Dear Emma (Watson),
Eastyn informed me today is your birthday, so have a good one. I promised I wouldn’t write any more letters, but unlike a dementor, I have a soul.
What else is there to say, really? I don’t know how much more you could ask for on your birthday than my undying love. And I already gave that to you. I didn’t need an occasion.
I’m not bitter. I think your cold, quiet rejection helped me see the world for what it really is: a place where only some people get to live out their wildest fantasies. The rest of us trudge through the monotony of everyday life with stenciled-on grins to hide our charred souls.
I stole that last line from a Hallmark card I found in the “Tongue-In-Cheek Birthday” section at CVS. I would send it, but your consistent show of apathy leads me to believe you’d toss any paper greeting from me straight into the trash. And frankly, I can’t waste $4 right now.
Luckily, writing this blog post is free, so happy 24th, Hermione. Hope you enjoy it teaching yoga or doing whatever awesome thing you’re doing these days.