NFL

Mega NFL Kickoff

The NFL is finally back! Celebrate good times people. Each week on the Millennial Man we’ll be giving our thoughts on the season, both fantasy and reality. Including games to bet on, fantasy studs and duds, game winners, and funniest moments of the week.

Let’s kick things off with a little free advice, never do two fantasy football drafts in the same night. It is too much, a fantasy overload. I learned this the hard way last night as my attempt to defend two titles against college buddies and west coast league got off to a rocky start. Both are keeper leagues, but one is an auction draft and the other is a snake. My preparation for the two slacked off in the last week or so and it showed come draft time.

The auction draft was first and I committed the ultimate auction sin of being timid. Agressiveness pays in auction drafts, especially in keeper leagues when so many top players are off the board. I like to save my money for the end to scoop up all the sleepers I’m high on, but I had so much money left that I ended up overbidding on them and thus damaging their keeper value.

After the exhausting auction draft, which includes video chatting with everyone throughout the draft, it was a short turnaround to gear up for my west coast league. Since I kept my first and second round picks and traded my third round pick I did not draft in the first three rounds. For the first time in my career I decided to make a Big Board pre-draft, Mel Kiper style, which backfired on me in a big way. First off, I was tired and loopy from the beers I consumed in my first draft and couldn’t keep up with the players that were selected, so when it came time to my pick the guy next up on my board turned out to not be available. This lead to a lot of panicked, last second picks and in the end a very shitty draft. It is a long season and the draft is just one part of the championship equation, but projecting out the season it appears that my college buddies’ league will get far more of my attention. Just look at the two rosters.

College League                                                                  West Coast League                                                    

QB: Russel Wilson                                                                   QB: Jay Cutler

RB1: Shady McCoy                                                                   RB1: Matt Forte

RB2: Zac Stacy                                                                          RB2: Stevan Ridley

WR1: Alshon Jeffery                                                                WR1: Calvin Johnson

WR2: Larry Fitzgerald                                                             WR2: Anquan Boldin

TE: Jordan Cameron                                                                TE: Julius Thomas

W/T: Coradelle Patterson                                                       W/T: Justin Hunter

Flex: Rashard Jennings                                                           Flex: Kenbrell Thompkins

D: Browns                                                                                    D: Browns

K: Who gives a fuck                                                                    K: Who Gives A Fuck 2, Electric Boogaloo

BE: Justin Hunter, Brandin Cooks,                                        BE: Russel Wilson, Lamar Miller,

Ryan Tannehill, Kyle Rudolph                                                  Andre Williams, Christine Michael,

Tavon Austin

Sleeper Fantasy Studs

  • Justin Hunter/Coradelle Patterson – One, if not both, are this year’s Alshon Jeffery breakout receiver. They are both physically dominant freaks that can both run past and jump over defenders. They both also received the gifts of new offensive schemes from proven, successful offensive minds. Ken Whisehunt is a good coach whose undoing in Arizona came down to the inability of the front office to find a quarterback. The Titans is my pick to win the AFC South this year. I like what they have on offense. Everyone seemed down on them sticking with Jake Locker, but before he got hurt he was having a hell of a season. Whisehunt’s ground game expertise combined with Kendall Wright on the other side should provide a lot of big play opportunities for Hunter. As for Patterson, he gets the best deep route schemer in the NFL in an offense that will face a lot of loaded boxes. Yes, having either Matt Cassel or a rookie throw him the ball is a bit concerning, but Turner knows how to use speedy receivers like him in his offense.
  • Russell Wilson – The ultimate game manager, not anymore. This is the year Wilson takes the leap and becomes a playmaker in this offense. Marshawn Lynch is getting older and despite losing Golden Tate, the Seahawks receiving core is the most underrated in the NFL. There is a slight stipulation of getting a mostly healthy year out of Percy Harvin, but either way except Wilson to carry more of the load this year. 3,842 yards, 65.4%, 33 TDs, 12 INT, 7 rushing TDs 
  • Tom Brady – Father time may be undefeated, but he’ll have to wait on defeating Touchdown Tommy for at least another year. Manning vs Brady, the best individual rivalry in football over the last decade plus. Brady is stewing after seeing what Manning did last year and will be determined to match him. While 55 TDs are out of the question, he will have a big year regardless if Gronk stays healthy or not. All his young receivers will be improved this season and the depth at that position as well as running back will give him a lot of fresh options. 4,767 yards,  64.6%, 38 TDs, 10 INTs
  • Carlos Hyde – Every season a rookie running back breaks out into a top 10 fantasy back. Figuring out whom that back will be is a tricky task, but I’ve got my finger on Hyde. He’s on a team that knows how to run the ball, played college ball with a mobile quarterback, and has a veteran back in front of him. Hyde may carry on a new tradition of 49er running backs.

NFL Division Predictions

AFC North 

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7) – The Steelers finished strong last year and if it wasn’t for a Kansas City missed field goal that allowed the Chargers to make the playoffs they would’ve been a scary wild card team. The days of the Steel Curtain D are long gone, but the offense is going to be a juggernaut that will be enough to carry them in a weak division in the weaker conference.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) – The Bengals received a lot of criticism for the contract extension they gave Andy Dalton. Count me as a Red Rifle supporter still. In our ADD generation we expect instant results, but forget that it takes failure to find success. MJ had to get through the Pistons before rattling off six straight titles. Plus, just look at the eerily similar numbers for Dalton and Peyton Manning thru three seasons. 

3. Baltimore Ravens (8-8) – Big Dick Joe comeback season falls just short. The Ravens have a lot of distractions, but the one positive from this is that it is distracting people from the lack of talent.

4. Cleveland Browns (4-12) – Better luck next year Johnny Clipboard.

AFC East

1. New England (11-5) – Death, taxes, and the Patriots winning the AFC East.

2. Miami Dolphins (8-8) – The new high octane offense will take a little getting used to, but it could yield some very positive results. I fluctuated between 10-6 and 6-10, so just decided to split the difference. But Ryan Tannehill will have a breakout season and pass RG3 in his QB class.

3. New York Jets (7-9) – Rex Ryan has entered the Lovie Smith Zone. His players love him so much that they try hard every game and it is impossible for them to bottom out, even though management probably desperately wants to.

4. Buffalo Bills (3-13) – Poor Buffalo. This season has disaster written all over it and even worse Jameis Winston will most likely stay another season at Florida State in order to play baseball.

AFC South 

1. Tennessee Titans (10-6) – As mentioned above, I love this Titans team. A sneaky offensive juggernaut and an upper half defense this shitty division is theirs for the taking.

2. Indianapolis Colts (9-7) – The team should change its name to Andrew Luck cause he is the team. It feels like the front office from the 2004-2010 Cleveland Caviliers has infiltrated the Colts and left the playbook for making life as hard as possible on a dominant star athlete.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-10) – A year away, but this team is on the rise and whenever they finally give the reigns to Blake Bortles it will be a threat to win this division.

4. Houston Texans (5-11) – I just don’t buy in to Bill O’Brien. He’s going to ruin this team and what could be a dominant defense.

AFC West 

1. San Diego Chargers (11-5) – I am very high on the Chargers. Phillip Rivers is an elite quarterback when healthy and given time in the pocket. Mike McCoy has helped out with both by using shorter routes and getting the ball out of Rivers hands quickly. The return of Malcolm Floyd bolsters a receiving core that already includes Keenan Allen, Vincent Brown, Antonio Gates, and Ladarius Green.

2. Denver Broncos (11-5) – A difficult schedule combined with some regression from the best offensive season in NFL history will knock the Broncos down at least two wins this season and losing a tie-breaker with the Chargers will put them in Wild Card weekend.

3. Kansas City (6-10) – The fact that everyone and their mother is picking the Chiefs to regress in a big way almost scares me into thinking they’ll stay where they are, but a much harder schedule and thinner talent pool means that it is destined to drop.

4. Oakland Radiers (4-10) – The Raiders were my pick for the worst record in the league until it announced Derek Carr as its Week 1 starter. A bag of balls or even Jake Delhomme would be upgrades over Matt Schaub, but Carr has flashed some real potential. However, playing the NFC West means it will be a struggle regardless.

NFC East

1. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5) – The streak is over, a team finally repeats as NFC East Champs. I believe in Chip Kelly, he just seems destined to become the new Belichick and be the smartest guy in any room.

2. New York Giants (8-8) – Tom Coughlin will not let this team bottom out.

3. Washington Redskins (6-10) – The RG3 vs Kirk Cousins debate will heat up this year and after a disastrous start to the season Cousins will eventually win this starting job, going 5-3 and giving fans some false hope for next season.

4. Dallas Cowboys (4-12) – This feels like the season. The season when the wheels finally fall off the Dallas Cowboys and 8-8 suddenly looks good to them.

NFC South 

1. New Orleans Saints (12-4) – The offense is re-loaded with some young, speedy receivers that Sean Payton will be sure to put to good use. Rob Ryan’s aggressive defense will do enough to let the offense outscore opponents.

2. Atlanta Falcons (7-9) – A healthy Julio Jones is good for two or three wins on his own, but after watching Hard Knocks it is impossible for me to pick this team to return to playoff glory.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-10) – Riverboat Ron suffers a setback as karma for reverting to his true conservative self in the playoff game agains the Niners last year. Tisk, tisk Riverboat Ron.

4. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-11) – A trendy pick by many experts that makes zero sense to me. Josh McCown was a product of Marc Trestman’s QB friendly system last year and will not be nearly as effective this season. Lovie’s defense is out of date. This team will struggle.

NFC West 

1. Seattle Seahawks (13-3) – It seems like every expert has said the same thing, “I want to pick the Seahawks, but team’s struggle to repeat.” What a dumb excuse to bet against this juggernaut on the verge of a dominant dynasty. They lost so few key pieces and have watched the teams in its division disintegrate due to injury or suspensions.

2. San Francisco (9-7) – For awhile I felt that this team was due for a disastrous season that saw it miss the playoffs for the first time in the Jim Harbaugh era, but then I thought some more and realized there is no way Harbaugh would let that happen. They will be 3-6 and he’ll rally the troops and rattle off 6 wins in the final 7 games to make the playoffs.

3. St. Louis Rams (8-8) – The team I wanted to replace the Niners with as it will have a much better defense this year. But the offense is a huge question mark. Can Zac Stacy repeat his rookie year? Do any of these speedy receivers have the discipline to run good routes? Can Shaun Hill lead this – wait what the fuck? Shaun Hill is still in the league? And he is starting for the Rams? My God this team is doomed.

4. Arizona Cardinals (7-9) – Carson Palmer staying healthy for an entire season seems impossible from here. Andre Ellington is explosive, but can he handle 20+ touches every game? This team has a lot of question marks as well and not as good of a defense as the Rams.

NFC North 

1. Green Bay Packers (11-5) – As much as it pains me to pick them, I have to go with my brain over my gut. Aaron Rodgers has been an elite QB without ever having much of a running game. This year he has one and there is no telling how good that will make him.

2. Chicago Bears (9-7) – My mind has done more loops than a roller coaster trying to predict how the Bears season will go. It has ranged from winning the division, earning a bye, and losing a hard fought NFC Championship in Seattle to falling apart, going 4-12, and having to start from scratch. Ultimately, as I tend to do, my pick falls in the middle. It was 8-8 for awhile as I’m worried we’re the new Dallas Cowboys, but I believe in Trestman and Cutler to find a way to get one more win and make the playoffs.

3. Detroit Lions (7-9) – The Lions have made some nice moves to bolster the offense, but have ignored a defense that will be on the same level as the Bears. Detroit and Chicago have eerily similar teams, but I trust Stafford and Jim Caldwell much less.

4. Minnesota Vikings (6-10) – A feisty team that will lose a lot of close games in a tough conference. The Vikings are on the rise, but they need to hope it happens quickly before Father Time finally catches up to Adrian Peterson.

Playoffs

AFC Byes: 1. Patriots 2. Chargers

Wild Card Weekend: 

3. Titans over 6. Bengals – The angry mob against Andy Dalton continues to grow as he loses his fourth straight playoff game.

5. Broncos over 4. Steelers – A classic matchup comes down to the wire and Peyton adds to his brilliant resume as he makes the plays that Big Ben can’t down the stretch.

Divisional Round: 

2. Chargers over 3. Tennessee – Jake Locker magic finally runs out as Phillip Rivers grows determined to add a Lombardi to his trophy case.

1. Patriots over 5. Broncos – Touchdown Tommy gets his revenge and proves his superiority over Manning once again. A devastated Peyton is left to stew and consider retirement.

Championship Weekend: 

2. Chargers over Patriots – In a stunning upset, the clean trash talking QB shocks Belichick and Touchdown Tommy on their home field to reach his first Super Bowl.

NFC Byes: 1. Seahawks 2. Saints

Wild Card Weekend

3. Eagles over 6. Niners – Chip Kelly gets some revenge for Oregon as he defeats Harbaugh in the best Wild Card Weekend game ever.

5. Bears over 4. Packers – Cutler finally gets one over on Rodgers. It doesn’t make up for the 2011 Conference Championship game, but it still feels good none the less.

Divisional Round

1. Seahawks over 5. Bears – Anyone that watched the pre-season game between these two knows the gap is too far to close by the time January rolls around. Bears make it competitive for a 2.5 quarters before the Seahawks pull away.

3. Eagles over 2. Saints – Kelly avenges last season’s playoff loss in what will be far from the last matchup between these two offensive masterminds.

Conference Championship

1. Seahawks over 3. Eagles – The Seahawks are too damn good at home for anyone to have a chance.

Super Bowl:

Seahawks over Chargers – Again, the prevailing logic behind no picking the Seahawks is that teams don’t repeat, which is true of most teams, but it has only been 10 years since the Patriots repeated and no team since has come close to matching Belichick and Brady, till now. The Seahawks are the next great dynasty and will seal it by repeating.

 

 

Pick Five Against the Spread

Each week Billy and I will be picking five games against the spread and keeping track of our records. The winner seizes control of Millennial Man, while the loser is forced to wear a baby bonnet till football season returns. Here’s my picks this week, winners in bold.

Seahawks (-6) over Green Bay – The Seahawks at home at night are money. They blow people out and are determined to get the title defense off to a rousing start.

Jets (-5.5) over Raiders – Two betting corollaries in this one. Rex Ryan against a rookie QB making his first start and a west coast team traveling across the country for a 10am PT kickoff.

Bears (-7) over Bills – The Bills are a disaster and the Bears dominate on home openers. The last time they lost was in 2008 and they covered the spread in all of those wins.

Vikings (+3.5) over Rams – Mike Zimmer will want to make a statement in this game. It will be a hard fought, defensive battle and that half a point makes a huge difference.

Dolphins (+5) over Patriots – The Dolphins play the Pats tough at home and with the Gronk’s status still up in the air I’ll take the Dolphins and the points.

 

 

 

 

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The Washington Redskins Should Remain The Redskins

Dan Snyder

Yesterday, Billy came up with a lot of great alternative names for Dan Snyder to rename the football team in Washington. My personal favorites were the Senators and the Monuments, the former has an awesome retro ring to it and the latter is just badass. He wanted to hear our thoughts on alternative names and here’s mine, the Redskins.

It shouldn’t keep the name cause I want them to be offensive to Native Americans, as this video clearly demonstrates why this is such a horrible name.

And I don’t think it should keep its name for the bullshit, ignorant, and hypocritical defense Snyder made.

“It’s more than a name we have called our football team for over eight decades. It is a symbol of everything we stand for: strength, courage, pride, and respect – the same values we know guide Native Americans and which are embedded throughout their rich history as the original Americans.” 
 

And this is also not some stance against political correctness. No, the Washington football team should keep its name because it serves as a reminder of our dark history of prejudice, exile, and slaughter against the Native American people. The Redskins nickname has caused a lot of controversy over the last few years as groups have rallied in an attempt to get Snyder to change it. That’s great and all, but where were these people over 80 years ago when the nickname was bestowed upon the Washington football team, when it was just as offensive as it is today?

Uh-oh, Harry Reid has on his angry face. Everybody watch out as nothing gets done.

Uh-oh, Harry Reid has on his angry face. Everybody watch out as nothing gets done.

People like Harry Reid, who recently made this bold statement:

“”I will not stand idly by while a professional sports team promotes a racial slur as a team name and disparages the American people. Nor will I consider your invitation to attend a home game until your organization chooses to do the right thing and change its offensive name.”

Not stand idly by? Really, Harry? You’ve been a US Senator since 1987. Did you just now realize what your local football team was called? It is certainly a possibility given the average IQ level of Senators sits just above 70, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re not that stupid. This is a classic politician move, wait for popular opinion to sway one way and then jump on board. Sorry if I’m not very impressed by the moral high ground you’ve taken, Harry.

Nothing has been done about the Redskins name cause Americans don’t want to think about the atrocities we’ve committed against the Native American people. The land that we stole, the hundred of thousands of Native people we killed. It ruins our image of “The Heroes of the World” we’ve painted for ourselves. It is easier for us to stick the few Native ancestors left on reservations, to let them mingle amongst their own kind, and pretend they do not exist. Hey, sorry about taking all this land and slaughtering your ancestors, but here, have some casinos. We square? 

Americans should be more offended by this image than the Redskins logo.

Americans should be more offended by this image than the Redskins logo.

It always amuses me when I hear anti-immigration politicians talking about how we must preserve this land and the American way of life by keeping unwanted, illegal immigrants outside our border. While we ignore the fact that we tricked, stole, and killed the people with natural, ancestral rights to it and then claimed it as our own. I’m sorry some Mexicans risked their lives crossing the Rio for a chance at a better life. Would you prefer they attack a town in droves, pillaging and killing its citizens, while making the survivors march thousands of miles on foot to find a new home, till they get bored and take that too? After all, it is the American way.

Perhaps the actions taken by the US Patent and Trademark office will stick and Snyder will lose his appeal against it, during which time all patents and trademarks remain in tact. And then Sheriff Roger Goodell will be forced to step in and finally force Snyder to change the name. Allowing Americans to feel better that such an offensive name is no longer a part of our favorite sport and all involved with ending it, the opportunity to play hero.

As for me, I hope the name sticks. The real atrocity is not the name Snyder insists his team be called, but rather what our forefathers and ancestors did to the people of which the name offends. The Redskins name can serve as a reminder of one of the darkest marks on our record. A reminder of our failings and weaknesses. It is only through admitting our mistakes that we can truly grow stronger as a Nation.

New Nickname Brainstorm Bonanza for the Washington Redskins

It was only a matter of time. Today, multiple sources reported that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins trademark registration. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest dominoes to fall in what will most likely result in Washington’s NFL team having to change its name.

While some people will decry the move and call it bending over backwards in the name of political correctness, other people are not ignorant idiots. I do think, at times, our tendency as a society is to be too politically correct, but this is not one of those times. Please read how the term “redskin” negatively affects Native Americans here, as written by a Boston Celtics beat reporter with Native American heritage. I knew the term was pretty offensive, but I had no idea about its exact origins. It’s pretty gross.

Before I get into the fun stuff, since I’m not doing a whole post on the topic, I’d like to throw a special Hump Day Fuck You out to Washington owner Dan Snyder. Not only do you break my beautiful friend Brian Donovan’s heart every year with your fourth-grader-playing-franchise-mode-on-Madden-like decisions, you are a moron for saying shit like this about the Redskins name:

“[It] is more than a name we have called our football team for over eight decades. It is a symbol of everything we stand for: strength, courage, pride, and respect — the same values we know guide Native Americans and which are embedded throughout their rich history as the original Americans.”

What a dick.

What a dick.

You are a special kind of dickwad, Dan. Respect? You had the balls to use that word?

Moving on. Now that Washington’s team no longer has a nickname, it’s time to brainstorm some new options.

The Washington Washingtons. Fuck yeah, right? It’s got a ring to it. Imagine different Washingtons running around FedEx Field like the presidents do at Nationals Park. You could have a young George Washington, Washington Crossing the Delaware, and current Tennessee Titans receiver Nate Washington as the “Three Washingtons.” I see a movie franchise, too.

Teddy Roosevelt for the win! Imagine "The Three Washingtons" doing this.

Teddy Roosevelt for the win! Imagine “The Three Washingtons” doing this.

The Underwoods. In honor of Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright’s characters from House of Cards. That show takes place in Washington. And it’s good, though the second season was a little far-fetched. But it’s Tommy’s job to review TV, not mine.

The Tysons Corners. I’ve got relatives that live outside of D.C. and they go there to shop all the time. I think this could be kind of a cool name. Actually, this is by far the worst idea I have.

The Hanburgers. Chris Hanburger played linebacker for Washington from 1965-78 and is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Imagine a hamburger mascot with a football helmet on pumping up the Washington faithful. Awesome, right? He’d put the Hamburglar to shame.

The Congress. The offense and defense can fight on the sidelines and never actually go out on the field or get anything done. The special teams unit can be the Tea Party and capitalize on the bickering by hopping onto the field.

The Monuments. How perfect does “The Washington Monuments” sound? Pretty badass. I’m sure Snyder would be happy with the phallic symbolism going on here, since he’s basically waving his phallus in the disapproving public’s face.

The Senators. Bring the name back and use it in a different sport. Recycling ideas is the thing to do in Hollywood, so why not in the NFL?

With the right mind, these could converted into sweet football unis.

These could converted into sweet football unis.

The, Mr. Smith Goes To. James Stewart as the mascot. Boom goes the dynamite.

**

Those are just a few ideas. What are your ideas? Leave them in the comment section or tweet at us. Let’s give Snyder a good list of names to choose from. We can probably get him to overpay us for it.

Michael Sam – Breaking The Walls Down

How Do You Feel About Michael Sam?

The Bears could use a hard working pass rusher.

The Bears could use a hard working pass rusher.

I don’t want to be writing about this. I wish that this wasn’t a news story. I wish every sports talk and news show wasn’t debating this or picking this story apart from every angle. It should be a non-story, no big deal and hopefully some day it will, but today Michael Sam’ declaration that he is gay is a huge story.

Sam was the co-SEC Defensive player of the year last year. The Missouri DE led the conference in sacks and tackles for a loss. He is currently projected to be a third round draft pick, which would make him the first openly gay, active football player. The fact that gay people have to declare their sexuality or come out of the closet disgusts me. Why don’t we make everyone declare their sexual preference? I’ve never been made to tell anyone, “I’m heterosexual and want to have sex with a lot of women.” I’ll write an entire article about it, but no one is making me do it.

The reaction to this news has been mixed. Many people are proud of Sam for being brave and having the courage to come out in a macho, male dominated league. And especially for having the guts to be the first gay football player to do so. Again, I agree with this sentiment, but the fact that it has to be such an intimidating ordeal just shows how much further we have to go.

Progress, substantial progress in social matters, can only be made once older generations die off. It is morbid, but true. The older generations cling to its beliefs, scared to let the world change in any significant way from the world they remember. It is certainly not all older people who are bigoted in their beliefs, but it is enough that we need them to die off in order make the social changes necessary to have a more inclusive society. I know it sounds a bit morbid, but these people have had plenty of chances to change, but are too stubborn or lack the fortitude to do so.

We want social change to happen quickly because it is painful to watch groups of people be ostracized for such petty and misguided reasons, but once a thought like, “gay people are an abomination and an attack on the union of marriage” is engrained in someone’s head there is no getting it out.

It doesn’t matter that heterosexual couples have a coin flip success rate at marriage and divorce fractures families that they are so worried gay people will ruin. Forget the fact that more marriages and weddings circulate more money into the “free market” these same people typically love so much. Even the religious defenses of marriage seem to be forgetting that God sent his only son to be sacrificed in order save our sins, which occurred due to misinterpretation of Old Testament readings. What was the new message that Jesus brought with him, “Do onto others as you would have done onto you. Unless you’re homosexual or not white.”

I kid about the second part, but honestly sometimes it feels like I missed it in the Bible somewhere cause that is how it seems to be interpreted these days. If you believe in Jesus, then by denying gay people the right to marry or be treated like normal human beings, I guess that means that is how we should all be treated. Let’s just get rid of marriage all together. Or maybe, the infallible God went through all the trouble of impregnating a woman with his only in order to have him brutally tortured and left to die on a cross, for the laughs.

The responses of NFL executives have been very telling, most would fit into the older generation clinging to prejudice beliefs. They’ve talked about the media circus that Sam will bring and how they are afraid of how players will react in the locker room. They do not want to fracture the locker room. Bullshit! The truth is that a bunch of old white men are uncomfortable with a young, black gay man being on their team. Instead of admitting or owning their prejudice they choose to deflect blame onto others.

It reminds me of a Dave Chappelle interview where he discussed racism in the South. He said that he was much more scared of being in a New York City board room, then anywhere in the South. The reason was that in the South, they are very open and honest about their racism. They let you know exactly where they stand and it is easy to move on from there. While in these bigger, northern cities racism is much more deceptive. People will portray themselves as progressive or comfortable with being around or working with black people, but then their actions will demonstrate their true feelings. They’ll find excuses to not hire black people or hold them from getting promotions that they’ve earned.

The same applies for gay people. The NFL will portray itself as a progressive league, but the actions it takes with Michael Sam will demonstrate its true feelings. The early indication, based off response, does not look good.

I hope I’m wrong that I’m just being a cynical bastard and the world has changed enough to fully embrace a gay football player. I know that I would love to have Sam drafted by the Chicago Bears because we could use a tenacious pass rusher with a high motor. And that is what he is.

Sam stated that he does not want to become an advocate, and he doesn’t have to. Simply being a football player is the best thing he could do for homosexuals. He is just a man who happens to be attracted to other men. However, there will be some people who just will not be comfortable with it and continue to treat homosexuals as inferior.

For all those people, I have a proposal. If homosexuals have to continue to come out of “the closet” in order for you to know exactly whom they are, then in turn all homophobes should be forced to announce themselves as such on national TV. No more hiding being these guises of being a nice, welcoming people and fully admit to being the scum of the earth that you are.

Continue to cling to your prejudice, ignorant, twisted beliefs. Just know, as you take your final breath that it was all for not. You will die and the world will finally be able to progress forward, becoming a better society in the process. History will then look upon you the same way as slave owners, McCarthyism, and Jim Crow laws: racist, ignorant, dick bags.

How do you feel about Michael Sam now?

Filling the Football Void

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

The weekend between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl is limbo defined for a football fan. A streak of 20 straight Sundays with NFL Football suddenly comes to a crashing halt. Where do we turn in order to fill this void? The Pro Bowl game? Get the fuck out of here, a glorified touch football game with disinterested star players, many of who are still reeling from a painful playoff elimination, is an embarrassment to the game. It must be avoided at all costs in order to not allow its stink to ruin the sweet taste of Super Bowl Sunday.

Well, what about the Grammy Awards? As tempting as live performances from the biggest musical acts of the past year sounds, as well as Queen Beyoncé on my Television screen, it is too early to start counter programming. We need to save that for the post-Super Bowl blues when football needs to be forgotten in order to save us from depression.

Sorry, B! I'm still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

Sorry, B! I’m still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

No, this weekend we need to keep the adrenaline from an epic Championship Weekend going into next week. What the hell on TV this weekend could possibly do that? I’ll tell you my friends, the WWE Royal Rumble PPV.

WWE? Who watches that over the age of 10, besides hicks or nerds who live in their mother’s basements? It’s easy to be skeptical, nobody knows that better than me, but everyone needs to trust me on this. The Royal Rumble is the perfect filler to this weekend absent of football.

It has so many of the same qualities that we love about football, hard-hitting action, extraordinary athleticism, bitter rivalries, cliche announcing, and men rolling around on a mat in speedos covered in baby oil.* Football is popular for two reasons, gambling and blood thirst. WWE definitely fulfills one of those requirements:

*Maybe this one only happened in a weird dream I had.

For what it lacks in gambling ability, it makes up for in crazy stories and character turns. Imagine if in the Bears-Packers Week 17 game, instead of catching the game winning touchdown with less than a minute to go, Randall Cobb purposely dropped Aaron Rodgers pass, then ripped off his Packers jersey to reveal a Bears’ one underneath, then went on to celebrate with the rowdy Soldier Field faithful, and signed with the Bears in the offseason to go on and dominate the Packers for years to come.* Unfortunately for me, this would never happen in the NFL, but in the WWE it is a possibility on any given night.

*Dear Lord how I wish this happened. Why didn’t this happen? It should’ve, if only Vince McMahon ran the NFL. 

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The Royal Rumble is the kickoff to Vince McMahon’s most lucrative time of year and as a borderline sociopathic billionaire, McMahon loves to make money, so he usually pulls out all the stops. The event is always headlined by the Royal Rumble match, always one of the most exciting matches of the year. It is a match where two superstars start in the ring and 28 more follow one at a time in 90 second intervals. Wrestlers are only eliminated from the match when they are tossed over the top rope and both feet hit the ground. It is a match filled with incredible athletic feats, memorable returns from legends, and winner who is guaranteed a shot to main event Wrestlemania, the Super Bowl of wrestling.

In addition to all of the exciting aspects of the Rumble match itself, the PPV also has an exciting drinking games, which is an added bonus as we await the super bowl of drinking weekends, the Super Bowl. Here’s how it works, courtesy of the immortal Paul Kresge, never claim that I LeBeufed him out of his credit, who turned me on to this game.

Get your friends together, preferably an amount that is divisible with 30, so 2, 3, 5, 6, 10, or 15, but I suggest you limit it to 10 at most. Then put 30 pieces of paper, numbered 1-30, in a hat and let all of the participants select an amount of numbers that multiply with the amount of people participating and equals 30. For the slower of our readers let me use an example, if five people are participating, then each would select six numbers. Each participants’ numbers represents the wrestler who enters the Rumble match at that corresponding position. The last number selected by each participant is a wild card, which doubles all drinking values.

Here’s a breakdown:

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

You Drink One

  • When your wrestler enters

  • If he is accompanied by someone

  • Wears a mask

  • Has a shirt on when he enters

  • Is making a debut or return to the WWE

  • If your wrestler is abnormal size or clearly on steroids

  • A member of a group of tag team

Everyone Drinks One

  • When a champion enters the match

  • For a legend and/or Hall of Famer

  • When an announcer mentions how long someone has been in the ring (happens more often than you’d expect)

  • Both members of a tag team are in the match at the same time

    There's a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

    There’s a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

You Drink 5

  • When your guy is eliminated

  • You selected both members of a tag team

  • If another wrestler avoids elimination at the hands of your wrestler in a cool way (player’s discretion)

  • Your wrestler is eliminated before the next number comes out

  • Another wrestler uses his or her finisher on yours

  • Your wild card fails to eliminated anyone

  • None of your wrestlers reach the final 6

Everyone Drinks 5

Watch out for foreign objects!

Watch out for foreign objects!

  • When 10 or more wrestlers are in the ring at once

  • Someone not in the match interferes

  • A foreign object is used to eliminate a wrestler

You Finish Your Beer

  • If you get a female or someone over 50

  • One of your wrestlers gets eliminated by a female or someone over 50

  • Once all your wrestlers are eliminated

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

One special rule to note, if at any point in the match one of your wrestler’s eliminates three or more guys, then he or she is in NBA Jam mode, which means each wrestler eliminated by said wrestler has to drink double, until the wrestler on fire is eliminated. It may seem a little complicated, but feel free to get rid of and simplify whatever you like. Or simply watch the match and drink at your discretion.

If I’ve convinced you to fill the void of no football this weekend by watching the Rumble this Sunday, then come back tomorrow to check out a rundown of all the storylines and matches, heading into the event. And if I haven’t convinced you, then I’m sorry, no not for wasting your time, I’m sorry that your life will never be completely fulfilled because you’ve made this decision.

This Post Written By Tom Demetrio