Eastyn, I’m Listening, Let Me Explain

It looks like in my neglect of writing Justice Demetrio articles Eastyn has stepped up and filled the void by putting me on trial for some recent articles that I wrote. The only good thing about getting ripped a new asshole is that it will make it a lot easier to collect that $100,000 a dayToo soon? 

Although it goes against all logic, I will be serving as my own counsel in this trial. Something that will make my parents very happy. I’d like to start by saying I think that you’ve missed my general thesis on most of these articles, most likely a product of not personally knowing me. However, since you’re not the only reader that does not know me personally I do appreciate the chance to clear things up. I will admit that I tend to overuse generalizations in my articles. Some times I do so to expose stereotypes, but other times I do so for the majority of people that read this article. Generalizations and stereotypes don’t exist because they were made up out of thin air. They come from the truth. It is a fact that there are more black people play and watch basketball over hockey. This doesn’t mean that all black people are fans of basketball, but if you sat down in a new client’s meeting and they are all black, then it is more likely that you’ll start a conversation by bringing up what they thought of Lebron’s stinker last night over Michael Honzus Double OT winner in the thrilling Hawks/Kings game. Generalizations can be useful as long as we’re aware of the downside.

Hopefully I don't hold myself in contempt.

Hopefully I don’t hold myself in contempt.

This brings me to the first article that you mentioned, The Friend Debate. One of my favorite courses in college was Sex and Evolution in which we used Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature. It is one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Seriously, buy a copy. The book explores human evolution and the process of sexual selection, since that is how human evolution evolves. It breaks down the biological and physical differences in male and female mating. Men have a virtually unlimited number of sperm at their disposal. This is a process of evolution as the more a man spreads his seed, the more children he has to carry on his line. There is a reason why history is filled with men with many wives and it is biologically driven. Women on the other hand have a limited number of eggs and it forces them to be very protective of them by being more selective with whom they mate. Just like Elaine Benes and her sponges. 

You need to pass Elaine's strict test in order to get the sponge.

You need to pass Elaine’s strict test in order to get the sponge.

It is not to say that we’re locked into these biological needs, not at all in fact. Humans have the capacity to move beyond that with thought and emotion. There is a reason why sex is so pleasurable, it is meant to be encouraged in order to allow humans to continue evolving. However, that pleasure has also led to people enjoying sex so much that they do it for recreation now, both men and women. I don’t think all men are sex driven maniacs, but as part of our biological evolution we are driven to spread our seed as much as possible. I think it is important to be aware of this because it is impossible to move past it without self awareness. In the history of time, men currently roaming the earth are not that far removed, biologically at least, from the likes of Henry VIII.

I do not seriously think that men deserve a special treat for being able to control this need, it is a basic human decency. Nor do I think it is on par with a dog performing surgery. I just enjoy adding exaggerated analogies into my articles for humor. Perhaps not everyone enjoys or finds the humor in them, but I do and will continue to use them.

I’m not going to lie of all the articles you had a problem with, The Thrill of the Chase hurt the most. I thought of all people you would understand my point and get that I myself do not believe this is the way relationships should go, but just through observation have noticed that too many have gone that way. Again, I’m not trying to say all relationships work this way, but the fact is almost half of marriages still end in divorce. I was examining how this happened and came to the conclusion that relationships have become too goal orientated. And there are too many men who only think about the short term goal of sleeping with a woman, while not putting enough thought into sharing a life with another person. And there are too many women who see marriage, more specifically their weddings, as a goal to achieve just to achieve it. Thinking little of what the rest of their lives will be like. The term Bridezilla did not appear out of nowhere. 

They don't make reality shows about things that aren't real. Right?

They don’t make reality shows about things that aren’t real. Right?

Again, this does not apply to all men or all women. But it does apply to a enough people that I see as the reason for why divorce rates are so high. Why couldn’t you pick out the following quotes, “Well it would be to recognize the fact that both of you have lost a little motivation and realize how silly that is to do with a person you love.” And, “Hopefully some day, we can all come to the self realization of this accomplishment problem and realize that a relationship needs to be treated differently than anything else we set out to accomplishment,” as the point I was making in that article? It saddens me that we could not connect on the same wavelength on that one.

As sad as your issue with the last article made me, I will give you credit on the Open Question to Women: Why Are You So Enchanting? Part of my intent with that series of articles is to be controversial in order to drive views to the site. My larger point in that article is that men are much more delusional about the status of their relationships with women than the other way around. Men easily convince themselves that a woman is super into them when they are totally off base. I regret making the article seem like this is a woman’s issue to fix, it is absolutely not. It is up to men to be more logically and also less angry when things do not work out. I also did not want it to be as objectifying as it appears. It was more a love letter to the fairer sex and the fact that as a whole women are much better looking than men. This is not to hate on men, as you appear to think I do in most of my articles, but more a statement of fact. Would you prefer me not to find women so enchanting? I’m confused there.

Again, you missed the point of my Would You Rather article. It started with a drunken conversation amongst friends and I turned it into an article. The point of leaving out gay men and women was not that I think they all enjoy having a dick crammed up their asses. But rather, to help make my larger point in the article, which was two-fold. A lot of straight men, at least a lot that I’ve known having gone to 16 years of Catholic school, still find anything to do with gay sex to be taboo or disgusting. I was trying to make the point that there are a lot of terrible ways to make a living and a more destructive force to the fabric of our nation is the false narrative that everyone has an equal chance at the American Dream. Having re-read the article I will admit I did a poor job of making that point and will make sure to be a little more clear next time. And I completely agree with your fluidity point, the male G-spot does exist in the ass for a reason.

The last article you brought up and also my most recent one that apparently was the last straw is meant to be humorous and in no way did I insinuate that squirting and orgasms are the same. This again devolved from a drunken conversation this past weekend and is meant to read, like other articles I’ve written, as a stand-up bit. I’m not trying to underestimate men, I just think it is funny to think that all women are supposed to squirt when they have an orgasm, but most don’t because men are so bad at sex. It is a bit, like most are, that plays off and with a stereotype, in this case that men are bad at sex. I’m not promoting this stereotype, just using it to get laughs and try to stir some page hits. I’m sorry that you did not find it amusing.

Perhaps we do need that beer and if you’re buying I’m free any time.

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