With little league baseball action ramping up across America, it’s time to give a special shout out to one of the shittiest characters to roam your local public baseball diamonds.
This week’s Hump Day Fuck You goes out to crazy little league baseball dad.
You know who you are, man. You are the guy who coaches your son or daughter’s baseball or softball team like you are managing for the mother fucking New York Yankees in Game 7 of the World Series. You are the dude who, at best, was probably a mediocre 8th grade pitcher with two decent pitches, and releases your pent-up frustration by trolling preteens. You are the buffoon who throws more temper tantrums in your dugout in one game than your 10-year-olds throw the entire season – combined.
Calm the fuck down, you asshole. If you don’t slow your role soon, your kid will probably hate you for the rest of your sad life. If he doesn’t hate you, it’s worse for the rest of us because he becomes the year 2035 version of your sorry ass.
There’s nothing wrong with being a passionate little league coach. But it’s important where that passion is focused and how it is filtered. I benefited from some great coaches at young age – including, luckily, my father – who wanted to win just as badly as I did. However, they were patient, calm, thoughtful, and wise. Instead of acting like an angry child when an umpire made a bad call, they told my teammates and me to focus on what we could control. Instead of popping a blood vessel every time someone made an error or swung at a bad pitch, they pulled the offender aside to explain how they could improve next time. They taught me how to be a good teammate – whether I was the best or worst player on the team.
Essentially, the good coaches taught me how to have perspective and act like an adult. They showed me that playing the blame game gets a person nowhere, and it’s important to treat teammates who you would like to be treated. I learned how to look inward before pointing fingers and going on expletive-laden rants. This has paid off in my professional life.
But this post is about the asshole little league dad, whom I’ve also experienced on multiple occasions. Today, we’re flipping off the guy who screams at the top of his lungs at a 14-year-old, pubescent umpire who makes $8.50/hour because he thought little Johnny Baseball was safe at first base. This Wednesday, we whip our baseball at the tangled genitals of the cup-wearing little league manager who tells your son he sucks. Because even if your son does suck, the coach shouldn’t say that. Let your kid figure out that baseball isn’t his thing on his own. He will. Trust me.
I think the asshole little league coach is the way he is for a variety of reasons including (but not limited to):
- Daddy issues.
- Sexual frustration.
- A prolonged midlife crisis.
- An undiagnosed chemical imbalance or anger issue (or both).
- A small penis.
- Sucking as a child athlete himself.
- He hasn’t found another outlet for his frustration, like Game of Thrones – or running.
- Grudge-itis: Holding a grudge against a mean coach back in the day.
- He’s power hungry in the worst way.
- Serving court-assigned community service hours.
- Hates himself.
To all the kids who have to play for these jerks: You will be okay.
It’s not fair that you ended up under the guidance of this jackass as a result of your little league draft. I know you wanted to play for the cool coach who everyone loves. I’ve been there. But this is real life – granted, way earlier than you should have to deal with real life – but real life nonetheless. Don’t stop loving the game. Play for your teammates, and work hard to get better. Win in spite of your coach. One day, you’ll be grateful for learning how to deal with a dickhead authority figure at such a young age.
And to all you crazy little league dads: Fuck. You.
Go find a hobby that doesn’t involve being irrationally mean to highly impressionable children. Start a fight club amongst each other and yell as you bash each other’s heads in.
Little league baseball (and all youth sports) is supposed to be fun. Shame on you for forgetting that, you selfish pricks.