My whole life I’ve asked the same incessant question, “What will everybody else think?” Or some variation, “Will they like me? Are they going to make fun of me? Will I have no friends?” These questions have crippled me. I’ve made choices based not on what I want or feel, but what I think others expect or want of me. Today, it ends. I’m done caring what others think of me, if they like the choices I make or will think I’m a weirdo, cause we’re all fucking weirdos. Let me be clear, I’m not talking about being an inconsiderate asshole to everyone around me that would not be productive either. I’m talking about looking inside of me for what I feel or what I want to do. We all have to share this planet with the people around us, but there is a difference between being considerate and letting others dictate your life.
The biggest problem with caring so much about what others think of you is that you fail to create an identity. Everything is about how others will expect you to think or act. It’s impossible to figure out who you are as a person when you let others dictate your decisions. This is why I struggle to express my emotions or communicate my feelings with others because I’m not really sure what they are. I know what I’m supposed to feel or the answer that will make the people I’m talking to happy and comfortable, but I don’t know if that is really how I feel. I became such a good bull shitter in order to get people to like me that I don’t even know what’s the truth anymore. What it is I really like or feel.
High school was the peak of this destructive behavior. I would’ve done anything, or as was more often the case, not done anything in order to get people to like me. Despite my love for writing and performing I did nothing with the theater department in my high school because of the way other kids made fun of them. I was too scared to be one of those kids, so instead I did nothing. I was too afraid to express my interest in girls I really liked because other people did not find them attractive. I just shelled up and did whatever I thought would make me look cool. Drink beers, smoke cigarettes, I remember a low point was when I went garage shopping in my neighborhood and stole beers out of garage fridges from kids I went to elementary school with. But I thought it would make people like me, so I was far too scared to say no.
In the years since high school this behavior has certainly improved, but it is like a morbidly obese person bragging about losing enough weight to become simply obese. We both have a long way to go to fully improve ourselves. But as the days pass and the years add up I realize that I need to start living the life that I want. I need to do an introspective and figure out what it is that will make me happy. Who are the people I want to surround myself with? There is the life that is expected of me, but that doesn’t mean that it is the right one. A person cannot be truly productive if he or she is not happy with the life they’re living. Doubt creates resentment and resentment builds to anger, depression with each passing year. A life fulfilled requires happiness as it allows commitment and life cannot be truly lived till we commit to it.
Starting today, I end all the bull shit. I’m not going to tell you the answer you want to hear, I’ll tell you the truth. When you ask me how my day was, I’m not just going to say “good, how about yours?” I’ll tell you how it was. For awhile the answer may be , “I don’t know,” cause right now I don’t. I’m not sure what it is I want or how it is I feel. In many ways I’m still a newborn, a blank canvas, waiting to be painted. All I need to do is pick up the brush.