Dear Tommy and Eastyn: I Got an Instagram. I’m Scared.

Dear Tommy and Eastyn,

I finally caved. I signed up for Instagram. I’m terrified. The last time I signed up for a new social media platform was back in 2010 when I created a Twitter handle. I feel like I’ve just now learned how to use Twitter. Four years later. I still don’t know how to use Facebook. And I only signed up to the ‘book in high school because a really hot girl made me – so you can understand the Insta-anxiety that I’m experiencing.

For the record, I used to hate the idea of Instagram. I thought the users were a bunch of narcissistic jackasses who hid their quiet insecurities behind a vintage-looking filter. I just assumed all their captions said, “Look at me, I’m pretty in this picture. It looks like it was taken on a Polaroid! It’s sooooo vintage – OMG. Look at that lens flare, I’m like a future JJ Spielberg. Tehehehe.”


But alas, I have become the grumpy old Grandpa. I’m too young for that. Every millennial has an Instagram now and it’s time for me to join the party. But I’m nervous. Will people like my pictures? Is “like” even the right term?

Can you guys take a look at some of my questions below and try to assuage my fears?

Billy’s Insta-questions and Metaphysical Ponderings:

  1. Schmidt from New Girl once said something about double-tapping his Insta-g. What the fuck does that mean? I’ve got Nick-like knowledge on this subject.


  1. What filters should I stay away from? I don’t to look like an amateur moron or high school freshman.
  1. Do celebrities use this thing or is it just for us plebeians? What I want to know, more precisely, is whether Emma Watson’s got one.
  1. Can I only use this contraption to take pictures of sunsets? I see so many fucking pictures of sunsets. Too many sunsets. I’m starting to hate sunsets and I really don’t want to.
  1. What’s the point of #nofilter? Isn’t the goddamn purpose of this thing to use a filter? What am I paying for?
  1. Wait, I’m confusing myself. This is free, right?
  1. Can we put blog posts on Instagram or is that Tumblr? Or Pintrest?
  1. What about athletes? Does Jay Cutler have one? Or Brandon Marshall? Can I send Tom Ricketts pictures of poop because I’m mad at the lack of money he’s spending on my Cubbies?
  1. Seriously, the #nofilter thing. I don’t get it. Seems counterintuitive.

10. Is this one of those things were if I take a picture it shows up on Facebook and Twitter?

11. Update on the Emma Watson front, please.

12. What’s the age limit on Instagram? Is my mom on it? I’m cool with it if she is – just want a heads up.

And  13 (below)…

As a generation, are we misusing photography because of how easy it is to snap pictures? I was listening to NPR to some doctor or something, and she said something like, “Photos are tools we should use to recall a memory. They are a means to remember the smell, feel, and sounds of moment. When we take too many pictures, and make those the memories, we fail to live in the moment and live fully.” Or something like that. I want to live in the moment! I’m soooooo scared.


Looking forward to hearing your guys’ thoughts. In the meantime, follow me at @bkirland.

Shit. Is “follow” the right word?



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