It was only a matter of time. Today, multiple sources reported that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins trademark registration. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest dominoes to fall in what will most likely result in Washington’s NFL team having to change its name.
While some people will decry the move and call it bending over backwards in the name of political correctness, other people are not ignorant idiots. I do think, at times, our tendency as a society is to be too politically correct, but this is not one of those times. Please read how the term “redskin” negatively affects Native Americans here, as written by a Boston Celtics beat reporter with Native American heritage. I knew the term was pretty offensive, but I had no idea about its exact origins. It’s pretty gross.
Before I get into the fun stuff, since I’m not doing a whole post on the topic, I’d like to throw a special Hump Day Fuck You out to Washington owner Dan Snyder. Not only do you break my beautiful friend Brian Donovan’s heart every year with your fourth-grader-playing-franchise-mode-on-Madden-like decisions, you are a moron for saying shit like this about the Redskins name:
“[It] is more than a name we have called our football team for over eight decades. It is a symbol of everything we stand for: strength, courage, pride, and respect — the same values we know guide Native Americans and which are embedded throughout their rich history as the original Americans.”
You are a special kind of dickwad, Dan. Respect? You had the balls to use that word?
Moving on. Now that Washington’s team no longer has a nickname, it’s time to brainstorm some new options.
The Washington Washingtons. Fuck yeah, right? It’s got a ring to it. Imagine different Washingtons running around FedEx Field like the presidents do at Nationals Park. You could have a young George Washington, Washington Crossing the Delaware, and current Tennessee Titans receiver Nate Washington as the “Three Washingtons.” I see a movie franchise, too.
The Underwoods. In honor of Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright’s characters from House of Cards. That show takes place in Washington. And it’s good, though the second season was a little far-fetched. But it’s Tommy’s job to review TV, not mine.
The Tysons Corners. I’ve got relatives that live outside of D.C. and they go there to shop all the time. I think this could be kind of a cool name. Actually, this is by far the worst idea I have.
The Hanburgers. Chris Hanburger played linebacker for Washington from 1965-78 and is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Imagine a hamburger mascot with a football helmet on pumping up the Washington faithful. Awesome, right? He’d put the Hamburglar to shame.
The Congress. The offense and defense can fight on the sidelines and never actually go out on the field or get anything done. The special teams unit can be the Tea Party and capitalize on the bickering by hopping onto the field.
The Monuments. How perfect does “The Washington Monuments” sound? Pretty badass. I’m sure Snyder would be happy with the phallic symbolism going on here, since he’s basically waving his phallus in the disapproving public’s face.
The Senators. Bring the name back and use it in a different sport. Recycling ideas is the thing to do in Hollywood, so why not in the NFL?
The, Mr. Smith Goes To. James Stewart as the mascot. Boom goes the dynamite.
Those are just a few ideas. What are your ideas? Leave them in the comment section or tweet at us. Let’s give Snyder a good list of names to choose from. We can probably get him to overpay us for it.