oral sex

Open Question to Women: Why Turn Down Oral Sex?

In my 25 years, I mean 22 – how stupid of me, the only thing I’ve learned about women is that I know nothing about women. It would be easy for me to take the typical male approach and just chalk it up to “bitches be crazy,” but I’m not interested in being typical. Therefore, from this day forward, I’m making it a top priority to find out as much as I can about women in the simplest manner possible, asking them questions.

Let Colonel Angus come home, ladies.

Let Colonel Angus come home, ladies.

My first question has to do with with an incident that has occurred a shocking number of times for me, a woman turning down my offer to play her love flute like a Kenny G concert. Each time it has been a mixture of shock, anger, sadness, relief, and more shock. Why would any woman turn down the sweet tender care of cunnilingus? I hope the answer to this question is a simple one, “we wouldn’t.” It is highly possible that I’ve just run into a lot of outliers. I mean I did attend 16 years of catholic school, which included a make out in a cemetery with a girl whom has since pursued becoming a Nun. A true story for another time. A sadly true story at that. 

But it has happened enough that I consider it more than an outlier, mainly because I’ve never heard of a guy that has turned down a blow job offer. Is it because you do not trust us to do the job right? Let me fill you in on a little secret ladies, contrary to popular belief, blow jobs are not a full proof way to get guys off. I’ve had plenty of bad ones in my time. Hint, simply touching your mouth to penis does not get the job done. And you can definitely leave your teeth at home. Despite the possibility of having a bad one, men still always roll the dice and go for it. Why the hesitancy ladies?

Michael Douglas - Academy Award winner and dedicated pussy eater.

Michael Douglas – Academy Award winner and dedicated pussy eater.

Are you trying to be kind and considerate? Is empathy at play? I appreciate the thoughts, but I’m here to tell you that the person whom said it is better to give than receive probably just got done eating someone out. If asked on the street what is better getting or giving head? I would go with getting, but it is a lot closer than you might think. Men love to feel accomplished, like they’re the king of the universe. The problem is that there is only so much room on the throne. Only so many of us will become sport stars, rock stars, movie stars, business tycoons, and leaders. Those numbers are limited. But all of us can experience having our partner grab the back of our head, shove it down while pulling back on our hair, and screaming “Fuck! Yes! Yes! Yes! Right there,” while her body shakes like it’s in an earthquake. It will make any man feel like a King, so really by showing empathy, ladies, you’re really just robbing our chance at Royalty.

Or could it be that the vagina is a far more complex sexual organ than the penis. And each woman’s orgasm is like a snowflake, cold, wet, and never happens in LA. Maybe the fact that I’m stunned and upset by some women not wanting oral sex just highlights the vast divide that lies between us. But enough from me, I want to hear from you, ladies. This is what it is all about. Tell me, am I close with any of these answers? Did I generalize a few of my experiences that do not come close to the general consensus? Do you not trust us to do a good job? Do you think you’re being nice by declining? Or is it simply that some of you just don’t enjoy it?