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New Nickname Brainstorm Bonanza for the Washington Redskins

It was only a matter of time. Today, multiple sources reported that the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office canceled the Washington Redskins trademark registration. This is undoubtedly one of the biggest dominoes to fall in what will most likely result in Washington’s NFL team having to change its name.

While some people will decry the move and call it bending over backwards in the name of political correctness, other people are not ignorant idiots. I do think, at times, our tendency as a society is to be too politically correct, but this is not one of those times. Please read how the term “redskin” negatively affects Native Americans here, as written by a Boston Celtics beat reporter with Native American heritage. I knew the term was pretty offensive, but I had no idea about its exact origins. It’s pretty gross.

Before I get into the fun stuff, since I’m not doing a whole post on the topic, I’d like to throw a special Hump Day Fuck You out to Washington owner Dan Snyder. Not only do you break my beautiful friend Brian Donovan’s heart every year with your fourth-grader-playing-franchise-mode-on-Madden-like decisions, you are a moron for saying shit like this about the Redskins name:

“[It] is more than a name we have called our football team for over eight decades. It is a symbol of everything we stand for: strength, courage, pride, and respect — the same values we know guide Native Americans and which are embedded throughout their rich history as the original Americans.”

What a dick.

What a dick.

You are a special kind of dickwad, Dan. Respect? You had the balls to use that word?

Moving on. Now that Washington’s team no longer has a nickname, it’s time to brainstorm some new options.

The Washington Washingtons. Fuck yeah, right? It’s got a ring to it. Imagine different Washingtons running around FedEx Field like the presidents do at Nationals Park. You could have a young George Washington, Washington Crossing the Delaware, and current Tennessee Titans receiver Nate Washington as the “Three Washingtons.” I see a movie franchise, too.

Teddy Roosevelt for the win! Imagine "The Three Washingtons" doing this.

Teddy Roosevelt for the win! Imagine “The Three Washingtons” doing this.

The Underwoods. In honor of Kevin Spacey and Robin Wright’s characters from House of Cards. That show takes place in Washington. And it’s good, though the second season was a little far-fetched. But it’s Tommy’s job to review TV, not mine.

The Tysons Corners. I’ve got relatives that live outside of D.C. and they go there to shop all the time. I think this could be kind of a cool name. Actually, this is by far the worst idea I have.

The Hanburgers. Chris Hanburger played linebacker for Washington from 1965-78 and is in the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Imagine a hamburger mascot with a football helmet on pumping up the Washington faithful. Awesome, right? He’d put the Hamburglar to shame.

The Congress. The offense and defense can fight on the sidelines and never actually go out on the field or get anything done. The special teams unit can be the Tea Party and capitalize on the bickering by hopping onto the field.

The Monuments. How perfect does “The Washington Monuments” sound? Pretty badass. I’m sure Snyder would be happy with the phallic symbolism going on here, since he’s basically waving his phallus in the disapproving public’s face.

The Senators. Bring the name back and use it in a different sport. Recycling ideas is the thing to do in Hollywood, so why not in the NFL?

With the right mind, these could converted into sweet football unis.

These could converted into sweet football unis.

The, Mr. Smith Goes To. James Stewart as the mascot. Boom goes the dynamite.

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Those are just a few ideas. What are your ideas? Leave them in the comment section or tweet at us. Let’s give Snyder a good list of names to choose from. We can probably get him to overpay us for it.

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Snow Days For Adults

I’ve been a Southern California resident for over two and a half years. That means that I’ve been able to avoid the unforgiving weather that used to be part of my daily winter life in Chicago and Boston. I’ve traded trudging to class down Commonwealth Avenue through impromptu March snowstorms for cruising to work down the Pacific Coast Highway with my windows open in January.

But something doesn’t feel right. I’m not talking about the fact that I still have my Illinois driver’s license and Boston University student ID.

No, it’s something much deeper. I miss snow days.

Let me clarify: I don’t miss dealing with inclement weather for long periods of time. I don’t think anyone in his or her right mind would. Consistent warm weather isn’t something to bitch about.

I miss that email from BU saying classes are cancelled. I miss the freedom and infinite promise that a snow day brings. A snow day is one those rare days in your life when anything is possible. Well, except any outdoor activity that doesn’t involve snow. Or driving anywhere. Or flying. And sometimes walking can be difficult. But let’s not focus on the negative here, Nancy.

Epic movie.

Epic movie.

On a snow day, you can lead everyone in your elementary school on an exciting mission to stop Snowplowman from plowing the streets so that school stays closed, while your dad, Chevy Chase, squares off against a rival meteorologist to save his career. Oh wait, that’s the plot of Snow Day, a Nickelodeon Movie from 2000. I don’t care what IMDB says (4.9 rating out of 10), the movie’s tagline – “Rules were made to be frozen!” – tells you how amazing that movie is.

My friends in Chicago and Boston, do they cancel work on snow days when you’re an adult? If so, that’s freaking awesome. Think about all the cool stuff you did as a kid on a snow day and how much cooler it gets as an adult.

For example, sledding. You’re never too old to put on a pair of snow pants and wax your sled – that’s not a euphemism – before heading to the local sledding hill. However, as a younger kid, you were way too young to play beer pong before doing so. As a grownup, you can go sledding with a slight buzz that provides: (a) warmth (b) courage and (c) creativity. They really need to make a pro-drunk sledding commercial with Tim Allen narrating.

Snow days for adults mean Netflix binging like nobody’s business, too. Still behind on House of Cards and need to catch up before the new season comes out on February 14? Snow days solve that. Oh, want to get a head start on your tax return? Bam! A snow day is here to solve all your problems. Have you been meaning to email your friends from high school or college telling them how the hell your life is going? Oh yeah. Snow day has you covered, baby.

Oh man. Maybe I made a mistake moving to Los Angeles. Adult snow days sound earth shatteringly amazing. Imagine if you had a significant other on one of these stay at home winter days. You guys could you-know-what all day long. It’s totally possible. I mean it. Playing Heads Up on your iPhone all day is more than a reality. There are a million categories. What’d you think I was talking about?

Now this is the kind of fort I'm talking about.

Now this is the kind of fort I’m talking about.

If you’re single and incurably immature – like me – you could go build the sickest, most fortified snow fort on the block. Forget that kid crap. You’re an adult now. You have the resources and wherewithal to construct a snow fort that rivals The Wall from Game of Thrones (which coincidentally would be another great show to binge watch on a snow day). Imagine how awesome it would be to start an epic, all-out snowball battle with everyone on your block. Since you built the first castle, you could claim the Stark family name and start yelling “WINTER IS COMING!” and kick some serious ass. Although, you might want to clarify that you’re the first season Starks. I’m telling you, watch Game of Thrones!

I might be getting a little carried away here. Or maybe I’m just getting started. I don’t really know anymore. The warm weather has made my brain a little mushy. Part of me just wants to go to the beach and have a margarita.

But, damn it. There will always be that other part that wants to grease up the sled (again not a euphemism), chug a beer, glide down to my snow fort, and start a battle so freaking legendary that George R.R. Martin writes a whole seven-book series about it.

winter-is-coming-48

Happy snow day to all my friends on the East Coast!