Woody Allen

Open Question to Women: Why are you so enchanting?

Last week I was sitting at my desk trying to look busy, something I’ve mastered, when I heard someone say my name. I looked up to find an attractive woman, probably in her late 30s/early 40s, standing over my desk. My first thought, “Oh my God, she’s here to have sex with me.” How disgusting is that? Beyond the disgust, how delusional could I be? Why would a beautiful woman, whom I never met, go out of her way to find me just to have sex with me? Yet I was so struck by her beauty that my mind was just filled with unrelenting hope. I was blind to all rational thought.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

I wish I could say it was the first time I was so delusional, but I’d be lying. Men are easy prey. It does not take us long to fall in love with a woman, well technically  it is more lust than love. Woody Allen said it best, “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Especially if it is your daughter because they have to love you, unconditionally.” There is some debate about that last line. For men, all relationships start with emotional decisions based on looks and how a woman makes us feel. There is no time to think things through, it is just feel, then act. This is why a man walks away from a 10-minute conversation with a woman he finds attractive thinking, “Oh yeah, she wants me.” We just cannot get it through our thick skulls that women do not operate in the same way as us. You guys are so much more rational when it comes to love. It needs to make sense in your head. Do I like spending time with this person? Will they be a trust worthy partner? Does he make me laugh? Will he be responsible as he gets older? Can he properly raise children? These are all intelligent thoughts that never once cross a man’s mind when pursuing a relationship.

As damaging as this process can be I don’t think there is any changing it. Women are just too damn enchanting, us men don’t stand a chance. A bitchy woman gets a bad rap, but most of them are very attractive people, so I actually think in a strange way they are being very nice. It is unfair when a beautiful woman is also incredibly nice, fun, and funny. Every man on the planet is going to fall in love with her and unless she also believes in polygamy she will be letting down a lot of poor saps that think they have a chance. By being a bitch, rather then a nice person, she is weeding out all the pretenders whom would never get to be with her anyway. To me that is one of the nicest things to do.

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

But it is hard to be a bitch constantly, so lets try to work out some kind of compromise, ladies. A code word or series of code words should be created to start every conversation between men and women. By using these code words at the start, men will know the exact intents of the conversation they are having. It can be as simple as “Hey, I’m here to talk or I need a question answered,” when women have no sexual interest in the man. But if there is sexual interest, then start the conversation with a “Hey there hot stuff, I’m interested in seeing under the hood.” Boom, now we know we’re in and can let our imagination run wild. There should also be code words used at ends of conversations so we know whether or not we just progressed beyond the friend zone. Again, something simple, “This was a pleasant conversation,” for when a woman isn’t interested and “This was a pleasant conversation, I can’t wait to rock your world soon,” for when a woman is interested in banging.

I hope this is not too much to ask, ladies, because my life is dedicated to you and your enchanting ways. I’m just trying to come up with a solution that prevents me from being such a yuppy and a pig. Perhaps a simpler solution would be for you to just explain to me what makes you so enchanting? How do you make me loose all logical thought? What do you do to convince me that I have a chance to sleep with? Or maybe most important, why is that my top priority whenever your’e around?

As always, I look forward to your answers.


Life’s Hard – Find a Distraction

A few weeks ago Billy posted his first Saturday Morning thoughts. A must read, in which he ponders why anyone likes going to loud bars where you can’t hear thoughts let alone other people talking. While I share his sentiment about loud bars, I would like to provide an answer to his question, life is hard.

It is easy to be hard on ourselves for failures and screw-ups, when we should be giving ourselves more credit for participating in life. We face many challenges in life, finding a career that doesn’t suck every ounce of joy out of us, making enough money to cover our basic needs, balancing work and social life, starting and maintaining relationships with people we love, etc.

Beyond all these everyday challenges lies the deeper, philosophical challenges of life. Why are we here? Does any of this matter? Is this all an illusion? These challenges can become overwhelming if we spend too much time thinking about them. An important key to life is accepting that no matter how smart we are or how hard we ponder, there is no answering any of them. But what if we can’t accept this? Or it is all just too overwhelming? This is where distractions that provide sensory overload become important.

We all need something to distract us from the pit of despair that lies buried within all of us. The pit that makes us think that we’re all alone and that life is meaningless. We don’t want to think about it, but as long as these difficult, philosophical questions linger, it will persist.

Everyone finds solace in different distractions. Some of us become workaholics. Dedicating all time and effort into our profession. It is easy to find meaning when we are working. Life has a purpose, I need to get x, y, and z completed today, so I’ll focus entirely on that and not leave a moment for a stray thought. These people are focused with laser like precision. Everything is simplified when life is centered around work.

This approach can be used on other aspects in our life. People can dedicate themselves to family or friends. They deflect all purpose and meaning on to others, which helps them avoid thinking about the purpose of their own lives. The goal is to help them accomplish something, be their support and aid them in achieving their goals. When we tie our purpose to others, questions about the meaning of existence tend to disappear and are replaced with how can I help this person.

Or cell phones can provide a great distraction, right Louis C.K.?

There is a reason why we hold celebrities and athletes in a higher regard than doctors and lawyers. They provide great distractions from our lives. Fans, or fanatics, are called that for a reason. They dedicate themselves to supporting their favorite teams and/or celebrities. They stop viewing them as human, but rather symbols of hope that there is a greater purpose to life. This is why we become so disappointed when athletes or celebrities let us down by cheating, using drugs, or proving their humanity. We hold them to a higher standard because the distraction they provide to us is important to handling the challenges of life.

Some people find solace in more destructive distractions, drugs and alcohol. Addiction is back in the news with the tragic end to Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s life. Based off his brilliant, dark, sad, and twisted performances, I imagine no one understood the pit of despair that lies within us better than Hoffman. Early in his life he chose to fight it with drugs, the easiest, but most devastating way to handle the pit.

However, he was able to turn things around and channel this despair into a two decade acting career filled with incredible performance after incredible performance. He found a positive way to handle his demons and for a long time it worked for him. Unfortunately, his ability to tap into this  dark vein eventually overwhelmed him. I do not like speculation, but I imagine that part of the reason he relapsed was he couldn’t handle thinking about the deep, philosophical questions that plague humanity. He was constantly exploring all this darkness in his performances and simply releasing it in a character was not enough anymore.

It carried over to his daily life and he needed something more powerful to keep him distracted. Unfortunately for a mind this rich and thoughtful, simply rooting for his Yankees and Knicks was not enough. Instead, he went back to an old habit, something that quelled the demons in the past, heroin.

His tragic death makes me think of my favorite quote from The Great Gatsby: “She told me it was a girl, and so I turned my head away and wept. ‘All right,’ I said, ‘I’m glad it’s a girl. And I hope she’ll be a fool – that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.'” Leave it to F. Scott Fitzgerald to have the character with the simplest mind to deliver the most profound quote. It is profound in its honesty. Life is easier as a fool. What do they say about ignorance and bliss?

I’d take a guess that if someone gave Hoffman the choice of coming back as himself or a simple-minded, anonymous blue collar worker, he’d take the simple-minded man every time. He may have left behind a beautiful anthology of work for the world to watch, but as Woody Allen eloquently says, “I’d rather live on, in my apartment.” Woody is the first man I’d repeat the same quote two days in a row. He is also the last man I’d invite to my daughter’s birthday party.

This would be a good moment for a Danny Tanner Full House lesson to take away from all of this, but sadly I do not have one. The only thing we can take away is that life is difficult and we all need distractions in order to get through it. We need to understand this and strive to fill our lives with positive distractions. There is nothing wrong with having a few drinks or going to a loud bar to dance and just empty our brain of all thought. But we cannot become dependent on these to get through each day.

Find non-destructive distractions. A hobby to fill free time, like wood work or bird watching. Perhaps a new workout routine and diet with a set goal of weight to lose. A TV show to binge watch and get caught up in a fictional world. There are so many options, but whatever it is just be aware of its purpose because otherwise there is a higher possibility it becomes a crippling addiction rather than a healthy distraction.