Football

New Boston University Director of Athletics Should Bring Back Football

Today, my alma mater Boston University named interim director of athletics Drew Marrochello the new head of BU athletics. The University needed a replacement for Michael Lynch, who stepped down after two unfortunate, public incidents – one involving sexual assault charges against two male hockey players, the other being accusations that former women’s head basketball coach Kelly Greenberg mistreated players in an emotionally damaging way.

Drew looks like a nice guy.

Drew looks like a nice guy.

On the surface, this hire seems like a great move. Marrochello came to BU in 2005 as an associate athletic director for internal affairs and was eventually promoted to deputy director of athletics. According to BU Today, Marrochello’s promotion “received strong support from the coaching staff, colleagues in the athletics department, deans, faculty, and University administrators.”

Even better, the new athletic director grew up in Arlington, Massachusetts, and used to go to BU-Boston College hockey games. Between his nine years at Boston U and his growing up in the Boston area, the guy seems like a perfect fit as the new Terriers AD.

In my opinion, however, Marrochello is a safe candidate who will fall short of his goal of getting BU viewed as “the best non-football-playing Division I school in the nation.”

What angers me most about that statement is its subtext. That goal is akin to wanting to become the greatest rock band of all-time from Uzbekistan. No offense to Uzbekistan, but who cares if you’re the best rock band there?

To be less facetious, what I mean is who fucking cares if you’re the best non-football-playing Division I school in the nation? We’re a nation that loves football. And we – the BU nation – are starving for a goddamn football team. The fact that Marrochello even uses the phrase “best non-football-playing Division I school” is an admission that we can only be the best in a tier below the best tier.

Excuse me if I want to be in the premier league of college sports.

I think this logo is a sweet start.

I think this logo is a sweet start.

What pisses me off most about the quotes that BU Today attributed to Marrochello is the frequency with which football is mentioned. The new AD described himself as a “kid who grew up watching the Boston Breakers play on Nickerson Field.” According to BU’s athletic website, the Breakers were part of the United States Football League, and played their home games on BU’s campus during 1983.

One of Marrochello’s fondest memories of Nickerson Field was watching a football game. And why wouldn’t it be? Nickerson is a beautiful stadium, a gem in the heart of Boston. It begs for college football to be played there.

In fact, a lot of really great football has already been played there. The Patriots played three seasons there toward the beginning of the 1960s. And if you haven’t heard of the awesome 1993 BU Football team that beat future NFL Hall of Famer Kurt Warner then you should watch this video (and parts 2 and 3).

If you want to feel better about yourself, watch the video below that some friends and I made. It was supposed to be a parody, but Barstool got hold of it and ripped us to shreds.

**

I spent my BU infancy frolicking around West Campus. I lived on the fourth floor of Sleeper Hall my freshman year. I woke up numerous times way earlier than I wanted to on Saturday mornings to the sound of “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” blaring from Nickerson’s speakers every time our nationally-ranked women’s lacrosse team scored. They were fucking good. I heard that song a lot.

Now imagine this full of fans in scarlet and white.

Now imagine this full of fans in scarlet and white.

While my hungover ass could have used more sleep, I always loved looking out my window to see the excitement unfolding on and around Nickerson. I often daydreamed about nearby Babcock Street and Harry Agganis Way shutting down for a Saturday morning football tailgate. Droves of alums, students, and Bostonians in Scarlet and White, chugging Sam Adams, Natty Light, and busting a move as the BU Band played their rousing, awesome version of The J. Giles Band’s “Centerfold.”

Can’t you just smell burgers and brats on portable grills outside of Camp Co? Can’t you see Rhett playing bags with a group of wide-eyed freshmen excited to be experiencing college football at the best college in the Northeast? I can see wily upperclassmen explaining BU’s offensive game plan to sophomores who think they know it all. It’s not hard for me to picture professors, students, and BU brass filing into Nickerson hoping to somehow, someway take down Boston College in week one of the NCAA football season. That’s assuming the Eagles would have the gumption to take us on in a non-conference week one barnburner.

**

Look, I’m not naïve. I understand that bringing football back to BU is not easy, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be cheap. I’m also grateful of the efforts a number of students have made to make club football a big deal.

But I’m frustrated with the current administration and athletic department’s close-mindedness. Why can’t we be one of the nation’s best academic AND athletic institutions? Why has the current administration not considered bringing football back? Or, if they have, why hasn’t that discussion been public?

Boston is one of – if not the – best cities to go to college in. Sure, we might not be able to recruit top football talent in the same way that we struggle recruiting top basketball talent, but it’s worth a shot. Can’t we, at the very least, talk about the pros and cons of bringing football back to Boston University?

I mean goddamn it, our campus has a statue of famed BU athlete Harry Agganis throwing a football yards from Nickerson! Talk about a slap in the face.

The nerve of BU to put a statue of someone playing football on our campus.

The nerve of BU to put a statue of someone playing football on our campus.

Let’s stop pretending football isn’t part of Boston University’s past and discuss it becoming part of our future.

I’m looking at you, Marrochello.

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Friday Mailbag: TV Edition

The traditional television season is coming to a close and while that does not carry the same significance as it did 10 years ago, let alone 30, I still thought it would be a good excuse to breakout the mailbag to see what is on everyone’s mind. As always these are actual emails from actual readers.

This week at Upfronts NBC did everything short of holding a ticker tape parade to celebrate finishing first in the key demo, 18-49. Is it too cynical of me to suggest they shouldn’t be celebrating inflated ratings due to Sunday Night Football and the Winter Olympics? – Johnathan, Boise. 

There is a lot swagger around the Universal lot this week. Yesterday I saw the Big Chief himself, Bob Greenblatt, strutting to the Commissary in jeans and his sleeves rolled up. After a decade plus of being the laughing stock of the Big Four I think a little celebration is deserved. However, I do agree with your assessment, there is no getting around the fact that the victory was earned on the back of three horses, Sunday Night Football, Winter Olympics with an assist to Bob Costas’ pink eye, and The Voice.

NBC is partying like it is 1994.

NBC is partying like it is 1994.

As much as Greenblatt would like to crow about Sound of Music and The Blacklist, the former is a once a year event and the latter is still unproven without The Voice lead-in. The Blacklist will not bomb next year without The Voice like Revolution did, but it will be battling to get 2.0 or higher on Thursday nights next Spring. The post-Super Bowl slot has not been fruitful since Grey’s Anatomy in 2007, in-fact this year’s combo of New Girl and Brooklyn 99 both saw diminishing returns after its post-Super Bowl episodes. But in today’s landscape there are no more big hits and NBC has found stability. It will ride the wave of event programming, next year’s Super Bowl replacing the Winter Olympics, and combine it with old friend Dick Wolf to remain much more successful compared to years past. Don’t be surprised to see the Peacock make it back-to-back first place finishes next year.

What was the best new show of the last Broadcast season? Is there one that has Hall of Fame potential? Will there ever be another Hall of Fame broadcast show launched again? – Joe, Boston. 

Brooklyn 99 certainly has Hall of Fame potential, but after that it gets sketchy. I loved Trophy Wife, but it was losing steam towards the end of what turned out to be its only season, so it is hard for me to commit to saying we lost a Hall of Famer before its time. The two most hyped programs, Marvel Agents of SHIELD and The Blacklist, lack any substance to go with all of its flash and even another great performance from first ballot Hall of Famer, James Spader, can make up for it. Each new season seems to bring a ton of disappointment with it, but I remain optimistic that things will improve, from a quality standpoint, as networks realize that the big ratings are just never going to be there again. Based on Universal Productions this year’s crop of pilots is markedly better than last year’s. Both David Caspe and Tina Fey return to television. Grey’s alums Katherine Heigl and Kate Walsh return with vehicles shaped perfectly for them, in State of Affairs and Bad Judge respectively. There is hope on the horizon.

As Broadcast networks once mighty power has been sucked away the past decade by cable and now streaming devices, its one saving grace has been comedies. Is it just me or is that now gone as well? Christina, Kansas City. 

I agree Christina, I have enjoyed Broadcast comedies a bit better than cable in the past few years and I also agree that it too has now switched in the favor of cable. The best broadcast comedies going into next season are, Big Bang Theory, not my cup of tea but its ratings are impressive and people do enjoy it, Parks and Rec, entering its 7th and final season without an official air date, The Middle, enjoyable yet forgettable, The Goldbergs, ditto, New Girl, up-and-down third season buoyed by the return of D-Dub Jr., and  Brooklyn 99, flashed a ton of potential with its season end run.

Broad City has helped turn the tide in favor of cable comedies.

Broad City has helped turn the tide in favor of cable comedies.

 Compared to what is going on in cable, Louie, the most poignant and interesting comedy on TV, Broad City, the comedy with the biggest laughs, and Veep, the best comedy on TV. And it is clear that the tides have turned without me mentioning the still hilarious It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, The League, Girls, which I’ll admit improved in its third season, the strange uniquely funny Portlandia, and if you believe in fickle Emmy categories, Shameless. Outside of ABCs offensive batch of new comedies there is some support coming for Broadcast. My biased view is pumped to welcome Mulaney to the fall schedule Sunday nights on Fox. Having seen both Bad Judge and Mission Control’s pilots I can say both are loaded with potential. And even though I was disappointed in the pilot of Tina Fey’s new series, The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I still trust the people involved to figure things out and eventually create a very funny series out of it. We’ll revisit this battle in a year to see how it has changed.

Please tell me the Warriors didn’t make a huge mistake by firing a coach whose entire team loved him and would run through a brick wall for in favor of an unproven Broadcaster turned Belle of the Ball because Phil Jackson wanted him to be his puppet coach for him in order to avoid the grueling travel of the NBA schedule? – Matt C., Santa Monica 

Damn it. How did this get in here? Television questions only. I don’t have time to placate your Warrior worries Matt C. from Santa Monica.

**Warning these next few questions are Arrow specific and contains some spoilers, so skip over if you do not want to be spoiled or if you’re an idiot and not interested in the series. 

 

Where do you put Arrow Season 2 on your list of all-time seasons? Is it Pantheon worthy? – Arthur, Cincinnati file_178947_1_arrow_season_2_poster

Good question. I’ll need some time to reflect before I can properly rate it, but I will say that it definitely lands in my top 10 fantastic seasons and I mean “fan”tastic literally. Look, there is no comparing Arrow to shows like The Wire, Sopranos, Mad Men, or Breaking Bad. It has completely different goals and aspirations. If I were to compare it to another show it would be Lost. In its day Lost was on Game of Thrones level of anticipation, hype, and excitement. People broke it down like a thesis paper, but in hindsight it was not much more than  fan-serving, high concept entertainment. It was not trying to make big sweeping statements about society or discover a deeper meaning in life. It was simply trying to keep fans on the edge of their seats with twists and turns, action, and love triangles to get Shippers hot and bothered. Arrow does the same thing, but actually makes some more nuanced, profound observations on society, specifically greed, desire, social and fiscal class disparity, and how we are defined as people. This season packed in a lot of narrative and highlighted Oliver Queen’s journey from a killer to a hero that was capped off in the finale this week. Excellently executed as well, may I add. 

How worried should we be about the status of Caity Lotz for Season 3 of Arrow? Why has it not  been announced that she has been upped to Regular? Shouldn’t have this been down by now? What is going on? Do we need to riot if this doesn’t happen by the Fall? – Jana, Vancouver

I cannot be robbed of Oliver and Sara time.

I cannot be robbed of Oliver and Sara time.

Excellent question, Jana. But let’s not panic quite yet. The fact that Sara Lance survived this season is a good sign. I was a bit surprised that her life was not once in peril the entire episode and the lack of a conversation between her and Oliver in the wake of their apparent break-up. Arrow has a lot of masters and characters to serve, which is why I was hoping for more bodies to drop other than Moira Queen’s. In an ideal world Roy and Laurel would die heroically and our remaining, much more interesting characters would have something to grieve moving forward. I do not want Arrow to become too soapy or sappy with its love stories, but I would like some more time to explore Oliver’s romantic entanglements.

He seems to fall in-and-out of relationships rather quickly, which makes sense given everything that he has been through. I too would be grasping for anything that I thought would make me happy, especially if Caity Lotz and Summer Glau are involved, and yet be scared to commit due to the demons I carry around. But just a few weeks ago he asked Sara to move in with him and then got dumped. I would’ve liked to see more of his reaction to this as I thought it was a big step in his character progression, but the show seemed to be sweeping it under the rug.

This is the only Black Canary I'll ever recognize.

This is the only Black Canary I’ll ever recognize.

In fact the show did not do well by Sara/The Canary at all in the last few episodes, between the heavy handed approach to showing her that she is a hero, to not explaining why she was back and then randomly inserting the League of Assassins back in her life, to then having her get on a boat with said League and no one seeming to have a big issue with her leaving for an undetermined amount of time. Where the hell was Oliver for this decision? Why couldn’t he say good-bye? Damn it, Jana, now you’ve got me mad too.

I don’t want to watch Laurel become the Canary. It makes no sense. Sara has years of training by the most deadly organization in the world. Laurel is a bumbling, idiot, drunk attorney who ruins every story she is in, please, please don’t let her become a part of team Arrow. Not after the awesomeness that was Sara and Caity Lotz. Please Marc Guggenheim, don’t make me suffer through this ordeal. Please Ali Benmohamed, Caity Lotz’s agent, take whatever deal CW offers you for series regular status. Actually check that, damn it CW, don’t cheap out on me. Please offer Ms. Lotz whatever she wants. Don’t ruin your hit show. Please, please, please. Otherwise you will have to deal with Jana and I rioting your headquarters.

On a scale of 1-10 how cruel was Arrow to us Olicity, Oliver and Felicity, shippers? – Dave, Salt Lake City

Pretty rough, I must admit, as a Saliver I was not that pissed off about the fake out. In fact I was relieved, not that I’m against Felicity and Oliver being romantically involved, more so that this confession came out of nowhere and was on the heels of Oliver just asking Sara to move in with him. It felt false for Oliver to admit something big like this out of the blue and was much more satisfied that it was part of a plan to end Deathstroke. I have no doubt that the endgame goal is to get Felicity and Oliver together, but I hope they do not take the traditional narrative of dragging out a will they/won’t they between them till the very end. I would much rather see them actually date or at least hook up some time in the next season .

 

** This concludes our Arrow portion of the Mail Bag. 

Seriously though, is Kerr going to rely too heavily on the Triangle? Won’t that limit some of Curry’s creativity? And isn’t having a high basketball IQ different for broadcasting than coaching? Isn’t a big part of it gaining the respect and love of your players? – Matt C., Santa Monica

Alright, alright Matt C. I will address your precious Warriors. It is a highly risky move. A big part of Kerr’s appeal is how badly Phil wanted him to coach the Knicks, but I do believe that part of that was having a former player he could control in order to coach the team without actually coaching. Look at who is backup choice appears to be, Derek Fisher, falls into the same camp as Kerr. I do think that the Triangle will give the Warriors more stability on offense and that Kerr will not solely run it, so you guys will be difficult to defend. Mark Jackson’s offense was Vinny Del Negro bland and relied far too heavily on Curry high pick n’ roll and Iso post-ups on perceived mismatches. These plays are so common and therefore easier to defend. With the amount of shooting the Warriors have there is no excuse for having this bland of an offense. I think it will see marked improvement next season. The question marks are will these players work as hard on the defensive end as they did for Jackson. We will have to see. If they do though, I think the Warriors rise past the Rockets and Blazers into the top-four of the West giving them a better path to the Western Conference Finals. You happy, Matt C. from Santa Monica?

How bad was the How I Met Your Mother finale? Worst of all-time? And how happy are Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld to be off the sitcom finale snide? – Joan, Tulsa

Again, don’t want to be a prisoner of the moment, but if How I Met Your Mother followed the Dinosaurs blueprint of causing their species to go extinct, I think it would’ve gone over better with fans.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/briangalindo/dinosaurs-the-most-traumatizing-series-finale-ever

And am I the only person in the world that actually enjoyed the Seinfeld finale and found it to be a funny, unique way to end a sitcom, while also being a fitting ending for those characters. Count me as a Seinfeld finale defender till the day I die.

Why aren’t more people talking about Orphan Black? More importantly why aren’t more people talking about Tatiana Maslany and what an amazing performance she is giving? I’m shocked and disappointed that you’ve not done a Women I Love article on her yet. – Angela, Detroit

Keep smiling Tatiana. You're a first ballot Hall of Famer.

Keep smiling Tatiana. You’re a first ballot Hall of Famer.

I just finished season one of Orphan Black this week, so give me some time on the Women I Love article because you’re right I’m absolutely in love with Maslany. I do not want to go into specifics of the show because it is a must watch. Maslany is giving a Sandy Koufax-esque acting performance. This is the fastest I’ve ever seen anyone wrap up Hall of Fame status. I do not even need to see how the rest of the series plays out, I’m ready to give it to her now. Everyone, please make it a priority to watch this show immediately. Mad Men, Veep, and Game of Thrones is coming to a close in a couple weeks and there is not much quality TV on the horizon this summer. The first season is only 10 episodes and you’ll breeze through them. Consider this a decree, watch Orphan Black or never get a mailbag again.

 

 

The Snooze Button: Can We Use It In Real Life?

Life is fleeting. That’s not an attempt to sound deep and poetic. It’s a fact. We clock into this world the second we’re born, and before we know it, we’re clocking out. That’s why it is so great when time seems to stop for a little while and we get caught in one of those beautifully long moments that seem infinite.

If you think about it, most of us get one of those moments each and every morning. You know what I’m talking about if you’re a serial snooze button user like I am. With one press of the snooze button, you get another nine minutes of that wonderful gray area between dreams and reality.

I wish you could use the snooze button for real life events. I talked about how much growing up sucks the other day. It’d be nice to be able to push snooze at one of those amazing college theme parties – personally, I’m thinking my 21st Great Gatsby themed birthday party – so that it wouldn’t have to end as quickly. I’m sure everyone can think of a specific party, or many, that he or she would have snoozed.

I'm sure he would've held on to the boombox a little longer if he could have.

I’m sure he would’ve held on to the boombox a little longer if he could have.

Guys and gals alike would probably have used the snooze button at certain points in a romantic relationship, too. In any great relationship, there are those John-Cusack-holding-a-boombox-in-Say-Anything moments that give both people butterflies and remind you why you’re in love or just really care about the person. Imagine being able to extend those moments another nine minutes. Most of us have had really awesome relationships slip through our fingers like impatient grains of sand in an hourglass. How nice would it have been to be able to push snooze just once or twice to say, “F you, hour glass. I get a little more time with this amazing lady.”

I’m sure any groom wouldn’t mind watching his wife walk down the aisle in her wedding dress for a little bit longer. Snooze. New mothers and fathers would probably want to freeze the time they get to hold their newborn in their arms. Snooze. Grandkids wish they had a few more days with their late grandparents to learn one or two tidbits about the latters’ childhoods. Snooze.

So is there a way to create some kind of real life snooze button? I think the short answer to that pressing question is sadly, no. There is no way freeze time or extend things a little bit longer unless you’re Zack Morris from Saved by the Bell. I guess he normally used it to get out of trouble, though. I’m still amazed and a little bit confused about how he always called “Time out!”

No. We can’t press the snooze button on our favorite moments. But that doesn’t mean the moments are gone forever. After all, nostalgia is the most powerful drug out there. But like any drug, you shouldn’t overuse it. However, when used properly, nostalgia is just what the doctor ordered.

I am not suggesting living in the past is a healthy lifestyle. Time rolls on for a reason. But there’s got to be a compromise between not being able to use the snooze button and constantly trying to relive the good old days. And that’s where nostalgia – in the right dosage – comes in.

After all, whether we want to admit it or not, those fleeting non-snoozable moments are part of the reason we are who we are. Those movie-worthy grins from an old love when everything is clicking, touchdown catches in high school, movie nights with your grandparents, college ragers, family dinners, and more all matter. They’re not less real because they’re in the past.

Maybe that’s why it’s best to leave the snooze button on our alarm clocks and cell phones. We’ve got to enjoy those rare life moments and relationships for what they are because you don’t get to press a button and get another nine minutes.

Some philosopher once said, “Snooze, you lose.” I’m pretty sure it was Socrates. I guess he was right.

Super Bowl Media Day

Russell Wilson

MM: What is it like being so amazing?

Who doesn't love this man? Look at that smile.

Who doesn’t love this man? Look at that smile.

RW: I can’t speak to being amazing. All I can do is wake up each morning and strive to improve myself a little every day. Life throws a lot of obstacles at us, but a person is measured by how he or she overcomes them and grows stronger.

MM: What an amazing answer, you are the perfect man. You make me believe in a god.

RW: Thanks?

MM: Madison, Mad Town. Have you found a more fun place on this planet?

RW: No, simply the best.

MM: Just like you. How many games did you have a Mickie’s scramble before?

RW: All of them. It is just too delicious. I believe it gave me an extra boost and has led to much of my success.

There's no line too long to keep me from that delicious gravy topped scramble. Hhhhmmmm

There’s no line too long to keep me from that delicious gravy topped scramble. Hhhhmmmm

MM: What’s most challenging about this week?

RW: Avoiding Bill Simmons. The guy is relentless. I’ve had to change my number a dozen times cause he won’t stop calling. There is nowhere that I feel safe taking a shower. The guy is harder to scramble away from than the Niners D.

MM: I think you’re safe today, only reporters are allowed here.

RW: Classic Simmons slam!

MM: What’s it like playing for Pete Carroll?

RW: He actually doesn’t do any coaching.

MM: Really?

RW: Yeah, his headset isn’t plugged into anything, but don’t let him know that. We let him pretend he is doing something besides some gnarly gum chewing.

MM: What about game planning? Is he involved in coming up with the gameplan at all?

RW: I don’t think he has ever watched a second of tape this season. Every time he calls me into his office I think he’s about to show me some game film, but he always just wants me to see some explicit college porn site.

MM: Dirty Petey. What’s he into?

RW: Sorority sluts, Dorm Rules, Party sex, Exploited Teens, Desperate College Girls, and so many more disgusting sites I cannot name. He’s really big on webcams, but one that he showed me it didn’t even seem like the girl knew she was on camera. He’s a really disgusting guy.

You don't know where those hands have been, people.

You don’t know where those hands have been, people.

MM: My goodness, what a difficult challenge to overcome.

RW: It’s the best way to get stronger, remember.

MM: You make me feel so safe.

RW: I get that a lot.

MM: What concerns you the most about Sunday’s game? The Broncos D, Peyton Manning, Percy Harvin lasting more than one play, or the weather?

RW: Golden Tate making it to the game. He’s been hitting the clubs pretty hard this week. But he keeps striking out and coming back with hookers. He’s a concern every week though, like Will Hunting in reverse, I pick him up every morning and just pray he hasn’t been arrested for stealing a bicycle. I don’t get his obsession with stealing bikes, I keep telling him, “You make millions of dollars, stop stealing bikes.” He never listens though.

MM: He probably never will. What are you going to do if you win on Sunday? Disney World?

RW: I leave on a month long mission to build homes in the Syrian desert next Monday. Then I head up to Israel to negotiate peace talks with Palestine.

MM: Final question, are you doing anything for dinner tonight?

RW: Don’t go all Simmons on me.

MM: Right, right. Stupid, stupid.

RW: Don’t beat yourself up, it happens to the best of us.

I'd worship at the altar of Wilson.

I’d worship at the altar of Wilson.

MM: You think I’m the best?

RW: No, but you’re also not the worst.

MM: I’ll take it. Thanks and good luck on Sunday.

RW: Thanks, but I’ve got special support on Sundays.

MM: I knew you were the son of God!

RW: From my teammates. I’m leaving before this gets any weirder.

Filling the Football Void

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

The weekend between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl is limbo defined for a football fan. A streak of 20 straight Sundays with NFL Football suddenly comes to a crashing halt. Where do we turn in order to fill this void? The Pro Bowl game? Get the fuck out of here, a glorified touch football game with disinterested star players, many of who are still reeling from a painful playoff elimination, is an embarrassment to the game. It must be avoided at all costs in order to not allow its stink to ruin the sweet taste of Super Bowl Sunday.

Well, what about the Grammy Awards? As tempting as live performances from the biggest musical acts of the past year sounds, as well as Queen Beyoncé on my Television screen, it is too early to start counter programming. We need to save that for the post-Super Bowl blues when football needs to be forgotten in order to save us from depression.

Sorry, B! I'm still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

Sorry, B! I’m still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

No, this weekend we need to keep the adrenaline from an epic Championship Weekend going into next week. What the hell on TV this weekend could possibly do that? I’ll tell you my friends, the WWE Royal Rumble PPV.

WWE? Who watches that over the age of 10, besides hicks or nerds who live in their mother’s basements? It’s easy to be skeptical, nobody knows that better than me, but everyone needs to trust me on this. The Royal Rumble is the perfect filler to this weekend absent of football.

It has so many of the same qualities that we love about football, hard-hitting action, extraordinary athleticism, bitter rivalries, cliche announcing, and men rolling around on a mat in speedos covered in baby oil.* Football is popular for two reasons, gambling and blood thirst. WWE definitely fulfills one of those requirements:

*Maybe this one only happened in a weird dream I had.

For what it lacks in gambling ability, it makes up for in crazy stories and character turns. Imagine if in the Bears-Packers Week 17 game, instead of catching the game winning touchdown with less than a minute to go, Randall Cobb purposely dropped Aaron Rodgers pass, then ripped off his Packers jersey to reveal a Bears’ one underneath, then went on to celebrate with the rowdy Soldier Field faithful, and signed with the Bears in the offseason to go on and dominate the Packers for years to come.* Unfortunately for me, this would never happen in the NFL, but in the WWE it is a possibility on any given night.

*Dear Lord how I wish this happened. Why didn’t this happen? It should’ve, if only Vince McMahon ran the NFL. 

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The Royal Rumble is the kickoff to Vince McMahon’s most lucrative time of year and as a borderline sociopathic billionaire, McMahon loves to make money, so he usually pulls out all the stops. The event is always headlined by the Royal Rumble match, always one of the most exciting matches of the year. It is a match where two superstars start in the ring and 28 more follow one at a time in 90 second intervals. Wrestlers are only eliminated from the match when they are tossed over the top rope and both feet hit the ground. It is a match filled with incredible athletic feats, memorable returns from legends, and winner who is guaranteed a shot to main event Wrestlemania, the Super Bowl of wrestling.

In addition to all of the exciting aspects of the Rumble match itself, the PPV also has an exciting drinking games, which is an added bonus as we await the super bowl of drinking weekends, the Super Bowl. Here’s how it works, courtesy of the immortal Paul Kresge, never claim that I LeBeufed him out of his credit, who turned me on to this game.

Get your friends together, preferably an amount that is divisible with 30, so 2, 3, 5, 6, 10, or 15, but I suggest you limit it to 10 at most. Then put 30 pieces of paper, numbered 1-30, in a hat and let all of the participants select an amount of numbers that multiply with the amount of people participating and equals 30. For the slower of our readers let me use an example, if five people are participating, then each would select six numbers. Each participants’ numbers represents the wrestler who enters the Rumble match at that corresponding position. The last number selected by each participant is a wild card, which doubles all drinking values.

Here’s a breakdown:

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

You Drink One

  • When your wrestler enters

  • If he is accompanied by someone

  • Wears a mask

  • Has a shirt on when he enters

  • Is making a debut or return to the WWE

  • If your wrestler is abnormal size or clearly on steroids

  • A member of a group of tag team

Everyone Drinks One

  • When a champion enters the match

  • For a legend and/or Hall of Famer

  • When an announcer mentions how long someone has been in the ring (happens more often than you’d expect)

  • Both members of a tag team are in the match at the same time

    There's a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

    There’s a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

You Drink 5

  • When your guy is eliminated

  • You selected both members of a tag team

  • If another wrestler avoids elimination at the hands of your wrestler in a cool way (player’s discretion)

  • Your wrestler is eliminated before the next number comes out

  • Another wrestler uses his or her finisher on yours

  • Your wild card fails to eliminated anyone

  • None of your wrestlers reach the final 6

Everyone Drinks 5

Watch out for foreign objects!

Watch out for foreign objects!

  • When 10 or more wrestlers are in the ring at once

  • Someone not in the match interferes

  • A foreign object is used to eliminate a wrestler

You Finish Your Beer

  • If you get a female or someone over 50

  • One of your wrestlers gets eliminated by a female or someone over 50

  • Once all your wrestlers are eliminated

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

One special rule to note, if at any point in the match one of your wrestler’s eliminates three or more guys, then he or she is in NBA Jam mode, which means each wrestler eliminated by said wrestler has to drink double, until the wrestler on fire is eliminated. It may seem a little complicated, but feel free to get rid of and simplify whatever you like. Or simply watch the match and drink at your discretion.

If I’ve convinced you to fill the void of no football this weekend by watching the Rumble this Sunday, then come back tomorrow to check out a rundown of all the storylines and matches, heading into the event. And if I haven’t convinced you, then I’m sorry, no not for wasting your time, I’m sorry that your life will never be completely fulfilled because you’ve made this decision.

This Post Written By Tom Demetrio