Justice Demetrio

Justice Demetrio – Fixing Baseball

We’re a little over a week into the new baseball season and one thing is clear, baseball is still painfully boring. The only appeal to baseball is rooting for a local team. It is nice to have something to look forward to every day and because teams plays so often it is easy to get attached to the players. They become more like family than any other local athletes. When the team is good, this is wonderful, but when it is bad, it leads to thoughts of mutilation and murder.

Besides rooting for a favorite team baseball does not have much appeal. It is a slow, methodical game, which is better served as background noise for a summer picnic than an actual sporting event. It might be America’s past time, but based on its youth appeal, baseball will soon be a sport of the past. Is it beyond repair? Can baseball ever be exciting again? If there is one man to provide the solution it is Justice Demetrio.baseball-old

Case #000000009 Baseball vs Total Fucking Boredom

Let’s skip right ahead to the ruling. For the record, the easy solution would be to bring steroids back into the game. Man was that an exciting time for baseball. 

1. Create Two Separate Leagues – Upper and Lower 

Let’s borrow from European football leagues by splitting the majors in half based on record and having two separate championships. Every year at least half the league is eliminated from championship contention anyway, let’s just make it official. This way the top teams play each other more often, which leads to more exciting games. And the bottom teams get to play more even competition, which will also lead to more exciting games. The balance and competitiveness of both leagues will lead to more games that actually hold people’s attention. But there is an issue, 30 MLB teams means that splitting it in half would create two 15 team leagues. There cannot be an odd number of teams between leagues that do not play each other. Therefore, I’m going to bet big on my new league taking off and expanding the lower league with two new teams. One team we’ll give to Nashville because it is an underrated sports city and just one of the coolest in the country. The other will go to Las Vegas because there needs to be a professional team in the gambling capital of the country. The expansion teams will go to the lower league, as the game expands globally more talent should be coming to the U.S. and since it will be playing lesser competition it will allow each team more room to grow competitive. Based off last year’s records let’s take a look at what each league would be this year.

If the owners don't want to allow the awesomeness of roided out sluggers, then they must follow my system.

If the owners don’t want to allow the awesomeness of roided out sluggers, then they must follow my system.

Upper                                                                 Lower                         

1. St. Louis Cardinals                               1. LAA Angels

2. Boston Red Sox                                      2. San Francisco Giants

3. Atlanta Braves                                        3. San Diego Padres

4. Oakland A’s                                               4. Colorado Rockies

5. Pittsburgh Pirates                                  5. Milwaukee Brewers

6. Detroit Tigers                                           6. Toronto Blue Jays

7. LA Dodgers                                               7. New York Mets

8. Cleveland Indians                                   8. Philadelphia Phillies

9. Tampa Bay Rays                                      9. Seattle Mariners

10. Texas Rangers                                       10. Minnesota Twins

11. Cincinnati Reds                                      11. Chicago Cubs

12. Washington Nationals                         12. Chicago White Sox

13. Kansas City Royals                               13. Miami Marlins

14. New York Yankees                               14. Houston Astros

15. Baltimore Orioles                                  15. Nashville Sounds

16. Arizona Diamondbacks                      16. Las Vegas Golden Nuggets

2. Relegation System 

Once the two leagues are created there needs to be a system that allows teams to move up and fall down between leagues based on performance. How would it work? Let’s use last year’s standings as our example. The bottom two teams in the upper league are automatically relegated to the lower league in the next year, in this case the Orioles and Diamondbacks would be sent down. The top two teams in the lower league would both automatically be sent up to replace them, but not before they competed in a 7-game series to determine the champion of the league. Last year it would have been a rematch of the 2002 World Series, Angels vs Giants.

Relegation is the most exciting aspect of European leagues, but here in America we love our playoffs. This system allows for extra playoff series, which means extra excitement and more ratings. There will be a a traditional best of 7 playoff between the top four teams of the Upper League to determine the World Series Champion. Last year it would’ve been, Cardinals vs A’s and Red Sox vs Braves with the winners moving on to the World Series. However, there will also be two additional playoffs to determine the final two teams to move up and down. In the upper league the next four teams with the worst records will match up in a best of 5 series with the losers being relegated. Last year it would’ve been Reds vs Yankees and Nationals vs Royals. Then in the lower league the next 6 teams will compete for the right to move up. The Padres and Rockies would get a bye to await the winners of Brewers vs Phillies and Mets vs Blue Jays.

This system gives more teams something to play for throughout the year. 10 teams currently make the playoffs and in a good year there are two teams that just miss the playoffs, which means less than half the league has something to play for in September. This system gives at a minimum 18 teams with something play for at the end of the year – four teams in the World Series playoffs, six teams fighting to not get relegated, 6 teams fighting to move up, and two going for the lower league’s championship. And since each league should be more competitive there is a greater chance for all the races to be very tight. This game is already more exciting.

3. Shorten the Season and the Game 

The baseball season is far too long. Anyone whom has seen a game in a cold weather city has noticed the dismal attendance. Stadiums aren’t even half filled, some games didn’t even draw a 1,000 people. As bad as the start of the season is, the end is even worse because it corresponds with the start of football season. People care more about pre-season football than post-season baseball. Now that there are only 16 teams in each league we can shorten the season. Each team will every other in their respective leagues six times total. 15 opponents multiplied by six games equals 90 games. This is the perfect length for a season. It can now start in the beginning of May, when the weather has warmed up in most cities, and can end before September when football starts. Then the playoffs are mandated to only take place on Tuesday-Friday, leaving the weekends for football. This schedule also keeps rivalries fresh and adds importance to each game.

As for the games themselves? Way too long, it is the only sport that can last over three hours on a regular basis, which is not something that the sport with the least action should do. Let’s shorten the game to 7 innings. It will help shorten the average length of games by at least 45 minutes and allow dominant starters, on pitch counts, to not have to rely on shaking bullpens to finish off games for them. The shorter games will help make for better TV and get more people to watch.

4. Move to a Point System 

The 7-inning games will most likely lead to more ties, but instead of keeping with traditional extra innings rules let’s add the point system. Just like hockey, every win in regulation will be worth two points, but if a team loses in extras it still gets one point. The final standings will be determined by point total, not win-loss record. Run differential will serve as a tie-breaker. baseball-boring

5. Add a Slam-Off for Tie-Breakers

In keeping with borrowing from hockey, let’s put a cap on extra innings at two, or nine innings total. If the game is still tied after two extra innings the two teams move to a Slam-off where it picks three players each and sends its Batting Practice pitcher out to throw. Each player gets one swing and the team that hits more home runs between the three players wins the game. In the event of a tie, each team must keep sending out a new player till the tie is broken. If it is not before the final players on the roster reach the plate, then those last two players keep swinging till someone hits a home run. This could lead to two relief pitchers battling each other to hit a BP fastball out of the park.

Every close baseball game just became must watch television. The Slam-Off would be a more intense version of the Home Run Derby, only it actually affects your team’s place in the standings. Just the image of the home crowd rooting on it’s lefty reliever to hit a home run makes me want to watch a baseball game without feeling the urge to gouge my eyes out.

If/when Bud Selig retires the MLB owners need to look no further than this ruling to realize that Justice Demetrio is the perfect candidate to replace him. That is if they do not want the game to go the way of them and become extinct.

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Justice Demetrio

Justice Demetrio has been in hiding after eliminating Valentine’s Day. He received countless death threats, mostly from Newlyweds, but his high paid security team has given him the all clear to get back on the bench. Just in time too as this case needs a rushed ruling. NCAA

Case #000000005 The People vs NCAA Basketball Conference Tournaments

March is the best month of the year. The main reason being March Madness. As a young lad. Justice Demetrio looked forward to Selection Sunday with the same anticipation as Christmas Day. He had a giant white board with a NCAA bracket and he filled in the teams as Greg Gumble announced them. Then with each game of each round he would advance the winners until there was one team left to put in that Champions spot.

It was always a magical time of year, especially when the tournament would fall on his birthday. If someone asked him a would you rather have March Madness or Christmas when Justice Demetrio was a kid, the choice would’ve been March Madness. The tournament has remained important even as he’s gotten older. I high school, class was optional during the tournament. Though somehow the deans did not get that same memo. The year that he discovered CBS’ online feature that allowed you to watch out of market games was on par with discovering the magic of masturbation. In college, his dorm room was transformed to a NCAA Command Center with more TVs than a BWW.

The best example of March Madness Magic? It actually makes people excited to see Greg Gumble.

The best example of March Madness Magic? It actually makes people excited to see Greg Gumble.

 

The magic has never worn off. If only this magic could be expanded, so we can experience more of it. Enter, conference tournament week, which is really almost two weeks leading up to Selection Sunday. In theory conference tournaments make sense. Let’s take the magic of March Madness and boil it down to each conference, so it happens 28 more times. The problem is that the regular season becomes diluted.

It does not impact the bigger conferences as much since most of the teams involved in the tournament would make the big dance anyways. But for the smaller, one bid, conferences these tournaments are particularly cruel. Billy’s Alma Mater, Boston University, dominated the Patriot League in its first season in the conference. It finished two games clear of second place American. But since the Patriot league will only get one team into the tournament, due to national rankings, Boston U is one game away from seeing its March Madness dreams erased. How is this fair?

The big conferences are also affected by this as the conference tournament tends to carry more weight with the selection committee. It forces teams to play on back-to-back nights, something they never do in the regular season or in the national tournament. Since only one team wins it, the tournament guarantees most teams another loss on its record, which could hurt its seeding.

Plus these tournaments happen less than a week before the national one, which means teams that run the gauntlet have less than a week to rest up after playing three nights in a row. Some teams even have to play four games in a row in the bigger conferences. This leaves teams fatigued heading into the tourney and those tired legs could affect the outcome of tournament games.

Verdict: 

It is time to eliminate conference tournaments. Both the regular season and March Madness are watered down because of these despicable events. America likes to place huge importance on playoffs or tournaments because it creates more exciting events. Most major football, soccer to the ill-informed, around the world decide its league champions by who won the regular season. It is logical, since being the best team over an entire regular season is much harder than winning three or four games in a row. Playoffs should not be eliminated entirely, but it must be earned through a long and grueling regular season.  As it stands now, the NCAA basketball regular season matters very little.

March Madness is also hurt by these conference tournaments. Not only because it tires out the competitors, but it also takes away from the novelty of the event. The NCAA Tournament should be special, sacred even We should not see anything else like it. The fact that conference tournaments gets lumped in with March Madness shows the damage done. Justice Demetrio cannot sit by idly and watch his favorite sporting event get ruined by this sacrilege. In the words of the infamous Roberto Duran, “No mas.” Congratulations to all the teams who won their conferences regular season, welcome to the Big Dance.

Justice Demetrio

The Justice bypassed a round of golf with dentists, those brilliant bastards who take Wednesdays off, in order to rule on this very special case.

Case #000000004 – Single People vs Valentine’s Day

This Friday brings the holiday that all single people despise, Valentine’s Day. Some hate because the thought of sharing their life with one person disgusts them to the point of vomiting. Others dread it since it serves as a reminder of their lonely existence. They will be spending Friday night with a bottle of wine, watching Love Actually and shredding a lake of tears about the fact that true love has yet to find them. single people

It is a difficult holiday for these people to get through, but for people in a relationship it is the day to go out and celebrate not being one those people. It is a chance to showoff how lucky they are to have found each other to the rest of the world. An opportunity to be showered with gifts: flowers, chocolates, and giant teddy bears. Valentine’s Day serves as the reward for putting up with each other for the past year as it sticks the knife deeper into the backs of all the suffering single people.

Let’s get to the verdict since this ruling needs to be rushed.

Verdict:

The Justice rules to eliminate Valentine’s Day as a holiday. It is not in support of these poor, suffering single people, of whom the Justice may or may not be. No, this ruling is for all people in relationships, especially the sappy romantics of the world.

Why exactly do we need a holiday to celebrate loving a person? Isn’t that a little sad and pathetic? It speaks terribly to relationships that they need one day to celebrate the person rather than doing it every single day. Valenetine’s Day promotes laziness in relationships and allows an out for everyone who treated their partner like crap the rest of the year. A holiday that allows for grand, romantic gestures to replace 364 days of being under appreciated by your partner.

Why do we need a holiday to do something this cute?

Why do we need a holiday to do something this cute?

The Justice can no longer let people get away with this. Every day should be Valentine’s Day for people in a relationship. And if you want an excuse to send the person you love flowers or a special gift, then make it be that it is a Wednesday and not a date determined by Hallmark to sell more cards.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, the Justice is also eliminating Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, President’s Day and Thanksgiving. It is just as sickening that we need special days to thank our parents for giving us life and raising us. This should happen every single day. We can no longer let shitty sons and daughters get away with simply sending their mother’s and father’s cards once a year. Plus, not all mothers and fathers deserve a holiday celebrating them. There are plenty that deserve to go to jail or get Chinese water tortured for all their sins rather than a coffee mug that says”World’s Best Dad.” Let the free market decide how to celebrate our parents. If they are good parents than they should be celebrated all the time, unless their children are too lazy to do so.

If I had unyielding power, all holidays should be eliminated. They all celebrate things that we should be honoring every day. Should there only be one single day where we celebrate the men and women who served our nation in battle? Do have to have one dinner where we invite friends and family over to tell them how we’re thankful for them? And the Justice already ruled on the stupidity of President’s Day.

The truth is that all holidays should be eliminated. However, the Justice respects the separation of church and state, so all religious holidays must remain. Don’t make a joke about Christmas not being a religious holiday. Keep it together. At least The Fourth of July commemorates the birth of our nation and getting rid of birthdays is not an option. At least until March 15th passes. Memorial Day is needed to kick-off summer, and Labor Day is needed to remind everyone when they have to stop wearing white.

In order to make the proper impact, a significant holiday must be eliminated and Thanksgiving is the obvious choice. The only thing it commemorates is a dinner between Pilgrims and Indians with very vague historical details. It is really just a big dinner with family and friends, something we can do any night of the year without inviting those relatives who always get drunk and spew rhetoric about immigrants ruining our country. The Justice rules that it is a dumb holiday that would better serve the public by being eviscerated off the face of the earth.

This ruling may seem harsh, but it will help make the world a better place. Instead of depending on one day to celebrate the people we love, let’s try to make every day a holiday. Let’s make everyday one where we tell the person we love how much he or she means to us. A day where we call our parents and say “I love you,” and thank them for all they sacrificed for us. A day where we share a meal with friends and family and thank them for the blessings they bestow upon our lives. As Tony Soprano once said, “every day is a gift.” We should appreciate this gift by celebrating it every day instead of waiting once a year to do so.

Happy Everydat

Happy Every Day people!

Court adjourned.

 

Justice Demetrio

All rise. The Justice is back on the bench to right the injustices that plague America. This week a case comes before the bench due to the noise made from the Justice’s place of birth Evanston, IL.

Last week athletes from Northwestern University filed to unionize in order to receive wages for playing college sports. The debate to pay college athletes has been around for over a decade, but it continues to pick up more steam every year making it a hot topic. The time has come for Justice Demetrio to solve this issue for good.

Case #000000003 NCAA Athletes vs. The NCAA

The NCAA is a shady organization, there is no other way to put it. People opposed to the practices compare the use of college athletes to slavery. While it is always a bit much to compare anything to slavery, the NCAA does take advantage of a free labor force, to limit overhead, and increase profit margin.

Anyone who went to college and is paying off college loans monthly with no end in sight, would argue college athletes get a huge advantage with full scholarships. A fully paid college experience does save these athletes a lot of money and their respective universities provide an education that will be invaluable to them for the rest of their lives.

However, the NCAA cashes in a ton of money from these players likeness via jersey sales and video games, not to mention the enormous TV deals. It goes beyond the basic student-athlete agreement. Since, it treats these athletes more as commodities than students the athletes feel they’re entitled to a piece of the profit pie. Many athletes come from economically deficient backgrounds, and while a scholarship plus room and board is nice, it does not feed them or provide clothing. Both of which are difficult to come by for some of them.

It seems ridiculous that a player whose jersey sells out and is featured on ESPN all week does not have enough money to properly feed himself. There is also the pressure to provide money for loved ones struggling at home. Since the NFL requires players to wait three years after high school graduation before being allowed to enter the draft, there are players who are due for multi-million dollar contracts to play on Sundays that have to wait it out three tough years.

Verdict:

An education is a valuable commodity and many people would give an arm and a leg to get out of college debt. The NCAA is corrupt and cashes in on an advantageous situation. Something does need to change, but let’s be honest only College Football, and to a much lesser extent, basketball, bring in any money. I don’t think many people are marking their calendar’s for the Men’s Volleyball Championships, well besides Michael Juettner, boom. Juettner Slam! Many student athletes are actually getting a great deal with a full scholarship to play a sport they love. Especially with Title IX, the large number of football scholarships has allowed for more women to go to good schools and continue to compete at the sports at which they excel.

It is too difficult to determine how to pay players, who deserves it, and how much to pay them. There are really only a dozen players or so that move the needle in jersey sales and bring in extra profits. Is the woman who sits on the field hockey bench suppose to make the same amount of money as the starting QB at Alabama? Even in the big money sports, do all players deserve the same? Despite the fact that they never play and no one even knows their name, let alone would buy a jersey.

There will never be a fair process to pay these athletes and someone will continue to complain. The NCAA starting to pay athletes is going down a rabbit hole, the classic give a mouse a piece of cheese situation. The Justice cannot justify forcing the NCAA to pay athletes, it is just impossible to regulate and find a fair way to pay players money proportionate to their skills at an institution of higher learning.

The NCAA has created a beautifully corrupt home and it will continue to get to benefit from beating the system. However, there is an opportunity for someone to come in and provide competition to knock it down a peg.

What if there was a developmental, professional league that served as the minor leagues of the NFL? Instead of having to sign at a school and wait out three years of college ball, talented young football players can sign with this new professional league and get paid right out of high school.

There is no competing with the NFL, but the opportunity to make money right out of high school, at least legitimately and not under the table, would be enticing to talented young athletes. It may take a few years, but once the talent starts pouring in this league could take off and serve as a good alternative league to the NCAA. It’s certainly hard take on the big boosters from the big Universities, but there are enough football addicts out there to draw decent ratings.

The best thing for this league is to be sponsored, maybe even owned by the NFL. After all wouldn’t teams benefit from having a  developmental league in order to be able to better evaluate players. It can also be an opportunity to train these athletes to the rigors of the NFL off the field at a younger age, which could cut down on the number of off the field arrests and incidents. It would make sense that the NFL would be supportive of this new league as it would also create some distance between itself and the stink of the NCAA.

However, if the NFL was afraid to challenge the NCAA in order to maintain  its friendly relationship, then I’m sure there are plenty of billionaires who would be interested in stepping up and starting this league. One billionaire comes to mind over any other. A man who once had the cajones to challenge the NFL with a competitive league that’s right, the Justice’s good friend, Vinny Mac.

Vince McMahon thrives on challenging authority and the status quo. He would love the attention he’d get for starting this new under 25 league as a way to compete with the “corrupt” NCAA. Vinny Mac does not like to pass up a great PR stunt. He can even bring back some of the principles of the XFL and provide a hard nosed alternative to the softer rules of the NFL. Plus it would be exciting to see him do this again.

Court Adjurned.

Justice Demetrio

All rise, the honorably dishonorable Justice Demetrio is back on the bench ready to serve his brand of Stone Cold justice.

Case #000000002 is brought to the court by friend of the Millennial Man, Mr. Gary “the Glove” Payton.

The Glove does not like what he sees in today's NBA.

The Glove does not like what he sees in today’s NBA.

Mr. Gary Payton vs The NBA

Mr. Payton made waves last week when he called out the current brand of basketball, labeling it soft, weak, and grandma ball. It has gotten so bad in his mind that he can no longer watch the game that he loves and played at a hall of fame level for over a decade.

It is a big enough shame that America is deprived of the Glove in his post-retirement element on NBA TV with Chris Webber. As great as the Inside the NBA TV crew is, fresh blood is always good and the C-Webb/Glove combination looked primed to take over the entertaining NBA analyst crown a few years back, just watch this clip and understand the joy that was taken away from us.

The Glove’s credentials are thought of highly in this courtroom, so when he speaks up about the NBA being

So many people wanted to punch Laimbeer in the face that he eventually had to wear a mask to protect himself.

So many people wanted to punch Laimbeer in the face that he eventually had to wear a mask to protect himself.

soft, Justice Demetrio listens.It is apparent that the rules have been changed to put an emphasis on offense and make it harder for defenses to defend without fouling. Scoring used to be a big deal in the NBA, every point was earned the hard way and the top scorers in the league had it the hardest as defenses committed fouls on them that would be a felony off the court.

The venerable Sam Smith highlighted the famous “Jordan Rules” that the Bad Boy Pistons used to slow down his Airness in his prime.  Those Pistons team were determined to turn the game into a knock down drag out parking lot fight. If you were going to score on them, you had to earn it with blood, sweat, and the greatest basketball player to ever live.

Basketball is a contact sport, while football is a collision. When playing basketball you get hit, sometimes harder than others, it is a smash mouth game or at least it used to be. Since the implementation of the hand-checking rule in 2005 the game has opened up and made it easier for smaller ball handlers to move freely up and down the court.

It is not a coincidence that Steve Nash won back-to-back MVPs right after the rule was implemented. His seven seconds or less Suns would have had a harder time playing that style in the 80s and 90s. Sure the Showtime Lakers got up and down the floor, scoring a ton of points, but Magic Johnson is 6’9 and as big as many centers, which made it easier for him to deal with all the contact. Nash and his slender 6 foot Canadian frame would’ve been knocked around easily.

Would Steve Nash and his flowing locks have been a two-time MVP in the 80s or 90s? Unless Doc Brown shows up, we'll never know.

Would Steve Nash and his flowing locks have been a two-time MVP in the 80s or 90s? Unless Doc Brown shows up, we’ll never know.

However, this is all presumptive, there is actually no definitive way to prove how players would handle other eras of basketball. Old men love to romanticize their eras and talk about how much worse the new generation is compared to them. Being too soft is a common slight against the Millennial generation in all things, not just basketball. Older generations see us as weak, narcissistic, and smart phone obsessed pansies incapable of building up the greatness they established.

Basketball might be a contact sport, but the contact got way out of hand in the 90s and resembled an MMA match with some occasional basketball played. The Heat-Knicks games were particularly ugly with the teams more focused on hurting each other than anything else and the first one to 70 winning.

Verdict: 

The NBA has definitely changed the rules to get rid of the hard contact and collisions that ruled the 80s and 90s. This does not mean that it has gotten too soft, though. The game was getting out of hand and the rules did need to change. Basketball is meant to be played more freely and open, than the slugfests that were masquerading as basketball games. It is not impossible to play good defense either, just look at the Pacers, Heat, and Bulls. In fact the current game rewards teams that can play defense without mugging the other team, but rather work in unison and have players that can move their feet to stay in front of the guy their guarding.

Older generations love the way things were due to nostalgia. They become blind to any faults with the way they did things and as a result think everything is wrong with the new way. The “Greatest Generation” may have won a World War, but it still had segregation, sexism, McCarthyism, and rampant organized crime. The old NBA rules allowed Bruce Bowen to mug his way to five first team all defensive player honors.

What? Foul? Who? Me?

What? Foul? Who? Me?

The type of fouls being called are not the problem with system, but punishments handed out for those fouls are. This court has never liked the foul out rule in the NBA, nor the fact that all fouls are considered equal. How can body blocking a dribbler outside the three point line be penalized the same as a hard foul on a guy going up for a layup?

Here are the changes the NBA must make. Get rid of foul outs, we do not want to see players taken out of the game due to foul trouble or ultimately fouling out. The best players should be able to play as much as their endurance allows them or as the coach sees fit. Instead of fouling out at 6 personal fouls, add an extra free throw to the penalty. If it is a shooting foul or a team bonus foul, then the shooter would get three shots instead of two. On non-shooting fouls, when the team is not in the bonus, it would just be one free throw and the ball back.

If a player happens to reach 10 personal fouls, then it is two additional free throws for the shooter. This rule change benefits the opposing team with extra shots, rather than taking players off the court. Fouling becomes more of a strategy that can be implemented and allow for some of the old style to be brought back into the game. I know this could lead to teams just hacking big men to make them shoot free throws, but guess what, if you’re in the NBA you should be able to make at least 60% of your free throws, I’m sorry it is your fucking job. It will also be fun to watch Deandre Jordan and Dwight Howard battle it out for most missed free throws in a season. 

Also, since players would no longer be ejected, the NBA can create a hierarchy in penalizing fouls. In the

NFL a false start penalty is less detrimental than a pass interference down field. It would be silly if all

Balls in your court, commissioner.

Balls in your court, commissioner.

penalties were just five yards since they affect the game in different ways. New Commissioner Adam Silver can make a splash next year by making minor, non-shooting fouls, one penalty, and fouls that prevent layups or are more blatant to be worth two fouls. The amount will be added to the players personal foul total, meaning three two-penalty fouls equals six total fouls and an extra free throw for the shooter.

The challenge is determining what would justify two fouls over one, but anything that is worth doing is going to be difficult. This court will leave that up to the NBA to determine as Justice Demetrio is not an employee of the National Basketball Association and therefore cannot do all the work. These are just the changes that have been ordered by the court to be made before next season. Also, get rid of hand checking fouls, it is a stupid fucking rule.

Court Adjured.  

 

Justice Demetrio

(Newscom TagID: ndxphotos003239)     [Photo via Newscom]

The world is filled with problems that require people of sound judgment and infinite wisdom to solve them. As the son of a Judge, I’ve been raised to believe that the Judicial system houses all of these special minds. Since I was raised in the Judicial system I’ve been molded into one of these great problem solvers. Unfortunately becoming a Judge requires one to be a lawyer first, which requires passing the Bar exam, that only a person with a law degree can take, a degree that can only be achieved by graduating from an accredited Law School, an accomplishment saved for those who study 80 hours a week to avoid failing out, and schools which require you to apply with a successful LSAT score, which is typically achieved by taking the LSAT exam. I’ve not taken the LSAT exam, therefore I cannot be a judge. See, I’m a natural.

However, I do not want my lack of a law degree to prevent me from solving the world’s problems, my higher calling; therefore I will use this website as a platform to solve the problems that do not get a day in court. I’m the only man capable of solving these problems and with each case the world will become a better place.

The first case on the docket has been filed by NFL fans around the world. By “around the world” I really mean America since most people around the world are fans of the more appropriately named football. But since America is greater than all other nations combined, they can all go fuck themselves with their logic.

Another wildly successful and entertaining NFL season will come to a close next week with Super Bowl XLVIII or 48 for our anti-Roman readers. However, there is a dark spot on the league that fans have been clamoring to be fixed since its inception and lucky for America, Justice Demetrio has been listening and is here to find a solution. All rise, the Honorable Thomas Augustus Demetrio presides, Case #000000001 The People vs. Thursday Night Football.

Defendant: Thursday Night Football

Football is America’s game, not for pageantry and tradition like baseball, but rather because it hits all the major desires we look for in a sport: Gladitorial, easy to gamble on, a good excuse to drink like a Frat star, and the ultimate fantasy sport. America is football hungry and we flock to our TVs to watch as much as possible. Television is designed to get a large number of eye-balls glued to a TV set at an exact time and place, so they can sell commercial slots to advertisers who are looking to push Beer and boner pills on the American public.  The NFL and TV go together like Wall Street and corruption, a perfect match.

It is interesting that Beer/alcohol is the common enemy to the male erection, which makes the two such a perfect pair. Why haven’t beer companies come out with their own erectile dysfunction pills? Miller Lite can just reverse its beer slogan: Less taste, More Filling.

Television’s changing landscape, more channels and time shifting devices, has fractured audiences. It is rare to have a program draw more than five million viewers let alone 20-30 as the top shows of a couple of decades ago regularly did.

This makes football such a valuable commodity to broadcasters, not only does it draw in that audience, it is also something viewers have to watch live, even rarer. This has led to a desire to put as much football on TV as humanly possible.

Normally I would slap the person who came up with the phrase, “too much of a good thing is bad.” I mean it just makes no logical sense, I can never have too much of a good thing, but alas she gets the last laugh as Thursday Night Football encapsulates the phrase perfectly.

The concept of Thursday Night Football makes sense on paper, let’s slide in another night of Primetime Football, and bring in even more ad revenue.

Even the decision to put it on the NFL Network makes sense, why let these other networks benefit from our product when we have our own, exclusive 24 hour channel we’re trying to get off the ground.  But like many great concepts it fails to calculate the limits of human beings.

The games are sloppy, penalty-filled bore fests that only end up infuriating fans when their teams get stuck playing on a short week with a banged up roster. It has failed to bring in good ratings, averaging around 6 million viewers a week, which is less than half of the Monday Night football ratings.

The NFL has pushed the blame on the NFL Network’s inability to draw a bigger audience and is looking to move Thursday Night Football to another network, NBC is the front runner. However, this is the proverbial band-aid on a bullet hole and the Shield is ignoring the larger issue at hand, not to mention looking like huge hypocrites.

Player safety has been the hottest topic in the NFL over the last few seasons. It strikes up multiple, passionate arguments. The former players are upset that they were lied to about the dangers of the game for years and are seeking proper retribution. Some fans and other players, mostly defensive, have complained about how soft the game has become in response to protecting the players.

A popular argument is that there was never ever anything wrong with how the game was played in the past, so long as everyone who enters the league is fully informed of the danger. Then it is just a group of consenting adults going out on Sundays to maul each other.

Anyone who surfs Youtube and comes across old highlights of big hits throughout the years, may tend to disagree with the idea that nothing about the game needed to change. But regardless of a person’s views on player safety, there is no arguing that sending teams back onto the gridiron four days after a game is certainly not enhancing a player’s health.

If the NFL is so worried about player’s safety, maybe they should re-examine the practice of Thursday Night games instead of throwing penalties and fines at players who land on a quarterback funny.

Part of the reason America loves football is the danger involved in the game, but it is not fun to watch our favorite legends of the game lose their minds due to CTE or be unable to walk up a single step. There is no way to take all the danger out of the game, but eliminating playing on three day’s rest would certainly help.

The Verdict:

It is quite simple, expand the NFL season by two weeks, but keep the number of games played the same, giving each team two extra bye weeks.  This means 19 weeks to play 16 games, since every team has extra bye weeks they will all play on Thursday Night Football following one of its byes.

The Thursday Night games will start in Week 3 and run through Week 18, meaning byes will start in Week 2. The extra byes serve to both prevent teams from ever having to play on three day’s rest and give them extra weeks off to heal up nagging injuries. It will also make the Thursday Night games less sloppy and better television viewing for whichever network gets it next.

Why add two extra weeks, when the issue could be solved with one? Fair question counselor, besides the obvious reasons of providing two extra weeks of football programming to TV Networks desperate for those huge Football ratings, and two extra weeks to shit on your buddies in a fantasy league,  I’ll give you an even more compelling reason.

Mondays suck. An argument that never needs to be settled in court, but some Mondays suck harder than others, such as one’s that follow vacations or weddings. One Monday that sucks ever single year, without fail, is the Monday after the Super Bowl.

Sundays in the fall are built around NFL football. It is a glorious day that serves as the last bastion of joy before another week of work has to begin. The Super Bowl is the last of these Sundays and it encompasses the entire season in one day, which means a lot of partying.

If everyone loves football, then everyone and their mama loves the Super Bowl. It is watched by over 100 million people in America each year, do you realize how outrageous that is? Two-thirds of people who own a television are watching the Super Bowl, nearly half our country is watching the Super Bowl.

Is there any one day where that much of the country is doing the same thing, besides the Fourth of July and Christmas? No way, so why isn’t the Super Bowl a national holiday? It is celebrated far more than Memorial Day, Labor Day, and especially President’s Day.

President’s Day: what is it? Why do we celebrate it? It was originally decreed a National Holiday celebrating Washington’s birthday by an Act of Congress in 1879. The first attempt to create a generic President’s Day was in 1951, but it was not till the mid-80s when advertisers started pushing the idea that President’s day became a holiday. The third Monday of February was settled on as the date of observance as it falls between Lincoln’s birthday on the 12th and Washington’s on the 22nd.

Outside of the insubstantiality of its origin, the mere idea of celebrating Presidents should be something reserved for our communist brethren. Isn’t the Presidency an honor and a privilege for any man or woman who holds the position? Doesn’t a democracy support the power of the people and the right to vote, over the individual who holds the office.

All holidays come packed with commercialism, but at least the others have sturdier legs to stand on as the righteous attempt to kick them down. President’s Day just seems to be a blatant attempt for car dealerships to get in the black.

Where the hell is all of this going? I thought this was about Thursday Night Football? Shut up! I’d hold you in contempt, but when I complete my prestige you’ll feel like such a dummy you’ll hold yourself in contempt.

Two extra weeks of the regular season means everything in the post-season gets pushed back two weeks as well. A quick look at a calendar will show that two weeks after the Super Bowl is the third Sunday of February. What happens on the third Monday of February? I feel like something always happens then, but for the life of me I cannot remember what it is.

Want to help diminish that Super Bowl hangover? Put the big game on the Sunday before President’s day, a meaningless and messed up holiday. America can use that day off to sleep in, pop Advil, drink  water and cry over the loss of football and all the money in our savings account from betting big on the under for the National Anthem.

How many years do you think it will take for the third weekend in February to be recognized as Super Bowl weekend instead of President’s day? Give it a year, two tops, and no one will even remember President’s Day existed.

The people demanded a solution to Thursday Night Football and not only did I solve it, but I also cured our Nation’s massive Super Bowl hangover and eliminated a fascist holiday. Boom, you just got what Charlie Sheen has always wanted to hear when he walks into his favorite whorehouse, three for the price of one.

Court adjourned.

Article by: Tom Demetrio, Co-founder of Millennial Man