Letter to Kristen Bell (Asking For a Friend)

Hey Kristen,

I just watched Frozen last Friday. It was fucking awesome. The movie was one of the most fun films I’ve seen in a long time – animated or not. You’re a pretty good singer. It’s hard to go toe-to-toe with the wickedly talented Idina Menzel – or should I say Adele Dazim – but you did a fine job. Everyone’s talking about the Oscar-winning “Let It Go,” but I thought your efforts in “For the First Time In Forever” made that song just as catchy and gold statue-worthy.

Kristen Bell

You might (understandably) wonder why I’m writing you. Well, I know that your heart isn’t as frozen as a girl I used to write. I refuse to call her by her name anymore, so let’s refer to her as She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Anyway, as I was saying, I know you’re a warm, bubbly people-person. You’re the girl next door we all wish we could have dated throughout high school.

Since we’re talking about high school, I want to mention that one of my best buddies Tommy D, who also happens to be a co-founder of The Millennial Man, has loved you since back then. These days he writes about a bunch of different women that he “loves”, but I know his first true love: It’s you, Ms. Bell. Tommy is a romantic, despite his suave, player-ish exterior. When you decided to shack up with (Dax) Shepard, part of Tommy’s heart broke. He hasn’t been the same since. I refuse to let you hurt him the way She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named has broken me.

I saw that Omaze, an awesome humanitarian organization that provides regular people with an opportunity to meet awesome celebrities like Matt Damon and Ben Affleck to raise awareness about pressing global issues, is offering an opportunity to be your date to the premiere of Veronica Mars. I’m entering the contest and I’m determined to win for my buddy. I might not know a damn thing about Veronica Mars, but I know he loves it. And I know it made him fall for you.

Last week, Tommy listed the reasons why he is single. It was a very amusing and honest self-reflection. However, he left out one of the biggest reasons why he continues to ride solo, Jason Derulo style: You hurt him. Sometimes, things hurt us so much that we refuse to talk about them. Some wounds are so painful that we bury them so deep in our subconscious that not even an Indiana Jones-led archaeological dig can uncover them. I believe you inflicted one of those pains upon my old pal.

Not even Indy can uncover some emotional baggage.

Not even Indy can uncover some emotional baggage.

Luckily, it’s not too late to fix it, Kristen. The first step in this swift and glorious healing process is to select my application as your winner for the Omaze contest. You can wine and dine Tommy – he’s a cheap, entertaining date – and you’ll find that he can carry a conversation, too. Ease him back into the idea of caring for you again. It shouldn’t take too long.

You might ask, again, why I’m sending this letter. Not all of us are meant to be with the celebrities we want to be with, but I feel that Thomas Augustus Demetrio has a chance because you seem to be the sweetest and cutest actress out there. I might be destined for a life of normal person relationships, but it’s not too late for Tommy. So, I just wanted to ask for a friend. Take Adele Dazim’s advice, and let it go, Kristen. Give it a shot.

Sincerely,

Billy Kirland

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