Wrestlemania Mailbag

This Sunday brings the biggest event on the Sports Entertainment calendar, Wrestlemania. And in honor of the 30th anniversary of this gigantic, pop culture changing event I thought it would be a good time to break out the first ever Millennial Man Mailbag. As will become usual once we do this more than one time, these are actual questions from actual readers.

 

Alright, this is getting a little creepy. I mean it was cute in college when you were toeing the line between dedicated fan and stalker. It was okay when you started writing on this site in a style a little more than loosely based on mine. And I even didn’t care that you took a shot at me in front of my man crush, Russel “Hustle, Bustle, Mounds of Man Muscle” Wilson. But this is too far, forget copyright infringement I’m putting out a restraining order. Stay away from my family and me. – Bill S., Los Angeles

Alright, easy there Harrison FordClick on that link for a good laugh. Maybe if someone hadn’t ignored my emails, cursed the Bulls and Derrick Rose by picking them first in your pre-season NBA power rankings, and stopped being a sports reporter for the people, instead becoming the shadow Emperor of the Mothership, then maybe this could’ve gone differently. Also, blowing me off at Monday Night Raw in the Staples Center a couple months ago didn’t help. As far as I’m concerned you’ve pulled a Hogan at 1996 Bash at the Beach and even if I have to hide in the rafters for a year I’ll get my revenge.

You’re a combination of a dweeb, weirdo, loser, dork, and lonely pathetic guy whom no one loves so you masturbate incessantly in your room and don’t even bother to clean it up. Why would I watch a stupid event like Wrestlemania and be associated with people like you? – Carol, San Francisco

First off, ouch. Secondly, I’ll admit that Wrestlemania is not for everyone, but it is also not something that deserves ridicule. We all have our guilty pleasures. Everyone needs some programming that helps them zone and escape for a little while. It helps us deal with the stresses of life. Watching Wrestlemania is no different than watching the Kardashians, Real Housewives, or any other trashy reality show. And it is certainly on the same level as watching the smash hit, The Walking Dead. But Tommy The Walking Dead is a nuanced, character driven thriller based on the Graphic Novel series. It’s a fucking comic book. You can call a $10 hooker an escort if you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that she is covered in STDs. Look The Walking Dead is all about zombies getting their heads blown off. It is the only reason to watch, yet it tries to pretend to be something more, some kind of higher art, and that just pisses me off. Wrestling not only does not hide from what it is, it embraces it. Not to mention that there is better acting in the ring than Andrew Lincoln’s cry face.

Why are people not ripping WWE creative for it’s lazy booking and throwing everyone into a hastily put together Battle Royal, then covering it up by having Hulk Hogan announce it and calling it the Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal. Why not just literally piss on his grave? W-T-Fuck? – Jim, Carson City 

Couldn’t agree more and let’s not forget that we’re only three months removed from the Royal Rumble. If you’re going to water down an event, might as well make it the most exciting one, Money in the Bank. Now that there is only one belt, why not use the Money in the Bank to bring back some legitimacy to the Intercontinental Title. It is a real shame that in the four months since the title unification that WWE has done nothing creative with the IC belt and that its champion has to be stuck in this stupid Battle Royal. For shame, WWE. Glass half full perspective, at least it isn’t the US Championship, which is a month away from a year long title reign that has seen a grand total of three title defenses.

What is your Great Lakes ranking of hottest WWE Divas of All-time? – Sally, Fort Wayne 

Love that the Great Lakes rankings is entering your guys lexicon, keep spreading the word. Alright, so I’m going to use some executive power here and declare the Bella Twins as one diva, which would make them my Lake Erie. Before Total Divas came out they would’ve been my Superior, but things change. Next, I’m going with Lita as my Huron. It’s a tough call between Trish Stratus and Lita, both helped me get through puberty. But the older, somewhat wiser me as waned on Trish, I just don’t find her as sexy. Nothing has waned about Lita though. There is just something about her that I find outrageously sexy. Perhaps it could be this live sex show she did in the ring back in 2006.

As much as Lita and Trish got me through puberty, these next two woman were part of my historic, Sandy Kouffax esque, reign from 8th-10th grade. Lake Superior, Torrie Wilson. No need for words just watch the following clip.

As for my Lake Ontario, I’m going with the long legs of Dancing With The Stars champion, Stacy Kiebler. Any woman good enough for George Clooney and my man Geoff Stults, is good enough to land a spot on my Great Lakes list.

And for my Lake Michigan, I’m going with the hometown pick of Maria Kanellis. A stir fry of sexiness, Maria just brings more to the table than any other diva. Does the fact she grew up in Chicago affect my decision, you bet your ass it does, but are you telling me she is not worthy of being Lake Michigan?

Hello, Lake Michigan.

Hello, Lake Michigan.

You’re out at a bar with your girl. Which wrestler, in their prime, are you most worried about walking in and stealing her? Ravishing Rick Rude? Ric Flair? Cena? – Juan Pablo, Miami

Flair was too busy with women he bought to steal your girl. Cena has a strong case. He’s got name recognition, has done like a billion Make-A-Wishes, and is now the love interest on a cheesy reality show on E! But I still have to go with Randy Orton. He does not have the name recognition of Cena and is too busy smoking e-cigarettes and crapping in bags to grant kids wishes. However, he does look like he was built in a factory by woman looking for the perfect guy to fantasize about having a torrid love affair. He has the pretty looks, the outrageous athletic body, and is full of douchiness that allows women to not feel guilty about all the raunchy, nasty things they’ll do together. If you’re ever in a bar with a girlfriend and Orton walks through the door, get the fuck out of there.

A little sexy pic for the ladies.

A little sexy pic for the ladies.

What would be your all-time Wrestlemania card? – Wynn-Rai, Atlantic City

Great question, Wynn-Rai. Let’s see, I’m going to go ahead and pretend that I’m booking this year’s Wrestlemania with all-time matches.

Kick-off Show:

Brett Hart vs. Shawn Michaels – Iron Man Match, Wrestlemania 12

  • The Kick-Off Show opens with the opening bell. Iron Man Matches are a bit like soccer, the fluidity of it excites some die-hard fans, but bores most Americans. It is too hard to fit this match on the regular card with so many to choose from, but it deserves a spot. Plus the Kick-Off Show panel can inject some life into the slower portions of this match.

Star Spangled Banner – The incomparable Whitney Houston gets Wrestlemania underway with a dynamite performance of our National Anthem.

Announce Team – Three man booth with Gorrilla Monsoon, Jim Ross, and Bobby “the Brain” Heenan.

Opening Match – The opening match is crucial, it needs to get the action started and the crowd hot to sit through four hours of wrestling. Money in the Bank did a great job of this for many years. But which one to choose? I’m a stickler for OGs, so I’ve to go with the first ever Wrestlemania 21.

Match 2 – Steamboat vs Randy Savage, Wrestlemania 3

  • The Crowd is hot and rearing for more, but we cannot follow up the high flying danger of Money in the Bank with another dangerous match, so instead we give them a wrestling clinic. Steamboat vs Savage is one the cleanest, most fluid matches ever. It will wow the fans and keep the momentum going.

Match 3 – Bret Hart vs Stone Cold in a Submission Match – WrestleMania 13

  • A great combination of fluidity and brutality this match featured the rare double turn. As Stone Cold became a full fledge Babyface and the Hitman took a turn to the dark side for the first time in his career. And yes, in my Wrestlemania we openly use steroids to allow our wrestlers to bounce back an hour after wrestling for 60 minutes.

Match 4 – Tag Team TLC Match, Wrestlemania 17

  • The originators of the TLC match, The Dudley Boys, Hardy Boyz, and Edge and Christian turn the intensity back up in this brutal match that will leave fans wondering how everyone involved was able to walk away under their own power.

Match 5 – Billionaire vs Billionaire Hair Match, Wrestlemania 23

  • Every Wrestlemania needs some comedic relief. It serves as an intermission, a chance to calm down from all the hard hitting action. I chose this one because, it never gets old seeing Uncle Vinny Mac gets his head shaved and it actually features two talented wrestlers in Bobby Lashley and Umaga.

Match 6 – The Rock vs Stone Cold Steve Austin, Wrestlemania 17

  • Time for business to pick back up. The first of our unheralded three Co-Main Event. This No DQ Championship match capped off what many call the greatest Wrestlemania of all-time. It happened at the height of WWE’s popularity and to have the top two stars, perhaps of all-time, going for the Championship made this the most anticipated match of all-time. However, it does not close the show because of the villainous heel turn by Stone Cold. My Wrestlemania will not send the fans home disappointed. Damn it!

Match 7 – Hulk Hogan vs Andre the Giant, Wrestlemania 3

  • Not my favorite, but it needs to be on here because it is a crowd pleaser and that is what the show is all about. Probably the most famous match in Wrestlemania history, as 93,000+ saw the Hulkster pick up and slam the 500 pound Giant in the Pontiac Silverdome.

Match 8 – Shawn Michaels vs The Undertaker, Wrestlemania 25

  • As the two Championship matches on the 25th Wrestlemania would learn, there is just no following this match. It just takes too much out of the crowd. This is the one to send the people home breathless. An instant classic that became everyone and their mother’s greatest Wrestlemania match of all-time.

I love your articles. I read them everyday right before the Wall Street Journal, but after I serve breakfast at a homeless children’s shelter. Thank you for providing the world with your thoughts. – Patrick, South Bend

Yes, these are my readers, a classy and thoughtful group. Suck on that, Simmons.

 

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