Five Bold (and Most Likely Wrong) 2014 NFL Predictions

It’s been quite some time since I’ve written for our beloved blog, but TD has been holding the fort down with his intellectual and philosophical musings on life and football. I’m not feeling all the sentimental today, so let’s forego a list of excuses about my absence and get on with my soon-to-be proven wrong NFL predictions.

Someone other than the three elite QBs (Rodgers, Brady, Manning) wins league MVP.

You can do it! (Read with a Rob Schneider voice)

You can do it! (Read with a Rob Schneider voice)

Okay, maybe this isn’t that bold. But it always seems like one of these dudes captures the hearts and boners of all the NFL writers in all the land. This year, I’m betting on the field. If Andrew Luck takes another step toward joining that top group and once again leads a lackluster supporting cast to the playoffs, I think he’s got a shot. Does Russell Wilson progress enough and put up big numbers in a largely run-oriented offense? Maybe. However, unlikely. Still like Luck better here. Either way, there are a multitude of options (including Shady McCoy) that could snag the MVP trophy from Peyton’s arthritic grasp. 

The Jacksonville Jaguars go 8-8

I’m drinking the Toby Gerhart juice. I think this team takes after its tough coach Gus Bradley. They’re mean, don’t care how bad they are supposed to be, and might be stupid enough to win a couple lucky ones. The defense is pretty solid, and I like what I saw out of rookie QB (and Ben Rothelisberger clone) Blake Bortles in the preseason. Henne will not – and should not – be starting for long. Plus, the AFC South is up for grabs, and I think all division games are winnable. Only problem is you can’t fit all the Jags fans in that awesome new pool, so Jacksonville will certainly have trouble filling the stands. 

Gus.

Gus.

Ryan Fitzpatrick will retire midseason and buy a houseboat a la Shane Falco from The Replacements

Fitzy – who looks more like a drunk college American literature professor than an NFL quarterback – is one of my favorite signal-callers. That being said, he’s not very good at the whole quarterback thing. He would be much better at the houseboat thing. Maybe Gene Hackman takes over a team mid-season and gives him a call. Fitzy begrudgingly comes back to play and leads a group of ragtag dudes (including the 7UP guy who plays receiver) to the Super Bowl. Book it. 

My football muse.

My football muse.

The Green Bay Packers will NOT make the playoffs

Rodgers has an awful year. Mike McCarthy eats too many donuts. All the receivers suck so much they have to hunt down Antonio Freeman to put the cleats back on and give it one more go. Same with Dorsey Levens. Favre comes out of retirement. Fans start selling their minuscule shares of the public team to foreign investors. The organization implodes. Ah damn it. This is more of a wish than it is a prediction… 

Don't worry, bud. There's a better team south of the Wisconsin border to cheer for anyway.

Don’t worry, bud. There’s a better team south of the Wisconsin border to cheer for anyway.

Godell changes NFL rules to more accurately reflect 7-on-7 rules before year end

By the time the Super Bowl rolls around, helmets and pads will be replaced with backwards hats and flags. As much as I’m for protecting people and looking for constructive ways to keep players healthy later into their lives, defenses aren’t allowed to play tough anymore. This new emphasis on “Illegal Touching” downfield is yet another tick-tack rule designed to let offenses dominate. I’m all for exciting games, but let’s allow defenders to do what they do best: defend people. Come on, Roger!

***

And there you have it. My clearly well-thought out and reasoned predictions for this 2014 NFL season. Are you ready for some football?

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