Comedy

Open Question to Women: Are You All Squirters?

Was it good for you? This is the question most man ask a woman in post-coitus. It is typically asked in a concerned tone because we both hope that they enjoyed themselves, but also know the possibility is very high that they did not. Women never have to worry about asking men that since we have a distinct release that lets them know just how good of a time we just had. And while I have faked an orgasm before in order to mercifully end the night and get to sleep, I will go out on a limb and say that is a lot less than women do it.

The differences between a male and female orgasm are as vast as Donald Sterling and reality. Ours are quick, powerful, and provide a nice escape. Women’s are challenging, intense, and satisfying on a deeper level. The mind also plays a much bigger part in accomplishing the latter, while the former is much more a physical release like sweating or farting. It seems unfair that such a challenging thing to accomplish depends on taking someone’s word for it when you do accomplish said feat. It would be like winning a Mario Cart Grand Prix and then having no trophy ceremony. I want my damn trophy. This is where squirting comes into play.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

According to Women’s Health writer Rebecca Chalker, “Female ejaculation is one of the most hotly debated questions in modern sexology.” Reports vary from as small as 6% to as high as 69% of women experiencing female ejaculation. That is quite the discrepancy in statistics. Normally I would say the truth falls somewhere in the middle, but in this case I have another theory, it is actually 100% of women who can and should experience female ejaculation. The variance does not come from differences in female anatomy, but rather their sexual partners ability to get them to the climax state required to ejaculate. The problem lies with us ladies, not you. Well except for the ladies who prefer the company of other ladies, then that is on you. 

I know what a lot of men are saying, “but I’ve never been with a squirter?” To which I reply, exactly. Look it is just a theory, but the law of gravity started with a theory after an apple hit Isaac Newton in the head, so I think I’m standing on some sturdy ground here. I thought it would be best to reach out and ask the people whom this affects the most. So, what do you think ladies? Is it possible that all of you are capable of a female ejaculation? Have men been robing you the opportunity to put a money shot in our face? If so, as someone who took two gender studies courses in college and considers himself a feminist, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”

 

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How It Should Be Done

Josh Reddick is my new favorite baseball player. His epic beard-off with Daniel Bryan had me teetering on the edge, but his new walk-up music last night signed, sealed, and delivered it. Instead of using walk-up music to play his favorite song or some over played top-40 hit like players have been doing since it’s inception, Reddick chose to use it to gain a psychological advantage on his opponent. Unfortunately that opponent happened to be my beloved White Sox, but that only cements how real my Reddick boner is. 

For anyone who missed Reddick’s brilliance check out the video below.

That’s right he went Wham’s “Careless Whisper” on them. A song with perhaps the cheesiest and catchiest hook of all-time. There is no way that the White Sox players were able to fully focus after hearing that. Their heads were filled with the smooth, jazzy sounds of Wham. This brilliant song choice has led to Reddick going 4-8 with three RBIs including his second homer of the season, not bad for a guy that was batting under .220 going into Monday’s game. At this rate Reddick will win the batting title, break Barry Bonds’ home run record, and hit for the Triple Crown. It is only a matter of time till other players latch on to this trend to turn around their careers. This is MLB’s new steiroids.

As a fan of hits, runs, and homers I want to help players find other songs that will have the same effect as “Careless Whisper.”

Hooked on A Feeling by David Hasselhoff – 

Let’s start with an easy one. Nobody knows how to mess with the heads of an opponent more than the Hoff. He ended the Goddamn Cold War for Christ’s Sake. The song itself is annoyingly catchy enough to throw off any opponent, but if the team also throws up the music video – Game Over. Can’t you just picture this becoming a crowd favorite as they start chanting, “OOGA CHAKKA, HOOGA HOOGA, OOGA CHAKKA” before the music even starts playing. It will be absolutely incredible.

Hurt – Johnny Cash  

A annoyingly catchy tune can be effective, but a devastatingly depressing one is even better. This walk-up song will cause an existential breakdown in your opponents. They will be too busy thinking about the purpose of their lives to concentrate on winning a baseball game. If the hitter adds in Charlie Brown walk up with his bat dragging behind him for full wrist slashing effect this will seal his future Hall of Fame status.

Random Red Couch – McDonald’s Corp. 

Annoying commercial jingles are on top of the heap of annoying songs. It both plays to the annoying catchiness, as well as the fact that McDonald’s thought this was a good idea over putting the star pitcher you’re facing that day. This is the walk-up song for hitters who struggle against Aces cause you’ll never have an issue with them again.

Super Mario Bros Theme Song – Mario and Luigi 

As Don Draper would say, “In Greek nostalgia literally means the pain from an old wound.” This song choice is all about playing into nostalgia. Most pitchers in today’s MLB grew up in the Super Mario Bros. era and it will bring them back to their childhood, which will lead to thoughts of their mothers and most likely some painful memories will follow. Even if they are pleasant thoughts, the trip down memory lane will be enough to gain a distinct advantage.

Adolf Hitler Speech – Adolf Hitler 

This is completely politically incorrect, but for any player struggling to stay up in the big leagues who does not care about becoming the most hated man in baseball, then dive in to the evil end of the pool. No one said that your walk-up song had to be musical. Anger can be a powerful emotion to use against your opponent. If you want to go all in, then rock a Michael Jordan mustache from those Hane’s commercials and goose step your way to home plate.

Factory Wake Up Alarm – Iphone 

Nothing throws a person off more than hearing the sound of their alarm while awake. It will disorientate pitchers and totally throw off their focus. This will give the hitter a huge advantage at the plate.

The Sound of Bacon Sizzling – God

There is no better sound on this earth than that of bacon sizzling. It is a notification that you’re about to enjoy the most delicious thing ever created. However, if a person were to hear that sound and then not receive any bacon it will make them a combination of super sad and mad. This will cause them to think only of the fact that they’re not eating bacon and not that they need to pitch to a major league hitter.

Scarlett Johannson’s Voice from Her 

Anyone that watched the movie Her knows that it was not much of a stretch to believe Joaquin Phoenix fell in love with his phone because it was voiced by the sensual ScarJo. Let’s throw the other team off by playing the audio from the scene where Joaquin and his phone get freaky. Obviously this may keep some kids away from the park, but whom cares about being PG when you’re winning. Am I right?

Sound of Water Dripping – The Devil 

If it is good enough to torture terrorists with at Gitmo, then it should be more than effective at throwing pitchers off their games.

Game of Thrones Theme Song – George RR Martin

Annoying, depressing, evil, torturous are all good elements to an effective walk-up song, but sometimes it is good too simply go super badass to have pitchers shaking in their boots. And nothing is more badass than the Game of Thrones theme song. The crowd will go wild and start humming along and continue doing so well after the walk-up song is complete. The pitcher will be too scared to throw anything besides a meatball right down the middle in this situation.

A hitter could also combine nostalgia and badass with this version of the song.

 

Changing the Stereotype: Proof Women Are Funny

This week’s evidence, Amy Schumer. Apparently Comedy Central is powering a female comic revolution as a couple of weeks ago I talked about the hilarity of Broad City. This week I want to discuss its sketch show Inside Amy Schumer. Schumer found success in stand-up when she placed fourth a few years ago on Last Comic Standing. Her finish came as quite a surprise since she had only been doing stand-up for a couple of years. She’d previously had acting experience both on stage and television. This experience has helped her craft her top asset, delivery. As much as comedians who spend hours crafting and writing jokes don’t want to hear this, delivery is the most important aspect of comedy. Stand-up is a performance, so it is more important be an excellent performer over a great writer. There is a reason Judd Apatow stopped doing stand-up and became the successful writer/director/producer that he is today. Take a look at the performing chops Schumer displayed during her Last Comic Standing run.

Schumer’s success as a stand-up led to her getting a sketch comedy show, the aforementioned Inside Amy Schumer, last year. Her skills as a performer translate perfectly to TV, especially with the array of sketches on the show. Schumer’s best material comes out of turning stereotypes on their heads and her commitment to a bit. It is tough for me to say that anyone is topping Key and Peele in the half-hour sketch department, but the more I see from Schumer the more I’m convinced that she is the best in the game. Check out these skits as evidence.

There is noting too sacred or off limits with Schumer’s material. She simply tells the jokes and does the sketches that makes her laugh. This kind of commitment is necessary to create good comedy. A comedian should not be worried about how people will react to his or her material. It will throw off the whole bit. Either people love the material, don’t find it funny, or find it too offensive. But despite the financial success of Jay Leno’s career, good comedy cannot come out of playing it down the middle. Plus very few people can execute an all inclusive joke like Leno can, specifically without vomiting in their mouth. Inside Amy Schumer allows her to take the show wherever she wants and the end result is usually hilarious.

And lastly, watch this pitch perfect Sorkin parody – The Foodroom.

My Quest To Find Funny Women

It is cliche to say women aren’t funny. This is absolutely not true. It just happens that much like the female orgasm it is a lot harder to find examples of funny women compared to their male counterparts. It takes a lot of hard work and determination, but since I apparently lack the skills to make a woman cum I’m hoping to have more like with this funny business.

I will search every corner of the earth to find all the funny women that exist in order to change the stereotype and get people to accept women as funny. I’m basically like MLK. First up is a pair of women, Abbi Jacobson and Ilana Glazer, the creators of Comedy Central’s Broad City. This is the quintessential Millennial’s show of millennial women living in New York because unlike that much more praised show on HBO it is actually funny. I realize that my bias against Lena Dunham just came out and I need to stop being so bitter, but Broad City made me realize why I dislike Dunham’s show so much, it doesn’t pick a side. Is it a satire? A character study? A romantic comedy? What? It is fine to tightrope between multiple visions of your show, but you need to be a damn good writer to pull it off, which I do not find her to be. Her show just comes off as self-indulgent, bourgeois New York art crap that I despise so much. Alright, digression over. 

Jacobson and Glazer have a better understanding of exactly the type of show they want to make it and as a result their show is much funnier. They mix biting satire with absurdist humor and the result is a potent cocktail of laughs. The show in a highlights the ennui and self-importance of the Millennial generation in a highly comedic fashion.

If my seal of approval is not enough for you, then perhaps Leslie “fucking” Knope’s is. Amy Poehler loved the web series, of the same name, Glazer and Jacobson did that she backed it with her production company, Skyson. Her support was influential to getting the show on the air. Poehler knows how to pick a winner because the first season of the show, all episodes available on Hulu Plus, is a fast track candidate to enter my Great Lakes of best seasons of television ever. Seriously, check it out and try to tell me you don’t piss yourself from laughing.

I cannot wait to see what Jacobson and Glazer have for a follow up. Plus I have a new mission in life, do whatever it takes to work with and/or for them someday. I do not care what it takes to trick them into hiring me or convincing them to work together, I’ll do it. Even if it means killing a person, alright maybe not a person, but animals are definitely in play. And I certainly have no qualms with establishing an indentured sex servant agreement. 

Late Night Monotony – CBS Plays It Safe

CBS made official this morning what so many people had been speculating since David Letterman announced his retirement last Thursday, Stephen Colbert will take over the Late Show reigns next year. It is the logical choice, Colbert is part of the CBS/Viacom family and has been wildly successful with his arch-conservative parody Colbert Report. He brings the kind of social media cache that the networks have become all about with the Jimmys, Fallon and Kimmel. Colbert is a brilliant guy and he will definitely deliver a consistently funny product, but will anyone care?

Colbert is set to take the reigns starting next year.

Colbert is set to take the reigns starting next year.

Blue Ocean Strategy by W Chan Kim and and Renee Mauborgne is a book that conceptualizes a strategy to make competition irrelevant. The cornerstone of the strategy is to value innovation. By seeking a new, original product a company can make its competition irrelevant. It requires looking beyond demand and giving people something they didn’t know they wanted. By hiring another funny, intelligent middle-aged white guy CBS put itself in the same ocean as every other late night network, broadcast and cable. This makes the market highly competitive and Colbert is going to need to be that much better in order to succeed.

It does not come as much of a shock considering that CBS isn’t exactly known for its innovation, but in a twisted way much of their success has come from accidentally imploring a Blue Ocean Strategy. Over the past decade the other three broadcast networks, Fox, ABC, and NBC, have tried to get out in front of the the digital revolution and create programming designed for the millennial audience. The problem is that they greatly overestimated our generation’s interest in watching live television and chose innovative style over substance. CBS, on the other hand, went the opposite direction going with nostalgic throwbacks, multi-cam traditional sitcoms and police/investigative procedurals.  And it has worked like gangbusters for the most watched network since the turn of the Millenium. Now the other networks are trying to follow suit and have more CBS style programming in its schedule.

The only two men brave enough to employ a Blue Ocean Strategy.

The only two men brave enough to employ a Blue Ocean Strategy.

Unfortunately CBS is either unaware of its strategy or unwilling to apply it to its Late Night programming. Well, actually, still not entirely true. It does produce the most innovative of all late night programming in The Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson. Improvised monologues over pithy jokes about today’s hot topics. A gay, robot skeleton sidekick named Geoff Peterson as its Ed McMahon. Absolutely no prepared interviews with its guests. Ferguson has applied the blue ocean strategy to turn the late night genre on its head and it is the only one that I can actually sit through an entire episode of week to week. Sure the other shows have more viral videos that are funny the next day, but as a whole the shows are difficult to watch and 75% of the interviews are brutal to watch in its glaringly rehearsed structure.

The success and creativity of Ferguson’s show makes it even more frustrating that CBS chose to simply follow the same formula with Colbert. It could’ve been an opportunity bring a woman back to late night. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were both pipe dreams considering both are producing multiple shows this upcoming season and the latter still has a final season of Parks and Rec to get through. Chelsea Handler’s style is a bit aggressive and I’m not sure if she is likeable enough to host on her own. Ellen Degenres, coming off a successful Academy Award hosting gig, could’ve been an excellent out of the box choice. A lesbian hosting the Late Show almost 20 years after her coming out announcement helped drive her sitcom off the air would make for a great story. It would’ve been easy for her to stand out among her peers and bring in a new audience.

How much fun would it be to have these two on our TVs every night?

How much fun would it be to have these two on our TVs every night?

But simply choosing a host that stands out was not the only way CBS could’ve spiced things up. A change in format would make for a breath of fresh air. Perhaps something simple to start out like moving to a co-host format. A funny pair that can work off one another, say Key and Peele for example. Imagine them moving their sketch format to the big time on CBS and adding interview segments, and musical and comedic acts to it. Now that would create a buzz and become must watch TV. Perhaps they could’ve Godfathered Jon Stewart to do the Daily Show on CBS every night. It could remain exactly the same just add an extra guest and a musical act. Next to Ferguson and the Colbert character, Stewart is the best interviewer, so it would not hurt to give him more time with each guest. Even better, get rid of the traditional taped in front of a studio audience format all together. Take the show on the road, film more sketches, do more walking around town and talking to real people bits that still work, just like at Billy Eichner’s Billy on the Street for evidence. If the networks are really looking for more viral videos, then this format change will allow for it.

Perhaps when Colbert’s premiere date approaches we’ll learn that he has his own ideas on how to innovate the tired old format. I certainly wouldn’t be surprised by anything he might do as host, but as of right now it seems like CBS is happy treading water in the Red Ocean rather than taking a chance and swimming for the Blue.

Adopting World Views

The Metric System

Building off Eastyn’s 10.5 Things that are making my brain hurt article, why do we not use the metric system? For a country that is known for its laziness, we sure put a lot of work into conversion of measurements. 14269_195_1

Something is 21.5 miles away. How do we get a better understanding of how far that is? Our basic units of measurement are inches, feet, and yards before we get to miles. Okay, so there is 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, and…wait how many yards in a mile again? Look away while I do a quick google search and then pretend I knew the answer the entire time. 1,760 yards in a mile, wow. Alright, so I just have to divide, no multiply 21.5 by 1,760, let me pull out my phone and get a calculator. Damn it, my phone is dead cause its been searching for service all day. Damn you AT&T! Okay, playing Candy Crush might have also contributed. 

You know what would be easier? If we had a system of measurement where we only had to move the decimal point in order to make conversions. If we were in Europe, and something was 21.5 km away it would be easy to convert to the other basic unit of measurement, hectometer, decameter, meter, decimeter, centimeter, and all the way down to millimeter.

21.5 kilometers = 215 hectometers, 2,150 decameters, 21,500 meters, 215,000 decimeters, 2,150,000 centimeters, and 21,500,000 millimeters.

How easy was that? And the best part is all those prefixes carry over to any unit of measurement? Liters, grams, girth. Whatever you want to measure the metric system is easy to use. As a nation of immigrants, how did we not bring this with us through the gates at Ellis Island? Was it some sort of power move? A big fuck you to the rest of the world? “Hah, anyone can use your simple, universally agreed upon decimal system for measurement. The metric system is for pussies. Try converting feet into yards without using a calculator. Alright, we can’t do that either.” 

We have a better chance of reading a map without Sir's help, then using the metric system.

We have a better chance of reading a map without Sir’s help, then using the metric system.

Seriously though, it makes zero sense to me. Why has a politician never brought this up as a major issue in America? Education reform is a popular buzzword, but I’ve never heard of teaching the metric system as an essential aspect of said reform. Our non-sensical, dumbass system of measurement has become too ingrained in our lexicon. Can you imagine the outrage if Joe Buck applauded a fantastic 32 meter TD run by Adrian Peterson?  Roughly 35 yards, 34.88 to be a bit more exact. 

To highlight how messed up our system is the next unit of measuring distance after inches is centimeters. Centimeters? What did we start using the metric system and get bored? I really wish this is something that changes in my lifetime. But when I think of the overhaul that needs to happen and the confusion it will cause I know that it never will. Instead, I just have to hope I can get over our inability to use the easiest system ever invented.

The Friend Debate

For Nora Ephron, men and women are just puppets on her stage of love and laughs.

For Nora Ephron, men and women are just puppets on her stage of love and laughs.

Valentine’s Day is a day away, so love is a hot topic this week. Billy asked his dating machine about good romantic comedies and it brought up a classic, When Harry Met Sally. A movie that raises a classic debate, can men and women be platonic friends? The answer to that question is, yes, but it just very, very difficult. Let me clarify, it is very difficult for a man. There are only three reasons a man would not try to have sex with one of his female friends. One, they are in a committed relationship. Two, he would prefer to be “sacked” by Michael Sam. Or three, the friend is completely unattractive. And even that last one can be cured with a few beers on a Saturday night.

Before you call me a disgusting pig, let me clue you in on the proper perspective. Men, by nature, want to have a lot of sex. We are driven to spread our seed around as much as possible, to have a diverse sexual portfolio if you will. The fact that we are able to go against this very nature and have meaningful friendships with women is a monumental feat. A feat that we do not receive nearly enough credit for accomplishing.

If a dog started performing successful open heart surgeries on humans that would be a huge national story. Everyone would be talking about this Dog M.D. There would be countless articles, novels, TV spots, and movies about this incredible animal. Men being friends with women is on par with this, at least from the perspective of overcoming biological limitations. Yet instead of being celebrated as heroes, women choose to shower dogs with treats for menial tasks. Sit? Lay down? Fetch? Do these really deserve the reward of a delicious doggie treat? Dogs are designed to do all these things. We should not reward pets for doing something that comes natural to them.

Until dogs help cut down on my medical costs, they will not be getting any treats from me.

Until dogs help cut down on my medical costs, they will not be getting any treats from me.

Women being friends with men is easily accomplished for them. See they see men as someone they can potentially be in a relationship, even just a physical one, with or not. Once their mind is made up that is it. There is no crossover. Either you fall into the friend camp or the sexual one. Men just have one large camp and any woman in it could fill many roles. Friend, confidant, sexual partner, or girlfriend. A man can change his mind on a whim or few shots of Fireball.

It is silly to think that men and woman can never be friends. But it is important to understand the dynamic of these friendships. Ladies, try to appreciate the fact that we see you as the stunning, beautiful, and intelligent people that you are, and at a given moment we could express this with a sexual advance. And guys, try to understand that women do not have the same mindset as we do. If they view a man as a friend, then he is a friend and we must respect that opinion, whether we’d like to change it or not.

Now then, on the eve of Valentine’s Day 2014 let us consider this debate settled, once and for all.

WYW – Would You Rather Wednesday

Would you rather is my favorite way to start a question. It involves hypothetical situations with two options and you have to choose which of them you’d rather do or have happen to you. The key to a good would you rather question is to make the two options as equally good or bad as possible. It is supposed to be a mind bender for the person you’re asking.

It is always disappointing when a person does not like to play this game. The thought of not enjoying it seems as ridiculous as citations do to Shia Labeuf. However, over the years, instead of getting mad at these people I’ve come to realize that not everyone can be as imaginative as me. It makes people uncomfortable to think about ridiculous situations that will never come true. Instead of getting mad, I’ve decided to put my skills to good use and starting a seminar on answering would you rather questions. Each week I’ll post a new one and take you through the answer.

Our first question:

Would you rather have sex with a goat and no one know it? Or not have sex with a goat and everyone think you did?

Daniel Bryan has contemplated this question a few times before.

Daniel Bryan has contemplated this question a few times before.

The crux of this question is what can you do better, lie to yourself or deal with people opinion’s of you. On one hand, having sex with a goat would be a discussing, vile act that will scar you for the rest of your life. It could have long lasting implications on your sex life. Would a human be able to arouse you? Would you hear baaaa every time your sexual partner had an orgasm? Would you need the other person to wear horns in order to achieve full arousal? These questions and more must be considered when answering this question.

On the other hand, there is the comfort of knowing that you did not fuck a farm animal. But the key word here is everyone, as in all people on the face of the earth. Everywhere you go, every person is looking at you and whispering to their friends about you humping in the hay with a goat. Snickering while making jokes about your sexual proclivity for goats. Saying things like, “there’s the guy who puts in the ‘eieioooooooo’ in Old McDonald’s farm.”

How do you get a job when every person who interviews you thinks you fucked a goat? Will you ever be able to find a sexual partner again? Or will you be ostracized by all human beings to the point that the only thing left to have sex with is a goat, thus fulfilling all the comments people made about you?

It is frightening to think about both situations, which brings us back to our crux. A person of strong conviction might be able to handle every person in the world thinking they fucked a goat. And easily moving passed all the jokes and comments to the point that people get bored. Then as time passes and the boredom full sets in, everyone just ends up dropping it and the person is able to move on with their lives without ever having to fuck a goat.

Personally, I do not have this type of conviction. I would not be able to handle everyone thinking I did something that I didn’t. It would just lead to jumping around in place screaming and crying, “I didn’t have sex with a goat! Please believe me! Please believe me! Please!!!” (insert lake of tears) This is of course the easiest way to get people to not believe you at all. Therefore, I’d be known as a goat fucker for the rest of my life.

However, two things I am good at are lying to myself and keeping secrets. Yes, it would be the most disgusting event of my life. Cue someone saying, “I’ve seen you sleep with worse.” Self deprecation is the best defense. But I would be able to convince myself it never happened or that it was a really fucked up dream. It would go with me to my grave. Maybe it would be my last words. Just to get in a final confession. I’m confident that I’ll be able to do this much more than handling the everyone thinking I had sex with a goat when I certainly did not.

Every would you rather comes down to a simple crux that allows us to choose the path that better suits us. The more that we do together, the better we will all get.

Now it is your turn to answer.

The Women I Love

It would be easy to smile with her around.

It would be easy to smile with her around.

Caity Lotz

Billy continues to do a tremendous job of professing his love to the one woman of his dreams. It inspires me to continue to express mine to thousands of loves of my life.

I first fell in love with Caity Lotz when I saw her do a guest spot on Mad Men. Season four, the best season, episode two, Don stops in Los Angeles to see the original Mrs. Draper. As a bonus her super hot niece, Stephanie, stopped by and hit the town with Anna and Don. Lotz looked spectacular, the perfect California blonde. The Beach Boys would’ve changed their song to “I Wish They All Could Be Caity Lotz.”

The perfect California beauty of the 1960s

The perfect California beauty of the 1960s

Now, this was during the Don Draper drinks himself into a stupor season and on the way down to rock bottom the show had him make a move on young Stephanie. A pretty despicable move considering how much Anna meant to him and how young she was at the time. Most fans were disgusted by the action, but I wasn’t, not in the least bit. She was far too hot that I would’ve been offended if he didn’t make a move. In fact of all the women Don has ever interacted with I would want Stephanie to be the one he rides off into the sunset with at the end of the series.

Alas, it was a fleeting love. Lotz only appeared in that episode with a couple of cameo appearances sprinkled throughout the season. I thought that she was lost to me forever. But destiny has a way of rearing it’s beautiful head at the most opportune moment. Lotz came back to me last fall on one of my new favorite shows, Arrow.

As if it wasn’t joy enough just to have her back on my TV, but this time she got to play a kick ass vigilante, Black Canary. Nothing is sexier than a woman than an incredibly hot women who is also strong enough to kick anyone’s ass. Instead of simply being the personification of Dan Wilson’s dreams, she gets to do this kind of stuff.

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She is a huge part of improving Arrow’s second season. Yes, part of it is just getting to look at her each week, but she brings a lot of charisma and pathos to her role. It is impossible to not care about her and the character she plays. Lotz has both a kick-ass physique and a sweet, beautiful face, which emotes both a strong independent woman and a damsel in distress. This is a deadly combination. You can’t decide if you need to save her or stand back to watch her kick some serious ass. She has the power to draw a man, or woman, in and keep them mesmerized.

Who wouldn't want to wake up to that?

Who wouldn’t want to wake up to that?

I hope for the sack of humanity that Caity becomes a huge international star, but selfishly I hope she just keeps getting cast in shows that I like. She is my small independent band, I recognize that she has the immense talent for the big time, but I want her to be my secret and a dirty little one at that.

**Update** Big news. Not sure how I’m just learning about this now, but Billy has actually met Caity Lotz when he worked at Preferred Content. He was Ross Dinerstein’s, founder and head honco, assistant and the first big movie they produced was The Pact starring, the one and only, Caity Lotz. Needless to say my mind is blown and I know what I will be watching this weekend.

Speaking of dirty, this next material is slightly NSFW, so precede with caution.

Now, that is just unfair.

Now, that is just unfair.

Speaking of dirty, watch this next video with caution as it is slightly NSFW.

Fuck This Guy – A State of the American Workforce

Shit. Here comes that co-worker, I better pretend I’m busy with some important emails or something. Or better yet I can hide out in the supply closet. No, no, he always goes there to get someone extra supplies as a “favor.” Yeah, some favor, now I have to talk to him for twenty minutes. Oooo, bathroom, yeah the bathroom is a safe place. Wait, no, last time he followed me and did a Sorkin walk and talk, then proceeded to wait outside the stall. I even tried to fake diarrhea, but he wouldn’t budge.

No one likes when this guy stops by to say, "Hi."

No one likes when this guy stops by to say, “Hi.”

What? Don’t look at me like that through your computer screens. I’m talking about that over exuberant co-worker who greets you like a father coming back from war every time he sees you. The co-worker who lingers by your desk like a wizard with a twisted sense of humor cast a spell on him just to fuck with you. Or he is playing a game of freeze tag, but no one else is participating. I can’t stand this guy.

I don’t trust anyone who goes out of their way to be nice all the time. What are you hiding? Are you a cannibal? Are you sizing up my skin to see if it would make a nice set of curtains in your new living room? Just tell me because nobody can possibly be this nice all the time. Stop, just stop. 

The worst part is that these people always asking what’s going on with you or how you’re doing. Then as you speak, just nod with a shit eating grin on their face. They might as well hold up a neon sign saying, “I’m not listening. I’m just nodding and waiting for your lips to stop moving, so I can tell you about my life.” And they always open with some dumb shit, like how they’re doing really well in pottery class or just bought the perfect frame for their Donnie Darko poster. If I ever open up my Monday with how great my trip to pottery barn was, just do me a favor and shoot me in the head.

Oooo, so close, Little Kevin. I guess that is one good way to end the gene pool.

Oooo, so close, Little Kevin. I guess that is one good way to end the gene pool.

These people get even worse as they get older. Instead of bragging about some stupid shit about themselves, they just babble about the stupid shit their kids did. “I was at Kevin’s little league game on Saturday. He’s becoming quite the ball player. He had a double and made a catch in the outer field.” Guess what, I don’t give a shit about little Kevin. His .250 batting average in Pony ball has zero effect on my life. He’s not on his way to the big leagues. No, instead he will just carry on your shitty deoxyribonucleic acids and continue this cycle of suck.

Why can’t these people leave me alone? Don’t they have work to do? No, of course not, they are the product of the broken American work environment. Politicians like to talk about the broken education system, but I’d like to get a lobbyist to help change a work environment that over employs people with nothing to do 90% of the day. It leads to people having too much free time and breeds soul sucking employees.

I constantly get complimented on my work ethic, shameless plug, but every time I feel guilty cause I do not feel like I’ve earned it. My job allows me to spend half my time scrolling through list after list on Buzzfeed, read my favorite TV critic, Alan Sepinwall, and even Zach Lowe’s anthology length breakdown of the NBA. During the football season, my free time at work led to me dominating two different leagues and becoming a double champion. Yet, my work ethic stands out enough to warrant compliments.

Oh no, not Aunt Susan and Uncle Jeremiah! Damn you, Manifest Destiny.

Oh no, not Aunt Susan and Uncle Jeremiah! Damn you, Manifest Destiny.

What has happened, America? All I can say is thank God there are no more undiscovered territories because we would never settle it. 150 years ago people packed up their families and traveled by wagon thousands of miles because it was their destiny, their Manifest Destiny. People plowed through rough terrain, terrible weather, and forged rivers, with almost no food while half of them died of dysentery. Or at least that is what I learned from the game, Oregon Trail.

This idea is mind blowing to our generation. We order pizza’s to be delivered even when it is only a half mile away. Hell, I stopped seeing a girl cause she lived in Los Feliz and I’m in Venice. I know, a little too LA with that reference. For Chicago people, it would be like living in River North and dating someone from Waukegan. For people from any other city, go fuck yourselves. Alright, a little harsh, I just do not know the geographic layout of any other city to make an apt analogy. Back to my point, not even sex is enough for me to drive 25 miles, yet manifest destiny was enough for thousands of people to travel thousands of miles via Covered Wagon. For the record, sex is enough, but after a few times, I mean we get it. It runs its course, lets move forward.

Our rapidly decelerating work ethic is the major reason why so many Americans are afraid of the Chinese taking over. I’m not one to promote fear mongering, but in this case the fears are very real. China is taking over, it is only a matter of time. We shouldn’t even bother fighting it, not like we could anyway. Let’s embrace it. Isn’t it time for a change? It gets boring having the same country on top of the world. Right, John Cena? China as the top world power just allows for so many new world story lines. Is Russia a

Did Obama already cut a deal to give up his job to China too?

Did Obama already cut a deal to give up his job to China too?

potential partner or will they get jealous and try to stab China in the back? How does this affect turmoil in the Middle East? How long till Japan attempts a full nation kamikaze on Bejing? It is all a great mystery. The only thing I know for sure is that we will embrace our first Chinese President and history will never allow anyone to say a bad word about him ever. Right, George Washington?

Shit, he’s still standing next to my desk. Someone come and tag this guy, so he can move on to bothering some other cynical asshole.