TBS – Throwback Summer: Prom Night

The next couple of posts in our on going series, Throwback Summer, will feature multiple photos that cover major events from my past. First up, Prom Night. The Super Bowl of High School. A teenager hears about Prom a million times before it actually arrives. Whether from movies, primetime teen soaps, the news, or just constant conversations amongst friends forecasting how awesome it is going to be. It is built up to be this magical night where all your dreams come true and you’ll be telling your grandkids about it. Any time expectations are raised to an astronomically high level typically only disappointment follows. Not only was Prom not the best night of my life, it doesn’t even crack the top 100, in fact it actually kind of sucked.

As it turns out, teenagers are not the only ones who hear about Prom a millions of times, their parents do as well. Only they do not respond with the giddy excitement of anticipation, but rather dreadful fear. Fear that their kids will ruin their future, by getting arrested, pregnant, or worse. They have the date marked on their calendars to prepare for battle. And our parents were the equivalent of going up against America in a World War. The odds were stacked against us. 

We knew that we needed to come up with ultimate plan in order to secure a fun Prom after party and we thought that we’d done it. The party was scheduled to take place at my family’s lake house in Lake Geneva, WI. Chicago’s Big Bear Lake for all my LA readers. We knew that the parents would check our overnight bags before we got on the bus to take us north. It would’ve been a fool’s errand to try to pack any contraband in them. They would’ve thrown it out immediately and raised the red flags. And they were sure to vet our bus driver, plus pay him extra to not pick up any alcohol on our way. So what to do? It appeared we had run out of ideas, until brilliance struck. We could drive alcohol up the weekend before and hide it at my lake house to have it waiting there for us. It was only a hour and half ride, three hours round trip, we wouldn’t be home too late to raise our parents’ suspicions.

We had a plan, so the Saturday before Prom, Billy, Joe Daly, and I drove up. I know Bill drove up, I only think Joe was with us. As I remember there were three of us and if it was someone other than Joe I apologize. Please forgive my terrible memory, I mean no offense. I knew where the spare key was hidden and the alarm codes, so we were covered there. The only thing left to decide was where to hide it, but luckily using my knowledge of the location I already knew the perfect spot – the crawl space on the lower level. It was the perfect spot, hidden, plenty of space, and located where we would want to party in the house. Boom-diggity! We were all set. The operation went off without a hitch. All that was left to do was wait to get to the house and then let the festivities commence. It was perfect.

Unfortunately, life is not meant to be perfect and our plan did not play out as we expected. There were two things that we overlooked. First, was how diligent and awake the parents in charge of watching us at the house were going to be. I spent my entire senior year and the summer before college coming home hours after curfew because I had never seen my parents awake past 10pm. I guess they chose Prom as the night to introduce themselves to cocaine because they were awake and alert till past 5am. The second issue came from the fact that we were beer drinkers in high school, which was both the worst alcohol to leave in a crawl space for a week and to hide discreetly in another drink. Coke and beer is surprisingly not a tasty combination. 

The night was ruined, but not because of our parents vigilance, but rather by expectations to throw a huge rager in order to have a good time on Prom night. It should be about the people, not the activities. If you’re with people you love, it doesn’t matter what you’re doing. I wish I could go back in time, not to execute a better plan, but to convince myself that it is stupid to have these unrealistic expectations of what Prom should be. Our night was ruined because we were unable to get over our failure and the disappointment that we weren’t partying our faces off like some of our classmates. Damn you expectations, damn you to hell. Alright, now it is picture time.

I feel awful for that girl whom had to go to Prom with an ugly Vampire. Get some sun, Vampire!

I feel awful for that girl whom had to go to Prom with an ugly Vampire. Get some sun, Vampire!

Here is my lovely date, Colleen Kearney. Another big expectation of Prom is that it is a chance to make an proclamation of love to the girl you’ve been pining for since freshman year, or at the very least get laid. Colleen and I did not fall into that former category. I found her very attractive and we did hang out peripherally over all of high school, more so the last two years, so I also liked hanging out with her, but there were not any hidden sparks that came flying out that night. As for the latter, the getting laid part, well…absolutely not. I’m not sure if I’ve properly expressed how much of a loser I was in high school when it came to girls, but let me sum it up this way, I couldn’t have gotten laid in a whorehouse with a $1,000 dollars in my pocket.


This is a picture of every person that went to my elementary school, Faith, Hope, and Charity, that was in our Prom group. From left to right, Brian Borah whom I already covered extensively in my first TBS article, so let me just add one more thing – if he weren’t standing on a step he wouldn’t have come up to the shoulders of the girl in the gold dress. The girl in the gold dress is Rachel Murray, I really did not interact with Rachel much so I can’t really share a cool story. I apologize, but part of this exercise is realizing which people made an impact on my life and which did not. Next to Rachel, in the blue dress, is Molly Gapen. More on her in a little bit. 

In the middle in the brown dress is Meghan Borah, Brian’s younger sister by one year. I write a lot sister characters in my scripts and the reason is that I always wanted a sister, preferably one older and one younger. Meghan was the closest thing I had to a sister growing up and she was a more than worthy substitute. I lost touch with her since college, which may mean that it is a good thing that I didn’t have a sister, but I’ll always appreciate her for filling that role in my life back then. Next to Meghan is Shannon Steger, whose younger brother, Kevin, is one of my brother’s best friends so I still hear about her through a third degree of separation. But she was one of the toughest and most athletic girls I knew growing up. I was afraid to play her in anything because I didn’t want to face the shame and ridicule of losing to a girl. And finally next to me on the left is Hope Holmberg, whom I also mentioned in my first TBS post. I think the smile on her face sufficiently summarize all I said about her and the way she brings joy into any room she enters.

If only I listened to my father...

If only I listened to my father…

You may have noticed that I left out a description of Molly Gapen in the last picture and thought, “Huh that is weird. Why did he do that?” I wanted to give her a picture of her own with yours truly because she represents a very important lesson I learned too late and one I will make sure any son of mine will not commit the sins of his father. See Molly and I went to school from kindergarden thru 12th grade. And as far back as I remember my father always told me that I should be talking to her as much as possible. He’d egg me on, “talk to her, she’s going to be a good one. Don’t screw this up.” For various reasons ranging from, thinking girls had cuddies to being afraid to talk to them to other kids not thinking she was cute, and also the simple fact that it was lame to do what your father tells you to, I never did talk to her much. See what I didn’t realize at the time, though I very much wish I did, was that my Mom and Molly’s Mom went to high school together and therefore my Dad had met her in college. Having seen how attractive she was back in the day and having biological knowledge that was beyond my fourth grade mind he knew that Molly would also become that attractive. And damn if it didn’t turn out exactly that way. Two days after Father’s Day I thought it was appropriate to reiterate the fact that Father Knows Best!

I may have missed out due to my stupidity, but my first best friend that I met in high school, Quinn Ford was smart enough to not only take Molly to Prom, but also date her for Senior year, which was best for everyone. Reference my earlier statement about Whorehouses, $1,000, and getting laid. I’m lucky enough to still call Quinn one of my best friends. There is no one I have an easier time talking to than him. We share a lot of life philosophies and never judge each other, no matter how weird, twisted, dark, and fucked up some of her conversations get. And they tend to get all of those at once. Hanging out with him is on my short list of things I miss most about Chicago, along with eating at Portillos and drinking on E Division Street. Oh and my family, of course. For some reason I could not find a picture of him from Prom otherwise I would add it here, but there will be one of him at some point in this series, I promise.

And for anyone who cares enough about how things turned out between him and Molly based on two paragraphs of writing about them…First off, easy there weirdos, secondly things ended before college started, which was also best for everyone as he was lucky enough to meet and date for the past 6 years, a beautiful, intelligent, funny alumnus of the best Law School in Chicago. And Molly, well actually I have no idea what’s happened to her, so maybe I can’t say for sure if it worked out best for everyone, but at least it did for Quinn.

Anyways, this is everything I learned from my memories of Prom. Remember, life isn’t about the events you attend, but the people you attend them with. Some of the best nights of my life is sitting around with my favorite and playing categories or card games, talking about how we’d fix the world’s problems, or arguing about sports. It may sound stupid to you, but it doesn’t matter cause to me they’re precious memories of spending time with the people I love.


Eastyn, I’m Listening, Let Me Explain

It looks like in my neglect of writing Justice Demetrio articles Eastyn has stepped up and filled the void by putting me on trial for some recent articles that I wrote. The only good thing about getting ripped a new asshole is that it will make it a lot easier to collect that $100,000 a dayToo soon? 

Although it goes against all logic, I will be serving as my own counsel in this trial. Something that will make my parents very happy. I’d like to start by saying I think that you’ve missed my general thesis on most of these articles, most likely a product of not personally knowing me. However, since you’re not the only reader that does not know me personally I do appreciate the chance to clear things up. I will admit that I tend to overuse generalizations in my articles. Some times I do so to expose stereotypes, but other times I do so for the majority of people that read this article. Generalizations and stereotypes don’t exist because they were made up out of thin air. They come from the truth. It is a fact that there are more black people play and watch basketball over hockey. This doesn’t mean that all black people are fans of basketball, but if you sat down in a new client’s meeting and they are all black, then it is more likely that you’ll start a conversation by bringing up what they thought of Lebron’s stinker last night over Michael Honzus Double OT winner in the thrilling Hawks/Kings game. Generalizations can be useful as long as we’re aware of the downside.

Hopefully I don't hold myself in contempt.

Hopefully I don’t hold myself in contempt.

This brings me to the first article that you mentioned, The Friend Debate. One of my favorite courses in college was Sex and Evolution in which we used Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature. It is one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Seriously, buy a copy. The book explores human evolution and the process of sexual selection, since that is how human evolution evolves. It breaks down the biological and physical differences in male and female mating. Men have a virtually unlimited number of sperm at their disposal. This is a process of evolution as the more a man spreads his seed, the more children he has to carry on his line. There is a reason why history is filled with men with many wives and it is biologically driven. Women on the other hand have a limited number of eggs and it forces them to be very protective of them by being more selective with whom they mate. Just like Elaine Benes and her sponges. 

You need to pass Elaine's strict test in order to get the sponge.

You need to pass Elaine’s strict test in order to get the sponge.

It is not to say that we’re locked into these biological needs, not at all in fact. Humans have the capacity to move beyond that with thought and emotion. There is a reason why sex is so pleasurable, it is meant to be encouraged in order to allow humans to continue evolving. However, that pleasure has also led to people enjoying sex so much that they do it for recreation now, both men and women. I don’t think all men are sex driven maniacs, but as part of our biological evolution we are driven to spread our seed as much as possible. I think it is important to be aware of this because it is impossible to move past it without self awareness. In the history of time, men currently roaming the earth are not that far removed, biologically at least, from the likes of Henry VIII.

I do not seriously think that men deserve a special treat for being able to control this need, it is a basic human decency. Nor do I think it is on par with a dog performing surgery. I just enjoy adding exaggerated analogies into my articles for humor. Perhaps not everyone enjoys or finds the humor in them, but I do and will continue to use them.

I’m not going to lie of all the articles you had a problem with, The Thrill of the Chase hurt the most. I thought of all people you would understand my point and get that I myself do not believe this is the way relationships should go, but just through observation have noticed that too many have gone that way. Again, I’m not trying to say all relationships work this way, but the fact is almost half of marriages still end in divorce. I was examining how this happened and came to the conclusion that relationships have become too goal orientated. And there are too many men who only think about the short term goal of sleeping with a woman, while not putting enough thought into sharing a life with another person. And there are too many women who see marriage, more specifically their weddings, as a goal to achieve just to achieve it. Thinking little of what the rest of their lives will be like. The term Bridezilla did not appear out of nowhere. 

They don't make reality shows about things that aren't real. Right?

They don’t make reality shows about things that aren’t real. Right?

Again, this does not apply to all men or all women. But it does apply to a enough people that I see as the reason for why divorce rates are so high. Why couldn’t you pick out the following quotes, “Well it would be to recognize the fact that both of you have lost a little motivation and realize how silly that is to do with a person you love.” And, “Hopefully some day, we can all come to the self realization of this accomplishment problem and realize that a relationship needs to be treated differently than anything else we set out to accomplishment,” as the point I was making in that article? It saddens me that we could not connect on the same wavelength on that one.

As sad as your issue with the last article made me, I will give you credit on the Open Question to Women: Why Are You So Enchanting? Part of my intent with that series of articles is to be controversial in order to drive views to the site. My larger point in that article is that men are much more delusional about the status of their relationships with women than the other way around. Men easily convince themselves that a woman is super into them when they are totally off base. I regret making the article seem like this is a woman’s issue to fix, it is absolutely not. It is up to men to be more logically and also less angry when things do not work out. I also did not want it to be as objectifying as it appears. It was more a love letter to the fairer sex and the fact that as a whole women are much better looking than men. This is not to hate on men, as you appear to think I do in most of my articles, but more a statement of fact. Would you prefer me not to find women so enchanting? I’m confused there.

Again, you missed the point of my Would You Rather article. It started with a drunken conversation amongst friends and I turned it into an article. The point of leaving out gay men and women was not that I think they all enjoy having a dick crammed up their asses. But rather, to help make my larger point in the article, which was two-fold. A lot of straight men, at least a lot that I’ve known having gone to 16 years of Catholic school, still find anything to do with gay sex to be taboo or disgusting. I was trying to make the point that there are a lot of terrible ways to make a living and a more destructive force to the fabric of our nation is the false narrative that everyone has an equal chance at the American Dream. Having re-read the article I will admit I did a poor job of making that point and will make sure to be a little more clear next time. And I completely agree with your fluidity point, the male G-spot does exist in the ass for a reason.

The last article you brought up and also my most recent one that apparently was the last straw is meant to be humorous and in no way did I insinuate that squirting and orgasms are the same. This again devolved from a drunken conversation this past weekend and is meant to read, like other articles I’ve written, as a stand-up bit. I’m not trying to underestimate men, I just think it is funny to think that all women are supposed to squirt when they have an orgasm, but most don’t because men are so bad at sex. It is a bit, like most are, that plays off and with a stereotype, in this case that men are bad at sex. I’m not promoting this stereotype, just using it to get laughs and try to stir some page hits. I’m sorry that you did not find it amusing.

Perhaps we do need that beer and if you’re buying I’m free any time.

Open Question to Women: Are You All Squirters?

Was it good for you? This is the question most man ask a woman in post-coitus. It is typically asked in a concerned tone because we both hope that they enjoyed themselves, but also know the possibility is very high that they did not. Women never have to worry about asking men that since we have a distinct release that lets them know just how good of a time we just had. And while I have faked an orgasm before in order to mercifully end the night and get to sleep, I will go out on a limb and say that is a lot less than women do it.

The differences between a male and female orgasm are as vast as Donald Sterling and reality. Ours are quick, powerful, and provide a nice escape. Women’s are challenging, intense, and satisfying on a deeper level. The mind also plays a much bigger part in accomplishing the latter, while the former is much more a physical release like sweating or farting. It seems unfair that such a challenging thing to accomplish depends on taking someone’s word for it when you do accomplish said feat. It would be like winning a Mario Cart Grand Prix and then having no trophy ceremony. I want my damn trophy. This is where squirting comes into play.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

According to Women’s Health writer Rebecca Chalker, “Female ejaculation is one of the most hotly debated questions in modern sexology.” Reports vary from as small as 6% to as high as 69% of women experiencing female ejaculation. That is quite the discrepancy in statistics. Normally I would say the truth falls somewhere in the middle, but in this case I have another theory, it is actually 100% of women who can and should experience female ejaculation. The variance does not come from differences in female anatomy, but rather their sexual partners ability to get them to the climax state required to ejaculate. The problem lies with us ladies, not you. Well except for the ladies who prefer the company of other ladies, then that is on you. 

I know what a lot of men are saying, “but I’ve never been with a squirter?” To which I reply, exactly. Look it is just a theory, but the law of gravity started with a theory after an apple hit Isaac Newton in the head, so I think I’m standing on some sturdy ground here. I thought it would be best to reach out and ask the people whom this affects the most. So, what do you think ladies? Is it possible that all of you are capable of a female ejaculation? Have men been robing you the opportunity to put a money shot in our face? If so, as someone who took two gender studies courses in college and considers himself a feminist, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”


Open Question to Women: Why are you so enchanting?

Last week I was sitting at my desk trying to look busy, something I’ve mastered, when I heard someone say my name. I looked up to find an attractive woman, probably in her late 30s/early 40s, standing over my desk. My first thought, “Oh my God, she’s here to have sex with me.” How disgusting is that? Beyond the disgust, how delusional could I be? Why would a beautiful woman, whom I never met, go out of her way to find me just to have sex with me? Yet I was so struck by her beauty that my mind was just filled with unrelenting hope. I was blind to all rational thought.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

I wish I could say it was the first time I was so delusional, but I’d be lying. Men are easy prey. It does not take us long to fall in love with a woman, well technically  it is more lust than love. Woody Allen said it best, “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Especially if it is your daughter because they have to love you, unconditionally.” There is some debate about that last line. For men, all relationships start with emotional decisions based on looks and how a woman makes us feel. There is no time to think things through, it is just feel, then act. This is why a man walks away from a 10-minute conversation with a woman he finds attractive thinking, “Oh yeah, she wants me.” We just cannot get it through our thick skulls that women do not operate in the same way as us. You guys are so much more rational when it comes to love. It needs to make sense in your head. Do I like spending time with this person? Will they be a trust worthy partner? Does he make me laugh? Will he be responsible as he gets older? Can he properly raise children? These are all intelligent thoughts that never once cross a man’s mind when pursuing a relationship.

As damaging as this process can be I don’t think there is any changing it. Women are just too damn enchanting, us men don’t stand a chance. A bitchy woman gets a bad rap, but most of them are very attractive people, so I actually think in a strange way they are being very nice. It is unfair when a beautiful woman is also incredibly nice, fun, and funny. Every man on the planet is going to fall in love with her and unless she also believes in polygamy she will be letting down a lot of poor saps that think they have a chance. By being a bitch, rather then a nice person, she is weeding out all the pretenders whom would never get to be with her anyway. To me that is one of the nicest things to do.

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

But it is hard to be a bitch constantly, so lets try to work out some kind of compromise, ladies. A code word or series of code words should be created to start every conversation between men and women. By using these code words at the start, men will know the exact intents of the conversation they are having. It can be as simple as “Hey, I’m here to talk or I need a question answered,” when women have no sexual interest in the man. But if there is sexual interest, then start the conversation with a “Hey there hot stuff, I’m interested in seeing under the hood.” Boom, now we know we’re in and can let our imagination run wild. There should also be code words used at ends of conversations so we know whether or not we just progressed beyond the friend zone. Again, something simple, “This was a pleasant conversation,” for when a woman isn’t interested and “This was a pleasant conversation, I can’t wait to rock your world soon,” for when a woman is interested in banging.

I hope this is not too much to ask, ladies, because my life is dedicated to you and your enchanting ways. I’m just trying to come up with a solution that prevents me from being such a yuppy and a pig. Perhaps a simpler solution would be for you to just explain to me what makes you so enchanting? How do you make me loose all logical thought? What do you do to convince me that I have a chance to sleep with? Or maybe most important, why is that my top priority whenever your’e around?

As always, I look forward to your answers.

How Much Would You Give Up For Sex?

The Huffington Post has a slideshow of things people prefer over sex. Sleep, cell phones, compliments, bacon, food in general, lighter backpack, the internet, and youth. It’s an interesting list and it inspired me to think, if I had to choose only one for the rest of my life, what would I choose over sex.

Let’s take away necessities, food, water, and shelter, since that takes away the fun in the question. Plus I might actually choose sex over shelter, which would make it hard to get laid as a homeless man. Are maybe easier? Who knows what homeless people do to kill the time? Instead let’s take a look at luxuries and decide if any are worth giving up sex for the rest of our lives. slide_324631_3099032_free

1. Sleep – Sleep is a necessity, unfortunately, but in the context of this article this is the choice of going to sleep without having sex. I’ve been very tired before and enjoy morning sex more than any other time of the day, but unless I’m passed out from too much drinking I’ll give it a go. It may be sloppy, uncomfortable, and very displeasing for the woman, but it will still be an attempt before I go to sleep. And even though there is a good chance I will not finish in this state, it still is an attempt. Once I either miraculously cum or the woman has had enough of me trying, I will immediately go to sleep, no cuddling whatsoever.

2. Cell Phones – This is an easy one to apply some skillful litigation work to since cell phones are a bit obsolete with the rise of tablets, which basically do everything, but make calls. But, besides my parents, I do not talk to anyone on the phone anyways, so this is an easy one to get around.

3. Compliments – At first I laughed at the ridiculousness of choosing this over sex, but the more I thought about it the more it started to make senes. One reason why we have sex is to feel better about ourselves. It is a nice ego boost to know that someone was willing to get naked with us and do the most intimate thing two people can. However, often times that good feeling fades in the morning and we come crashing down to the reality that the other person regrets having sex with us very much. This is a difficult low to recover from, plus not too mention sex often leads to guilt unless it is with someone we truly love. Compliments help boost our ego without leaving us exposed and vulnerable to feel a lot of soul crashing pain. Unless of course the compliment is a set up for a classic “Not-Joke.” Those are very painful. In the end, the high of sex is too much to pass up and is worth never receiving a compliment again.

Look at those bad boys sizzle.

Look at those bad boys sizzle.

4. Bacon – Oooo boy, this is the hardest one yet. Bacon, the best single food item, pizza is too broad to count. I can’t imagine never being able to taste sweet, savory bacon ever again. In complete seriousness, bacon has given me a more orgasmic feeling than a few of my experiences with sex. It is so good, but as I get older I would have to start cutting it out of my diet, which would be difficult. It would make it easier to give up bacon if I knew it saved me from never having to have sex again. Still, this would be very difficult. In fact I need to know what the majority of readers would choose.

5. Lighter backpack – This was the dumbest answer on the list. You’re better than this Huffington Post.

6. Youth – This is a little vague. If it were a choice between living forever or having sex, then I would take living forever. If it is just about delaying the age process or not aging anymore till the day we die, then I would take sex. One of the major draws of youth is having more energy to have sex, so choosing youth seems wasted in this scenario. Damn it, Ariana, make sure your writers are more detailed with these things.  

7. Internet- Let’s not drag things out any further, I’m going to throw TV in with Internet as the two things that would make me give up sex. Call me crazy, but I cannot imagine a life where I can never watch my favorite TV programs or watch another sporting event again. It would not be a life I’d like to lead. Thanks in part to the internet, television programming is available any time at any place you want. Sex that happens at any time and place you want is called rape.

Sex is great, but I would bet that everyone has one luxury that they would choose over it for the rest of their lives. But don’t let me assume, tell me by answering the poll down below.

WYR Wednesday on A Friday

Class is back in session. This week’s lesson: Would you rather have to watch your parents have sex once or have them watch you have sex for a year?

This is not going to work in this situation.

This is not going to work in this situation.

The crux of this argument is which could you stomach more? The disgust of seeing how you were created, or the shame you will cause your parents with your performance?

Things to Consider: How long can your parents last? Will you be able to achieve an erection? Will one of your parents die of a heart attack watching you? Would your parents provide helpful advice? How kinky are your parents? Is your mom a screamer? Even worse, a squirter?  Are you in a relationship? Or will your parents be watching you fuck random one night stands when you’re sloppy drunk?

I'm not as strong as you, Sponge Bob.

I’m not as strong as you, Sponge Bob.

The thought of watching our parents have sex is a difficult one to comprehend without vomiting. On one hand, it is a good choice cause it is over after one time. However, the scars will last for the rest of your life. It is a wild card. There is no way of preparing for what you see. It is naive to think your parents only do basic missionary for a couple minutes while wearing shirts. Yes, it might be what is going to happen, but do you want to risk seeing your parents do some sick, sadistic shit that you’ve never even hear of, let alone done. It is a huge risk and one I’m not willing to take.

Good point, Baby, good point.

Good point, Baby, good point.

On the other hand, there is a lot of shame involved with your parents watching you have sex. Would a guy be able to achieve an erection with his mother in the room? If so, then what does that say about him? Our parents would never be able to look at us the same again. Our relationship would become distant and we’d never be able to talk to them intimately again. Plus this lasts for a year, so it is not something that would be one and done. It would also leave lasting scars, perhaps not as many as seeing our parents have sex, but still pretty nasty psychological and emotional scars.

It is a difficult decision to say the least, but in the end I’m going with the devil I know over the devil I don’t. I have no idea what happens in my parents bedroom and I would like to keep it that way. On the other hand, I know what happens in mine and how my parents would react. My mom would probably just faint, which would make things easier for me. My dad would first, make fun of me for my performance. “Boy, if only you brought that speed to the basketball court, could’ve got a scholarship and I could retire early.” And then provide some sage fatherly advice to help me improve. “You do a good job of focusing on foreplay, but you need to stretch things out.” It would help cut down on the shame and disgust making it much more bearable than the other way around.

This would you rather depends highly on subjective context. What are your parents like? Which one would be easier to handle with them? Just concentrate on the crux and decide which would be easier to stomach for the rest of your life.

The Friend Debate

For Nora Ephron, men and women are just puppets on her stage of love and laughs.

For Nora Ephron, men and women are just puppets on her stage of love and laughs.

Valentine’s Day is a day away, so love is a hot topic this week. Billy asked his dating machine about good romantic comedies and it brought up a classic, When Harry Met Sally. A movie that raises a classic debate, can men and women be platonic friends? The answer to that question is, yes, but it just very, very difficult. Let me clarify, it is very difficult for a man. There are only three reasons a man would not try to have sex with one of his female friends. One, they are in a committed relationship. Two, he would prefer to be “sacked” by Michael Sam. Or three, the friend is completely unattractive. And even that last one can be cured with a few beers on a Saturday night.

Before you call me a disgusting pig, let me clue you in on the proper perspective. Men, by nature, want to have a lot of sex. We are driven to spread our seed around as much as possible, to have a diverse sexual portfolio if you will. The fact that we are able to go against this very nature and have meaningful friendships with women is a monumental feat. A feat that we do not receive nearly enough credit for accomplishing.

If a dog started performing successful open heart surgeries on humans that would be a huge national story. Everyone would be talking about this Dog M.D. There would be countless articles, novels, TV spots, and movies about this incredible animal. Men being friends with women is on par with this, at least from the perspective of overcoming biological limitations. Yet instead of being celebrated as heroes, women choose to shower dogs with treats for menial tasks. Sit? Lay down? Fetch? Do these really deserve the reward of a delicious doggie treat? Dogs are designed to do all these things. We should not reward pets for doing something that comes natural to them.

Until dogs help cut down on my medical costs, they will not be getting any treats from me.

Until dogs help cut down on my medical costs, they will not be getting any treats from me.

Women being friends with men is easily accomplished for them. See they see men as someone they can potentially be in a relationship, even just a physical one, with or not. Once their mind is made up that is it. There is no crossover. Either you fall into the friend camp or the sexual one. Men just have one large camp and any woman in it could fill many roles. Friend, confidant, sexual partner, or girlfriend. A man can change his mind on a whim or few shots of Fireball.

It is silly to think that men and woman can never be friends. But it is important to understand the dynamic of these friendships. Ladies, try to appreciate the fact that we see you as the stunning, beautiful, and intelligent people that you are, and at a given moment we could express this with a sexual advance. And guys, try to understand that women do not have the same mindset as we do. If they view a man as a friend, then he is a friend and we must respect that opinion, whether we’d like to change it or not.

Now then, on the eve of Valentine’s Day 2014 let us consider this debate settled, once and for all.