Month: May 2014

Eastyn, I’m Listening, Let Me Explain

It looks like in my neglect of writing Justice Demetrio articles Eastyn has stepped up and filled the void by putting me on trial for some recent articles that I wrote. The only good thing about getting ripped a new asshole is that it will make it a lot easier to collect that $100,000 a dayToo soon? 

Although it goes against all logic, I will be serving as my own counsel in this trial. Something that will make my parents very happy. I’d like to start by saying I think that you’ve missed my general thesis on most of these articles, most likely a product of not personally knowing me. However, since you’re not the only reader that does not know me personally I do appreciate the chance to clear things up. I will admit that I tend to overuse generalizations in my articles. Some times I do so to expose stereotypes, but other times I do so for the majority of people that read this article. Generalizations and stereotypes don’t exist because they were made up out of thin air. They come from the truth. It is a fact that there are more black people play and watch basketball over hockey. This doesn’t mean that all black people are fans of basketball, but if you sat down in a new client’s meeting and they are all black, then it is more likely that you’ll start a conversation by bringing up what they thought of Lebron’s stinker last night over Michael Honzus Double OT winner in the thrilling Hawks/Kings game. Generalizations can be useful as long as we’re aware of the downside.

Hopefully I don't hold myself in contempt.

Hopefully I don’t hold myself in contempt.

This brings me to the first article that you mentioned, The Friend Debate. One of my favorite courses in college was Sex and Evolution in which we used Matt Ridley’s The Red Queen: Sex and The Evolution of Human Nature. It is one of the most fascinating books I’ve ever read and I cannot recommend it highly enough. Seriously, buy a copy. The book explores human evolution and the process of sexual selection, since that is how human evolution evolves. It breaks down the biological and physical differences in male and female mating. Men have a virtually unlimited number of sperm at their disposal. This is a process of evolution as the more a man spreads his seed, the more children he has to carry on his line. There is a reason why history is filled with men with many wives and it is biologically driven. Women on the other hand have a limited number of eggs and it forces them to be very protective of them by being more selective with whom they mate. Just like Elaine Benes and her sponges. 

You need to pass Elaine's strict test in order to get the sponge.

You need to pass Elaine’s strict test in order to get the sponge.

It is not to say that we’re locked into these biological needs, not at all in fact. Humans have the capacity to move beyond that with thought and emotion. There is a reason why sex is so pleasurable, it is meant to be encouraged in order to allow humans to continue evolving. However, that pleasure has also led to people enjoying sex so much that they do it for recreation now, both men and women. I don’t think all men are sex driven maniacs, but as part of our biological evolution we are driven to spread our seed as much as possible. I think it is important to be aware of this because it is impossible to move past it without self awareness. In the history of time, men currently roaming the earth are not that far removed, biologically at least, from the likes of Henry VIII.

I do not seriously think that men deserve a special treat for being able to control this need, it is a basic human decency. Nor do I think it is on par with a dog performing surgery. I just enjoy adding exaggerated analogies into my articles for humor. Perhaps not everyone enjoys or finds the humor in them, but I do and will continue to use them.

I’m not going to lie of all the articles you had a problem with, The Thrill of the Chase hurt the most. I thought of all people you would understand my point and get that I myself do not believe this is the way relationships should go, but just through observation have noticed that too many have gone that way. Again, I’m not trying to say all relationships work this way, but the fact is almost half of marriages still end in divorce. I was examining how this happened and came to the conclusion that relationships have become too goal orientated. And there are too many men who only think about the short term goal of sleeping with a woman, while not putting enough thought into sharing a life with another person. And there are too many women who see marriage, more specifically their weddings, as a goal to achieve just to achieve it. Thinking little of what the rest of their lives will be like. The term Bridezilla did not appear out of nowhere. 

They don't make reality shows about things that aren't real. Right?

They don’t make reality shows about things that aren’t real. Right?

Again, this does not apply to all men or all women. But it does apply to a enough people that I see as the reason for why divorce rates are so high. Why couldn’t you pick out the following quotes, “Well it would be to recognize the fact that both of you have lost a little motivation and realize how silly that is to do with a person you love.” And, “Hopefully some day, we can all come to the self realization of this accomplishment problem and realize that a relationship needs to be treated differently than anything else we set out to accomplishment,” as the point I was making in that article? It saddens me that we could not connect on the same wavelength on that one.

As sad as your issue with the last article made me, I will give you credit on the Open Question to Women: Why Are You So Enchanting? Part of my intent with that series of articles is to be controversial in order to drive views to the site. My larger point in that article is that men are much more delusional about the status of their relationships with women than the other way around. Men easily convince themselves that a woman is super into them when they are totally off base. I regret making the article seem like this is a woman’s issue to fix, it is absolutely not. It is up to men to be more logically and also less angry when things do not work out. I also did not want it to be as objectifying as it appears. It was more a love letter to the fairer sex and the fact that as a whole women are much better looking than men. This is not to hate on men, as you appear to think I do in most of my articles, but more a statement of fact. Would you prefer me not to find women so enchanting? I’m confused there.

Again, you missed the point of my Would You Rather article. It started with a drunken conversation amongst friends and I turned it into an article. The point of leaving out gay men and women was not that I think they all enjoy having a dick crammed up their asses. But rather, to help make my larger point in the article, which was two-fold. A lot of straight men, at least a lot that I’ve known having gone to 16 years of Catholic school, still find anything to do with gay sex to be taboo or disgusting. I was trying to make the point that there are a lot of terrible ways to make a living and a more destructive force to the fabric of our nation is the false narrative that everyone has an equal chance at the American Dream. Having re-read the article I will admit I did a poor job of making that point and will make sure to be a little more clear next time. And I completely agree with your fluidity point, the male G-spot does exist in the ass for a reason.

The last article you brought up and also my most recent one that apparently was the last straw is meant to be humorous and in no way did I insinuate that squirting and orgasms are the same. This again devolved from a drunken conversation this past weekend and is meant to read, like other articles I’ve written, as a stand-up bit. I’m not trying to underestimate men, I just think it is funny to think that all women are supposed to squirt when they have an orgasm, but most don’t because men are so bad at sex. It is a bit, like most are, that plays off and with a stereotype, in this case that men are bad at sex. I’m not promoting this stereotype, just using it to get laughs and try to stir some page hits. I’m sorry that you did not find it amusing.

Perhaps we do need that beer and if you’re buying I’m free any time.

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An Open Letter to Chicago Cubs Owner Tom Ricketts

Dear Tom,

It’s time to get your shit together. Your grace period as owner of my beloved Chicago Cubs is over. We Cubbie blue-blooded fans were excited that one of us was buying the team back in 2009. But it’s 2014 now and we haven’t won more than 75 games in a season in four years. We understand that we’re rebuilding the organization from the ground up. We promised Theo we’d be patient. The prospects – ugh, I hate that word – look good. And yes, the new facilities in Arizona are nice…

But we’re growing tired of your bullshit in Chicago. We millennial Cubs fans are restless. And you can sure as hell bet that our parents and grandparents aren’t growing any more patient.

Pretty much sums up how all Cubs fans are feeling these days.

Pretty much sums up how all Cubs fans are feeling these days.

I hope you weren’t surprised when the video you posted last week was met with a collective roll of the eyes. New plans to fix Wrigley! We’re going ahead and doing it! We’re going to break ground soon! It’ll be great!

Excuse us if we’ve heard this before. You may have hoodwinked us with your Wrigley renovation plans the first time, but you know what they say: Fool me once, shame on me.

I’m sick of hearing about all these “plans” to bring Wrigley into the 21st century. I’ve grown tired of your many excuses for not getting the job done. Yes, the rooftop owners are a pain. We all understand that. But you knew about the revenue sharing deal when you bought the team. Stop bitching about it. Figure out a solution. Meet them at the bargaining table and make a deal.

Just deal with the rooftop owners already. The problem will not solve itself.

Just deal with the rooftop owners already. The problem will not solve itself.

Oh, and you might want to let the fucking City of Chicago know about your plans because Rahm Emanuel is a power-wielding crazy person. He will make your life harder if you don’t give him a heads up on future new “plans.” He didn’t seem too thrilled with your recent video, either.

Listen, Tom. I know your heart is in the right place. You fell in love with your wife at Wrigley, and you fell in love with the Cubs back in 1984. But you’re the owner of the Chicago Cubs now. We need you to use more than your heart. We need your brain.

Don’t bullshit us anymore. We’re smarter than you think we are. You’re putting a piece of shit product on the major league field. We can only get so excited about all these great minor leaguers you keep talking about. Please don’t tell us you can’t spend money because the attendance has dropped each year since you bought the team. Put a good fucking team on the field and we’ll pack the stands. We’re the best fans in baseball. Imagine if we got to see a team win a trophy once in a while. Have you been to a Blackhawks game lately?

It’s time for you to step up to the plate, Tom. Get your Wrigley plan approved by Emmanuel and the rooftop boys. Put your signs up in Wrigley and fix the dugouts. Get someone to okay that new bullpen idea, too. Give Theo (Epstein) and Jed (Hoyer) some fucking cash to spend at the major league level. Stop taking a condescending tone every time you talk to us in your public appearances.

We Cubs fans are growing frustrated. We’re not the bunch of drunken idiots White Sox fans make us out to be. Shame on you, Tom, for thinking you’re entitled to our hard-earned money. You have to earn it. It’s time to start giving us more reasons to come to Wrigley than its 100-year birthday. Throwback jerseys can’t hide a lack of talent.

I’m keeping the faith, but I’m running short on patience. I want to come back to Chicago on a brisk October day and watch a World Series game with my dad, mom, sisters, brother, and friends before I’m 30.

Make it happen.

Sincerely,

An Angry Millennial Cubs Fan

Tommy, Let’s Have a Chat: Men Aren’t All That Bad

eastyncazin@outlook.com | Mother of Kittens

*Pulls out soap box*

So we’ve been writing for this blog for a while now. I’ve seen some things that you have posted that are fairly concerning to me. I’m putting my foot down. I can’t take this anymore. Although you have the best intentions it has become increasingly clear to me that you need a nice sit down chat.

Below are a few of your articles that legitimately bummed me out:

In your post, The Friend Debate, I saw a typical article on the age old question “can men and women be friends?” Leaving aside your reasons as for why a man would not have sex with a female friend (I can assure you there are more than three), the real issue here is that you seem to believe that men as a whole gender are sex driven maniacs, and that women are not. That’s just flat out wrong. Some men have no interest in sex. Some women only want sex, and I feel as though a majority of the population has a pretty even keeled and healthy sex drive for living organisms.

You mentioned that being only friends with a woman is something that should be rewarded, as though you deserve some kind of pat on the head for not trying to fuck everything that moves. You literally compared it to a dog receiving a treat for being well behaved. What a disservice that is to all other men. How low do you think of your own gender? That’s just called common courtesy.

images

The Thrill of the Chase again shows that you have completely shoved men and women into these small stereotypical gender roles that boils men down to impulsive fuck machines and women into manipulative baby crazy wedding fiends. In a relationship the “chase” isn’t what will keep the “magic” alive. Relationships are work. After a while they are no longer spontaneous and romantic. They are a partnership in the best kind of way. A support system and a beautiful one at that. Saying that men just get worse as the relationship continues, again does a huge disservice to your gender. As if the only motivation any man could have for a relationship exists in your pants.

I can’t even form complete thoughts on your Open Question To Women: Why Are You So Enchanting article. The previous two articles mostly brought to light your thoughts on how men act, however this one was just blatant objectification. I don’t need to explain why that’s inappropriate.

My Reaction When

My Reaction When

Your Would You Rather (Fucked in the Ass Edition) was fairly baffling. As though you think all gay men and all women would really enjoy having something crammed up their ass and as though all straight men would hate it.  Enjoyment of anal sex is quite fluid amongst all genders and sexualities. Don’t knock it until you try it, I say.

Your latest article, Open Question to Women: Are You All Squirters was the final straw for me. Orgasms and squirting are not the same. The female orgasm isn’t a debate, women can have one. It’s achievable. Squirting is a debate due to the fact that not much is known about where it comes from and how. It’s not from the same place as the typical female orgasm, and although it is the same chemical make up of urine, it is also not from the bladder. That is the larger debate. The debate of “WTF is squirting.”

Again, you underestimate men. Reaching orgasm is a two person game. The blame does not lie with anybody other than lack of education. Women should explore and find out what works for them, and then communicate with their partner to create a unique experience between partners. A blending of preferences and techniques. Not to mention orgasm does not need to be achieved by either party at all times. It is perfectly acceptable for men to not orgasm, as well as for women. If you are just flat out never able to, it’s time to go to a doctor or re-evaluate what you find to be sexually pleasing.

My new favorite stock photo.

My new favorite stock photo.

So, Tommy, the conclusion is that not only do you seem to inadvertently objectify women into sexual and romantic fantasies, but also have completely reduced men into one dimensional beings capable only of spreading their seed. It is important for you to look inside and realize: “What does this say about me?” It is one thing to act and think this way yourself, but a whole other thing to speak for a whole gender. I’ve asked you this before, and I will ask you this again, “Do you need a hug, Tommy? I feel like you need a hug.” Human beings are complex individuals with differing feelings and motives. Including yourself.

*Steps down from soap box*

Now that it’s all said and done, let’s discuss. Beer is on me.

Open Question to Women: Are You All Squirters?

Was it good for you? This is the question most man ask a woman in post-coitus. It is typically asked in a concerned tone because we both hope that they enjoyed themselves, but also know the possibility is very high that they did not. Women never have to worry about asking men that since we have a distinct release that lets them know just how good of a time we just had. And while I have faked an orgasm before in order to mercifully end the night and get to sleep, I will go out on a limb and say that is a lot less than women do it.

The differences between a male and female orgasm are as vast as Donald Sterling and reality. Ours are quick, powerful, and provide a nice escape. Women’s are challenging, intense, and satisfying on a deeper level. The mind also plays a much bigger part in accomplishing the latter, while the former is much more a physical release like sweating or farting. It seems unfair that such a challenging thing to accomplish depends on taking someone’s word for it when you do accomplish said feat. It would be like winning a Mario Cart Grand Prix and then having no trophy ceremony. I want my damn trophy. This is where squirting comes into play.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

Things are just better when you receive a trophy.

According to Women’s Health writer Rebecca Chalker, “Female ejaculation is one of the most hotly debated questions in modern sexology.” Reports vary from as small as 6% to as high as 69% of women experiencing female ejaculation. That is quite the discrepancy in statistics. Normally I would say the truth falls somewhere in the middle, but in this case I have another theory, it is actually 100% of women who can and should experience female ejaculation. The variance does not come from differences in female anatomy, but rather their sexual partners ability to get them to the climax state required to ejaculate. The problem lies with us ladies, not you. Well except for the ladies who prefer the company of other ladies, then that is on you. 

I know what a lot of men are saying, “but I’ve never been with a squirter?” To which I reply, exactly. Look it is just a theory, but the law of gravity started with a theory after an apple hit Isaac Newton in the head, so I think I’m standing on some sturdy ground here. I thought it would be best to reach out and ask the people whom this affects the most. So, what do you think ladies? Is it possible that all of you are capable of a female ejaculation? Have men been robing you the opportunity to put a money shot in our face? If so, as someone who took two gender studies courses in college and considers himself a feminist, all I can say is, “I’m sorry.”

 

Newest Obession: Creme Caramel #DEFINEBEAUTY

eastyncazin@outlook.com | Mother of Kittens 

“The devil is in the details.”

I tend to have a hard time finding something that accurately articulates that sentence. It’s always been difficult to put into words the specific things I am attracted to. The whole picture is nice, but sometimes it is necessary to get down to the little details. Those are the things that will eat away at your brain, that make it difficult to concentrate.

The Nowness has been doing a multiple part series called #DEFINEBEAUTY. One of the recent videos captured the essence of that idea of the details being the things that will have you lose your mind. You can view it below.

A little warning:

THIS IS NOT SAFE FOR WORK AT ALL. Incognito that nonsense and lock yourself away.

All of these videos are beautifully curated. I highly recommend sitting down to watch through them.

Just wanted to share a little something something to pick you up post three day weekend.

 

Saturday Morning Thoughts: John Mayer

I woke up this morning to find a tweet about how John Mayer covered Beyoncé’s song “XO.” Take a listen below.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bny6NnwfyGM

This is an awesome cover. I like Beyoncé’s version, too, but this post is about Mayer. The guy is a fucking fantastic musician. I don’t care if that makes people question my music taste. He’s solid. If you can tell me you didn’t once hum “Why Georgia,” back in the day, well then good for you. You are a rare specimen.

When it comes to women, however, Mayer isn’t all that great. The guy has reportedly dated some of the film, television, and music world’s most beautiful and talented stars and always seems to fuck it up. He even admitted he was a “jerk” to a handful of women most of us average guys would have treated like queens.

Today, I say let’s just let the guy be whoever he wants to be and appreciate his music. If you’re an attractive woman who happens to be incredibly famous, just know Mayer’s gunning for you and DO NOT date him if you want a serious relationship. It’s pretty cut and dry.

And us music fans, well, we should just enjoy his music. Who gives a shit about his love life? Maybe he’s one of those guys yearns to be forever miserable and brokenhearted because it gives his music a soul. Most people wouldn’t consider sleeping with supermodels miserable, though.

Mayer's most recent album. Do yourself a favor and check it out if you haven't.

Mayer’s most recent album. Do yourself a favor and check it out if you haven’t.

My point is that I don’t care what Mayer’s public perception was, is, or will be. I like his music. I take his music for what it is – really good art. If we relate to a piece of art and it speaks to us, isn’t that enough? I don’t need to know everything about the artist or even like them on a personal level.

This isn’t to say that I would support a bigot artist who openly champions hateful views. But a musician with a questionable relationship history? Yeah. I’m all in on their work.

Keep making awesome music, Mr. Mayer. I’ll keep listening.

Do I Buy Into The Game Of Thrones Hype?

eastyncazin@outlook.com | You may now call me Khaleesi

So for the last few months I have effectively fooled Billy into thinking that I actually watch Game of Thrones. What I really do is browse Reddit the day after and gather up the main talking points and feign my way through conversations in the office.

Accurate representation of me.

Accurate representation of me.

The other thing that might lead people to believe that I watch the show is my unabashed love for Khaleesi and her dragons. Billy has even so fondly started calling me Khaleesi and my kittens my dragons. This is a trend I am completely unopposed to. Everybody should do this. Although, Cat-eesi might be more accurate.

ALL THIS ASIDE, Billy posed a question to me.

“Why don’t you just watch the show?”

My answer was simple. I didn’t enjoy the books.

funny-picture-martin-game-of-thrones

More specifically, I didn’t like George RR Martin. I started reading them after the hype started when the show began. In theory these books should have been the fucking end all be all for me. However, I had been over-saturated with interviews of George RR Martin being George RR Martin. The omnipresent narrator throughout the series just felt like George RR Martin telling a story he was inappropriately proud of. It just rubbed me the wrong way. I could no longer separate the books from his voice.

I struggled my way through the first book. Devoured anything to do with my sweet sweet Khaleesi, and then half way through the second on and couldn’t make myself go any further.

For this reason, I do not watch the show. Not because I’m a huge book snob, but because I have found that I enjoy shows or movies based on books so much MORE when I had a strong understanding of the series that inspired it.

3102013153942

The Harry Potter movies were so fantastic to me because I had invested so much time in that world already. On the flip side, I tried watching the Hunger Games and was wholly uninvested with the story. I had no connection with anybody.

I understand that Game of Thrones is a different breed entirely, but I just feel as though if I cannot get through the books, who is to say that the show is even worth my time?

What do you think? Should I start watching the show? Or continue to just catch the highlights as they appear on Reddit?

Let me know!

Shady Movie Review: X-Men Days of Future Past

This Friday, we are excited, but somewhat apprehensive, to kick off our new series of movie reviews with “renowned” Santa Monica movie reviewer Brent Shady. Shady approached the Millennial Men late on a drunken Saturday night in an alley behind the Third Street Promenade. He looked like a mixture between Drunk Uncle (from SNL) and a used car salesman. He handed both Tommy and me his “resume,” which was actually cardboard box featuring elaborate stick-figure drawings of Shady’s former places of employment. 

Desperately in need of a movie reviewer for our blog, and slightly buzzed, Tommy and I agreed to hire Shady on the spot. Recently, it has come to our attention that Shady may be wandering gypsy, as he delivered his review of X-Men Days of Future Past to our door. We asked him to email it. His review smells like cat piss and is hand-written in the margins of a mysteriously sticky Victoria’s Secret catalogue. 

x_men_days_of_future_past_movie-wide

Below, we have transcribed Shady’s review. We are unsure as to whether he saw the film or not, and whether he is allowed to enter public places. Like I said, we’re desperate for a movie reviewer. 

***

Hey there world,

I’m Shady. Brent Shady. I’m writing for the Millennium Dudes cinema blog. Today, I’ll be reviewing X-Men: The Movie!

Man. I loved X-Men as a kid. I used to play with Superman and Batman dolls all the time. Dun-nuna-duna-duna… Spiderman! Another X-Man. God, they’re great J .

And so is this movie, starring Antonio Banderas as a Puss in Suit! He’s the best Cat Woman yet. Flying, jumping onto buildings and fighting the bad guys, the Foot Soldiers. Man, those are some evil ancient bitches. Scarier than the flying monkeys in Star Wars.

That’s the thing about this film. It’s magical. Jennifer Lawrence, wait, no it’s Jennifer Lopez as the Blue Alien – shit she’s spectacular. She’s not Jenny from the block anymore. Oh and that Michael Fasterwinder shows his dong again. Fuck that guy is hung like a horse. Gandalf’s in the movie, too, as old Fasterwinder. All kinds of sorcery going on in this tale of two cities.

Let’s take a breather for a second. I think I heard something in the garbage can. Is that a cat? Oh NO!!!

(This part of Shady’s review was marred with claw and bite marks. It’s the smelliest portion of the manifest.)

An artist's rendering of the cat in question.

An artist’s rendering of the cat in question.

Shit. Thought I was about to die. Just like everyone in X-Men. Damnit. I wasn’t supposed to tell you that was I? I couldn’t hold it in though. Who kills off the bald guy in a wheelchair? That’s just cruel. Who wrote this movie? Probably the same guy that wrote Bulletproof Monk. Jesus. He’s a good writer.

Okay. Now for the part everyone’s been waiting for… Shady’s Banana Peels!

I award this movie 14 and a half banana peels out of 15. JLo was a vision. And that short Irish guy was funny. Tyrion Lannister is out of prison in this film, so that deserved a banana peel all to itself!

See ya next week!

***

Dear God. Please find us a real movie reviewer soon. We apologize to anyone who was emotionally harmed by reading of Brent Shady’s batshit crazy movie review. 

Dear Billy: Have No Fear… Eastyn is Here!

Dear Billy,

I am pleased to inform you that I am quite possibly your best source of information for Instagram. Please, do not fret. Your fears are all valid. Instagram can be a confusing place.

Tom seems to have answered your questions quite thoroughly, so allow me to provide you with a few excess tidbits of information to consider.

What Kind of “Liker” Are You?

There are two schools of thought.

1. You can like absolutely everything and then use the absence of a like to really drive a point home.

2. You can like nothing except a few and when you do dole out those likes, boy oh boy is it awesome.

Personally, I opt for the former. It really speaks to me as a person.

Selfies?

You’re absolutely gorgeous. Post ALL OF THE SELFIES. I need them for science.

How Often to Post?

If you have a pet, you are contractually obligated to post at least three pictures of said pet a week. If you do not, you can replace that with something else. You inquired about sunsets in your previous post, and that is a perfectly acceptable option. Meals do not count as actual posts, you can do all three of those a day. Everybody is super interested in what you’re eating. Especially if you’re on a Paleo diet or participating in the cult of Crossfit.

How Many Hashtags Are TOO Many?

Any more than three is gratuitous.

Which Kardashians Do I Follow?

All of them.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER

A Guide to Instagram for Billy

Let me first start by saying, I am no Instagram expert, but based on the crazy talking heads that cable news brings on to be an “expert” I see no reason why I can’t be your Instagram Expert. What’s the worst that can happen?

http://themillennial-man.com/2014/05/22/dear-tommy-and-eastyn-i-got-an-instagram-im-scared/

Let’s get to answering your questions starting with the most pressing one.

1. Yes, Emma Watson does have an Instagram. It is @EmWatson_, so do not get fooled by any of the others that actually have more followers, @emmawatsons is up to 997k, than her actual Instagram that has 13k followers. Celebrities do not use Instagram nearly as much as twitter, but there are a few. The biggest may be President Barack Obama. Keep an eye on the leader of the free world and judge him for the filters he uses.

http://instagram.com/barackobama#

2. Speaking of filters, #nofilter, is a way of showing off when you take a really cool photo that does not require a filter to be awesome. It is typically a ploy to get more likes for a photo via respect shown from fellow Gram Mams. Just made that nickname up. Hope it sticks. It captures the essence of Instagram, blatantly bragging in order to garner electronic approval from your followers to both shame them into feeling inferior and help give you a false sense of superiority. It is all about denying how sad and pathetic your life really is, one like at a time.

be113ce9fdcef3c297372d8f2cb8db3595bc027d3d23b66fe835c9e268f9afbb

3. And speaking of likes, the phrase double-tapping my Insta-g refers to the amount of likes your photos are getting. Double-tapping a photo is a quick, cool way to like it.

4. Filters are a subjective thing, like Global Warming or penis size. And are also judge harshly by your friends, just like those as well. Each photo is a snow flake waiting to find its right filter, so make sure to browse them all. Knowing you as well as I do though, I will warn you to stay away from Willow and Inkwell. I know you love some black n’ white, but it gets pretty old, pretty fast on Instagram.

Stay away from this filter at all costs.

Stay away from this filter at all costs.

5. The only thing worse than black n’ white are sunsets. Enough with the sunsets people. Jesus Christ! You act like some sort of supernatural occurrence happened. Like Fox News saying the 2nd Amendment is ruining our country. Or New York City not smelling like shit. It’s just the fucking sun people. It rises and sets every single day. In the words of the immortal Uncle Joey, “cut it out”

 

6. Instagram is not free my friend, it costs us a little piece of our dignity every time we use it.

7. If you believe a photo really does say a thousand words, then you can definitely write a blog post on it. Or in my case, at least the first half of one where I ramble incoherently till I finally get to my point.

8. Athletes use Instagram less than celebrities. And Tom Ricketts unfortunately does not have an Instagram, but pictures of craps are reserved exclusively for Snapchat. Trust me, those three seconds will be engrained in the person’s mind for the rest of their lives.

9. Be careful, unfortunately Instagram does not have an age restriction of 18+older. James Franco and I have gotten in trouble because of this.

10. As for your final question, if we listen to what a pretentious Doctor said on NPR we would question every fucking thing we did. Fuck that guy. You do you.