20 Something Life

My Sitcom Bar

One of my favorite things about sitcoms is that the main characters always hang out at the same place. It seemed so cool to me as a kid. All your friends meet up at the same location every day without ever making plans and just shoot the shit in a hilarious manner, seemed like the perfect life. One downside to working in the television industry is learning that the reason for a “hangout place” isn’t based on anything in reality, but rather a way to save money since the less shooting locations there are, the cheaper the cost. 

I’ve always wanted a sitcom hangout of my own and with all due respect to the Central Perk, Monk’s Diner, and Chubbies, I want my hangout to be a bar. There is just something more appealing about a place to meet up for a pint with your friends to bitch about your day at work, relive great moments, and maybe play a game of darts or pool. Plus the added bonus of becoming a “regular” where the bartenders know you buy name, give you special deals, and let you pay your bar tab whenever you want cause they know you’ll be back. A young professional’s life is busy and stressful. We worry about our jobs, having enough money to pay rent, our future, etc. It does not leave us much time to sit back and relax with our closest friends.

Besides my roommates, I sometimes go weeks without seeing some of my closest friends in Los Angeles. Our lives get so busy that we’re too tired to do anything during the week, which leaves us only the weekends to hangout. The problem there is that weekend trips come up, taking them out of town, or they have a lot of things to catch up on since it is their only time off or they’re too tired from a long week to hangout. The point is that the weekends are limited and not always ideal to spend a lot of time with friends.

This is why I’m on a quest to find my own sitcom bar. A place where my friends and I can meet up for an hour or two during the week when we’re free. A bar to call our own, so that no matter what we’ll always have friends to share a beer and shoot the shit. Before I decide on a place, I thought it would be best to take a look at some of the best sitcom bars in television history in order to structure my search.

HIMYM-MACLARENS

I’m all about a bar being below street level, no matter how slightly below that may be.

MacLaren’s Pub – How I Met Your Mother 

Television’s best Friends replacement made the smart move of having a bar be its main hangout instead of a coffee shop. As far as sitcom bars go MacLaren’s is pretty solid. It has nice booths, which is always a plus. If you’re going to convince everyone to come to the same bar all the time, then it should be a comfortable spot. The coolest aspect of the bar is the fact that it is below street level. Any bar that has this feature scores huge bonus points in my book. Another bonus to MacLaren’s pub is that it seems to bring in a lot of beautiful single people, based on the number of romantic relationships, or conquests in Barney’s case, that got started there. However, the best thing MacLaren’s has going for itself is convenience. It is literally located directly under the main apartment where half the characters live. A convenient location is key to a great sitcom bar. It cannot be a chore for people to get to or else they will lose motivation to keep coming back.

It is not a perfect sitcom bar though. It is pretty small. I would prefer a more spacious bar if I’m going to hang out there all the time. Plus the characters never sit at the bar, another bad sign. If you’re going to become a “regular” at a bar, then you need to get along with the bartenders and the other regulars. This way you don’t need to wait for your friends in order to show up at the same time. You can just head straight to the bar and tell the bartenders about your shitty day. The final nail in the coffin though is that it does not appear that MacLaren’s has any bar games. This is a huge deal breaker for me. Any place with darts and pool has my attention. If there is shuffle board, then I might try to live there. 

Ultimately, although it is a pretty cool bar, MacLaren’s is not the sitcom bar for me.

MC

Crowley’s – My Boys 

This is one of the lesser known sitcom bars considering that the show it comes from, My Boys, was an overlooked and underrated show for the four seasons it aired on TBS. A much more spacious bar then MacLaren’s, which that alone puts it ahead, but the greatest part of Crowley’s is that it not only has bar games, darts and pool, but also a large collection of board games. As a self professed board game geek this is an amazing attraction. The opportunity to drink and play Risk, Operation, Scrabble, Categories, or any other various games is hard to pass up. There is also a great neighborhood feel to Crowley’s. It is not trying to pretend to be a gastropub or a trendy club or a hipster haven, it is just happy being a neighborhood bar.

my-boys-cast-photo-crowleys

There really isn’t a downside to Crowley’s. If I’m nitpicking, then I suppose one of my arguments against MacLaren’s holds up against it too. The bartenders and staff were not a big part of the show, so it is unclear what kind of relationship there is to be had on that front. But it hits the rest of my criteria and earns plenty of bonus points. Did I mention it has a slew of board games? Crowley’s is just about the perfect sitcom bar and a great example to use while searching for mine.

Paddy’s Pub – It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia 

A good dive bar makes it easy to judge it by its cover.

A good dive bar makes it easy to judge it by its cover.

I love me a good dive bar and it does not get much more divey than Paddy’s. Our first sitcom bar where not only do we know the bartenders and staff, but they are the five main characters on the show. This combined with what is sure to be cheap beers, if they even remember to charge me at all, makes Paddy’s an ideal location. The great thing about dive bars is that you do not feel any pressure to dress up or make a good impression. People go to a dive to throw back some cheap beers and escape life for a little while. You can wear whatever you like and do whatever you like within the context of the law.

The problem is that not everybody can get on board with the dive bar experience. They need cleanliness and proper lighting while they’re drinking. Pretentious bastards. Plus I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a customer in Paddy’s besides Rickety Cricket. A good sitcom bar should feel slightly private and certainly provide an atmosphere that makes it easy to talk. But it should also sometimes have a lively, fun and young crowd to provide the opportunity to meet some new people. Preferably the attractive, intelligent, funny, and wild future Mrs. Demetrio. Sadly these reasons keep Paddy’s from being able to jump Crowley’s and take the Yellow Jersey as my lead, ideal example to follow for my quest.

But it does have live music…

Cheers – Cheers

Before the executive producers of My Boys start celebrating for creating my ideal sitcom bar, they need to check themselves and bow down to the king, Cheers. It may be the obvious and boring answer, but that doesn’t mean that it is the wrong one. Boring, obvious answers are almost always the right answer, we just do not like to admit it cause it is boring and obvious.

 

As a kid I used to sneak out of my room to watch re-runs of Cheers on TV Land. It played the entire series weeknights and I watched all 271 episodes in order. I took away two things, one it is the best sitcom ever made and two, Cheers (the bar) is the most magical place on Earth. The theme song says it all, “where everybody knows you’re name.” Those five simple words is all the criteria one needs when searching for their own sitcom bar. Besides that the bar actual has a lot of great features. It is below street level, which I already mentioned is a huge bonus. Cheers is very spacious and has a great lay out, a big square shaped bar in the middle that makes it easy to carry on conversations with anyone at the bar, and it’s own side game room to get super competitive with your friends while allowing you the comfort of not everyone in the bar seeing you throw a hissy fit after scratching on the 8-ball. Plus it is a place that allows you to do something as crazy as this…

It is just the perfect bar and the best example to use in my search for a sitcom bar. In the weeks to come I’ll be going out to various bars in LA to see how close they come to meeting my criteria, based on the things I like from all my favorite sitcom bars. I’ll share my findings and then you can help me choose what will finally become my sitcom bar. I look forward to sharing this quest with you and finally getting to the place where everybody knows my name.

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Love at Second Sight – It’s a Thing, Millennials.

The millennial generation is obsessed with instant feedback, breaking news, and kneejerk reactions. We want information two minutes ago, and we want to have formed an opinion on that info and sent it out into the social media stratosphere one minute ago. We troll people in the YouTube comment section, take pride in knowing Kanye and Kim’s wedding plans before our friends, and compete for the most likes on Instagram.

Great graphic courtesy of mobilemarketingwatch.com.

Great graphic courtesy of mobilemarketingwatch.com.

These habits are burned into our subconscious. After all, we’re the generation that first fucked around with Napster, rushed home to use AIM to talk to people we just saw five minutes ago, and showed our parents how to use and iPod.

Every generation has its problems. A lot of the time, we deal with the same issues our parents and grandparents did, except our version of the issues wears skinny jeans. Our issues are different in appearance only.

One of my main problems with our generation is that we are too obsessed with love at first sight. We want to realize things too fast. We want everything now. There’s never any time to gain context or perspective.

I do believe that some people fall in love when they first meet. I’m a romantic and that will never change. My issue isn’t with the idea with love at first sight. I’m just upset more people don’t build in time for self-realization, personal growth, and added experience. People don’t look for love at second sight.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating living in the past. I am advocating looking to the past for answers about the future. Self-evaluation. Honest reflection. Why’d you act a certain way toward that guy or girl? Was there a reason you went on that a manwhore binge? Trying not to deal with something? Is there a reason you drunk text the same person all the time? Can’t get someone out of your mind?

For every cutesie story about love working out in romantic comedy-like fashion, there are five stories about love growing a different way. I used to be naïve enough to think falling in love could only happen in movie fashion. Meet girl. Fall for girl. Girl falls for you. Ninety hilarious minutes ensue and you live happily ever after.

Then I learned the hard way that sometimes you realize how you truly feel about someone long after the most opportune moment has passed. I don’t want to get into details about my own story. I would rather pass on the advice that I learned in a series of (hopefully) helpful bullet points.

Here’s Why Love at Second Sight Is a Thing:

We keep growing. Or at least we should. The version of you 3-4 years ago is most likely different than you now. I’m not saying you need to be different people all the time, but it’s important to find out more about yourself as this life thing goes along. Therefore, the person you have become might look back on an old friend and say, “Holy shit. That’s the Sally to my Harry. I’m an idiot.”

Missed connections. In baseball, if you get a hit one out of every three times you go up to bat, you go to the Hall of Fame. In life and love, it’s okay to swing and miss a lot. Sometimes you and someone else don’t connect the first time around. If you think about them a lot, and they haven’t made it clear they aren’t into you, it’s not ridiculous to take another swing. Just make sure it’s the right pitch. Don’t go up to the plate with no plan and swing at a ball over your head.

The Step By Step theme song. This song really sucks. It’s also disturbingly beautiful. It actually has a lot of life lessons. “We’ll be better the second time around.”

America. God damn it. In this country, we love redemption stories. Anyone’s got a chance if they work hard to get what they want. Another naïve view? Yeah, probably. But I think there’s something to messing up and learning what you did wrong.

Those are just a few reasons why we should slow things down and take a second look once in a while. Gain perspective. Get a larger sample size. Live and learn before you love wildly. You might just be able to love wilder.

I’m Done Giving A Shit

My whole life I’ve asked the same incessant question, “What will everybody else think?” Or some variation, “Will they like me? Are they going to make fun of me? Will I have no friends?” These questions have crippled me. I’ve made choices based not on what I want or feel, but what I think others expect or want of me. Today, it ends. I’m done caring what others think of me, if they like the choices I make or will think I’m a weirdo, cause we’re all fucking weirdos. Let me be clear, I’m not talking about being an inconsiderate asshole to everyone around me that would not be productive either. I’m talking about looking inside of me for what I feel or what I want to do. We all have to share this planet with the people around us, but there is a difference between being considerate and letting others dictate your life. i-dont-give-a-shit

The biggest problem with caring so much about what others think of you is that you fail to create an identity. Everything is about how others will expect you to think or act. It’s impossible to figure out who you are as a person when you let others dictate your decisions. This is why I struggle to express my emotions or communicate my feelings with others because I’m not really sure what they are. I know what I’m supposed to feel or the answer that will make the people I’m talking to happy and comfortable, but I don’t know if that is really how I feel. I became such a good bull shitter in order to get people to like me that I don’t even know what’s the truth anymore. What it is I really like or feel.

High school was the peak of this destructive behavior. I would’ve done anything, or as was more often the case, not done anything in order to get people to like me. Despite my love for writing and performing I did nothing with the theater department in my high school because of the way other kids made fun of them. I was too scared to be one of those kids, so instead I did nothing. I was too afraid to express my interest in girls I really liked because other people did not find them attractive. I just shelled up and did whatever I thought would make me look cool. Drink beers, smoke cigarettes, I remember a low point was when I went garage shopping in my neighborhood and stole beers out of garage fridges from kids I went to elementary school with. But I thought it would make people like me, so I was far too scared to say no.

This guy and I both have some work ahead of us.

This guy and I both have some work ahead of us.

In the years since high school this behavior has certainly improved, but it is like a morbidly obese person bragging about losing enough weight to become simply obese. We both have a long way to go to fully improve ourselves. But as the days pass and the years add up I realize that I need to start living the life that I want. I need to do an introspective and figure out what it is that will make me happy. Who are the people I want to surround myself with? There is the life that is expected of me, but that doesn’t mean that it is the right one. A person cannot be truly productive if he or she is not happy with the life they’re living. Doubt creates resentment and resentment builds to anger, depression with each passing year. A life fulfilled requires happiness as it allows commitment and life cannot be truly lived till we commit to it.

Starting today, I end all the bull shit. I’m not going to tell you the answer you want to hear, I’ll tell you the truth. When you ask me how my day was, I’m not just going to say “good, how about yours?” I’ll tell you how it was. For awhile the answer may be , “I don’t know,” cause right now I don’t. I’m not sure what it is I want or how it is I feel. In many ways I’m still a newborn, a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. All I need to do is pick up the brush.

Open Question to Women: Are You All Squirters?

Was it good for you? This is the question most man ask a woman in post-coitus. It is typically asked in a concerned tone because we both hope that they enjoyed themselves, but also know the possibility is very high that they did not. Women never have to worry about asking men that since we have a distinct release that lets them know just how good of a time we just had. And while I have faked an orgasm before in order to mercifully end the night and get to sleep, I will go out on a limb and say that is a lot less than women do it.

The differences between a male and female orgasm are as vast as Donald Sterling and reality. Ours are quick, powerful, and provide a nice escape. Women’s are challenging, intense, and satisfying on a deeper level. The mind also plays a much bigger part in accomplishing the latter, while the former is much more a physical release like sweating or farting. It seems unfair that such a challenging thing to accomplish depends on taking someone’s word for it when you do accomplish said feat. It would be like winning a Mario Cart Grand Prix and then having no trophy ceremony. I want my damn trophy. This is where squirting comes into play.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

According to Women’s Health writer Rebecca Chalker, “Female ejaculation is one of the most hotly debated questions in modern sexology.” Reports vary from as small as 6% to as high as 69% of women experiencing female ejaculation. That is quite the discrepancy in statistics. Normally I would say the truth falls somewhere in the middle, but in this case I have another theory, it is actually 100% of women who can and should experience female ejaculation. The variance does not come from differences in female anatomy, but rather their sexual partners ability to get them to the climax state required to ejaculate. The problem lies with us ladies, not you. Well except for the ladies who prefer the company of other ladies, then that is on you. 

I know what a lot of men are saying, “but I’ve never been with a squirter?” To which I reply, exactly. Look it is just a theory, but the law of gravity started with a theory after an apple hit Isaac Newton in the head, so I think I’m standing on some sturdy ground here. I thought it would be best to reach out and ask the people whom this affects the most. So, what do you think ladies? Is it possible that all of you are capable of a female ejaculation? Have men been robing you the opportunity to put a money shot in our face? If so, as someone who took two gender studies courses in college and considers himself a feminist, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”

 

My Perfect Sunday

One major change I’ve noticed in my post-college life is my favorite day of the week. Back in elementary and high school it was Friday, the standard flashy pick. Back then it was a day to slack off in class, hang out with your buddies, play video games and order pizza, and then eventually to grab a 30 rack and hang out in the park till we heard about a party that night. It was a great, exciting release from the boredom of the school week.

In college, it was a tie between Thursday and Saturday. The school week was less boring and monotonous, so Fridays lost some appeal. Thursday nights became the biggest party night of the week. The bars always had the best deals and people either didn’t have class on Fridays or didn’t care enough to show up. Then Saturdays always brought the best day parties, whether tailgating in the fall or making up for the lack of tailgating by throwing the biggest ragers in the spring, Saturdays always brought something big to the table.

However, my new favorite day of the week has appropriately landed on the day of rest, Sundays. I used to dread Sundays as a kid. Between dressing up in uncomfortable clothes, to sit on uncomfortable wooden pews, and listen to a man that made me feel uncomfortable for an hour and the reminder that the weekend is over, Sundays sucked. Nowadays I’m too tired from the work week to make Fridays truly count on a weekly basis and while Saturdays bring a fair share of day parties/brunches it does not bring the same level of joy as Sundays.

What was once Sunday’s weakness, being the end of the weekend and beginning of another week, is now its strength. I appreciate Sundays because it is my last chance to enjoy the weekend before another monotonous week begins. It brings higher stakes to everything that I do. Do I want to release some more steam before I go back to work? Then it is time for a boozy brunch and swing by my favorite beach bar, Big Dean’s. Do I have more errands I need to run? Well, let me think about if it will improve my life in a significant way, otherwise I’m not going to waste my Sunday. I could get some extra activities in, play tennis, golf, go for a run, hit the beach for some volleyball, or pump some iron on the Bowflex in the garage.

Sundays make me think about what is important to me and make sure I accomplish that before the weekend is over, even if that means accomplishing sitting on my couch doing nothing while I catch up on all the TV I missed during the week. Speaking of TV, Sunday has the best of the whole week. Between 10 straight hours of non-stop football in the fall and prestigious cable television at night, Sunday TV brings it all year round. And at this moment is my perfect Sunday TV lineup.

Currently playing on Sunday nights is my most exciting show on Television, Game of Thrones. As thrilling as it was to watch Walter White cook his last batch of crystal blue persuasion and as mesmerizing as Harrellson and McConoughey were for the 8 week stretch of True Detective, no show matches Thrones as far as thrills. It’s really unfair to compare it to any other show because it is at such a higher scale. There is a vast number of characters that are intertwined in a complicated plot that I have no idea where it is heading. The anticipation of what is going to happen next and how everything is going to come crashing together seals it as the most exciting show on television.

Also playing on HBO on Sundays is my current top comedy on television, Veep. Certain shows may give me bigger laughs, but none is more consistently enjoyable. Julia Louis Dreyfus is his a Grand Slam week in and week out. I never would’ve bet on her creating a more iconic character that Elaine Benes, but as far as I’m concerned she has done it. Dreyfus is first ballot TV Hall of Famer and it is a pleasure to watch her work week in and week out and Veep would be great if it were just her surrounded by a crap cast, but luckily for TV viewers the cast around her more than holds their own. “My Girl” Anna Chumsky wipes away all traces of her child stardom by playing the constantly bitter Amy Brookheimer. Speaking of breaking away from past characters, despite playing another character with attachment issues Tony Hale’s Gary Walsh is nothing like Buster Bluth. Phenomenal blogger and big time Chicago Bears’ fan Matt Walsh is pitch perfect as sad sack Media Specialist, Mike McClintock. And Timothy Simons Jonah Ryan is the comedic gift that keeps on giving.

Rounding out my Sunday lineup is my favorite show on television, Mad Men. It may not be the most exciting show or the funniest, but there is no show that is more of a pleasure to watch. Don Draper is the most fascinating character to grace television screens since Tony Soprano ordered onion rings for the table. Last week I talked about what I want to be when I grow, the focal point of everyone’s life. Don has that same desire, which is why he constantly reinvents himself. He’s searching for what will get him the attention and praise that he so covets.

It is a shame that Jon Hamm will most likely never win an Emmy for this role. He is up against the stiffest competition in Male Lead Actor Drama Series history. The winners since Hamm became eligible, Bryan Cranston (2008-2010), Kyle Chandler (2011), Damian Lewis (2012), and Jeff Bridges (2013). Cranston’s Walter White will most likely be the more remembered character in the annals of TV History, but Hamm’s performance is more impressive. He brings so many layers and can deliver a well of emotion with a subtle look.

People like to throw around the term, slow, when referring to Mad Men, but what that really means is that the plot movements linger in order to delve into how it affects each character. Rather than ripping through plot developments, Mad Men lets its characters breathe. It allows the audience to gain a greater understanding of each’s thoughts, feelings, and emotions, which is a good because these characters are all complicated and none is very easy to understand. I know that I’m in the minority, but I’d gladly do away with thrills in order to get more three dimensional human characters rather than vessels for dramatic, action packed events.

Mad Men is the perfect cherry to my current ice cream “Sunday” of a lineup.

What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

I finally realized what I want to be when I grow up. Correction, I finally figured out what I wanted to be when I grow up. The reason for the past tense is that my realization came with another, I can never be what I wanted to be. Before everyone gets all, you can do whatever you put your mind to rah-rah on me, let me explain. The thing I’ve always wanted to be is the lead character of my own show.

Lead characters have always fascinated me because they are the focal point of everyone and thing in their lives. Who were these Masters of the Universe? Gods among men? From Zack Morris who could, cue Chris Tragger voice, literally stop time to Tommy Pickles whom had the undying loyalty of his best friends Chuckie, Phil, and Lil.

Is it weird that a baby was my hero growing up?

Is it weird that a baby was my hero growing up?

I’ve always wanted to be that person. The guy everyone in his life thinks about constantly. What is he thinking? Let’s ask him what to do? Any time anyone is struggling with something they come to me first. I wanted to be the Jack Bauer, the Olivia Pope, the Oliver Queen of my life. Only life does not work like a TV show. There is not one lead character, but rather 7 billion.

The problem with wanting to be the Master of my Universe is that people become pawns rather than human beings with their own thoughts, feelings, and concerns. It also becomes far too easy to get angry. Why aren’t people talking about me? How come no one has called me or text me in the last two hours? Everyone should want to do exactly what I want. Why don’t they agree with me? Don’t they know how awesome I am? These are the thoughts of someone who wants to be the center of everyone’s attention and it is a destructive mindset. Beyond being completely delusional, it shows complete apathy for the people in my life.

Now I have something new I want to be when I grow up. I want to be a loyal friend, a hard worker, a caring son who makes his parents proud, and a loving husband and father. Life might not be a TV show and I’ll never experience the power of being a lead character, but I do have parents that love me for than life itself, far too many friends that would drop everything if I needed them to, and of course all of you, an undisclosed amount, of loyal readers. As far as I’m concerned, Zack Morris and Tommy Pickles can stuff it, I’ll take my life over theirs any day.

Open Question to Women: Why are you so enchanting?

Last week I was sitting at my desk trying to look busy, something I’ve mastered, when I heard someone say my name. I looked up to find an attractive woman, probably in her late 30s/early 40s, standing over my desk. My first thought, “Oh my God, she’s here to have sex with me.” How disgusting is that? Beyond the disgust, how delusional could I be? Why would a beautiful woman, whom I never met, go out of her way to find me just to have sex with me? Yet I was so struck by her beauty that my mind was just filled with unrelenting hope. I was blind to all rational thought.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

Only men are delusional enough to think they can pull off a three-way.

I wish I could say it was the first time I was so delusional, but I’d be lying. Men are easy prey. It does not take us long to fall in love with a woman, well technically  it is more lust than love. Woody Allen said it best, “Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with. Especially if it is your daughter because they have to love you, unconditionally.” There is some debate about that last line. For men, all relationships start with emotional decisions based on looks and how a woman makes us feel. There is no time to think things through, it is just feel, then act. This is why a man walks away from a 10-minute conversation with a woman he finds attractive thinking, “Oh yeah, she wants me.” We just cannot get it through our thick skulls that women do not operate in the same way as us. You guys are so much more rational when it comes to love. It needs to make sense in your head. Do I like spending time with this person? Will they be a trust worthy partner? Does he make me laugh? Will he be responsible as he gets older? Can he properly raise children? These are all intelligent thoughts that never once cross a man’s mind when pursuing a relationship.

As damaging as this process can be I don’t think there is any changing it. Women are just too damn enchanting, us men don’t stand a chance. A bitchy woman gets a bad rap, but most of them are very attractive people, so I actually think in a strange way they are being very nice. It is unfair when a beautiful woman is also incredibly nice, fun, and funny. Every man on the planet is going to fall in love with her and unless she also believes in polygamy she will be letting down a lot of poor saps that think they have a chance. By being a bitch, rather then a nice person, she is weeding out all the pretenders whom would never get to be with her anyway. To me that is one of the nicest things to do.

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

Is this flirting or just a friendly laugh? Tell me damn it!

But it is hard to be a bitch constantly, so lets try to work out some kind of compromise, ladies. A code word or series of code words should be created to start every conversation between men and women. By using these code words at the start, men will know the exact intents of the conversation they are having. It can be as simple as “Hey, I’m here to talk or I need a question answered,” when women have no sexual interest in the man. But if there is sexual interest, then start the conversation with a “Hey there hot stuff, I’m interested in seeing under the hood.” Boom, now we know we’re in and can let our imagination run wild. There should also be code words used at ends of conversations so we know whether or not we just progressed beyond the friend zone. Again, something simple, “This was a pleasant conversation,” for when a woman isn’t interested and “This was a pleasant conversation, I can’t wait to rock your world soon,” for when a woman is interested in banging.

I hope this is not too much to ask, ladies, because my life is dedicated to you and your enchanting ways. I’m just trying to come up with a solution that prevents me from being such a yuppy and a pig. Perhaps a simpler solution would be for you to just explain to me what makes you so enchanting? How do you make me loose all logical thought? What do you do to convince me that I have a chance to sleep with? Or maybe most important, why is that my top priority whenever your’e around?

As always, I look forward to your answers.

No, Virginia, There Isn’t A Santa Claus

The worst thing you can do is lie. Or at least that is what my parents would tell me time and time again growing up. Being the smart ass that I was, still am, when I would get caught in a lie I’d always counter with the fact that my parents had lied to me for nearly 10 years of my life. Granted I’m partly to blame for believing that there was a fairy whom collected teeth that I lost and gave me a quarter for it. Who would be dumb enough to have that business model? The cost of flying all over the world constantly buying teeth. I mean how much could a baby teeth be worth on the market? For believing that a bunny came and hid eggs on the day our lord and savior Jesus Christ rose and brought us to salvation. And that there was a fat, jolly man that flew around the world giving presents to every little boy and girl in one night. Plus he is afraid of doors, so he chooses to enter via the chimney.

No wonder The Rock came back to the WWE. He lost all his money in the Teeth Import/Export Industry.

No wonder The Rock came back to the WWE. He lost all his money in the Teeth Import/Export Industry.

Lies, all of them. Sure they were not the most deceitful lies since the fairy didn’t come unless I told my parents. The bunny always hid the eggs in the exact same spot. And Santa’s handwriting was suspiciously similar to my Mom’s. Never the less, still lies. “But it’s the good kind of lie. The kind that spreads childhood wonder and joy.” Easy there, Pandora, have you not learned your lesson about opening your box? Don’t get me wrong, I do think that lying can be a good thing. It is impossible to live without telling lies, but these childhood fables are not the kind that improve lives in fact they promote the bad kind of lies. The one’s we tell ourselves.

I lie almost daily and the majority of these lies are to myself. I lie to convince myself I live in a world where a fat jolly man brings presents just for me. A world where I’m special and good things are supposed to happen to me. “I can eat that doughnut, I’m not getting fatter. It’s okay to slack off at work, I’m going to become a millionaire TV writer someday. She’s a idiot and going to be miserable the rest of her life because I’m the only man whom can please her.” The problem with the lies of Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and all the rest is that it creates this fairy tale world for kids that becomes so comforting that the reality becomes harder to handle as we get older.

“Santa has been around for centuries and generations have been able to grow up just fine.” The Santa of the past was a modest one. He might bring you one present, maybe two if you’re lucky and he certainly did not have the PR department he does now. The commercialization of Christmas has turned Santa into a mega corporation. He is everywhere from October through December. Everything is bigger, brighter, and more expensive. The Santa fallacy has gotten out of control, which is why I’ve decide that I will not spread it to my children. The buck stops here. It won’t be some fairy with no business acumen handing out quarters for lost teeth. No bunny will be hopping around hiding colored eggs for some strange reason. And no present under the tree will read, “From, Santa.”

What the fuck happened to this bunny growing up that makes him want to hide colored eggs?

What the fuck happened to this bunny growing up that makes him want to hide colored eggs?

I know, I know how awful of me. How could I scar my children like that? We’ll see whose laughing by the time all our kids grow up. But even before then I’ll enjoy a wonderful childhood with them all. By not lying to them my kids will understand that there is an open line of conversation between us and there is nothing we cannot discuss. They will understand that no magical beings are going to give them things because of a date on the calendar. Instead things are earned by merit, so they will not pull that little kid crap where they cry to get there way because they think they’re special and deserve it. This attitude will lead to them blowing away the competition academically and moving through school in an accelerated fashion. All earning academic scholarships through high school and college, saving me a bundle and allowing for an early retirement.

They will learn that lying is not something that should be used to make ourselves feel better because that only holds us back. Lies should be used to help others through manipulation. Manipulation has a negative connotation because most people whom use it do so for their own gain. It can also be used to get people to do something that they would otherwise not and this may improve their lives. Lies can also help protect others from truths that are too difficult to handle. As my children grow up they will understand how people operate because they operated above all these fallacies. They will become arbiters of lies and understand how to use them in a logical, not emotional way, and this will help get the most out of life. Most lies we tell are emotional in order to make ourselves feel better, no matter whom we may hurt. These are bad lies and can be traced back to the Santa fallacy as its roots. Logical lies, where the person understands exactly what they’re doing and why they’re doing it are positive.

By never lying to my children I will give them a greater chance to succeed. It will be a pain in the ass to deal with all the angry parents of kids that mine tried to spread the truth to, but it will be worth the sacrifice to see all that they will accomplish. Plus I hope that this article inspires you all to end the Santa fallacy as well. Together we have the power to put an end to Santa Claus forever. But if this article is not enough to inspire you to join me, then consider this, Santa’s been fucking your mother for years. Let’s kill that bastard.

santa dead

Open Question to Women: Why Turn Down Oral Sex?

In my 25 years, I mean 22 – how stupid of me, the only thing I’ve learned about women is that I know nothing about women. It would be easy for me to take the typical male approach and just chalk it up to “bitches be crazy,” but I’m not interested in being typical. Therefore, from this day forward, I’m making it a top priority to find out as much as I can about women in the simplest manner possible, asking them questions.

Let Colonel Angus come home, ladies.

Let Colonel Angus come home, ladies.

My first question has to do with with an incident that has occurred a shocking number of times for me, a woman turning down my offer to play her love flute like a Kenny G concert. Each time it has been a mixture of shock, anger, sadness, relief, and more shock. Why would any woman turn down the sweet tender care of cunnilingus? I hope the answer to this question is a simple one, “we wouldn’t.” It is highly possible that I’ve just run into a lot of outliers. I mean I did attend 16 years of catholic school, which included a make out in a cemetery with a girl whom has since pursued becoming a Nun. A true story for another time. A sadly true story at that. 

But it has happened enough that I consider it more than an outlier, mainly because I’ve never heard of a guy that has turned down a blow job offer. Is it because you do not trust us to do the job right? Let me fill you in on a little secret ladies, contrary to popular belief, blow jobs are not a full proof way to get guys off. I’ve had plenty of bad ones in my time. Hint, simply touching your mouth to penis does not get the job done. And you can definitely leave your teeth at home. Despite the possibility of having a bad one, men still always roll the dice and go for it. Why the hesitancy ladies?

Michael Douglas - Academy Award winner and dedicated pussy eater.

Michael Douglas – Academy Award winner and dedicated pussy eater.

Are you trying to be kind and considerate? Is empathy at play? I appreciate the thoughts, but I’m here to tell you that the person whom said it is better to give than receive probably just got done eating someone out. If asked on the street what is better getting or giving head? I would go with getting, but it is a lot closer than you might think. Men love to feel accomplished, like they’re the king of the universe. The problem is that there is only so much room on the throne. Only so many of us will become sport stars, rock stars, movie stars, business tycoons, and leaders. Those numbers are limited. But all of us can experience having our partner grab the back of our head, shove it down while pulling back on our hair, and screaming “Fuck! Yes! Yes! Yes! Right there,” while her body shakes like it’s in an earthquake. It will make any man feel like a King, so really by showing empathy, ladies, you’re really just robbing our chance at Royalty.

Or could it be that the vagina is a far more complex sexual organ than the penis. And each woman’s orgasm is like a snowflake, cold, wet, and never happens in LA. Maybe the fact that I’m stunned and upset by some women not wanting oral sex just highlights the vast divide that lies between us. But enough from me, I want to hear from you, ladies. This is what it is all about. Tell me, am I close with any of these answers? Did I generalize a few of my experiences that do not come close to the general consensus? Do you not trust us to do a good job? Do you think you’re being nice by declining? Or is it simply that some of you just don’t enjoy it?

The Thrill of The Chase

Any athlete who has achieved success will tell you that getting to the top is easy, staying there is the hard part. Human are very goal oriented. Get that job, earn that promotion, run this many miles, jump this high, etc. We like to set goals for ourselves and then check them off. As soon as we achieve them, then it is on to the next set of goals. Life is easier this way. It gives us something to strive for. If we achieve it, then we feel great, but even if we fail, it gives us a sense of determination to improve. However, what happens when there is nothing left to be achieved?

There are always more miles to be run or money to be earned. Bud Fox asked Gordon Gekko, “how many boats does he need to water ski behind?” We like to scold the absurdly rich for their greed when they go after more money, but really the money is of little consequence to them. It is about the pursuit. It is about setting a goal to earn more money and then achieving it. They could care less about the financial gain that the accomplishment brings. An aspect of life that leaves nothing more to be accomplished is a monogamous, faithful relationship. Once that is achieved what else is there? Just putting in the years? Not getting divorced?

There certainly is a lot of work left to do after committing to a person, whether through marriage or not. But there is no easily definable goal. It seems like everything is accomplished, which is why so many people become complacent as relationships progress. This is an issue that affects both sexes in different ways. For men, the goal is to sleep with a woman. All of his efforts are put into this goal. This is why in the beginning of relationships men are so thoughtful, caring, listen to everything that you say, and perform grand romantic gestures. None of that comes natural to men, which is why as the relationship goes on and men fall into their more complacent natural state that women are confused and hurt that they no longer do those things.

It is nothing personal, men were just focused on sleeping with you, a short-term goal. If we thought about the long haul, then we certainly would not set such a high precedent for ourselves. Once we have sex, then we feel accomplished and satisfied. All of that hard work we put in does not seem necessary and in typical male egotism we think that we can have sex with the woman any time we want without putting in the effort. Or we get bored, maybe even a little resentful that we put in so much work for a payoff that was ultimately disappointing. In general a man will never be as sweet, charming, and thoughtful as he was before he had sex with you. There are diminishing returns on each sexual act.

But what about women? What is there chase? It is stereotypical to say that all little girls dream of their wedding day, but I do know for a fact that no boy in the history of earth has ever given a single thought to it. A wedding is the Bride’s day, the Groom is merely a spectator, a necessary participant. This is the goal, the Super Bowl for women. Find a way to get the man that you love to stand in front of family and friends, then say “I do” while putting a ring on it. The problem is that a wedding is not some magical elixir that takes care of everything moving forward. There is sill a hopefully long life to be lived with this person and living together can be quite the challenge for men and women. All of those annoying habits: the messiness, the incessant sports watching, all of it does not magically disappear once he is a married man. Remember, the man has been turning in diminishing returns ever since you guys first had sex, so now that you’ve achieved your goal of walking down the aisle both of you are becoming complacent with one another. The extra motivation that drove the relationship to this point is lost and things start to become toxic.

What’s the best solution? Well it would be to recognize the fact that both of you have lost a little motivation and realize how silly that is to do with a person you love. Then focus on setting new goals for each other and sacrificing to achieve them. What’s the easy solution? Have kids. Children become a never ending series of goals and tasks, which help distract from the fact that you’re slowly drifting apart from the person you’ve given the rest of your miserable life. If you’re lucky, then challenges of child raising will bond you together. But it seems to be a flip of the coin as the divorce rate continues to linger around 50%. Hopefully some day, we can all come to the self realization of this accomplishment problem and realize that a relationship needs to be treated differently than anything else we set out to accomplishment. Until then, just keep popping out those kids.