Would You Rather

This week’s would you rather is for the straight male readers. Apologies ladies and my homosexual friends, I’ll make it up to you with more evidence that disproves the stereotype that women aren’t funny. Would rather get fucked in the ass for $100,000 a day or not? Yes, I realize this is not a traditional would you rather, but guess what, I don’t give a fuck. 

The crux of this question is what would you do for 100 grand a day. Ladies and my homosexual friends feel free to think of this question in this manner. For me the answer is, anything short of a felony. Seriously, I would do anything short of committing a crime that comes with a felony tag for that kind of money. You want me to literally eat shit, give me a $100 grand a day. You want me to ruin the housing market with irresponsible loans? I’ll work for Goldman Sachs and make $100 grand a day. You want me to kick dogs, just write a check with a 1 followed by five zeros. Rather have me kick a cat? Well, you don’t have to pay me anything, I do that for free.

$100,000 a day equates to $36.5 million a year. If I keep that out the hands of Uncle Sam I can retire at the age of 26. Considering that I will not have a wife or any kids to ever worry about I can easily live off that money. Therefore, if any super rich man, who may or may not direct a famous movie franchise based on a famous Marvel Cartoon series, is interested in slipping one in the backdoor, then just plop $100k on the table, break out the good K&Y Jelly, put on some Marvin Gaye, pun intended, and go to town.

I’m sure more than a few readers are disgusted at the very thought and it is definitely a difficult pill to swallow. Or perhaps enema to take would be more appropriate.  But I think there are a lot worse ways to earn that kind of money. If I had to choose to make $36.5 million working a soul crushing, boring, office job that gives me no satisfaction for 80-100 hours a week or a quick 5-30 min romp in the old poop shooter, give me the latter.

Sure it would be psychology damaging at first, but it would not last as long as the stress of the long, grueling job that slowly removes all pleasure from my life. A job that makes it impossible for me to come home and spend time with my family without downing a few glasses of scotch and eventually leads to at least three divorces, plus the alimony that comes with said divorces.

We all want to get super rich doing the thing we love, but lets face it only 1% of us will ever achieve said goal. The American Dream is great to aspire to, but it also distracts us from the reality that the system ends up fucking over a lot more of us than it ever helps. If someone offered us a bet with the same odds of winning as achieving the American Dream, then we would all walk away if it cost us $100 grand to play. How much is the rest of our lives worth? A whole lot more I would hope.

Everyone needs to temper their expectations and realize that there is happiness outside of the much publicized American Dream of becoming the super rich amongst us. The reason our country has such low taxes on the super rich compared to other countries is that we’re convinced someday we will be one of those super rich and we do not want to pay those taxes when we get there.

Achieving that level of financial success comes with steep costs one way or the other, time, work, moral ambiguity, friends, and even family. In the grand scheme of things getting a dick in the ass is not as bad as some of the other prices we could pay. It is highly homophobic to think that is so disgusting as to pass on an amount of money that can take care of ourselves and our families for the rest of their lives. For me this would you rather is easy, give me that $100 grand a day and in a year you can find me on the links at Pebble Beach for the rest of my life.

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