Uncategorized

Five Bold (and Most Likely Wrong) 2014 NFL Predictions

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written for our beloved blog, but TD has been holding the fort down with his intellectual and philosophical musings on life and football. I’m not feeling all the sentimental today, so let’s forego a list of excuses about my absence and get on with my soon-to-be proven wrong NFL predictions.

Someone other than the three elite QBs (Rodgers, Brady, Manning) wins league MVP.

You can do it! (Read with a Rob Schneider voice)

You can do it! (Read with a Rob Schneider voice)

Okay, maybe this isn’t that bold. But it always seems like one of these dudes captures the hearts and boners of all the NFL writers in all the land. This year, I’m betting on the field. If Andrew Luck takes another step toward joining that top group and once again leads a lackluster supporting cast to the playoffs, I think he’s got a shot. Does Russell Wilson progress enough and put up big numbers in a largely run-oriented offense? Maybe. However, unlikely. Still like Luck better here. Either way, there are a multitude of options (including Shady McCoy) that could snag the MVP trophy from Peyton’s arthritic grasp. 

The Jacksonville Jaguars go 8-8

I’m drinking the Toby Gerhart juice. I think this team takes after its tough coach Gus Bradley. They’re mean, don’t care how bad they are supposed to be, and might be stupid enough to win a couple lucky ones. The defense is pretty solid, and I like what I saw out of rookie QB (and Ben Rothelisberger clone) Blake Bortles in the preseason. Henne will not – and should not – be starting for long. Plus, the AFC South is up for grabs, and I think all division games are winnable. Only problem is you can’t fit all the Jags fans in that awesome new pool, so Jacksonville will certainly have trouble filling the stands. 

Gus.

Gus.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will retire midseason and buy a houseboat a la Shane Falco from The Replacements

Fitzy – who looks more like a drunk college American literature professor than an NFL quarterback – is one of my favorite signal-callers. That being said, he’s not very good at the whole quarterback thing. He would be much better at the houseboat thing. Maybe Gene Hackman takes over a team mid-season and gives him a call. Fitzy begrudgingly comes back to play and leads a group of ragtag dudes (including the 7UP guy who plays receiver) to the Super Bowl. Book it. 

My football muse.

My football muse.

The Green Bay Packers will NOT make the playoffs

Rodgers has an awful year. Mike McCarthy eats too many donuts. All the receivers suck so much they have to hunt down Antonio Freeman to put the cleats back on and give it one more go. Same with Dorsey Levens. Favre comes out of retirement. Fans start selling their minuscule shares of the public team to foreign investors. The organization implodes. Ah damn it. This is more of a wish than it is a prediction… 

Don't worry, bud. There's a better team south of the Wisconsin border to cheer for anyway.

Don’t worry, bud. There’s a better team south of the Wisconsin border to cheer for anyway.

Godell changes NFL rules to more accurately reflect 7-on-7 rules before year end

By the time the Super Bowl rolls around, helmets and pads will be replaced with backwards hats and flags. As much as I’m for protecting people and looking for constructive ways to keep players healthy later into their lives, defenses aren’t allowed to play tough anymore. This new emphasis on “Illegal Touching” downfield is yet another tick-tack rule designed to let offenses dominate. I’m all for exciting games, but let’s allow defenders to do what they do best: defend people. Come on, Roger!

***

And there you have it. My clearly well-thought out and reasoned predictions for this 2014 NFL season. Are you ready for some football?

Advertisements

Gamedays Are Back

College football kicks off tonight as #9 South Carolina visits #21 Texas A&M. A major clash to kickoff the “barely” advertised SEC Network and a juicy appetizer to wet our taste buds for another thrilling Saturdays of Fall. While most of our football obsessed nation is waiting for Sundays to arrive once again, down in the South Saturday is Football Heaven. It’s all they talk and care about, followed by Friday nights in a distant second. The NFL barely registers on Sundays in SEC country cause that is race day.sec

Professional sports are more entertaining than its collegiate counterpart, simply for have a collection of the world’s best talents competing against one another. However, college football comes the closest to matching its professional counterpart. There is no more exciting sports feeling than walking a college campus on a Saturday. The grills are smoking, every cooler is packed with beer, and hundreds of thousands of fans bristle with excitement in the anticipation of kickoff. The buzz is unparalleled anywhere else in sport.

I witnessed this first hand in college at Notre Dame. The population of South Bend more than doubled on Saturday Gamedays as fans poured in to watch the most losses over any four year stretch in school history. It didn’t matter, people still came to cheer and hope. Sports fans root for their team to feel part of something bigger, a community. Nowhere else in sports is that feeling stronger than in college football. The love of tradition and camaraderie pours over the throngs of tailgating supporters. The feeling only strengthens as fans step into the stadium to root on their team. The band plays the fight song, the crowd sings it word for word, and then the team marches out onto the field into pure mayhem of joy. Win or lose, it is an amazing experience that feels fresh every single time.

The greatest sight on Earth, so much free food and beer to be had.

The greatest sight on Earth, so much free food and beer to be had.

College football’s appeal goes beyond the excitement of tailgating and hearing the band play, the game itself has gotten much closer to the NFL level in the last decade. In the 90s, when I first started watching college football, the triple option was still a popular offense and something that would never be seen on Sundays. Now, college offenses have become so layered and advanced that NFL coaches actually borrow from the college ranks to improve their offense. No NBA team is looking to the college ranks to steal the “let’s pass it around the perimeter for 20 seconds then force up a three” offense. The Utah Jazz is the only team to borrow from college by starting five white guys. 

Five Bold Predictions for the 2014 Season

1. Two SEC teams will make the inaugural College Football Playoffs – Since a special committee is overseeing the selection of the four teams to compete in the first ever playoffs the SEC will be graded on a curve due to its recent success.

2. No Pac 12 team will make the playoffs – The Pac 12 is a slaughterhouse this year, tougher than even the SEC. No team will make it out undefeated and since the conference does not get the respect it deserves the committee will not be grading on a scale leaving the Pac 12 out in the cold. Apologies to the Duck, Bruin, and Tree nations respectively.

3. A QB will not win the Heisman – Todd Gurley will and he is a running back from Georgia. Gurley is a beast and with the departure of three year starter Aaron Murray he will be depended on immensely throughout the season. Total season stat line prediction – 1,836 yards, 15 TDs, 49 catches for 423 yards and 3 TDs. A monstrous season combined with being the lone SEC representation and Quarterback fatigue leads to the Heisman win.

We'll be seeing a lot of that beautiful smile this year.

We’ll be seeing a lot of that beautiful smile this year.

4. Wisconsin is the lone undefeated team when playoff starts– The Badgers toughest game of the year is this Saturday against LSU. Gary Andersen brings some of that Utah State flash to the offense, which combines nicely with the power running game and he out Madhatters the Madhatter Les Miles for the win. After the big victory the Badgers get to feast on this tasty schedule, vs W. Illinois, vs Bowling Green, vs. South Florida, @Northwestern, vs. Illinois, vs. Maryland, @Rutgers, @Purdue, vs. #22 Nebraska, @Iowa, vs. Minnesota. A cake walk of a regular season schedule which will allow them to add more wrinkles into the offense and gain momentum to topple Michigan State in the Big Ten Championship.

Where will the top ranked teams lose? #1 Florida State goes down on Thursday 10/30 at Louisville, as a lackadaisical Seminoles team is overwhelmed by a raucous, drunk Louisville crowd decked out in Halloween costumes. #2 Alabama falls on the road to a hungry LSU team on November 8th. #3 Oregon loses twice, first to Washington at home in a letdown game after defeating UCLA on the road, and then in the regular season finale at Oregon State as it has been too long since the Beavers won the Civil War. #4 Oklahoma loses on the road to the “Bro King” and part time Ryan Gosling impersonator Cliff Kingsbury and the Red Raiders of Texas Tech.

5. Florida State will repeat  as ChampsWait, this isn’t bold, it is as safe as they come.  Is it though? So many people jumped on the FSU bandwagon over the summer that it began to tip and frighten everyone into nitpicking every little thing that could be wrong with this team. Thus leading to a ton of people jumping off the bandwagon and calling the team overrated or saying it will collapse under the pressure of repeating. Not me though, I’ll stick with the pick, FSU back-to-back.

Five Good Bets for the Weekend

1. Rice (+21.5) over Notre Dame – Notre Dame does not cover big spreads, especially in its opening game. It is far too high and moved a half a point in the last two days giving Rice a three touchdown advantage. Notre Dame will win the game, but not by three touchdowns. As an added insider tip, I will be attending the game on Saturday and they’ve lost four of six games that I’ve attended since graduating with the most losses of any class in Notre Dame history.

2. Georgia vs Clemson (O/U 54.5) – Take the over. It is set too low since both teams have new quarterbacks, but there are so many weapons on each side of the ball and a ton of new defensive players for each team as well.

3. Florida State (-18.5) over Oklahoma State parlayed with the under (O/U 63.5) – Florida State’s defense is tremendous and given months to game plan for the high octane Oklahoma State offense will lead to it dominating on Saturday. This will keep the scoring down and Florida State will cruise to a 38-10 type victory.

4. Wisconsin (+5.5) over LSU – The Badgers are going to win the game, getting the 5.5 is just a bonus.

5. Alabama vs West Virginia (O/U 55.5) – Take the under, Nick Saban still hasn’t selected a new quarterback and will rely on his defense to annihilate any hope West Virginia has. It will lead to a victory, but not many points will be scored.

The Tallahassee Police won't reveal this, but we've confirmed that is Jameis' "O" face.

The Tallahassee Police won’t reveal this, but we’ve confirmed that is Jameis’ “O” face.

College Football Playoffs

First Round:

1. Florida State over 4. Georgia

3. Alabama over 2. Wisconsin

Championship

Florida State over Alabama

 

Football Is Back: Picking Your EPL Team

Football is officially back this week. No, I’m not talking about the upcoming RG3 vs Johnny Football pre-season matchup I’m referring to the more aptly named international version of the sport. Most of the major European leagues get under way this weekend including the richest and most prominent one, the English Premier League. Also, for all Americans still inflicted with the World Cup itch, it is the most accessible league since the announcers speak a very similar language to us, English. Plus becoming an EPL fan gives us a valid excuse to show up to a pub as early as 6am and get our Saturday or Sunday started right.

The first thing that any American has to do before showing up at the local English pub for match days is pick their team. Any American not born in England has the right to choose any team he wants instead of being stuck with the local teams of whatever city your mother popped you out. It is a daunting choice, so I’m hear to help give you a rundown of the best options and help find everybody their right match.

West Ham Unitedth

Founded: 1895

Nickname: The Hammers

Location: Upton Park, London (Northwest London)

League Titles: 0

Biggest Rival: Millwall FC

Player to Know:   Mark Noble, Center Defense Midfielder – The Hammers lack a truly special player on its squad, so the fundamentally sound Noble stands out as its best player. He may not be fancy, but he is usually in the right place at the right time and is a great distributor from the back, unfortunately the Hammers don’t have much finishing talent up front to take advantage of Noble’s distribution prowess.

Reason to Cheer: West Ham has pop culture cache thanks to the 2005 Elijah Wood film Green Street Hooligans. It follows the story of a dopey, wimpy American, obviously a perfect role for Wood, who gets caught up in the world of English football hooliganism. It is a terrific flick filled with some badass fight sequences.

Reason to Boo: Is a badass movie reason alone to root for a sports team? I would think not. I’m all for rooting for the underdogs, but the Hammers are so bad they do not even qualify as such. They’re only two seasons removed from the lower league and in danger of relegation every season.

American Team Equivalent: The Durham Bulls. Another team from an incredible movie and they have the same chance to win this year’s World Series as West Ham does the Premier League title.

Evertonth (1)

Founded: 1878

Nickname(s): The Blues/The People’s Club

Location: Liverpool (Home of the Beatles)

League Titles: 9 (Last one in 1986-87)

Biggest Rival: Liverpool in the Merseyside Derby 

Player to Know: There are plenty of good choices. The speedy fullback Leighton Baines or prolific goal scorer Romelu Lukaku. However, I’m going the homer route and GK Tim Howard. Why? Cause he can save anything.

Reason to Cheer: Besides the obvious American interest to root for the incredible Tim Howard on a weekly basis, Everton lives up to its nickname as the People’s Club. They constantly outperform their budgetary limitations to compete against the richest clubs in the world. Last year’s team finished in fifth place, only seven points away from qualifying for the Champions League for the first time. Everton is also part of the best rivalry in the EPL against crosstown rivals Liverpool in what is called the Merseyside Derby, so all fans that love intense rivalries should jump into this one.

Reason to Boo: Not many, but for all those fans that cannot take the heartache of your team constantly getting so close to a major breakthrough only to constantly bang into the limiting glass ceiling that is the top tier of the EPL, then don’t choose Everton cause it is not for the feint of heart.

American Team Equivalent: Everton has become a weird mix of a historically successful team that hasn’t been good since the 80s, say the Dodgers since both have a history of success but not nearly as much as some other teams. While also being like the Tampa Bay Rays, a small budget team competing against the richest teams in the sport and find a lot more success than would be expected.

Liverpool th (2)

Founded: 1892

Nickname: The Reds

Location: Liverpool (duh)

League Titles: 18 (2nd most all-time) Last title 1989-90

Biggest Rival: Everton, see link above on Merseyside Derby

Player to Know: The prolific 24-year old English goal scorer Daniel Sturridge. Last year he had the benefit of playing along side the EPLs top goal scorer and Italian cuisine expert, Luis Suarez, which helped him to 31 goals in 43 appearances. Since Liverpool shipped the cannibal and his 36 goals to Barcelona, the onus is now on Sturridge to carry the goal scoring load on his own if the Reds are to improve on its 2nd place finish last year and finally win the title that has eluded them since 1990.

Reason to Cheer: If you’re a fan of teams with rich winning traditions, but not much success in the last two decades, then this is the team for you. Also, Liverpool is owned by John Henry’s Fenway Sports Group, or better known as the same person that owns the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, to all die hard Bostonians and the Red Sox Nation, Liverpool is the club for you.

Reason to Boo: Plenty. For starters Liverpool fans get the same hate as any fan of a front running organization, only without the benefit of bragging about recent victories. Pub goers are not interested in hearing about the golden days of the 1970s any more, but they also are not going to give you any underdog sympathy like crosstown rivals Everton get due to the absurd money Liverpool spends in the transfer window.

American Team Equivalent: This one is pretty easy, Notre Dame football. Both equally blessed with rich winning traditions and both are experiencing nearly the same championship drought. 26 years for the Irish and 25 for the Reds.

Arsenal 

Do you really want to be associated with any fans from Jacksonville?

Do you really want to be associated with any fans from Jacksonville?

 

Founded: 1886

Nickname: The Gunners

Location: Holloway, London (North-Central London)

League Titles: 13 (Third Most) Last title was in 2003-04

Biggest Rival: Tottenham

Player to Know: Alexis Sanchez, FW. The newest Gunner might not have much team history, but anyone that saw the 25 year old play for Chile in the World Cup knows how electric he can be. Sanchez never quite clicked in Barcelona the last three seasons, but a change of scenery could be exactly what the doctor ordered for this talented Chilean. His blazing speed alone makes him a huge threat to all EPL defenses, but with his deft touch and finishing ability around the net he could be the top goal scorer in the League this year.

john-cena-wwe

If you want this guy to walk out of Summerslam WWE Champ, then Arsenal is the EPL team for you.

Reason to Cheer: Love following trends? How about being a sheep and blindly following the pack without full understanding the reason? Then the Gunners are the team for you. Americans love offense and flair, so it is no surprise why so many have picked Arsenal to follow over the last decade. They’re known for playing a “sexier” version of football. A lot of possession, fancy passing, and emphasis on scoring a lot of pretty goals over easy ones.

Reason to Boo: Being an Arsenal fan is a bit like being a John Cena fan in the WWE or thinking that Nirvana is the best band of the 90s. I see the appeal, but disagree with the practice. This is the typical American “football” fan choice. If you hate the masses, but especially those that blindly follow them without really understanding why, then boo the fuck out of anyone in an Arsenal kit at your local pub.

American Team Equivalent: John Cena, yes I know he is not technically a team, but as the leader of Cenation he is basically a team onto himself.

Chelsea

Apparently Chelsea is not a big believer in Global Warming.

Apparently Chelsea is not a big believer in Global Warming.

 

Founded: 1905

Nickname: The Blues (have you picked up on the unoriginality of most of these nicknames)

Location: West London

League Titles: 4, Last title in 2009-10.

Biggest Rival: Manchester United, really Man U could stand as everyone’s biggest rival

Player to Know: John Terry, Center Back. The 33-year old captain might be past his illustrious prime, but entering his 17th season with the club he is the first name to become acquainted with if you’re to choose Chelsea. He’s a 3-time UEFA Best Defender winner. Has taken home FA Cups, Premier League Titles, and Champion League titles. Basically every title possible on the club level. Terry is also still an important contributor to this team as he is more than capable of still stifling great strikers in this league. If Chelsea are to make up the four point difference that separated them from last year’s Champions Manchester City, then it will need Terry to provide tremendous leadership from the back line.

Reason to Cheer: Chelsea is the London squad to achieve the most success in the past decade, so if you’re looking for a team from the country’s capital that can give fans the best return on investment then look no further than the Blues. This year’s squad is especially loaded with the addition of Diego Costa at Forward and has a great chance to win multiple titles.

Reason to Boo: Chelsea falls into the modern day big four, which has become a big five (more on this later.) A club that has far more money to spend than anyone else, so if you enjoy parity and hate the 1% Cheslea is not the team for you. Another reason to hate the blues is that it is owned by this man, Roman Ambramovich, Russian billionaire that made is money off of oil. Double threat to the United States. Abramovich is like a crazy cross between Jerry Jones, Daniel Snyder, and Vladamir Putin, so if you hate anyone of those guys and fear the product of them, then boo away at Chelsea.

American Team Equivalent: The Boston Red Sox, lovable losers turned into hated front runners.

Tottenham

This boring mascot is an appropriate choice to represent this team.

 

Founded: 1882

Nickname: Spurs

Location: North London

League Titles: 2, Last Title in 1960-61

Biggest Rival: Arsenal in the North London Derby 

Player to Know: Kyle Walker, Right Back. A potential English star in the making is a player to know for two reasons. One, he could have a breakout year this season. Secondly, he could become young American star in the making, Deandre Yedlin’s competition for a starting role if his rumored transfer to Spurs go through. It is possible that both Walker and Yedlin could play together, which would also be great practice for Yedlin for meshing with Fabian Johnson on future US National squads.

Reasons to Cheer: A North London squad with a lot of tradition, but most of it losing. Perfect for anyone that loves big city underdogs. Plus anyone that really takes a hating to Arsenal and wants to root on its biggest rival in the North London Derby. And finally, people from San Antonio that want to only root for one nickname in sports.

Reasons to Boo: Spurs fans can get pretty annoying as they get cocky with every little success the team achieves and are always ready with a laundry list of excuses for all of the failures. This trait can get pretty annoying in fandom and gives a good reason to root against them.

American Team Equivalent: The Kansas City Royals and Portland Trailblazers, two teams with rabid fan bases that get excited far too easily. Both have a small history of winning followed by a long drought without success. Any fans of these teams will love Tottenham.

Manchester CityManchester-City-Celebrations-Trophy-Premier-L_2764683

Founded: 1894

Nickname: The Citizens

Location: Manchester, England (Northwest England)

League Titles: 4, Last title in 2013-14 (won two of the last three league titles)

Biggest Rival: Manchester United in the Manchester Derby

Player to Know: It is nearly impossible to choose just one player from this loaded squad. There are fowards, Sergio Aguero and Edin Dzeko. Team Captain, Vincent Kompany aka the best defender in the EPL. Incredible miniature playmaker and dribbler Spainard David Silva. But the one player that needs to be known is Yaya Toure. The Ivory Coast midfielder is the closest thing to Lebron James the EPL offers as far as two way dominance. At times Toure looks like a school yard bully playing keep  away from the other team. On a team full of must watch players he is the NBC Thursday Nights in the 1980s must see.

Reasons to Cheer: Money $$$!!!!! Piles upon piles of money. Ever since the team was bought by a group of rich Middle East Oil Shieks Man City has gone from Manchester United’s abused little brother to an European super power. All that money has translated to a wealth of talent on the roster combined with what was already the best development squad in England. The Citizens claimed two of the last three Premier League titles and look poised to add many more titles to the Trophy Case over the next decade.

Reasons to Boo: While no Man City fan is complaining about the money the ownership has spent, it has blocked the progression of a lot of young talent from reaching the main roster. Football is a team sport that is more than just simply putting out the 11 best talents, they need to be able to play well together as a team. The Citizens development team has been playing together for years and no doubt that if given the opportunity they could’ve unleashed a beautiful brand of football, but Man City has robbed us of ever seeing such a sight. Plus if you don’t fully trust a shady group of Oil Shieks that seem to have a supply of money as endless as oil in the deserts of Saudi Arabia, then Man City is not the team for you.

American Team Equivalent: This is a tough one as there really isn’t a good comparison to Manchester City. It would be like the New York Mets suddenly being bought by an uber rich Middle East Oil Company and then going on to buy all the best available baseball players no matter the cost and it’s budget rising to $400 million. At the same time they get all the best international prospects and keep them stashed away in the minors till injuries or old age catch up with a player on the expensive Major League roster. Sure at first it would be fun and nice to see the Yankees wipe egg off their face from a crosstown rival, but pretty soon the Mets would become just as hated as the Yanks.

Manchester United keep-calm-and-fuck-man-utd-2

Founded: 1878

Nickname: The Red Devils (aptly named)

Location: Machester

League Titles: 20 (most in England) Last title in 2012-13

Biggest Rival: Manchester City (see link above)

Player to Know: United probably has the most recognizable names for the casual American fans, like Wayne Rooney, Robin Van Persie, and Javier Hernandez, better known by his nickname Chicharito. Chicharito is a Mexican National star, which is what makes him so well known in America. Therefore lets get to know a lesser known player, Marouane Fellani. Unlike our other players to know Fellani is on this list for being a total Dickbag Doucher. Between the Sideshow Bob haircut and his constant bitching Fellani is an easy player to hate, especially for Americans so disgusted by flopping. Fellani puts Dwayne Wade to shame.

Reason to Cheer: This is the team for fans of the Yankees, Steelers, Cowboys, Alabama Football, Lakers, Celtics, or Lebron’s Heat.

Reason to Boo: Everyone who hates all those teams mentioned above this is the EPL team to direct all fan anger towards.

American Team Equivalent: United is like a super strand, a combination of all those teams. It represents pure sports evil, not to mention it is the richest team in all of sports. In the words of Public Enemy, “Fight the power.”

 

 

 

Seven Reasons High School and College Students Need a Summer Job

As I continue to take steps on my increasingly depressing journey to 26 years of age, I’m consistently reminded of the importance of all the part-time jobs I worked in past. Particularly, I’m talking about the ones I worked during the summer months as a high school teenager and early-20s collegiate moron.

While summer is the absolute best time for lounging by the pool, enjoying public parks, hitting local bars, and playing a round of golf, it’s also the most opportune time for kids to work as lifeguards, city handymen, bartenders, and golf course refreshment cart drivers.

I worked as a lifeguard. It was a great, and often crazy, experience.

I worked as a lifeguard. It was a great, and often crazy, experience.

Below, find seven reasons why every kid should work a summer job.

Learn the value of a hard-earned dollar. I learned why my parents weren’t willing to give me globs of cash. Hint: It wasn’t because they didn’t want to. It’s because they worked hard each and every day, and wanted me to learn what it feels like to have to work for what you get. While I will always hope to win the lottery, I will never have any misconceptions about how hard most people work to make a decent living.

Balance social life and real life. Though we’re obsessed with TV characters that are prone to excess, balance is a good thing to have in real life. Working a job in the summer when the weather is absolutely perfect and you want to be somewhere else teaches you that you can’t always be in that perfect somewhere else. Sometimes you’ve got to earn it. Besides, working a crappy summer job makes your time with friends that much more valuable. And guess what? After college, that fun time with all your friends is fewer and further in between. Get used to it.

You need to learn how to network at a young age. That’s not to say that your fellow pool lifeguard will help you land your dream job at 16, but you never know will people will end up. Make sure to get phone numbers and email addresses.

Summer love. It’s a thing, people. Working a shitty summer job is a great way to bond with a love interest. You can talk about how crappy your pay is, how much your boss sucks, and lambast the way-too-old-to-be-working-at-a-beach dude that gets under your skin. A summer romance is also a great way to learn one of the toughest things in life, too. Sometimes, great things have to end. That includes love.

A little summer love in the film Adventureland.

A little summer love in the film Adventureland.

Dealing with assholes. I have worked a job where I took 70+ calls a day at an auto warranty financing company, as a lifeguard who dealt with dickhead parents, and as a city worker with grumpy old coworkers. Learning how to deal with assholes is valuable. You will have to do it the rest of your life. It’s good to learn that simple fact at a fairly early age. It’s important to learn how to keep your cool in professional situations. And don’t forget, you’re only ever a few hours away from beers on the beach with friends.

Perspective and respect. Let’s be honest, a crappy summer job will most likely not be something you want to do with the rest of your life. However, what may seem like a meaningless, fleeting gig to you might be someone’s livelihood. It’s important not to look down on someone for making a living. Remember, you’re only as good as you treat people. Respect people who get up and go to work everyday, even if you hate their job.

Some people make a living do this kind of thing. There's nothing wrong with it.

Some people make a living do this kind of thing. There’s nothing wrong with it.

Learn what you want to do. Sometimes, learning what you do not want to do is the best way to get you focused on what you want out of this short life. Once you experience what it’s like to work a 10-hour day at a shitty job, you’ll understand why some people risk it all to make careers out of their passions.

**

I’ve worked at summer jobs I’ve hated where I’ve met people I loved. I’ve fallen in love at a summer job. I fell out of love at a summer job. I learned how to work copy machines, conference lines, CPR, swimming, filling potholes, and so much more at summer jobs.

My summer jobs taught me humility, patience, and that what I really want to do is write for a living.

So print out your resume, put your sunblock on, and go pitch yourself and services to whoever is in charge of your local pool!

A Few Things About Chicago (and Why It’s the Best)

My buddy Paul has officially moved from Boston to Chicago, leaving Beantown residents weeping hopelessly in the streets. They entire town is upset. I’m talking 2003 Red Sox losing in the playoffs sad.

It’s the end of an era. A damn good era. It was a period of time that included drunkenly riding laundry carts down winding roads and narrowly avoiding death by bus, parties on buses, parties on Thorndike and Glenville, amazingly misunderstood parody music videos, and TITS! No – not those kind of tits. I’m talking about Tavern in the Square for those of you who aren’t familiar with the legendary Brighton Avenue haunt.

Moving on is tough. A clean break from anything is a myth. No matter how things end, it’s never easy. Especially when you’ve got a group of amazing friends in Boston.

That being said, Chicago is awesome. And since Paul is a lifelong Northeasterner, I figured I’d give him a few things to keep in mind/look forward to in this new exciting era of his life. I might live in L.A., but part of my heart is, was, and always will be in the Windy City.

First things first. We don’t have “soda” in Chicago. It’s “pop.” No one will look down at you if say soda. Just giving you a heads up.

The “W” flag you see around Wrigleyville is what they hang up when the Cubs win. You probably won’t see it too much this year. God damn it. I’ll still play “Go Cubs Go” when I come back and visit.

A pretty - but also pretty rare - sight. Sad face.

A pretty – but also pretty rare – sight. Sad face.

The water is actually a really big lake, not an ocean. And it’s way easier to get to a nice beach spot than it is in Boston. Plenty of good-looking 20-somethings hit the shore each weekend. It’s time to perfect your football overthrow nice-to-meet you routine.

Deep dish. Whether you’ve lived in Chicago your whole life, or have relocated, deep-dish pizza is just the fucking best. We know we talk about it too much, and we know it annoys the shit out of people, but you might start to relate as you eat more and more of it. I suggest Pizzeria Due once a week.

So good. I miss it. So much.

So good. I miss it. So much.

People are really nice. This of course is a generalization, but you’ll find that Chicagoans don’t have the hardness that East Coast locals can sometimes have. I wouldn’t expect free drinks every time you go out, but I can promise some good conversation.

Outdoor summer house parties are the shit. Boston doesn’t have as many apartments with expansive front or backyards as Chicago. Please take advantage of this by hosting your own parties. Buy a cheap grill. Soak in the Chicago summer because Chiberia will be back come late November.

312 instead of Sam Summer. I know this is going to be a rough transition. Samuel Adams beer is damn good. But in Chicago, it’s all about Goose Island. You can still have Sam whenever you want, but if you’re looking to buy a pretty lady a nice beer, err on the side of 312.

Obama knows whats up.

Obama knows whats up.

Public transportation letter change. You’re moving from the “T” to the “L.” This will come in handy, as calling the “L” the “T” would confuse people. As crappy as the L can sometimes be, it’ll get you where you need to go. And no one really calls you out if you have a 312 on your ride. That’s a bonus.

Chicago Bears fandom is a religion. Most services are on Sundays, sometimes Monday or Thursday nights, and the city shuts down during them. Our relationship with Jay Cutler is a complicated one, as he’s the best quarterback we’ve ever had this side of Jim McMahon. He’s no Tom Brady, but he’s our guy. He’s like that guy who is kind of a dick in your group of friends, but you still love him for whatever reason. And now he’s got guys like Marshall, Jeffery, and the Black Unicorn to throw to. We’re hoping for big things this year.

Smokin' Jay is our guy. It's a rocky relationship, but it's full of love.

Smokin’ Jay is our guy. It’s a rocky relationship, but it’s full of love.

While we’re on sports, we’re hoping to lure Melo in the next few days. Bulls and Blackhawks fandom is pretty similar to that of da Bears. We will never understand why free agents continue to spurn Chicago. You want to win a ‘ship? Go play for Thibs with Jo, Gibson, and a (hopefully, please sports gods) healthy Rose.

Grant Park is a lot of fun. It hosts Lollapalooza, free concerts, softball games, etc. Make your way there once in a while.

16-inch softball is the only kind of softball. No gloves. Use your hands and a wood bat. It’s just the best.

We've got big balls in Chicago.

We’ve got big balls in Chicago.

**

There’s a lot more I could say about Chicago, but you’ll find out more in time. Don’t forget: You can steal a laundry cart and ride it down the streets of Chi Town, too.

The Fault in Our Stars or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Sobbing Fangirl

I saw The Fault in Our Stars last night. Call me a Romantic, call me a 14-year old girl, whatever. It was good. It was also the hardest I’ve laughed in a movie in a long time.

No, it’s not a comedy. It’s about two teenagers with terminal cancer–played by Shailene Woodley and Ansel Elgort–who fall in love. Real Notebook stuff.

200-6200-7

So why the laughter? Let me explain.

I was coming straight from work so I grabbed Panda Express for dinner, fully expecting to cry into my orange chicken while I watched the movie. I ended up dominating that orange chicken (sans bacon) during the previews so I didn’t have to worry about choking it down while fighting back tears. Also, I was hungry.

tumblr_mvb6blOUfc1qfv43so1_250

With no Chinese cuisine to distract me from the inevitable emotions that these cancerous teens would inspire, I was ready to feel it. Little did I know that any emotions I experienced would pale in comparison to the wailing sobs of the teenage girls in the theater.

200-3

The sniffles started almost immediately. Before anything sad even happened. I get that they read the book (so did I) and they know what happens, but…calm down. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves with the crying.

The constant watery-eyed sniffles were coupled with the “He’s so cute” comment that some girl behind me said literally every time Ansel Elgort was onscreen. It got to the point where I could anticipate when she was going to say it. Anytime he raised his eyebrows, smirked, had a quippy one-liner–anything remotely charming, and…”He’s so cute.”

200-2

I shit you not, she must have said it 20 times.

200-1

This “cuteness” laid the foundation for the theater-shaking sobs that would erupt later in the movie.

Spoiler alert: Augustus Waters (aka Ansel) dies. Whoops.

dsgstd-nrd

Don’t get me wrong. It was sad. I got choked up and teary-eyed, especially during the scene when Hazel (Shailene) delivers Augustus’ eulogy to him at a little pre-funeral he arranged. Beautiful scene and really impressive acting from both of them.

This is where shit went down though. The main culprits were two girls–one seated near the front of the theater and another over to the left. The sniffles became tears became weeping became melodramatic sobs that filled the theater. It was a little…

200

It quickly became a crying competition between the teary tweens. Who could cry the hardest (and loudest) for the charming, ever-so-cute, recently passed Augustus Waters?

We more-restrained folks went along with it for a while. And then it got to a point where the melodrama was just too much. All we could do was laugh at our bawling neighbors. And laugh we did.

The audience split into three contingents: The criers. The laughers. And the inbetweeners whose gasps for air were an ambiguous combination of sobbing and guffawing. It was like laughing in church. Or at a funeral (which was appropriate considering the scene). But it was that kind of side-splitting, irrepressible laughter that is intensified by the situation.

Dumb-Dumber-s-Harry-Lloyd-Laughing-At-A-Burger-Joint

I tried all manner of tongue-biting, collar-chewing methods to suppress the laughter. I slumped in my seat. But the outbursts continued for a good five minutes. And I wasn’t alone in my laughing.

My gut reaction was to criticize the bawling fangirls. I’m sorry. Did you know the guy personally? Furthermore, you read the book. Did you not see this coming? 

Thinking about it afterward though, I realized I’m not mad. I’m grateful. That was the hardest I’ve laughed and the most fun I’ve had in a movie theater in a while. It’s not up to me to say whatever emotions they were experiencing were wrong. Who am I to judge? I’m just a crotchety 20-something who smuggled orange chicken into the theater.

Yankee-Fan-eats-cotton-candy

We need more of that kind of emotion. I was a theater major. We thrive on audience interaction and so much of that is being lost now that Netflix and streaming make it possible for everyone to watch movies huddled alone over their computers. The communal aspect of going to the theater is gradually disappearing, and that’s something we need as a society.

So laugh. Cry. Laugh at the people who are crying. Cry at the people who are laughing? Whatever. Just don’t be afraid to feel the emotions and dive into the story. Let’s go on this roller coaster ride together. It’s more fun that way.

200-4

I-Like-It-A-Lot-Jim-Carrey-In-Dumb-and-Dumber-Gif

“Crush”

In addition to unleashing our Millennial thoughts into the world via this website, the founders of this site are also part of a production company, Rose Land Trio Entertainment. In the past year we’ve completed three short films, shot a fourth, written numerous feature scripts and TV pilots, and are looking to break ground on a web series this year. It is a lot of hard work in addition to our day job. We do not do it for recognition or money, but it is always nice when we get one of the two for our work. While it was not a boatload of money, our short film “Crush” got recognized as one of the 8 best Dramas at the SoCal Creative and Innovative Film Festival last week. Due to restrictions from film festivals we’ve not been able to make the film public till now. Below please find an embedded video of the film. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did making it.

 

Follow Me Into The Jungle

Earlier this week I answered Billy’s questions on Why Americans Should Watch Soccer. But today, on the opening day of the 2014 World Cup, I’m reaching out to Millennials as to why we should watch this specific World Cup using a format we all love, Buzzfeed list.

1. The World Cup of Twitter 

It is a chance to tweet to the world. The World Cup is the most watched event in all the world, over 2 billion people will watch over the next month. This is your chance to make snarky comments and broadcast it to the world. Want to stick it to snobby Frenchman? Well then, start preparing some jokes about how ugly Frank Ribiery is ahead of their first match on Sunday? Oh that was nice of France to let the Hunchback of Notre Dame participate on their team. Good to make him feel included to keep him from hanging himself. 

tumblr_munry5EBKW1s0yzhco1_500

2. Soccer Crowds Are Wild 

Millennials enjoy a good time. We’re young, hopefully healthy, and we want to enjoy every minute of life. These same attributes apply to a soccer crowd. It is the craziest sporting crowds in the world and reason enough to tune into the World Cup.

You’ll get to see people doing this…

dortmund-fans-shirtless1

And since it is in Brazil, hopefully this…

BrazilSoccerCheers

3. Neymar is Simba

All Millennials love the Lion King. Well in this World Cup the host nation has a Prince they want to crown king if he wins them the World Cup. Most of you probably know Neymar as that dude from the Beats commercial talking to his dad, but to Brazilians, he is a demi-God, the hope of a nation. There is a good chance that if Brazil wins the Cup that crowd will run onto the pitch, pull a Rafiki, and present Neymar to the heavens. Nobody wants to miss out on that, right?

Lionking-disneyscreencaps.com-353

4. A Great Excuse to Drink at Noon on a Tuesday

Life is tough. We all miss the simple days of college where class was optional and any day could turn into an epic party. The World Cup provides us with the excuse to live like that again for a little while. Take a long 6-8 pint lunch, play hookey, call in sick, do whatever it is you have to do to get the day off, then go down to your local pub and let loose. Opportunities like this do not come around too often.

emma-stone-alcohol-would-be-nice

 

5. Goals Are Incredible

In this age of instant gratification there is something beautiful about the patience required to score a goal in soccer. It might not happen often, but when it does it feels extra special because of how difficult it was to earn. Every Millennial could practice a little more patience, soccer provides us with that opportunity.

tumblr_lxmjg4uw8p1qdmqoyo1_500

6. Cristiano Ronaldo 

Ronaldo will provide everyone with a great release. Whether through admiring his incredible play and even more incredible abs.

cristiano-ronaldo-armani-ads-04-1

Or by providing someone on to which we can direct all our anger in order to avoid yelling at our loved ones. Either way we need Ronaldo, he provides great therapy.

7. Michael Bradley is Giving Jason Statham Support 

Poor Jason Statham has been carrying the mantle of badass white bald guy for too long. Thankfully Michael Bradley is here to relieve him. Americans might be upset at the exclusion of Landon Donavan from our squad, but that controversy has overshadowed the fact that Bradley is a stud. Tune in and learn to love this Bald White Badass.

Get out the way Ref! Michael Bradley don't give a fuck!

Get out the way Ref! Michael Bradley don’t give a fuck!

Look, millennials have the right to make up their own mind. Don’t watch the World Cup cause I tell you to or ESPN floods you with commercials to force you to in order to justify its purchase. We can make up our own minds and decide if the World’s game is for us or not. I just want you to want to watch the Cup. I’m not sure if there is anything that I can do to convince you, but I have to at least try that is my choice. If you’re stuck at work and without a TV/access to Watch ESPN on your computer or mobile device, the feel free to follow me @Damilllennialman on Twitter as I live tweet today’s opening game. Best of luck to every nation, but Go USA!

Dear Billy, Here’s A Reason To Believe

Thanks for reaching out to me Billy. I’m certainly no soccer expert, nor am I particularly great at understanding the game considering my playing days ended in 6th grade after a failed attempt to make the Trevian Soccer travel squad. I loved the game as a kid because my Dad played it in high school and I wanted to have a shared interest. Unfortunately his genetics did not carry on to the next generation. Or the more likely case that the competition was inferior in the mid-70s and therefore it was easier to make teams. Despite loving the sport as a kid, I let my failures dictate my attitude and I stopped caring about it. There were a few times I thought about attempting a comeback in high school, but fear got in the way and I never bothered to try. I re-discovered my love in college as I happened to be friends with a lot of high school soccer players. I also consider myself a master of cocktail conversation, knowing just enough about a variety of subjects to fake my way through a conversation at a party. I believe this skill allows me to answer your questions and give my two cents on why Americans should care about this global game.

 

1.) Why the hell isn’t Landon Donovan on the USMNT for this World Cup? 

This is a good question and certainly the hot topic of conversation heading into the Cup. Donovan was by far the biggest household name, in fact the only recognizable name in most households, involved with the Men’s National team. Mainly for doing things like this…

It is certainly not ridiculous to hypothesis Klinsmann left Donovan off the team as part of a personal vendetta. As you brought up in your question, he has appeared to be offended by Landon leaving the team to get his head right. It is possible the German was offended and/or found this behavior embarrassing. However, I’m going to give hime the benefit of the doubt and talk about the legitimate reasons to leave him off the team. One, he is 32 years old, which is pretty ancient in soccer years considering the distance a midfielder like Donovan has covered over his career. His tank was running low. Klinsmann has noted America’s obsession with aging stars and choosing loyalty over youth. There is something to be said for that, despite all the great things Derek Jeter has done for the Yankees, his current .254 avg with 1 HR and 12 RBIs is not doing much to help them win games now.

This brings us to our second point, Klinsmann is playing the long game, Donovan might still be one of the best 23 Americans this year, but in 2018 when he is 36 years old there is no chance he even tries to make it to Russia. By leaving him off it leaves room for a player like the 18 year old Julian Green, whom possesses the potential to be a star player for the next two World Cups, to gain some valuable experience.

Thirdly, Donovan would not have made the starting 11. He isn’t quick enough to play 90 minutes in the midfield anymore and Clint Dempsey is a better pure Forward in better current form. This would’ve left Donovan in the role of super sub, something that the US leader in goals scored, 57, and assists, 56, could thrive. But there are plenty of options to play that role and all, again, whom are younger than Donovan. Such as the 23 year old Aron Johannson who has been on a goal scoring tear this spring both for the US team and his club team AZ Alkmaar of the Netherlands.  It is certainly hard to justify leaving someone with Donovan’s goal scoring and creating pedigree off the final roster, especially when this team may need as many goals as they can muster, but by playing the long game Klinsmann is hoping he can turn this team into something more than one that is happy getting out of the Group stage.

2. Can you still call it soccer? 

Absolutely. Do not let futbol or football snobs shame you into not calling it soccer.

 

 

As the map below indicates, while the majority of the world refers to the game with some form of the word foot in it, we are not alone in calling it soccer or some translation close to it. Obviously Canada calls it the same, South Africa and Australia, as well as Islands in South Asia, and most importantly Ireland calls it soccer too since they also have their own sport they refer to as Football. Therefore, next time someone bullies you for calling it soccer, grab a pint of Guiness and tell ’em to fuck off.

soccer1

3. Where can you find a last minute cheap American Jersey? 

I’m afraid I cannot help you there. I did see a store on Wilshire, just north of Sonny McLeans that labeled itself Santa Monica’s Official World Cup store. Perhaps they have something cheap there, but I’m not sure. Unfortunately when you’re dealing with Fifa, nothing comes cheap, except for human life.

4. So fullbacks are important, does that mean we will see Mike Alstott? 

Alstott would fit in nicely with a bruising team like Bosnia, Switzerland, or Greece. But I’m afraid you would not see him for long cause something tells me big old Mikey would be shown a Red Card early.

Yes, fullbacks are extremely important in the modern game. They play on the outside of the back line and move up to the outside on the attacks, typically to flood crosses into the box to set up easy shots, but the best ones in the world have the ability to put it in the back of the net themselves. A good fullback must have a great feel for the game, when to attack and when to sit back. A fullback that constantly moves forward puts his team in a dangerous, vulnerable position for any counter attack. While fullbacks that sit back all game make it harder for their team to score goals. It is a bit like a running back needing to have a good feel for when to stay home and block or go out an act as a receiver. The wrong read could result in his Quarterback lying flat on his back.

The US has two pretty solid fullbacks in Fabian Johnson at right back and Demarcus Beasley at left back. The big thing is that Beasley is left footed and Johnson right. You always want a fullback to be on his strong foot if you can help it. Both Johnson and Beasley have great speed and are competent on the offensive end. Take a look at this beautiful finish from Fabian against Turkey.

Notice how he came from the back of the formation to link up with Michael Bradley, our best passer, then was unafraid to continue his run all the way into the box, which resulted in an absolutely beautiful goal. The concern with Beasley and Johnson is that they can be a little too aggressive at times. They rely heavily on their closing speed to make up for getting to far up field. This is a dangerous strategy against teams like Germany and Portugal that have world class talent moving forward against what is a very vulnerable central defense. Johnson and Beasley’s strong play is essential to US hopes in Brazil.

5.) You’re not alone in your hate of Christiano Ronaldo. 

He is basically Lebron on a global scale. By far the most physically gifted player in the world, but like Lebron causes a lot of resentment. Some feel that he should accomplish even more than he has because of his talent. Like Lebron, many think that he is not clutch or afraid of the big moment. While others hate him because he behaves like a Diva that seems to care more about his looks than anything else. No matter your feelings toward him, like Lebron, he must be awed at for his incredible skills. He is simply unstoppable at times. Luckily, you’ll get your chance to hate him in this World Cup as his Portugal side takes on the US on Sunday June 22, at 3pm PT. Let’s find ourselves a good soccer bar and get ready to hurl a lot of obscenities his way. Also, let’s hope we’re coming into that game with 3 points in hand cause if we don’t beat Ghana on Monday we’re in trouble.

6.) Flopping. 

Flopping is despised in America as the cowards way out. While it is seen as a tactical weapon in soccer. Look, we do not have to like it, but the fact is that the advantages of flopping are too great compared to the risks. It sets your team up with a free kick, giving you a chance at a set piece play towards the net, it could result in at least a Yellow Card for your opponent, two yellows equals a red and a red sends a player off. It is extremely hard to score in soccer, so gaining a man advantage is huge and unlike hockey it lasts for the rest of the game. I completely agree that this needs to be addressed in order to clean up the game a bit and make it more entertaining, But are great American past time, baseball, coined the phrase, “if you ain’t cheating, you ain’t trying.” And is filled with a history of cheaters. Technically flopping isn’t even cheating, but it is following this same mantra, do whatever it takes to win. In some ways that is admirable.

7.) Is that an actual soccer pregame? 

While I can’t confirm if he listens to X Ambassadors & Jamie N Commons “Jungle,” I do know for a fact that Neymar, the Brazilian futbol star of this commercial, does call his father before every match he plays and receives a pep talk. By far one of the coolest things to do before a game and one of many reasons why he has become the golden boy of Brazilian soccer. I believe all of the other traditions are all real. While us Americans have not quite caught the bug, for the other 31 nations each World Cup game is like Easter and Christmas combined with the day that Jesus Christ returns to this Earth. Nothing will get done for those two hours, all eyes will be glued to the TV.

8.) Do the Americans have a chance of advancing out of the group? 

Yes, absolutely. And I do not even have to lie. There are few things the US has going for it, the biggest being the schedule. The Germans are going to run away with our group, easily winning all three games, luckily for us we play them last. There is a chance that they could have the Group wrapped up by then or at the very least just need to tie. Goal differential is the first tiebreaker and if the Germans have things wrapped up they may not play their full starting 11 in order to rest up for the Knockout stages.

Michael Bradley, our nation needs you to bring this intensity for 90 minutes against Portugal.

Michael Bradley, our nation needs you to bring this intensity for 90 minutes against Portugal.

It also helps that we play Ghana first. Ghana has eliminated us from the last two World Cups. This makes both our players and Klinsmann highly motivated to win this game and get the monkey off our back. All of our energy and motivation is focused on Ghana. The other two games are the future. Now, I’m confident that we will finally get over the Ghana hurdle, but that does not get us through the Group, or at least doesn’t put our fate into our own hands. Only a result against Portugal can potentially do that. This is certainly not out of the question. We’ve beaten Portugal before in the World Cup and despite having the best player in the world, they are very suspect on Defense. The issue is, so are we, which could result in us getting wide open who can score the most contest against Ronaldo and that may not end well. The key to offsetting this is Michael Bradley. Our best player, and a world class box-to-box midfielder. If he has the game of his life, help slow down the Portugal attack, while still getting up in the attack to deliver the deft passes that only he is capable of on our team, then we’ve got a good shot. Go ahead, Bill, believe away.

As for whether or not this is the World Cup that finally gets Americans into soccer? I have my doubts. See part of the reason the rest of the world loves the game so much is that it rose to popularity during the time of Nationalization. The sports is younger than many people would think. Fifa and the World Cup are not even 100 years old. But the reason it grew so rapidly was that these nations were finally getting out of colonization. They were becoming independent nations in search of an identity and soccer became the bond that brought them together. This was doubly important in Europe on the heels of the First Great War as those people needed a release from the pain and devastation they just suffered.

America chose the Jazz age, while the World chose soccer. It is not really surprising since our identity as a nation was already well established. And despite being an immigrant nation, the steady flow of people coming to Ellis Island slowed down as soccer took off around the world, so they did not have a connection with the game like they do now. Perhaps the new wave of hispanic immigrants will start to turn the tide, but honestly I’m not sure if Americans will ever get on board with the soccer movement. It will just never be as rooted in something meaningful like it is for the rest of the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eastyn, I’m Listening, Let Me Explain

It looks like in my neglect of writing Justice Demetrio articles Eastyn has stepped up and filled the void by putting me on trial for some recent articles that I wrote. The only good thing about getting ripped a new asshole is that it will make it a lot easier to collect that $100,000 a dayToo soon? 

Although it goes against all logic, I will be serving as my own counsel in this trial. Something that will make my parents very happy. I’d like to start by saying I think that you’ve missed my general thesis on most of these articles, most likely a product of not personally knowing me. However, since you’re not the only reader that does not know me personally I do appreciate the chance to clear things up. I will admit that I tend to overuse generalizations in my articles. Some times I do so to expose stereotypes, but other times I do so for the majority of people that read this article. Generalizations and stereotypes don’t exist because they were made up out of thin air. They come from the truth. It is a fact that there are more black people play and watch basketball over hockey. This doesn’t mean that all black people are fans of basketball, but if you sat down in a new client’s meeting and they are all black, then it is more likely that you’ll start a conversation by bringing up what they thought of Lebron’s stinker last night over Michael Honzus Double OT winner in the thrilling Hawks/Kings game. Generalizations can be useful as long as we’re aware of the downside.

Hopefully I don't hold myself in contempt.

Hopefully I don’t hold myself in contempt.

This brings me to the first article that you mentioned, The Friend Debate. One of my favorite courses in college was Sex and Evolution in which we used Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature. It is one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Seriously, buy a copy. The book explores human evolution and the process of sexual selection, since that is how human evolution evolves. It breaks down the biological and physical differences in male and female mating. Men have a virtually unlimited number of sperm at their disposal. This is a process of evolution as the more a man spreads his seed, the more children he has to carry on his line. There is a reason why history is filled with men with many wives and it is biologically driven. Women on the other hand have a limited number of eggs and it forces them to be very protective of them by being more selective with whom they mate. Just like Elaine Benes and her sponges. 

You need to pass Elaine's strict test in order to get the sponge.

You need to pass Elaine’s strict test in order to get the sponge.

It is not to say that we’re locked into these biological needs, not at all in fact. Humans have the capacity to move beyond that with thought and emotion. There is a reason why sex is so pleasurable, it is meant to be encouraged in order to allow humans to continue evolving. However, that pleasure has also led to people enjoying sex so much that they do it for recreation now, both men and women. I don’t think all men are sex driven maniacs, but as part of our biological evolution we are driven to spread our seed as much as possible. I think it is important to be aware of this because it is impossible to move past it without self awareness. In the history of time, men currently roaming the earth are not that far removed, biologically at least, from the likes of Henry VIII.

I do not seriously think that men deserve a special treat for being able to control this need, it is a basic human decency. Nor do I think it is on par with a dog performing surgery. I just enjoy adding exaggerated analogies into my articles for humor. Perhaps not everyone enjoys or finds the humor in them, but I do and will continue to use them.

I’m not going to lie of all the articles you had a problem with, The Thrill of the Chase hurt the most. I thought of all people you would understand my point and get that I myself do not believe this is the way relationships should go, but just through observation have noticed that too many have gone that way. Again, I’m not trying to say all relationships work this way, but the fact is almost half of marriages still end in divorce. I was examining how this happened and came to the conclusion that relationships have become too goal orientated. And there are too many men who only think about the short term goal of sleeping with a woman, while not putting enough thought into sharing a life with another person. And there are too many women who see marriage, more specifically their weddings, as a goal to achieve just to achieve it. Thinking little of what the rest of their lives will be like. The term Bridezilla did not appear out of nowhere. 

They don't make reality shows about things that aren't real. Right?

They don’t make reality shows about things that aren’t real. Right?

Again, this does not apply to all men or all women. But it does apply to a enough people that I see as the reason for why divorce rates are so high. Why couldn’t you pick out the following quotes, “Well it would be to recognize the fact that both of you have lost a little motivation and realize how silly that is to do with a person you love.” And, “Hopefully some day, we can all come to the self realization of this accomplishment problem and realize that a relationship needs to be treated differently than anything else we set out to accomplishment,” as the point I was making in that article? It saddens me that we could not connect on the same wavelength on that one.

As sad as your issue with the last article made me, I will give you credit on the Open Question to Women: Why Are You So Enchanting? Part of my intent with that series of articles is to be controversial in order to drive views to the site. My larger point in that article is that men are much more delusional about the status of their relationships with women than the other way around. Men easily convince themselves that a woman is super into them when they are totally off base. I regret making the article seem like this is a woman’s issue to fix, it is absolutely not. It is up to men to be more logically and also less angry when things do not work out. I also did not want it to be as objectifying as it appears. It was more a love letter to the fairer sex and the fact that as a whole women are much better looking than men. This is not to hate on men, as you appear to think I do in most of my articles, but more a statement of fact. Would you prefer me not to find women so enchanting? I’m confused there.

Again, you missed the point of my Would You Rather article. It started with a drunken conversation amongst friends and I turned it into an article. The point of leaving out gay men and women was not that I think they all enjoy having a dick crammed up their asses. But rather, to help make my larger point in the article, which was two-fold. A lot of straight men, at least a lot that I’ve known having gone to 16 years of Catholic school, still find anything to do with gay sex to be taboo or disgusting. I was trying to make the point that there are a lot of terrible ways to make a living and a more destructive force to the fabric of our nation is the false narrative that everyone has an equal chance at the American Dream. Having re-read the article I will admit I did a poor job of making that point and will make sure to be a little more clear next time. And I completely agree with your fluidity point, the male G-spot does exist in the ass for a reason.

The last article you brought up and also my most recent one that apparently was the last straw is meant to be humorous and in no way did I insinuate that squirting and orgasms are the same. This again devolved from a drunken conversation this past weekend and is meant to read, like other articles I’ve written, as a stand-up bit. I’m not trying to underestimate men, I just think it is funny to think that all women are supposed to squirt when they have an orgasm, but most don’t because men are so bad at sex. It is a bit, like most are, that plays off and with a stereotype, in this case that men are bad at sex. I’m not promoting this stereotype, just using it to get laughs and try to stir some page hits. I’m sorry that you did not find it amusing.

Perhaps we do need that beer and if you’re buying I’m free any time.