This Friday, we are excited, but somewhat apprehensive, to kick off our new series of movie reviews with “renowned” Santa Monica movie reviewer Brent Shady. Shady approached the Millennial Men late on a drunken Saturday night in an alley behind the Third Street Promenade. He looked like a mixture between Drunk Uncle (from SNL) and a used car salesman. He handed both Tommy and me his “resume,” which was actually cardboard box featuring elaborate stick-figure drawings of Shady’s former places of employment.
Desperately in need of a movie reviewer for our blog, and slightly buzzed, Tommy and I agreed to hire Shady on the spot. Recently, it has come to our attention that Shady may be wandering gypsy, as he delivered his review of X-Men Days of Future Past to our door. We asked him to email it. His review smells like cat piss and is hand-written in the margins of a mysteriously sticky Victoria’s Secret catalogue.
Below, we have transcribed Shady’s review. We are unsure as to whether he saw the film or not, and whether he is allowed to enter public places. Like I said, we’re desperate for a movie reviewer.
Hey there world,
I’m Shady. Brent Shady. I’m writing for the Millennium Dudes cinema blog. Today, I’ll be reviewing X-Men: The Movie!
Man. I loved X-Men as a kid. I used to play with Superman and Batman dolls all the time. Dun-nuna-duna-duna… Spiderman! Another X-Man. God, they’re great J .
And so is this movie, starring Antonio Banderas as a Puss in Suit! He’s the best Cat Woman yet. Flying, jumping onto buildings and fighting the bad guys, the Foot Soldiers. Man, those are some evil ancient bitches. Scarier than the flying monkeys in Star Wars.
That’s the thing about this film. It’s magical. Jennifer Lawrence, wait, no it’s Jennifer Lopez as the Blue Alien – shit she’s spectacular. She’s not Jenny from the block anymore. Oh and that Michael Fasterwinder shows his dong again. Fuck that guy is hung like a horse. Gandalf’s in the movie, too, as old Fasterwinder. All kinds of sorcery going on in this tale of two cities.
Let’s take a breather for a second. I think I heard something in the garbage can. Is that a cat? Oh NO!!!
(This part of Shady’s review was marred with claw and bite marks. It’s the smelliest portion of the manifest.)
Shit. Thought I was about to die. Just like everyone in X-Men. Damnit. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that was I? I couldn’t hold it in though. Who kills off the bald guy in a wheelchair? That’s just cruel. Who wrote this movie? Probably the same guy that wrote Bulletproof Monk. Jesus. He’s a good writer.
Okay. Now for the part everyone’s been waiting for… Shady’s Banana Peels!
I award this movie 14 and a half banana peels out of 15. JLo was a vision. And that short Irish guy was funny. Tyrion Lannister is out of prison in this film, so that deserved a banana peel all to itself!
See ya next week!
Dear God. Please find us a real movie reviewer soon. We apologize to anyone who was emotionally harmed by reading of Brent Shady’s batshit crazy movie review.