Last week I was sitting at my desk trying to look busy, something I’ve mastered, when I heard someone say my name. I looked up to find an attractive woman, probably in her late 30s/early 40s, standing over my desk. My first thought, “Oh my God, she’s here to have sex with me.” How disgusting is that? Beyond the disgust, how delusional could I be? Why would a beautiful woman, whom I never met, go out of her way to find me just to have sex with me? Yet I was so struck by her beauty that my mind was just filled with unrelenting hope. I was blind to all rational thought.
I wish I could say it was the first time I was so delusional, but I’d be lying. Men are easy prey. It does not take us long to fall in love with a woman, well technically it is more lust than love. Woody Allen said it best, “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Especially if it is your daughter because they have to love you, unconditionally.” There is some debate about that last line. For men, all relationships start with emotional decisions based on looks and how a woman makes us feel. There is no time to think things through, it is just feel, then act. This is why a man walks away from a 10-minute conversation with a woman he finds attractive thinking, “Oh yeah, she wants me.” We just cannot get it through our thick skulls that women do not operate in the same way as us. You guys are so much more rational when it comes to love. It needs to make sense in your head. Do I like spending time with this person? Will they be a trust worthy partner? Does he make me laugh? Will he be responsible as he gets older? Can he properly raise children? These are all intelligent thoughts that never once cross a man’s mind when pursuing a relationship.
As damaging as this process can be I don’t think there is any changing it. Women are just too damn enchanting, us men don’t stand a chance. A bitchy woman gets a bad rap, but most of them are very attractive people, so I actually think in a strange way they are being very nice. It is unfair when a beautiful woman is also incredibly nice, fun, and funny. Every man on the planet is going to fall in love with her and unless she also believes in polygamy she will be letting down a lot of poor saps that think they have a chance. By being a bitch, rather then a nice person, she is weeding out all the pretenders whom would never get to be with her anyway. To me that is one of the nicest things to do.
But it is hard to be a bitch constantly, so lets try to work out some kind of compromise, ladies. A code word or series of code words should be created to start every conversation between men and women. By using these code words at the start, men will know the exact intents of the conversation they are having. It can be as simple as “Hey, I’m here to talk or I need a question answered,” when women have no sexual interest in the man. But if there is sexual interest, then start the conversation with a “Hey there hot stuff, I’m interested in seeing under the hood.” Boom, now we know we’re in and can let our imagination run wild. There should also be code words used at ends of conversations so we know whether or not we just progressed beyond the friend zone. Again, something simple, “This was a pleasant conversation,” for when a woman isn’t interested and “This was a pleasant conversation, I can’t wait to rock your world soon,” for when a woman is interested in banging.
I hope this is not too much to ask, ladies, because my life is dedicated to you and your enchanting ways. I’m just trying to come up with a solution that prevents me from being such a yuppy and a pig. Perhaps a simpler solution would be for you to just explain to me what makes you so enchanting? How do you make me loose all logical thought? What do you do to convince me that I have a chance to sleep with? Or maybe most important, why is that my top priority whenever your’e around?
As always, I look forward to your answers.