Sports

New Boston University Director of Athletics Should Bring Back Football

Today, my alma mater Boston University named interim director of athletics Drew Marrochello the new head of BU athletics. The University needed a replacement for Michael Lynch, who stepped down after two unfortunate, public incidents – one involving sexual assault charges against two male hockey players, the other being accusations that former women’s head basketball coach Kelly Greenberg mistreated players in an emotionally damaging way.

Drew looks like a nice guy.

Drew looks like a nice guy.

On the surface, this hire seems like a great move. Marrochello came to BU in 2005 as an associate athletic director for internal affairs and was eventually promoted to deputy director of athletics. According to BU Today, Marrochello’s promotion “received strong support from the coaching staff, colleagues in the athletics department, deans, faculty, and University administrators.”

Even better, the new athletic director grew up in Arlington, Massachusetts, and used to go to BU-Boston College hockey games. Between his nine years at Boston U and his growing up in the Boston area, the guy seems like a perfect fit as the new Terriers AD.

In my opinion, however, Marrochello is a safe candidate who will fall short of his goal of getting BU viewed as “the best non-football-playing Division I school in the nation.”

What angers me most about that statement is its subtext. That goal is akin to wanting to become the greatest rock band of all-time from Uzbekistan. No offense to Uzbekistan, but who cares if you’re the best rock band there?

To be less facetious, what I mean is who fucking cares if you’re the best non-football-playing Division I school in the nation? We’re a nation that loves football. And we – the BU nation – are starving for a goddamn football team. The fact that Marrochello even uses the phrase “best non-football-playing Division I school” is an admission that we can only be the best in a tier below the best tier.

Excuse me if I want to be in the premier league of college sports.

I think this logo is a sweet start.

I think this logo is a sweet start.

What pisses me off most about the quotes that BU Today attributed to Marrochello is the frequency with which football is mentioned. The new AD described himself as a “kid who grew up watching the Boston Breakers play on Nickerson Field.” According to BU’s athletic website, the Breakers were part of the United States Football League, and played their home games on BU’s campus during 1983.

One of Marrochello’s fondest memories of Nickerson Field was watching a football game. And why wouldn’t it be? Nickerson is a beautiful stadium, a gem in the heart of Boston. It begs for college football to be played there.

In fact, a lot of really great football has already been played there. The Patriots played three seasons there toward the beginning of the 1960s. And if you haven’t heard of the awesome 1993 BU Football team that beat future NFL Hall of Famer Kurt Warner then you should watch this video (and parts 2 and 3).

If you want to feel better about yourself, watch the video below that some friends and I made. It was supposed to be a parody, but Barstool got hold of it and ripped us to shreds.

**

I spent my BU infancy frolicking around West Campus. I lived on the fourth floor of Sleeper Hall my freshman year. I woke up numerous times way earlier than I wanted to on Saturday mornings to the sound of “I’m Shipping Up To Boston” blaring from Nickerson’s speakers every time our nationally-ranked women’s lacrosse team scored. They were fucking good. I heard that song a lot.

Now imagine this full of fans in scarlet and white.

Now imagine this full of fans in scarlet and white.

While my hungover ass could have used more sleep, I always loved looking out my window to see the excitement unfolding on and around Nickerson. I often daydreamed about nearby Babcock Street and Harry Agganis Way shutting down for a Saturday morning football tailgate. Droves of alums, students, and Bostonians in Scarlet and White, chugging Sam Adams, Natty Light, and busting a move as the BU Band played their rousing, awesome version of The J. Giles Band’s “Centerfold.”

Can’t you just smell burgers and brats on portable grills outside of Camp Co? Can’t you see Rhett playing bags with a group of wide-eyed freshmen excited to be experiencing college football at the best college in the Northeast? I can see wily upperclassmen explaining BU’s offensive game plan to sophomores who think they know it all. It’s not hard for me to picture professors, students, and BU brass filing into Nickerson hoping to somehow, someway take down Boston College in week one of the NCAA football season. That’s assuming the Eagles would have the gumption to take us on in a non-conference week one barnburner.

**

Look, I’m not naïve. I understand that bringing football back to BU is not easy, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be cheap. I’m also grateful of the efforts a number of students have made to make club football a big deal.

But I’m frustrated with the current administration and athletic department’s close-mindedness. Why can’t we be one of the nation’s best academic AND athletic institutions? Why has the current administration not considered bringing football back? Or, if they have, why hasn’t that discussion been public?

Boston is one of – if not the – best cities to go to college in. Sure, we might not be able to recruit top football talent in the same way that we struggle recruiting top basketball talent, but it’s worth a shot. Can’t we, at the very least, talk about the pros and cons of bringing football back to Boston University?

I mean goddamn it, our campus has a statue of famed BU athlete Harry Agganis throwing a football yards from Nickerson! Talk about a slap in the face.

The nerve of BU to put a statue of someone playing football on our campus.

The nerve of BU to put a statue of someone playing football on our campus.

Let’s stop pretending football isn’t part of Boston University’s past and discuss it becoming part of our future.

I’m looking at you, Marrochello.

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Mega NFL Kickoff

The NFL is finally back! Celebrate good times people. Each week on the Millennial Man we’ll be giving our thoughts on the season, both fantasy and reality. Including games to bet on, fantasy studs and duds, game winners, and funniest moments of the week.

Let’s kick things off with a little free advice, never do two fantasy football drafts in the same night. It is too much, a fantasy overload. I learned this the hard way last night as my attempt to defend two titles against college buddies and west coast league got off to a rocky start. Both are keeper leagues, but one is an auction draft and the other is a snake. My preparation for the two slacked off in the last week or so and it showed come draft time.

The auction draft was first and I committed the ultimate auction sin of being timid. Agressiveness pays in auction drafts, especially in keeper leagues when so many top players are off the board. I like to save my money for the end to scoop up all the sleepers I’m high on, but I had so much money left that I ended up overbidding on them and thus damaging their keeper value.

After the exhausting auction draft, which includes video chatting with everyone throughout the draft, it was a short turnaround to gear up for my west coast league. Since I kept my first and second round picks and traded my third round pick I did not draft in the first three rounds. For the first time in my career I decided to make a Big Board pre-draft, Mel Kiper style, which backfired on me in a big way. First off, I was tired and loopy from the beers I consumed in my first draft and couldn’t keep up with the players that were selected, so when it came time to my pick the guy next up on my board turned out to not be available. This lead to a lot of panicked, last second picks and in the end a very shitty draft. It is a long season and the draft is just one part of the championship equation, but projecting out the season it appears that my college buddies’ league will get far more of my attention. Just look at the two rosters.

College League                                                                  West Coast League                                                    

QB: Russel Wilson                                                                   QB: Jay Cutler

RB1: Shady McCoy                                                                   RB1: Matt Forte

RB2: Zac Stacy                                                                          RB2: Stevan Ridley

WR1: Alshon Jeffery                                                                WR1: Calvin Johnson

WR2: Larry Fitzgerald                                                             WR2: Anquan Boldin

TE: Jordan Cameron                                                                TE: Julius Thomas

W/T: Coradelle Patterson                                                       W/T: Justin Hunter

Flex: Rashard Jennings                                                           Flex: Kenbrell Thompkins

D: Browns                                                                                    D: Browns

K: Who gives a fuck                                                                    K: Who Gives A Fuck 2, Electric Boogaloo

BE: Justin Hunter, Brandin Cooks,                                        BE: Russel Wilson, Lamar Miller,

Ryan Tannehill, Kyle Rudolph                                                  Andre Williams, Christine Michael,

Tavon Austin

Sleeper Fantasy Studs

  • Justin Hunter/Coradelle Patterson – One, if not both, are this year’s Alshon Jeffery breakout receiver. They are both physically dominant freaks that can both run past and jump over defenders. They both also received the gifts of new offensive schemes from proven, successful offensive minds. Ken Whisehunt is a good coach whose undoing in Arizona came down to the inability of the front office to find a quarterback. The Titans is my pick to win the AFC South this year. I like what they have on offense. Everyone seemed down on them sticking with Jake Locker, but before he got hurt he was having a hell of a season. Whisehunt’s ground game expertise combined with Kendall Wright on the other side should provide a lot of big play opportunities for Hunter. As for Patterson, he gets the best deep route schemer in the NFL in an offense that will face a lot of loaded boxes. Yes, having either Matt Cassel or a rookie throw him the ball is a bit concerning, but Turner knows how to use speedy receivers like him in his offense.
  • Russell Wilson – The ultimate game manager, not anymore. This is the year Wilson takes the leap and becomes a playmaker in this offense. Marshawn Lynch is getting older and despite losing Golden Tate, the Seahawks receiving core is the most underrated in the NFL. There is a slight stipulation of getting a mostly healthy year out of Percy Harvin, but either way except Wilson to carry more of the load this year. 3,842 yards, 65.4%, 33 TDs, 12 INT, 7 rushing TDs 
  • Tom Brady – Father time may be undefeated, but he’ll have to wait on defeating Touchdown Tommy for at least another year. Manning vs Brady, the best individual rivalry in football over the last decade plus. Brady is stewing after seeing what Manning did last year and will be determined to match him. While 55 TDs are out of the question, he will have a big year regardless if Gronk stays healthy or not. All his young receivers will be improved this season and the depth at that position as well as running back will give him a lot of fresh options. 4,767 yards,  64.6%, 38 TDs, 10 INTs
  • Carlos Hyde – Every season a rookie running back breaks out into a top 10 fantasy back. Figuring out whom that back will be is a tricky task, but I’ve got my finger on Hyde. He’s on a team that knows how to run the ball, played college ball with a mobile quarterback, and has a veteran back in front of him. Hyde may carry on a new tradition of 49er running backs.

NFL Division Predictions

AFC North 

1. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7) – The Steelers finished strong last year and if it wasn’t for a Kansas City missed field goal that allowed the Chargers to make the playoffs they would’ve been a scary wild card team. The days of the Steel Curtain D are long gone, but the offense is going to be a juggernaut that will be enough to carry them in a weak division in the weaker conference.

2. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) – The Bengals received a lot of criticism for the contract extension they gave Andy Dalton. Count me as a Red Rifle supporter still. In our ADD generation we expect instant results, but forget that it takes failure to find success. MJ had to get through the Pistons before rattling off six straight titles. Plus, just look at the eerily similar numbers for Dalton and Peyton Manning thru three seasons. 

3. Baltimore Ravens (8-8) – Big Dick Joe comeback season falls just short. The Ravens have a lot of distractions, but the one positive from this is that it is distracting people from the lack of talent.

4. Cleveland Browns (4-12) – Better luck next year Johnny Clipboard.

AFC East

1. New England (11-5) – Death, taxes, and the Patriots winning the AFC East.

2. Miami Dolphins (8-8) – The new high octane offense will take a little getting used to, but it could yield some very positive results. I fluctuated between 10-6 and 6-10, so just decided to split the difference. But Ryan Tannehill will have a breakout season and pass RG3 in his QB class.

3. New York Jets (7-9) – Rex Ryan has entered the Lovie Smith Zone. His players love him so much that they try hard every game and it is impossible for them to bottom out, even though management probably desperately wants to.

4. Buffalo Bills (3-13) – Poor Buffalo. This season has disaster written all over it and even worse Jameis Winston will most likely stay another season at Florida State in order to play baseball.

AFC South 

1. Tennessee Titans (10-6) – As mentioned above, I love this Titans team. A sneaky offensive juggernaut and an upper half defense this shitty division is theirs for the taking.

2. Indianapolis Colts (9-7) – The team should change its name to Andrew Luck cause he is the team. It feels like the front office from the 2004-2010 Cleveland Caviliers has infiltrated the Colts and left the playbook for making life as hard as possible on a dominant star athlete.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars (6-10) – A year away, but this team is on the rise and whenever they finally give the reigns to Blake Bortles it will be a threat to win this division.

4. Houston Texans (5-11) – I just don’t buy in to Bill O’Brien. He’s going to ruin this team and what could be a dominant defense.

AFC West 

1. San Diego Chargers (11-5) – I am very high on the Chargers. Phillip Rivers is an elite quarterback when healthy and given time in the pocket. Mike McCoy has helped out with both by using shorter routes and getting the ball out of Rivers hands quickly. The return of Malcolm Floyd bolsters a receiving core that already includes Keenan Allen, Vincent Brown, Antonio Gates, and Ladarius Green.

2. Denver Broncos (11-5) – A difficult schedule combined with some regression from the best offensive season in NFL history will knock the Broncos down at least two wins this season and losing a tie-breaker with the Chargers will put them in Wild Card weekend.

3. Kansas City (6-10) – The fact that everyone and their mother is picking the Chiefs to regress in a big way almost scares me into thinking they’ll stay where they are, but a much harder schedule and thinner talent pool means that it is destined to drop.

4. Oakland Radiers (4-10) – The Raiders were my pick for the worst record in the league until it announced Derek Carr as its Week 1 starter. A bag of balls or even Jake Delhomme would be upgrades over Matt Schaub, but Carr has flashed some real potential. However, playing the NFC West means it will be a struggle regardless.

NFC East

1. Philadelphia Eagles (11-5) – The streak is over, a team finally repeats as NFC East Champs. I believe in Chip Kelly, he just seems destined to become the new Belichick and be the smartest guy in any room.

2. New York Giants (8-8) – Tom Coughlin will not let this team bottom out.

3. Washington Redskins (6-10) – The RG3 vs Kirk Cousins debate will heat up this year and after a disastrous start to the season Cousins will eventually win this starting job, going 5-3 and giving fans some false hope for next season.

4. Dallas Cowboys (4-12) – This feels like the season. The season when the wheels finally fall off the Dallas Cowboys and 8-8 suddenly looks good to them.

NFC South 

1. New Orleans Saints (12-4) – The offense is re-loaded with some young, speedy receivers that Sean Payton will be sure to put to good use. Rob Ryan’s aggressive defense will do enough to let the offense outscore opponents.

2. Atlanta Falcons (7-9) – A healthy Julio Jones is good for two or three wins on his own, but after watching Hard Knocks it is impossible for me to pick this team to return to playoff glory.

3. Carolina Panthers (6-10) – Riverboat Ron suffers a setback as karma for reverting to his true conservative self in the playoff game agains the Niners last year. Tisk, tisk Riverboat Ron.

4. Tampa Bay Bucs (5-11) – A trendy pick by many experts that makes zero sense to me. Josh McCown was a product of Marc Trestman’s QB friendly system last year and will not be nearly as effective this season. Lovie’s defense is out of date. This team will struggle.

NFC West 

1. Seattle Seahawks (13-3) – It seems like every expert has said the same thing, “I want to pick the Seahawks, but team’s struggle to repeat.” What a dumb excuse to bet against this juggernaut on the verge of a dominant dynasty. They lost so few key pieces and have watched the teams in its division disintegrate due to injury or suspensions.

2. San Francisco (9-7) – For awhile I felt that this team was due for a disastrous season that saw it miss the playoffs for the first time in the Jim Harbaugh era, but then I thought some more and realized there is no way Harbaugh would let that happen. They will be 3-6 and he’ll rally the troops and rattle off 6 wins in the final 7 games to make the playoffs.

3. St. Louis Rams (8-8) – The team I wanted to replace the Niners with as it will have a much better defense this year. But the offense is a huge question mark. Can Zac Stacy repeat his rookie year? Do any of these speedy receivers have the discipline to run good routes? Can Shaun Hill lead this – wait what the fuck? Shaun Hill is still in the league? And he is starting for the Rams? My God this team is doomed.

4. Arizona Cardinals (7-9) – Carson Palmer staying healthy for an entire season seems impossible from here. Andre Ellington is explosive, but can he handle 20+ touches every game? This team has a lot of question marks as well and not as good of a defense as the Rams.

NFC North 

1. Green Bay Packers (11-5) – As much as it pains me to pick them, I have to go with my brain over my gut. Aaron Rodgers has been an elite QB without ever having much of a running game. This year he has one and there is no telling how good that will make him.

2. Chicago Bears (9-7) – My mind has done more loops than a roller coaster trying to predict how the Bears season will go. It has ranged from winning the division, earning a bye, and losing a hard fought NFC Championship in Seattle to falling apart, going 4-12, and having to start from scratch. Ultimately, as I tend to do, my pick falls in the middle. It was 8-8 for awhile as I’m worried we’re the new Dallas Cowboys, but I believe in Trestman and Cutler to find a way to get one more win and make the playoffs.

3. Detroit Lions (7-9) – The Lions have made some nice moves to bolster the offense, but have ignored a defense that will be on the same level as the Bears. Detroit and Chicago have eerily similar teams, but I trust Stafford and Jim Caldwell much less.

4. Minnesota Vikings (6-10) – A feisty team that will lose a lot of close games in a tough conference. The Vikings are on the rise, but they need to hope it happens quickly before Father Time finally catches up to Adrian Peterson.

Playoffs

AFC Byes: 1. Patriots 2. Chargers

Wild Card Weekend: 

3. Titans over 6. Bengals – The angry mob against Andy Dalton continues to grow as he loses his fourth straight playoff game.

5. Broncos over 4. Steelers – A classic matchup comes down to the wire and Peyton adds to his brilliant resume as he makes the plays that Big Ben can’t down the stretch.

Divisional Round: 

2. Chargers over 3. Tennessee – Jake Locker magic finally runs out as Phillip Rivers grows determined to add a Lombardi to his trophy case.

1. Patriots over 5. Broncos – Touchdown Tommy gets his revenge and proves his superiority over Manning once again. A devastated Peyton is left to stew and consider retirement.

Championship Weekend: 

2. Chargers over Patriots – In a stunning upset, the clean trash talking QB shocks Belichick and Touchdown Tommy on their home field to reach his first Super Bowl.

NFC Byes: 1. Seahawks 2. Saints

Wild Card Weekend

3. Eagles over 6. Niners – Chip Kelly gets some revenge for Oregon as he defeats Harbaugh in the best Wild Card Weekend game ever.

5. Bears over 4. Packers – Cutler finally gets one over on Rodgers. It doesn’t make up for the 2011 Conference Championship game, but it still feels good none the less.

Divisional Round

1. Seahawks over 5. Bears – Anyone that watched the pre-season game between these two knows the gap is too far to close by the time January rolls around. Bears make it competitive for a 2.5 quarters before the Seahawks pull away.

3. Eagles over 2. Saints – Kelly avenges last season’s playoff loss in what will be far from the last matchup between these two offensive masterminds.

Conference Championship

1. Seahawks over 3. Eagles – The Seahawks are too damn good at home for anyone to have a chance.

Super Bowl:

Seahawks over Chargers – Again, the prevailing logic behind no picking the Seahawks is that teams don’t repeat, which is true of most teams, but it has only been 10 years since the Patriots repeated and no team since has come close to matching Belichick and Brady, till now. The Seahawks are the next great dynasty and will seal it by repeating.

 

 

Pick Five Against the Spread

Each week Billy and I will be picking five games against the spread and keeping track of our records. The winner seizes control of Millennial Man, while the loser is forced to wear a baby bonnet till football season returns. Here’s my picks this week, winners in bold.

Seahawks (-6) over Green Bay – The Seahawks at home at night are money. They blow people out and are determined to get the title defense off to a rousing start.

Jets (-5.5) over Raiders – Two betting corollaries in this one. Rex Ryan against a rookie QB making his first start and a west coast team traveling across the country for a 10am PT kickoff.

Bears (-7) over Bills – The Bills are a disaster and the Bears dominate on home openers. The last time they lost was in 2008 and they covered the spread in all of those wins.

Vikings (+3.5) over Rams – Mike Zimmer will want to make a statement in this game. It will be a hard fought, defensive battle and that half a point makes a huge difference.

Dolphins (+5) over Patriots – The Dolphins play the Pats tough at home and with the Gronk’s status still up in the air I’ll take the Dolphins and the points.

 

 

 

 

The Weekend From Hell

When the rapture comes, I hope it takes Ann Arbor, Michigan first. In fact, I hope it only takes Ann Arbor in a fury of fire and brimstone. The screams of the assholes that live there will echo throughout the world as they get sucked into eternal damnation, while everyone else sits comfortably at home sipping hot coco or something of the nature. Sound a bit harsh? Not to me, it sounds like they got off easy. 4d144f3ab216dd5e9f2c0eb621800c12

In my four years attending the University of Notre Dame I only took one road trip to an away football game. In the fall of 2009, my Junior year, to see our then 2oth ranked Fighting Irish take on the unranked Wolverines of the University of Michigan. For the first time in three years there was a sliver of optimism surrounding the football team as the highly regarded Jimmy Clausen had a ton of weapons surrounding him and “Strategic Genius” Charlie Weis was ready to guide the high powered offense to glory.

When my buddies mentioned the idea of driving up to attend the game I was immediately on board. Michigan has always been my least favorite college football team. Growing up in the heart of Big Ten country I had a lot of unpleasant run-ins with Michigan fans. Since both my parents also attended Notre Dame, I’ve been a fan since before I was born. As soon as they heard that they immediately judged me in a negative light. “You damn Domer. Is Jesus going to come down and play quarterback this year. You suck”

There were a few harsher words thrown in that I would not understand for a few more years, but the main one was always ‘Domer.’ This word always pissed me off because I hate Domers. They’re arrogant douches who spend their free time refreshing the Irish Eyes blog to get updates on this week’s defensive schemes. They think Knute Rockne is a deity sent to Earth to invent football. Worst of all they think that everyone else is beneath Our Mother’s University and that the only reason it is been 25 years since the Irish won a National Championship is that they cheat, which Notre Dame is so above. I am not a Domer, I am a fan, supporter, and alumnus of Notre Dame and much like a famous Chris Rock stand-up bit I see a clear distinction between the two.

Apparently they love their food.

Apparently they love their food.

But did Michigan people ever bother to find this out about me? No, because their arrogance dwarfs even the large egos of Domers. Always talking about being a Michigan Man. “There is no greater compliment than being called a Michigan Man.” What the hell does that even mean? Being a Michigan Man? Why is this some big accomplishment? Does Michigan have some special citizenship test that is really hard to pass? Are males from Michigan State also Michigan Men? Technically, yes, they are men from Michigan. And what about Michigan Women? Do you not have those? Or are they an off brand, inferior group that is not worth mentioning. Please, enlighten me.

As we hit the road Friday afternoon, I was bristling with excitement. I couldn’t wait to kick their ass. It was going to be so fun to make a stadium with over 100,000 Michigan fans go absolutely silent. We arrived in Ann Arbor around 3:30 and went right to my buddy’s cousin’s frat house, where we were spending the weekend. Perhaps I should’ve been more worried about staying at a Michigan frat house, but never having been to a college road game I was not aware of any potential danger. “What’s the worst that could happen? A little good natured ribbing. A ‘fuck you,’ ‘fuck you too,’ perhaps?”

As we walked into the house I overheard one of the frat bros say, “We’ve got some Notre Dame pussies again. They can’t drink for shit.” Now, I fully admit that my actions that followed were completely immature and dangerous, but to 20-year old college Junior me this was like calling Marty McFly chicken. It could not go unanswered. I became determined to show them just what a powerhouse drinker I was. 40s at 4? Better add another four at the beginning, Daddy’s thirsty. Want to shotgun a beer? Why just one? A beer bong too? No problem. Time to chill and scarf down some pizza, you know what goes great with that? Bourbon, neat, straight from the bottle. Alright, lets play some drinking games, beer pong. You know what this bourbon taste so good I’m going to have some more on the side.

By the time we arrived at another fraternity for a party I had consumed a weekends worth of alcohol in four hours. I couldn’t tell you what happened at that party because while my body was there my mind completely checked out. Black Out City. The next thing I remember was waking up on the couch in the frat house we were staying at covered in my own vomit. My vision was hazy, but I remember people standing over me, quite literally getting the last laugh.MjAxMy01NTU4NWQ2Yzk5MTEyNDQ4

I soon passed back out and did not awake again till the morning with a splitting headache. As I slowly came back to life I began to realize that my back felt really sticky and then noticed the remains of the vomit on my shorts. I went into the bathroom to discover so much sharpie marks on me that for a second I thought I became black in some weird body switching curse. But it was just a series of dicks, ‘fuckfaces,’ ‘faggots,’ and ‘pussies’ drawn all over my body. My buddies woke up and found me staring in the bathroom mirror. They had a good laugh, as they should’ve. I asked if there was vomit on my back because it felt so sticky. They told me there was not, but one of them had seen a guy spraying Pam on my back last night. Pam? What the fuck? Who does that?

I took a shower and got as much of the sharpie off as I could, at least in the areas that would be visible, arms, legs, and face. The shower felt amazing, but when I collected my clothes and pulled out my wallet I discovered that all the cash I had brought was missing, which was over $150 since I still had to pay for my ticket to the game. Panicked, I asked if anyone had seen my money. When the answer was a resounding, “no,” the realization flowed over me that someone had stolen it. The severity of my hangover all rushed back to me. It was brutal.

All I wanted to do was lie in bed. Fuck the game. I felt like shit and just got robbed, the last thing I want to do is stand in the heat of an opponent’s stadium for 3 and half hours. My buddies all worked me over to convince me to change my mind and go to the game. “We came all this way.” “It’s such a big game.” “I’ll loan you money for the ticket.” After 15 minutes of this badgering, I gave in and agreed to start tailgating with them. We all stepped out, clad in our Notre Dame jerseys of varying numbers, something that should’ve been thought through a bit more, perhaps.

The front yard of the frat house was packed with people and I made my way to the keg to get my first beer of the day. As soon as I arrived, a girl in a Michigan jersey stepped in front of me, said “fuck you Notre Dame,” and proceeded to spray me right in the face and chest with champagne. I guess that answers my question as to why they never mention being a “Michigan Woman.” What a lovely start to the morning.

We stayed for another hour before starting to make our way towards the stadium. The path to the “Big House” goes right down Michigan’s Frat Row. It is an excellent walk for any evolutionary scientist to take as the combination of alcohol, testosterone, and douchiness makes one wonder if these people forgot to get the memo on evolving. For the next two hours we received a verbal onslaught of all the things written on my body. “Fuck you ND faggots” was a particularly popular phrase.

The verbal assault was getting off easy compared to the Notre Dame fan we saw get physically assaulted when he was cold cocked by a Michigan fan. I’ll never forget the image of blood flowing on the sidewalk. This daunting hell march was only made possible by telling myself, “We’re going to kick their ass. I can’t wait to see the look on their faces when we kick their ass.”

Game time finally arrived and I looked forward to finally receiving my solace, but after a terrible start by the Irish, Michigan jumped out to a 14-3 lead in the first quarter. No! This can’t be happening. What happened to karma? All that I’ve been through, we can’t loses this game. Notre Dame settled down and slowly inched back into the game eventually gaining a 20-17 lead in the third quarter. Alright, we’ve got control back, now let’s finish these bastards off.

A brutal Clausen fumble on a handoff exchange prevented this from happening and Michigan ripped off two touchdown drives in a row. Including Quarterback Tate Forcier busting out a 41 yard touchdown run right through the middle of our defense, untouched. Suddenly Michigan was up 31-20 with less than 10 minutes to go in the game. Again, Notre Dame remained calm and fought back into the game. A 24-yard Jimmy Clausen touchdown throw to Golden Tate was followed by a Forcier interception that gave the Irish the ball back in Michigan territory, down 31-26. Notre Dame wasted little time converting the mistake into a seven yard Armando Allen touchdown run, followed by a statute of liberty play for the two-point conversion, giving Notre Dame a 34-31 lead with five minutes to play.

If you let a white game named Tate beat you, then you don't deserve to win.

If you let a white game named Tate beat you, then you don’t deserve to win.

After forcing Michigan to punt on its pursuing drive, Notre Dame failed to convert a first down and punted the ball back to the Wolverines around midfield with 1:45 left in the game. My seats were in the nosebleeds behind the end zone that Michigan was driving towards for the winning score. Like a deer in headlights, I saw them coming, but there was nothing that I could do to stop them. Forcier scrambled around at the 30 yard line before finding a wide open receiver down at the five with :26 seconds left. After a Michigan receiver dropped the ball in the end zone on the next play, a sliver of hope for overtime crept back into my mind. But it was all erased on the very next play as our cornerback, Darren Walls, did what he did best, get burned, and Michigan scored the winning touchdown with :11 seconds left.

The walk back down Frat Row would’ve been worse than the walk there had I not been too demoralized to care. It also helped that I delivered one of the best and quickest responses to an insult in my life. When a Michigan frat bro danced around me in joy and asked “Do you need a tissue Notre Dame?” I responded, “No thanks, your mother swallows.” Unfortunately he was too drunk and euphoric to even register what I had said as he simply just kept dancing down the street in joy.

This Saturday I’ll be attending another Notre Dame vs Michigan football game, but this time in the safety and comfort of familiar South Bend. It is the last scheduled game between these two rivals for the foreseeable future as conference expansion has made it too hard to keep them on the schedule. Long gaps between games is nothing new in this rivalry as there have been several hiatuses, including lengthy ones from 1909-1942 and 1943-1978. Most fans are disappointed the rivalry is taking a break, but I for one am relieved.FuckMICHIGAN

Michigan is the only team in sports that I genuinely hate. There are plenty of teams that I “sports hate,”the Packers, all of Detroit, Minnesota Twins, Miami Heat, and recently LA Kings, but that is an irrational hate that is built on the fanaticism of sports. Michigan is all pure venom. It is exhausting hating one team so much and frankly it is also disturbing. I do not want to waste my time with hate, life’s too short. This Saturday I will unleash all the hatred, venom, and disgust I have for the University of Michigan, then leave it all behind me, win, lose, or draw. The rivalry will be over and I can move on with my life. Perhaps someday it will be reignited as it has so many times in the past, but I hope it never comes back. I want to move on, get past all this anger and forget about it for the rest of my life. I want to be an old man, spending time with my grandkids and barely be able to remember any details of the Michigan-Notre Dame rivalry other than, “Man, we sure did kick their ass in that final game.” Go Irish!

The Ultimate Fall Fantasy

Football is America’s most popular sport for two reasons, gambling and fantasy sports. Each are billion dollar industries on their own and have devout followers. Gambling is an American past time and football is the sport best set up for gambling. There is a week between games to do research, the lines are easier to set, and there is an incredible amount of prop bets on which to throw money away.fooootball-gambling

Fantasy sports is America’s newest obsession. It combines the illusion of being a GM with the thrill of gambling, an equation that explains its huge impact on the culture. Football is the most exciting fantasy sport. Again, the week between games creates great anticipation and plenty of time to research whom to pick up on the waiver wire, as well as whom to sit or start that week. Plus all the games, with two exceptions, are played on Sundays, a day most people have off, which means everyone in the league is watching. This makes it easy to talk shit to one’s opponent as Antonio Brown catches his second touchdown over 50 yards leading to a 40 point fantasy week and total domination.

I’ve played fantasy football since 2006, a year in which I rode the Colts offense to fantasy glory with Peyton Manning, Marvin Harrison, and Reggie Wayne all staring on “ManBearPig’s” road to fantasy glory. I chased that glorious first season and failed to come even close to matching it for the next five years, including the embarrassing 2009 season where I finished 9th out of 10 and I failed to have a receiver or tight end catch a touchdown. Then came the heartbreaking 2012 season where in two leagues I finished 2nd and 3rd respectively. The second place finish involved losing by 0.5 in the championship game thanks to a Miles Austin 19-yard touchdown catch with less than a minute to go. While the third place loss saw me turn around a 4-5 team to win my last five games, scoring the most points in the league each week, on the backs of Tony Romo to Dez Bryant only to lose in the semi-finals on the only week of the final seven that I did not score the most points in the league.

This is illustrates what I did to my opponents last year.

This is illustrates what I did to my opponents last year.

The devastating finish to the 2012 season served as the fire to mold the Iron Throne I built in the greatest Fantasy season of my life. Two Fantasy Football Championships in one season, easily on my Mt. Rushmore of life accomplishments. Better than winning the two championships was the way in which I did it, total domination. My teams were untouchable juggernauts that destroyed and embarrassed other teams like Brock Lesnar did to John Cena at Summerslam. Each Sunday felt like Christmas as I woke up with a smile on my face ready to conquer another pathetic fantasy opponent.

I finished the regular season with the most points in each league, a triumphant feat that was begging to end in disappointment. The playoffs were a nerve racking time as the sting from last season’s bitter defeats was still fresh. However, outside of a narrow seven point win in the semifinals of my Yahoo league, the domination from the regular season carried over to the playoffs.

The only downside to the glory of last Fall is that it will be impossible to ever top. It is hard to get motivated for another season of Fantasy Football after reaching the pantheon of the sport. The memories of last year will stay with me forever, but the determination that made me so great may never return. It is too hard to manufacture.

However, I have no choice, but to keep playing, keep chasing he impossible. As another season is upon us, it is up to me to dig deep and re-discover that fire. It may never lead to the euphoric place of the Fall of 2013, but there is a pleasure in trying. Here are a few fantasy tips to help reach that magical place.

  • Embrace Luck – As Woody Allen wrote in Match Point, “People are afraid to face how big a part is dependent on luck.” Nowhere does this phrase fit better than Fantasy Football. A person can research for months, watch the combine, scout rookie’s college tape, tinker with a formula, but in the end the biggest factor in success is luck. Luck in avoiding major injury, luck in the schedule, luck in finding this year’s breakout player, etc. The lie between wins and losses is drawn almost completely by luck, just think about that while listening to the 100th different Season Preview Podcast.
Thanks, Linds!

Thanks, Linds!

  • Know the League’s Scoring Settings – This is an overlooked aspect in preparation. Most leagues follow generic scoring guidelines, but a few have its own scoring quirks. Is it PPR, point per reception, league or a half a point per reception? Then receivers become more valuable and pass catching running backs as well.
    • What are the defensive stats? How much are sacks worth? Defense is often ignored till the later rounds, but in some leagues they are more valuable than others. Sacks might be worth two points in some leagues or defensive bonuses, like shutouts or holding a team under 300 yards of offense may be worth a lot of points. In these instances, the top few defenses become immensely important as they may be able to drop 30+ points on any given week.

      This is a running back that knows how to catch.

      This is a running back that knows how to catch.

  • Rate Pass Catching Running Backs Higher – This is an obvious rule in PPR leagues, but it should be standard regardless. The NFL is becoming a passing league, which is eliminating the workhorse back that carries the ball over 20 times a game. Only Adrian Peterson truly fits this mold. Instead coach’s prefer to throw the ball to their backs to get them easy touches out in space. A good route running, pass catching back will be on the field more often and be more likely to get over 20 touches a game, then a power back that just runs the ball.
  • Quality over Quantity – Targets is a fantasy football buzzword. Each week during the season waiver wire articles will try to convince readers to pick up a receiver, tight end, or running back based on the number of targets, passes thrown to them, from the previous week. Most of these players will be top skill players on shitty offenses where they are the only skillful option. It is great that Andre Johnson will be thrown at 14 times a game, but when those throws are coming from Ryan Fitzpatrick, only seven of them will be catchable and only two of them will be over 10 yards. It is much better to own the third option on a top offense with a great quarterback like the Broncos, Saints, or Patriots. Six or seven targets from Peyton Manning or Drew Brees is better than 14 from Ryan Fitzpatrick or Brian Hoyer.
  • Stockpile A Position in Auction Drafts – An auction draft is where a person nominates a player for auction than every team bids on him till the highest bid wins. This means that every player is available to every team. A secret to use in these drafts is to load your bench with one position. It doesn’t matter which one, preferably whichever is cheapest, but I prefer to focus on wide receiver because I feel most confident in my evaluation of them. The reason to do this is to have trade bait. Every year injuries occur and someone will be desperate to fill a thin position. When this happens you need to have the assets to make a trade for a top player at a different position. The reason this is important is the next rule…
  • Always Make a Trade – A common mistake is fallen in love with a roster. It is easy to do since everyone wants to be the draft day wizard that came away with the perfect team. The problem is that rarely happens and a trade is necessary to strengthen the team. Last year I made one big trade in each league that helped me secure the championship. One was trading high on Wes Welker and Julius Thomas, as well as pass catching RB Pierre Thomas for Demarco Murray, Vernon Davis, and Zac Stacy.
    • The reason I did this was one to protect myself against a bad week from the Bronocs, as it turned out this never happened, but also because I was already loaded at receiver and tight end with Antonio Gates, Alshon Jeffery, Dez Bryant, and Antonio Brown, but only had Lesean McCoy at running back. This trade strengthen my weakness, running back, while not taking away from my strength thanks to my depth at the position. Plus it was a nice bonus that Vernon Davis ended up with more points than Julius Thomas. 
    • In my other league, Russell Wilson was my quarterback and while not being terrible, his numbers were not consistent and he was not used much in the offense. I felt the need to get a top quarterback to round out my team and sacrificed a third round pick this year and Wilson for Drew Brees and a seventh rounder. Although I gave up a lot of potential in the future, the move turned out working as Bress helped me squeak by the semifinals when Wilson would not have, which lead to me taking home the trophy.
  • Talk A Lot of Shit – Shit talking is the most important aspect of Fantasy Football. If you’re not doing it, then you’re missing out in a big way.

Follow these rules, or don’t, either way have a fun Fantasy Football season.

 

Football Is Back: Picking Your EPL Team

Football is officially back this week. No, I’m not talking about the upcoming RG3 vs Johnny Football pre-season matchup I’m referring to the more aptly named international version of the sport. Most of the major European leagues get under way this weekend including the richest and most prominent one, the English Premier League. Also, for all Americans still inflicted with the World Cup itch, it is the most accessible league since the announcers speak a very similar language to us, English. Plus becoming an EPL fan gives us a valid excuse to show up to a pub as early as 6am and get our Saturday or Sunday started right.

The first thing that any American has to do before showing up at the local English pub for match days is pick their team. Any American not born in England has the right to choose any team he wants instead of being stuck with the local teams of whatever city your mother popped you out. It is a daunting choice, so I’m hear to help give you a rundown of the best options and help find everybody their right match.

West Ham Unitedth

Founded: 1895

Nickname: The Hammers

Location: Upton Park, London (Northwest London)

League Titles: 0

Biggest Rival: Millwall FC

Player to Know:   Mark Noble, Center Defense Midfielder – The Hammers lack a truly special player on its squad, so the fundamentally sound Noble stands out as its best player. He may not be fancy, but he is usually in the right place at the right time and is a great distributor from the back, unfortunately the Hammers don’t have much finishing talent up front to take advantage of Noble’s distribution prowess.

Reason to Cheer: West Ham has pop culture cache thanks to the 2005 Elijah Wood film Green Street Hooligans. It follows the story of a dopey, wimpy American, obviously a perfect role for Wood, who gets caught up in the world of English football hooliganism. It is a terrific flick filled with some badass fight sequences.

Reason to Boo: Is a badass movie reason alone to root for a sports team? I would think not. I’m all for rooting for the underdogs, but the Hammers are so bad they do not even qualify as such. They’re only two seasons removed from the lower league and in danger of relegation every season.

American Team Equivalent: The Durham Bulls. Another team from an incredible movie and they have the same chance to win this year’s World Series as West Ham does the Premier League title.

Evertonth (1)

Founded: 1878

Nickname(s): The Blues/The People’s Club

Location: Liverpool (Home of the Beatles)

League Titles: 9 (Last one in 1986-87)

Biggest Rival: Liverpool in the Merseyside Derby 

Player to Know: There are plenty of good choices. The speedy fullback Leighton Baines or prolific goal scorer Romelu Lukaku. However, I’m going the homer route and GK Tim Howard. Why? Cause he can save anything.

Reason to Cheer: Besides the obvious American interest to root for the incredible Tim Howard on a weekly basis, Everton lives up to its nickname as the People’s Club. They constantly outperform their budgetary limitations to compete against the richest clubs in the world. Last year’s team finished in fifth place, only seven points away from qualifying for the Champions League for the first time. Everton is also part of the best rivalry in the EPL against crosstown rivals Liverpool in what is called the Merseyside Derby, so all fans that love intense rivalries should jump into this one.

Reason to Boo: Not many, but for all those fans that cannot take the heartache of your team constantly getting so close to a major breakthrough only to constantly bang into the limiting glass ceiling that is the top tier of the EPL, then don’t choose Everton cause it is not for the feint of heart.

American Team Equivalent: Everton has become a weird mix of a historically successful team that hasn’t been good since the 80s, say the Dodgers since both have a history of success but not nearly as much as some other teams. While also being like the Tampa Bay Rays, a small budget team competing against the richest teams in the sport and find a lot more success than would be expected.

Liverpool th (2)

Founded: 1892

Nickname: The Reds

Location: Liverpool (duh)

League Titles: 18 (2nd most all-time) Last title 1989-90

Biggest Rival: Everton, see link above on Merseyside Derby

Player to Know: The prolific 24-year old English goal scorer Daniel Sturridge. Last year he had the benefit of playing along side the EPLs top goal scorer and Italian cuisine expert, Luis Suarez, which helped him to 31 goals in 43 appearances. Since Liverpool shipped the cannibal and his 36 goals to Barcelona, the onus is now on Sturridge to carry the goal scoring load on his own if the Reds are to improve on its 2nd place finish last year and finally win the title that has eluded them since 1990.

Reason to Cheer: If you’re a fan of teams with rich winning traditions, but not much success in the last two decades, then this is the team for you. Also, Liverpool is owned by John Henry’s Fenway Sports Group, or better known as the same person that owns the Boston Red Sox. Therefore, to all die hard Bostonians and the Red Sox Nation, Liverpool is the club for you.

Reason to Boo: Plenty. For starters Liverpool fans get the same hate as any fan of a front running organization, only without the benefit of bragging about recent victories. Pub goers are not interested in hearing about the golden days of the 1970s any more, but they also are not going to give you any underdog sympathy like crosstown rivals Everton get due to the absurd money Liverpool spends in the transfer window.

American Team Equivalent: This one is pretty easy, Notre Dame football. Both equally blessed with rich winning traditions and both are experiencing nearly the same championship drought. 26 years for the Irish and 25 for the Reds.

Arsenal 

Do you really want to be associated with any fans from Jacksonville?

Do you really want to be associated with any fans from Jacksonville?

 

Founded: 1886

Nickname: The Gunners

Location: Holloway, London (North-Central London)

League Titles: 13 (Third Most) Last title was in 2003-04

Biggest Rival: Tottenham

Player to Know: Alexis Sanchez, FW. The newest Gunner might not have much team history, but anyone that saw the 25 year old play for Chile in the World Cup knows how electric he can be. Sanchez never quite clicked in Barcelona the last three seasons, but a change of scenery could be exactly what the doctor ordered for this talented Chilean. His blazing speed alone makes him a huge threat to all EPL defenses, but with his deft touch and finishing ability around the net he could be the top goal scorer in the League this year.

john-cena-wwe

If you want this guy to walk out of Summerslam WWE Champ, then Arsenal is the EPL team for you.

Reason to Cheer: Love following trends? How about being a sheep and blindly following the pack without full understanding the reason? Then the Gunners are the team for you. Americans love offense and flair, so it is no surprise why so many have picked Arsenal to follow over the last decade. They’re known for playing a “sexier” version of football. A lot of possession, fancy passing, and emphasis on scoring a lot of pretty goals over easy ones.

Reason to Boo: Being an Arsenal fan is a bit like being a John Cena fan in the WWE or thinking that Nirvana is the best band of the 90s. I see the appeal, but disagree with the practice. This is the typical American “football” fan choice. If you hate the masses, but especially those that blindly follow them without really understanding why, then boo the fuck out of anyone in an Arsenal kit at your local pub.

American Team Equivalent: John Cena, yes I know he is not technically a team, but as the leader of Cenation he is basically a team onto himself.

Chelsea

Apparently Chelsea is not a big believer in Global Warming.

Apparently Chelsea is not a big believer in Global Warming.

 

Founded: 1905

Nickname: The Blues (have you picked up on the unoriginality of most of these nicknames)

Location: West London

League Titles: 4, Last title in 2009-10.

Biggest Rival: Manchester United, really Man U could stand as everyone’s biggest rival

Player to Know: John Terry, Center Back. The 33-year old captain might be past his illustrious prime, but entering his 17th season with the club he is the first name to become acquainted with if you’re to choose Chelsea. He’s a 3-time UEFA Best Defender winner. Has taken home FA Cups, Premier League Titles, and Champion League titles. Basically every title possible on the club level. Terry is also still an important contributor to this team as he is more than capable of still stifling great strikers in this league. If Chelsea are to make up the four point difference that separated them from last year’s Champions Manchester City, then it will need Terry to provide tremendous leadership from the back line.

Reason to Cheer: Chelsea is the London squad to achieve the most success in the past decade, so if you’re looking for a team from the country’s capital that can give fans the best return on investment then look no further than the Blues. This year’s squad is especially loaded with the addition of Diego Costa at Forward and has a great chance to win multiple titles.

Reason to Boo: Chelsea falls into the modern day big four, which has become a big five (more on this later.) A club that has far more money to spend than anyone else, so if you enjoy parity and hate the 1% Cheslea is not the team for you. Another reason to hate the blues is that it is owned by this man, Roman Ambramovich, Russian billionaire that made is money off of oil. Double threat to the United States. Abramovich is like a crazy cross between Jerry Jones, Daniel Snyder, and Vladamir Putin, so if you hate anyone of those guys and fear the product of them, then boo away at Chelsea.

American Team Equivalent: The Boston Red Sox, lovable losers turned into hated front runners.

Tottenham

This boring mascot is an appropriate choice to represent this team.

 

Founded: 1882

Nickname: Spurs

Location: North London

League Titles: 2, Last Title in 1960-61

Biggest Rival: Arsenal in the North London Derby 

Player to Know: Kyle Walker, Right Back. A potential English star in the making is a player to know for two reasons. One, he could have a breakout year this season. Secondly, he could become young American star in the making, Deandre Yedlin’s competition for a starting role if his rumored transfer to Spurs go through. It is possible that both Walker and Yedlin could play together, which would also be great practice for Yedlin for meshing with Fabian Johnson on future US National squads.

Reasons to Cheer: A North London squad with a lot of tradition, but most of it losing. Perfect for anyone that loves big city underdogs. Plus anyone that really takes a hating to Arsenal and wants to root on its biggest rival in the North London Derby. And finally, people from San Antonio that want to only root for one nickname in sports.

Reasons to Boo: Spurs fans can get pretty annoying as they get cocky with every little success the team achieves and are always ready with a laundry list of excuses for all of the failures. This trait can get pretty annoying in fandom and gives a good reason to root against them.

American Team Equivalent: The Kansas City Royals and Portland Trailblazers, two teams with rabid fan bases that get excited far too easily. Both have a small history of winning followed by a long drought without success. Any fans of these teams will love Tottenham.

Manchester CityManchester-City-Celebrations-Trophy-Premier-L_2764683

Founded: 1894

Nickname: The Citizens

Location: Manchester, England (Northwest England)

League Titles: 4, Last title in 2013-14 (won two of the last three league titles)

Biggest Rival: Manchester United in the Manchester Derby

Player to Know: It is nearly impossible to choose just one player from this loaded squad. There are fowards, Sergio Aguero and Edin Dzeko. Team Captain, Vincent Kompany aka the best defender in the EPL. Incredible miniature playmaker and dribbler Spainard David Silva. But the one player that needs to be known is Yaya Toure. The Ivory Coast midfielder is the closest thing to Lebron James the EPL offers as far as two way dominance. At times Toure looks like a school yard bully playing keep  away from the other team. On a team full of must watch players he is the NBC Thursday Nights in the 1980s must see.

Reasons to Cheer: Money $$$!!!!! Piles upon piles of money. Ever since the team was bought by a group of rich Middle East Oil Shieks Man City has gone from Manchester United’s abused little brother to an European super power. All that money has translated to a wealth of talent on the roster combined with what was already the best development squad in England. The Citizens claimed two of the last three Premier League titles and look poised to add many more titles to the Trophy Case over the next decade.

Reasons to Boo: While no Man City fan is complaining about the money the ownership has spent, it has blocked the progression of a lot of young talent from reaching the main roster. Football is a team sport that is more than just simply putting out the 11 best talents, they need to be able to play well together as a team. The Citizens development team has been playing together for years and no doubt that if given the opportunity they could’ve unleashed a beautiful brand of football, but Man City has robbed us of ever seeing such a sight. Plus if you don’t fully trust a shady group of Oil Shieks that seem to have a supply of money as endless as oil in the deserts of Saudi Arabia, then Man City is not the team for you.

American Team Equivalent: This is a tough one as there really isn’t a good comparison to Manchester City. It would be like the New York Mets suddenly being bought by an uber rich Middle East Oil Company and then going on to buy all the best available baseball players no matter the cost and it’s budget rising to $400 million. At the same time they get all the best international prospects and keep them stashed away in the minors till injuries or old age catch up with a player on the expensive Major League roster. Sure at first it would be fun and nice to see the Yankees wipe egg off their face from a crosstown rival, but pretty soon the Mets would become just as hated as the Yanks.

Manchester United keep-calm-and-fuck-man-utd-2

Founded: 1878

Nickname: The Red Devils (aptly named)

Location: Machester

League Titles: 20 (most in England) Last title in 2012-13

Biggest Rival: Manchester City (see link above)

Player to Know: United probably has the most recognizable names for the casual American fans, like Wayne Rooney, Robin Van Persie, and Javier Hernandez, better known by his nickname Chicharito. Chicharito is a Mexican National star, which is what makes him so well known in America. Therefore lets get to know a lesser known player, Marouane Fellani. Unlike our other players to know Fellani is on this list for being a total Dickbag Doucher. Between the Sideshow Bob haircut and his constant bitching Fellani is an easy player to hate, especially for Americans so disgusted by flopping. Fellani puts Dwayne Wade to shame.

Reason to Cheer: This is the team for fans of the Yankees, Steelers, Cowboys, Alabama Football, Lakers, Celtics, or Lebron’s Heat.

Reason to Boo: Everyone who hates all those teams mentioned above this is the EPL team to direct all fan anger towards.

American Team Equivalent: United is like a super strand, a combination of all those teams. It represents pure sports evil, not to mention it is the richest team in all of sports. In the words of Public Enemy, “Fight the power.”

 

 

 

Passing of the Torch: Golf’s New Generation

It is time to end the summer hibernations and return to the Millennial man. It has been a long couple months away, but I’m refreshed and full of vigor. The first topic back was actually suggested to me via Facebook by my old High School Golf teammate Daniel Murphy and it deals with a changing of the guard in the game we used to play together. Golf will always be a game to me, not a sport. Sport requires a lot of physical exertion while a game challenges one’s mental fortitude a specific skill set. Golf is more similar to the game of chess than a sport like basketball or football. 

This past Sunday, in almost complete darkness, Rory McIlroy completed his second victory at the PGA Championship, his second major championship in a row and fourth overall. The victory puts him in rare company, joining Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods as the only two golfers to win four major championships by the age of 25. The connection to Tiger is even stronger as McIlroy’s latest triumph happened on the same course and same tournament as Sir Eldrick Woods’ closed out his 25th year with his fifth major, 14 years ago and he also had won the British Open in the previous major tournament. Eery!

Rory's triumph has him in rarified territory.

Rory’s triumph has him in rarified territory.

Tiger was in the middle of the greatest three year stretch any golfer has ever seen. He won 7 out of 12 major championships, giving him 8 total by the age of 27, which was well ahead of the pace needed to break Nicklaus’ record of 18 major championships. Over the next 6 seasons, Tiger would tally on 6 more major championships giving him 14 after his last Major victory at the 2008 US Open. At age 33 and needing only five more majors to break the record, it was difficult to find a person willing to bet against Tiger breaking Nicklaus’ record, let alone never winning another Major tournament. Yet here we are 6 years later and the draught continues. It is interesting that in that draught McIlroy, who was only 19 years old when Tiger last won, has been the only player to emerge as a dominant force in Eldrick’s absence. His four major victories is twice as many as any other golfer has over 26 majors Tiger has gone without winning.

As the wait for Tiger’s next triumph continues the question on fan’s minds has shifted from, “when will Tiger be back?” To, “Is Rory McIlroy the next Tiger Woods?” The second question is far more interesting and at this point the answer is more unclear than the former question, whose answer seems to have become a defiant – “Never!” Let me be clear, the answer is only interesting on the course, not off of it. Rory will never match Tiger has far as public interest, no golfer ever will, unless a Mexican immigrant with familial ties to the Royal Family treks across the border and rattles off 12 majors in a row, while breaking 60 every single round.

Tiger had the marketing power of being fresh. A young half black/half-Asian face in a sea of old white faces. Golf never had much mainstream attention in the sports world till Tiger came around. No one ever would’ve predicted that EA Sports would have a Golf franchise to rival its Madden series. Tiger changed the face of the sport forever, the only problem was that he was the sport. All of the new fans and media attention was solely based on one person, Tiger Woods. If he wasn’t around, then people weren’t interested in watching. In his absence from dominance over the past six years the PGA has taken a big financial hit with dwindling ratings and attendance at events. Promoting a new star like Rory helps a bit, as fans always enjoy watching greatness, and this year’s PGA hit its highest ratings since Tiger lost to Y.E. Yang on the back nine of the 2009 PGA Championship. The last major before his fateful car crash that Thanksgiving that would forever alter his career. 0001463315211_500X500

As great as Rory’s accomplishments are on the course, he just doesn’t have the freshness, historical relevance,  or mainstream appeal as Tiger. However, he does have a killer competitive edge to him that fans love to see and his age makes him very adept at the new wave social media, which helps him connect with younger fans in a way most golfers cannot. A quick comparison of his twitter  page to Tiger’s makes that abundantly clear. As long as he keeps up this recent run of dominance he will serve as a great pseudo-Tiger replacement. What are his chances of doing so? Very high indeed.

Yes, Rory is one Major win behind Tiger’s pace at this point in his career. Especially when you consider that Rory only has one Major, next year’s Master’s, before he turns 26 and Tiger had 6 major victories at that point. But if you consider the lead he blew at the 2010 Masters, at which time he was only 20 years old or two years younger than when Tiger had his breakthrough triumph. Plus there is the Caroline Wozniacki theory to consider. The two started dating in July 2011, one month after his first Major victory at the 2011 US Open. During the time of their relationship McIlroy won only 1 out of 11 Major tournaments. This stretch included McIlroy’s tumultuous 2013 season where he failed to win a PGA tournament and his only notable win came in the Australian Open. Now consider that since McIlroy called off the engagement in May of this year, he has gone on to win 2 out of 3 possible Majors. Coincidence? Absolutely not.

Wozniaki's loss could be Golf fans' gain.

Wozniaki’s loss could be Golf fans’ gain.

I’m not trying to place any blame on Wozniacki, it just seems pretty obvious that McIlroy’s career is better off without her. Plus looking ahead to the 2015 Major schedule, McIlroy has the Masters, on a course that is perfectly set up for him and it is only a matter of time till he prevail’s there. Then the US Open at Chambers Bay up in Washington State, which if placed next to a course in Northern Ireland it would be hard to tell apart. Next up is the British Open at the Old Course in St. Andrews, a bomber’s paradise that McIlroy should be able to torch like Woods twice before him and John Daly back in 1996. And finally, next year’s PGA Championship at Whistling Straits in Kohler, Wisconsin. A course that can only be tamed by long hitters as the length and high winds off Lake Michigan make it nearly impossible for shorter hitters to succeed. It would be shocking if McIlroy didn’t pull out at least two majors next year, if Vegas sets the over/under at 1.5 take the over immediately before the line moves. Two Majors in 2015 would put Rory at 6 by age 26, putting him on pace with Tiger moving forward.

Beyond Rory’s pursuit of Tiger’s Major pace and by proxy his pursuit of Jack’s record of 18 Major championships, another factor good help him replace the ratings and media attention Tiger garnered, a significant rival. Fans love rivalries, Bird vs Magic helped launch the NBA to new heights in the 80s and the PGA may have a similar rivalry brewing in Rickie vs Rory. Rickie Fowler finished in 3rd place, two shots behind Rory, on Sunday giving him a four top five finishes in the Major tournaments this year, nearly as impressive as Rory’s two wins this year. Fowler is only five months older than McIlroy and seems set to compete with him for the next decade plus. But he cannot be considered a true rival until he wins at least two majors of his own. If Rickie can parlay his consistent success at Majors this year into a couple of victories next year and let’s say three over the next two years, then Rory would have something that Tiger never did, a true rival.

Rickie has his eyes set on trying to catch Rory.

Rickie has his eyes set on trying to catch Rory.

Add in the fact that both Rickie and Rory are pleasing to the eye and have the power to draw in a younger audience that is not typical for golf and the PGA may have its answer to the Tiger problem. As much fun as it is to see a great performer dominate his competition, it is more fun to watch two guys battle for the right to be called “The Man.” Neither Rory or Rickie are capable of taking the Tiger mantle on their own, but together they might just be able to fill enough of it to sustain Golf’s place in the mainstream sport’s conscious. No matter what, this year’s PGA Championship set the table for golf’s future that should carry over to this Fall’s Ryder Cup showdown and make it interesting heading into the 2015 golf season.

Doug McDermott (aka Dougie McBuckets) is the Newest Chicago Bull. Let’s Party.

Excuse me for a second while I get excited about Chicago sports. I can’t blame you for closing this tab immediately if you could not care less.

This might sound crazy, but I want Lebron to go back to the Miami Heat. Or, at the very least, stay in the NBA’s Eastern Conference. Why, you ask? Because I think this is the year my Chicago Bulls overthrow King James. And we won’t need to poison him King Joffrey-style either. We’ll do it the old-fashioned way. Battle.

One of the biggest reasons I feel this way? We just picked Creighton’s Doug McDermott – aka Dougie McBuckets, aka 2014’s Naismith Award winner, aka Little Larry Bird, aka the Un-Adam Morrison, aka the Iowa Sniper, aka White Man Can Kinda Jump, aka My Best Friend Doug.

Welcome to Chicago, Doug.

Welcome to Chicago, Doug.

Alright, I know McDermott might not be enough for the Bulls to reach the top of the NBA mountain, but I think this guy’s some game. Chicago’s basketball team sorely needs points and Dougie was NCAA’s leading scorer last year.

If Coach Thibodeau can teach Dougie how to play NBA-quality defense, we might have a complete player on our hands. If McDermott starts out hot in his first few games, Chi Town will fall in love with the kid from Ames, Iowa. Also, I’ve got this weird feeling that Joakim Noah is going to start calling Dougie “White Chocolate” because of his amazing HORSE skills.

Seriously, check out this video:

Or maybe Jo will just call Dougie “Peanuts.”

Perhaps the best, and most overlooked, aspect of this move by the Bulls is that we get to hear Stacey King (the beloved Bulls’ TV analyst) scream at the top of his lungs when McDermott sinks threes.

I can already hear Stacey now. “Dougie for the three from Ames, Iowa…. Oooooohhh, McBuckets, baby!”

Swish. That’s the sound I’m most excited to hear from a shooter off the bench. I’m pumped about this Bulls team returning to action more focused, healthier, and capable of sinking more baskets.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with Carmelo Anthony. I’d like to think he’s not an asshole like Chris Bosh, Dwayne Wade, and Lebron, but I don’t know that. I don’t know whether Derrick Rose will return to all-star form, but I’m not as negative as other Bulls fans. I don’t know what is going to happen with Nikola Mirotić, either.

But I know that I’m excited right now. And in the midst of a very long, frustrating baseball season for Chicagoans on both the North and South sides, sports excitement is a good thing.

Right Dougie?!

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Damn. Doug was so excited he made a million baskets at once.

Lost in the 90s

The 90s is the best decade in history. It brought us the Rugrats, Boy Meets World, “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” Will Smith, “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” Will Smith, “save the planet” Will Smith, boy bands, ska music, East Coast vs West Coast Rap battles, Biggie, Tupac, blow jobs in the Oval Office, Stone Cold Steve Austin, the NWO, and of course Michael Jordan and the one and only Chicago Bulls.

It was a fascinating decade where youthful revolt turned to apathy. Where we focused on enjoying life rather than trying to fix all its problems. Many great aspects of the 90s live on and the ripples can still be felt, but there are also many people, places, and events that never made it out of the 90s or at least never achieved the same success outside of that great decade. I want to take a look at those things that have been lost in the annals of history in our newest segment, “Lost in the 90s.”

Man am I super jealous of that kid for being in the presence of greatness.

Man am I super jealous of that kid for being in the presence of greatness.

First up, Tom Emanski. The brilliant baseball mind whose teachings helped produce baseball’s back-to-back-to-back AAU National Champions. Anyone from the 90s that watched ESPN remembers Emanki’s commercials for his VHS instructional videos on how to play the game of baseball the “right way.” Funny that right and white rhyme in this instance. Don’t you think? 

The greatest gift for an overbearing, delusional father whom wants to push his son as hard as humanly possible in order to live vicariously through him on his way to the Big Leagues in order to ignore the fact that he got cut from his JV High School team. These videos were a gold mine for Emanksi whom made millions off the sales. Kids of the 90s had to  suffer through these dry, boring videos to “learn the game” when all they wanted to do was go out and play something that was actually fun with their friends.

Emanski was a baseball lifer, despite growing up in the furthest thing from a baseball hot bed, New Jersey. This man had an undying love for fundamentals that carried over to all aspects of life. His wife never has to worry about having a good time on her birthday and anniversary. Emanski starting working as a MLB scout in the 70s before taking his incredible skills of observation to the instructional field in the 80s. However, it was a lesson in Orlando with a young 18 year old, aspiring ballplayer named Fred McGriff that took his career to new heights. fred_mcgriff

Larel and Hardy, Batman and Robin, Lewis and Martin, Regis and Kathy Lee, Jordan and Pippen, Sheen and “any pornstar willing to fuck for cocaine,” and Emanski and McGriff. These are the names in the Pantheon of great duos to ever grace God’s green earth. In 1991, when Emanski was preparing to launch his instructional video series, now known simply as “The Nine Commandments,” he knew he needed something or someone to make a splash. Enter Fred “the Crime Dog” McGriff, at the time the starting first baseman for the Chicago Cubs. Emanski called in a favor to the man he helped turn into an eventual Hall of Famer and of course McGriff said yes. He picked up the Crime Dog straight from Wrigley, after one of the team’s surprisingly low 83 losses, and they drove to a local high school field to make history. Naming the greatest commercial of all-time is a subjective manner, but anyone that has ever seen Emanski’s commercials would have a hard time saying any other is better.

After the success of the videos, Emanski was living the high life. The private jets, the limo rides, the parties, the women, it all came fast and easy for this 90s superstar. It unfortunately did not leave any time for Emanski to manage a baseball team himself, which would no doubt lead to him becoming the most successful of all-time. Then the 90s came to an end and his star inexplicably lost some shine. Everyone once in awhile someone references his name in passing, but never with the reverence it deserves. But really, I’m not sure if that is even possible. He may no longer get the recognition that he deserves, but for any child or father of the 90s, Tom Emanski will forever be the greatest baseball mind the world has ever known.

Friday I’m in Love: #USMNT

Too often on this blog, I write about something that’s gotten under my skin. I’m starting to fear that I sound more like cynic than I do an optimist.

Enough is enough. On Fridays, I’m going to write about something that is fucking awesome and makes me happy in the hopes it makes you happy, too.

For those of you who didn’t get the “Friday I’m in Love” reference, here’s The Cure song that inspired this cheerful post. Take a listen and dance like it’s 1992:

Not that you’ve got endorphins running through your body as freely as booze and crack flows through Mayor Rob Ford’s, let’s talk about something cool.

This Friday, I’m in love with the U.S. Men’s National (Soccer) Team, or for all you cool kids, the #USMNT.

I hope you watched the game on Monday. It was pretty fun. I’m not going to pretend that I had a come-to-Pelé moment that converted me from football to fútbol, but Clint Dempsey’s quick goal activated my Mel Gibson Patriot gene.

Fierce.

Fierce.

I quickly had visions of our Americans making a serious run in Brazil. Stars. Stripes. Bud heavy. Flag waving. National Anthem singing. Bruce Springsteen flying down to South America to sing “Born in the U.S.A.” before the championship game. Sounds great, right?

Then Ghana scored toward the end of the match. Shit. A tie. They’re really going to do the whole tie thing? Lame. I see why everyone in America hates socc….

GOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLLL! John Anthony Brooks, new American hero, with a header off a beautiful corner kick from another American hero Graham Zusi! Everything is right in the world again! Right Mel?

You wave that flag, Mel.

You wave that flag, Mel.

I’ll take that as a yes, Mel!

The Klins-MAN led us to victory. One of his German-American recruits (Brooks) proved to be the difference. Maybe I shouldn’t have given Jürgen a premature Hump Day Fuck You. Maybe my star-spangled visions will come to fruition. Maybe soccer will become a beloved American sport.

If the world was made of “maybes”… or wait, that’s ifs and buts, but no matter. I’m on the #USMNT bandwagon now and there’s no turning back. I’m bringing out my USA flag swim trunks on Sunday. I’ll probably cave and overpay for a vintage Landon Donovan jersey in the next few days. I’ll also be waving the American flag proudly.

I’d like to throw a quick shout out to all of my Chicago brethren, who packed Grant Park on Monday and cheered their asses off in only a way Second City sports fans can. Hell, maybe I’ll get a Chicago flag for Sunday, too.

I miss you, Chi Town. Keep drinking 312 and cheering your asses off.

I miss you, Chi Town. Keep drinking 312 and cheering your asses off.

This Friday, I’m in love with bald eagles, the bald Michael Bradley, and American Hero John Brooks. I’ve even got some love for Coach Klins.

There’s room for more on this bandwagon. Get your ass on here and let’s break some global hearts, America! We’re the underdog again and it feels so good. Right, Mel?

Is that a smile, Mel?

Is that a smile, Mel?

I’ll take that as a yes, too, you sly, beautiful bastard. U-S-A! U-S-A!

The Washington Redskins Should Remain The Redskins

Dan Snyder

Yesterday, Billy came up with a lot of great alternative names for Dan Snyder to rename the football team in Washington. My personal favorites were the Senators and the Monuments, the former has an awesome retro ring to it and the latter is just badass. He wanted to hear our thoughts on alternative names and here’s mine, the Redskins.

It shouldn’t keep the name cause I want them to be offensive to Native Americans, as this video clearly demonstrates why this is such a horrible name.

And I don’t think it should keep its name for the bullshit, ignorant, and hypocritical defense Snyder made.

“It’s more than a name we have called our football team for over eight decades. It is a symbol of everything we stand for: strength, courage, pride, and respect – the same values we know guide Native Americans and which are embedded throughout their rich history as the original Americans.” 
 

And this is also not some stance against political correctness. No, the Washington football team should keep its name because it serves as a reminder of our dark history of prejudice, exile, and slaughter against the Native American people. The Redskins nickname has caused a lot of controversy over the last few years as groups have rallied in an attempt to get Snyder to change it. That’s great and all, but where were these people over 80 years ago when the nickname was bestowed upon the Washington football team, when it was just as offensive as it is today?

Uh-oh, Harry Reid has on his angry face. Everybody watch out as nothing gets done.

Uh-oh, Harry Reid has on his angry face. Everybody watch out as nothing gets done.

People like Harry Reid, who recently made this bold statement:

“”I will not stand idly by while a professional sports team promotes a racial slur as a team name and disparages the American people. Nor will I consider your invitation to attend a home game until your organization chooses to do the right thing and change its offensive name.”

Not stand idly by? Really, Harry? You’ve been a US Senator since 1987. Did you just now realize what your local football team was called? It is certainly a possibility given the average IQ level of Senators sits just above 70, but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re not that stupid. This is a classic politician move, wait for popular opinion to sway one way and then jump on board. Sorry if I’m not very impressed by the moral high ground you’ve taken, Harry.

Nothing has been done about the Redskins name cause Americans don’t want to think about the atrocities we’ve committed against the Native American people. The land that we stole, the hundred of thousands of Native people we killed. It ruins our image of “The Heroes of the World” we’ve painted for ourselves. It is easier for us to stick the few Native ancestors left on reservations, to let them mingle amongst their own kind, and pretend they do not exist. Hey, sorry about taking all this land and slaughtering your ancestors, but here, have some casinos. We square? 

Americans should be more offended by this image than the Redskins logo.

Americans should be more offended by this image than the Redskins logo.

It always amuses me when I hear anti-immigration politicians talking about how we must preserve this land and the American way of life by keeping unwanted, illegal immigrants outside our border. While we ignore the fact that we tricked, stole, and killed the people with natural, ancestral rights to it and then claimed it as our own. I’m sorry some Mexicans risked their lives crossing the Rio for a chance at a better life. Would you prefer they attack a town in droves, pillaging and killing its citizens, while making the survivors march thousands of miles on foot to find a new home, till they get bored and take that too? After all, it is the American way.

Perhaps the actions taken by the US Patent and Trademark office will stick and Snyder will lose his appeal against it, during which time all patents and trademarks remain in tact. And then Sheriff Roger Goodell will be forced to step in and finally force Snyder to change the name. Allowing Americans to feel better that such an offensive name is no longer a part of our favorite sport and all involved with ending it, the opportunity to play hero.

As for me, I hope the name sticks. The real atrocity is not the name Snyder insists his team be called, but rather what our forefathers and ancestors did to the people of which the name offends. The Redskins name can serve as a reminder of one of the darkest marks on our record. A reminder of our failings and weaknesses. It is only through admitting our mistakes that we can truly grow stronger as a Nation.