Asshole of the Week

We’re closing the polls early cause we’ve got three competitors that will not be topped. As Team America says “pussies hate dicks, cause pussies get fucked by dicks, but dicks also fuck assholes. And assholes just want to shit all over everything.”

"Ah, black people commit street crimes if they don't make it to the NBA."

“Ah, black people commit street crimes if they don’t make it to the NBA.”

I’d like to put myself in the dick column and today there are three assholes that need fucking. First up is Minnesota Congressman Pat Garofalo. He had this lovely tweet about the NBA. “Let’s be honest, 70% of teams in NBA could fold tomorrow + nobody would notice a difference w/ possible exception of increase in street crime.” Nothing like a racist congressman, bit redundant I realize, taking to twitter. We all know that white congressman are really racist assholes, so in a way it is refreshing to see Garofalo be so un-apolegtically open about it. Oh wait, he did apologize, after the shit storm that fell on him. Classic asshole move. 

It’s funny Mr. Garofalo, cause I would counter that we could get rid of 90% of Congress and nobody would notice the difference accept for the increase of laws being passed. Street crime is hardly the biggest issue facing this nation, it is the back log in Washington and petty, divisive battles from both sides of the isle. The United States Congress has failed the American public and that is far worse than any street crimes being committed.

Why the confused face? Are you reading an email about a bill passing?

Why the confused face? Are you reading an email about a bill passing?

And why would you assume that all basketball players would be committing street crimes if not for basketball. Being a professional athlete requires a lot of hard work, dedication, and intelligence in order to, in the words of Jalen Rose, Keep Gettin’ Dem Checks. Those are three things that you and your colleagues know nothing about. I’d imagine you’d have a hard time surviving without all the vacation time you guys give yourself. Frankly, Congressman, go see Home State hero, Joe Mauer, and have him shove his Louisville slugger straight up your gaping ass. Go fuck yourself.

Our next two assholes were in the same room together having a Nique-Bird esque shootout of assholes. They were the McConaughey and Harrelson of assholes. The assholes in question are Mark McCowden, Esquire, and Canada’s worst export Justin Bieber from the latters deposition last week.

Check out the video:

Now, Bieber’s assholeness shines through in this video. He is the McConaughey to DiCowden’s Woody. There really is no need to elaborate on all the ways Bieber is being a mega-asshole and really he is in a McConnaisance of assholeness over the past year-plus.

DiCowden gives the subtler performance and it is impressive that he can raise his game to match Bieber. He represents all that is wrong with lawyers and is a prime example of why celebrities get away with crimes easier than normal people. The high priced legal team is obviously the top reason. Instead of acting professional and litigating like a lawyer in order to present a case against Bieber. He takes the chance to grill him with unrelated questions and also fails to keep his cool, which ends up making Bieber look far better than he should.

We would all love the chance to give Bieber the full Theon Greyjoy and leave him broken and dickless, but DiCowden is supposed to show some semblance of professionialism. Plus he is dumb  enough to fall into Bieber’s trap. You cannot much unfethered smug assholeness with over aggressive behavior. He needed to throw Bieber off his game by staying relaxed and asking him strange questions. Maybe even throw in a few winks, blow him a kiss, anything to get him off his game, and freaking out.

As the son of two lawyers, I have to give a big fuck you  to DiCowden. As for Bieber, one day you will be tortured and castrated, so enjoy the ride while it lasts, asshole.

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