A Guide to Instagram for Billy

Let me first start by saying, I am no Instagram expert, but based on the crazy talking heads that cable news brings on to be an “expert” I see no reason why I can’t be your Instagram Expert. What’s the worst that can happen?


Let’s get to answering your questions starting with the most pressing one.

1. Yes, Emma Watson does have an Instagram. It is @EmWatson_, so do not get fooled by any of the others that actually have more followers, @emmawatsons is up to 997k, than her actual Instagram that has 13k followers. Celebrities do not use Instagram nearly as much as twitter, but there are a few. The biggest may be President Barack Obama. Keep an eye on the leader of the free world and judge him for the filters he uses.


2. Speaking of filters, #nofilter, is a way of showing off when you take a really cool photo that does not require a filter to be awesome. It is typically a ploy to get more likes for a photo via respect shown from fellow Gram Mams. Just made that nickname up. Hope it sticks. It captures the essence of Instagram, blatantly bragging in order to garner electronic approval from your followers to both shame them into feeling inferior and help give you a false sense of superiority. It is all about denying how sad and pathetic your life really is, one like at a time.


3. And speaking of likes, the phrase double-tapping my Insta-g refers to the amount of likes your photos are getting. Double-tapping a photo is a quick, cool way to like it.

4. Filters are a subjective thing, like Global Warming or penis size. And are also judge harshly by your friends, just like those as well. Each photo is a snow flake waiting to find its right filter, so make sure to browse them all. Knowing you as well as I do though, I will warn you to stay away from Willow and Inkwell. I know you love some black n’ white, but it gets pretty old, pretty fast on Instagram.

Stay away from this filter at all costs.

Stay away from this filter at all costs.

5. The only thing worse than black n’ white are sunsets. Enough with the sunsets people. Jesus Christ! You act like some sort of supernatural occurrence happened. Like Fox News saying the 2nd Amendment is ruining our country. Or New York City not smelling like shit. It’s just the fucking sun people. It rises and sets every single day. In the words of the immortal Uncle Joey, “cut it out”


6. Instagram is not free my friend, it costs us a little piece of our dignity every time we use it.

7. If you believe a photo really does say a thousand words, then you can definitely write a blog post on it. Or in my case, at least the first half of one where I ramble incoherently till I finally get to my point.

8. Athletes use Instagram less than celebrities. And Tom Ricketts unfortunately does not have an Instagram, but pictures of craps are reserved exclusively for Snapchat. Trust me, those three seconds will be engrained in the person’s mind for the rest of their lives.

9. Be careful, unfortunately Instagram does not have an age restriction of 18+older. James Franco and I have gotten in trouble because of this.

10. As for your final question, if we listen to what a pretentious Doctor said on NPR we would question every fucking thing we did. Fuck that guy. You do you.





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