Reasons I’m Single

I hate popular trends, but the recent internet trend or meme, still not totally sure what constitutes a meme, “Reasons Why I’m Single” caught my attention. It has been popping up on Tumblr, Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and just about every other corner of the internet people go to complain about self indulgent problems. As a single man, single Millennial Man, it would be cathartic to produce my own list of reasons I’m single. And yes, it is also slightly about attracting more page views.

1. Internal Debate on the Merits – Gus and Marcus Antonio San Keota’s first debate topic was monogamy. Since these combatants do not actually exist, but are rather allegorical figments of my own internal debates. If I had to choose I’d side with MASK and monogamy, just as those who voted did. But the fact that I have doubts about monogamy makes it difficult to commit, pun intended. A relationship is not something to do half-ass and until I completely settle this debate I will not be bringing enough to any relationship.

I wish this was a dramatization of what my room looks like.

I wish this was a dramatization of what my room looks like.

2. Disorganized Mess –  As much as I try to improve and to be honest I could put in more effort, organization is still a weakness of mine. I’m lucky enough to have some well-organized friends in my life that serve as inspiration to improve that aspect in my life. But it takes some time to break a habit. An elementary school teacher I had told me it took 99 days, but I’m going to assume she actually meant weeks instead of days or maybe even months. Either way, she was totally off base. It is not necessary to be organized in order to be in a relationship, but it certainly requires more organization than I bring to the table. I’ve got certain, unique, ways of doing things that would drive most other people crazy. It is one thing for roommates or friends to put up with it, but a girlfriend would hold me to a higher standard that I’m not capable of reaching, at the moment.

3. Terrible Memory/Listener – These two need to go together because it is a direct proportional relationship between the two. I may not know much about women, but I do know that they do not like when you do not remember something they already told you, especially when it is important to them. And they really like when you listen to them, especially when it involves their feelings. I’ve got a terrible memory, things slip my mind all the time, which is why I try to write everything down. As the ancient Chinese proverb goes, “The faintest ink is stronger the the most vivid memory.” However, it does not look good if I write everything a woman says to me like I’m a detective on Law and Order. It is an affront, like everything they are saying is not important enough for me to remember. Plus it just looks very strange and certainly does not promote an aura of sexiness.

This kid has a great strategy.

This kid has a great strategy.

As for listening to feelings and emotions, it is not really my bag. Want to talk Bears offseason plans? I’m all ears. Hypothetical situations or dilemmas, such as the Goat fucking one from a couple weeks ago, or where you’d first go if time travel was real? I’ll sit and listen to an entire disorientation on that shit. But start expressing deep, honest emotions? I start to get a little queasy.  It is nothing personal, I want to listen and I do care, but my guttural reaction is to start spacing out and just nodding a lot. I realize this is a huge problem and more than my organization I work to improve this trait, and I’m starting to get better. But I want to become great at it because I realize its importance to having a healthy relationship.

4. Stubborn – I don’t like compromise, which is a major tenant of a relationship. I’ve always believed that people should be free to do whatever they want, whenever they want. Not that I’m trying to compare a relationship to a tyrannical dictator, but being in one means everything has to be considered together, as a pair. Two people will have disagreements or want to do different things at the same time. My philosophy is that when these things happen, we should do them separately.

I want to go to the bar to watch the basketball game, you want to go to the movies together. Why don’t you go to the movies and I’ll go to the bar? It makes sense to me, but as it turns out that is actually a personal affront taken as not wanting to hang out with the person. It is not how I meant it. I just like to do what I want to do, when I want to do. It leads to a lot of last minute plans and involves a fly by the seat of your pants mentality that is not well suited for a relationship. Until I’m more willing to plan things, and be more compromising about plans it will be frustrating to be in a relationship with me. Unless of course I find someone with a similar attitude, but still she would have to put up with all my other issues.

Preach.

Preach.

5. Laziness – My natural state is sloth like, at best. If I could make money lying on a couch, then I would totally do it. It takes a lot of effort and focus to work hard at my job, write articles for this site, and work on scripts, short films, and stand up material. After focusing on all of this, never all in the same day, my body and soul is drained of effort. This is why a workout routine is hard for me to start and impossible for me to maintain. A relationship requires a lot of effort and hard work. An effort I am lacking as I’ve put all of it into other aspects of my life. I either need something to kick in that will break my need to lounge around doing nothing for a some amount of the day or need to stop caring about one of the aspects I do put effort into, so I can then focus it on a relationship. Since, I do not want the latter to happen, I’m waiting for a change of mentality to occur, so I can put the proper effort into maintaining a healthy relationship.

6. Unsentimental- Vampire Weekend is my favorite band of the last five years. One of its songs, “Taxi Cab,” captures my feelings on sentimentality better than I can. “Unsentimental, Driving around, Sure of myself, Sure of it now, You stand this close to me, Like the future was suppose to be, In the eyes of the Grocery, In the blocks uptown, I remember, Remember it well, But if I forgotten, Would you tell?”

7. Narcissist – All of these reasons can be put under the umbrella of me being too narcissistic to make a relationship work. It takes sacrifice and commitment to another person that I’m not capable of at the moment. Typically I hate these self indulgent internet memes, but this one turned out to be useful. It forces a person to become self-aware of their weaknesses. All of these reasons are things I need to improve about myself, but as long as I remain self aware I have the chance to improve them. As soon as I loose all self awareness, I lose hope in becoming a better person. Thank you “Reasons Why I’m Single” I’m glad I did not just make some sarcastic article that feeds my cynical views. Shit, I guess I have one more reason to add. 

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