A Guide to Having an Adult Bedroom

Everyone hates getting older. You can’t drink as much, your hangovers are worse, and if you talk about alcohol too much, people think you’re an alcoholic.  People have invented creams, drinks and even surgeries to maintain that illusive glow that only the young obliviously possess. But, before I make you start crying about your upcoming birthday, I must remind you that with age comes wisdom and class. Maybe you don’t stay out partying until 4am as much, but you also aren’t throwing up in your bed… which is always a win in my book.

But with age also comes a need to “adult-ify” one’s life, and not throwing up in bed is, at best, a good start. The most fundamental place to start this “adult-ification” (yes, this made-up word is here to stay) is in your bedroom.  There are a number of steps that a budding millenial like yourself can take to turn your dorm room of college legend into an real-life adult master bedroom:

Clean It –

We’re going to start off basic because I’ve seen some bedrooms of men older than me that don’t even begin to meet this requirement. And while I promise I’m trying my best to sound as little like your mom as possible, there isn’t much I can do about it when I say: CLEAN YOUR ROOM! I’m not saying you have to dust and wipe down your nightstand every day, but if you don’t remember what color your carpet is, that’s a problem.  If you want to embrace your newfound maturity, you have to be able to walk to your bedroom door without having to kick any clothes out of the way.

Trash It –

This may be a hard pill to swallow, but everything you bought in college isn’t awesome. Your groovy blacklight lamp and your flimsy IKEA desk that were purchased under the guise of “well, at least it’s cheap” are just that… cheap. And as you enter adulthood, the number of flimsy and groovy things in your bedroom should persistently dwindle. And while you feel like you want to pass on the legacy of your white plastic dresser through the magic of craigslist, sometimes its easier and more practical to throw it away. Because if your dresser can fit in a garbage can, it should be in one.

Frame It –

This one is a two-parter so get ready. First part, PICTURE frames. The days of adorning your walls with concert posters and tapestries held up with duct tape and thumb tacts has long passed.  Now, it’s time to frame the things you want and lose that Grateful Dead/Audrey Hepburn poster that you bought at the campus store freshman year.

Second part, BED frame. I realize it once seemed very cool to own a bed that you could just walk near and drunkenly fall into.  It certainly made one-night-stands seem that much much spontaneous. But as it turns out, bed frames serve a purpose beyond making your bed look fancy. Bedroom floors are gross (because you probably don’t clean them) and the farther away you are the better.  And hey, who doesn’t want more storage, right?!

Rearrange It –

Arranging a room does not seem like the kind of thing an adult and a millenial do differenlyt but you’d be profoundly surprised. The organization of furniture to create room rather than drinking surfaces is one of the main differences.  And while this may seem a bit nuanced, how many adults do you know with beds pushed up against the wall? Almost zero.  That’s because adults plan on having someone in bed with them, which is either delightfully romantic or wildly over-confident. Either way, give that bed a push into the center of the wall, get a desk chair for your desk and get an area rug… It’s a good thing.

Don’t Worry About It –

This may be the most important step in the process.  If you don’t want to let go of the college posters, floor beds and blacklights of your past, then don’t! Remember, this is merely a guide for those interested in making the transition and are in need of a push in the right direction.  Make your bedroom reflect your own weird personality! Because it doesn’t matter how old I get, I will always have “George Carlins Incomplete List of Inappropriate Words” on my wall… and that’s about as adult as it gets.

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