Winter vs Summer Olympics
This week Gus and Marcus Antonio San Keota debate which Olympics is better, Summer or Winter?
Gus: Easy, Summer Olympics, debate over. Let’s go grab a drink.
MASK: No way, Winter is much better. And it is 11am.
Gus: First off, so what, this is America. I’m free to have a drink whenever I want. Secondly, this is America, we dominate the Summer Olympics. Therefore, it is the best.
MASK: The domination is exactly why the Summer Olympics gets boring. There is more parity in the Winter games. I like parity in my NFL and like it in my Olympics too.
Gus: Parity? The pride of our nation is on the line. There is no time for parity. Why would I want to watch an Olympics where a bunch of socialist Scandinavians, communist Russians, and worst of all, yuppie Canadians can win as many gold medals as us.
MASK: Classic xenophobic American attitude. Beyond the parity, Winter brings the hard hitting action that Summer is missing. There are wipeouts, body checks, and hell even curling can be a dangerous sport.
Gus: You know what else is hard hitting action?
MASK: Oh no, not a penis joke.
Gus: The rock hard boner I get every time an American stands on top of the podium and the national anthem plays. Last Winter games it only happened nine times, while the Summer games in Bejing brought us 46 gold medals. Plus those were double boners since we did it on Chinese soil and reminded them we’re still the dominant force.
MASK: Summer sports are so boring. Who wants to watch people swim for hours on end? Or just run in circles for an extended period of time? Give me someone flying down a mountain at 80 mph taking razor sharp turns? Or someone flying over twenty feet in the air and contorting his or her body with twists and flips that defy logic. Or people trekking through the woods on skis, only stopping to shoot guns at targets. The Winter games are significantly more badass than the Summer.
Gus: Falling down a mountain isn’t a sport, it’s suicide. Besides Winter Olympics feature far too many subjective sports. Where the winner is decided by some unseen judges. I don’t want my gold medals handed out like Presidencies in Africa. Give me a decisive winner.
MASK: Oh thee of little faith in humanity. Theses judges are trained to make these decisions. If you trust a professional health care profession, then you should be able to trust a professional judge.
Gus: Whatever, nerd. You want to talk badass? Let’s talk Michael Phelps winning 8 gold medals in one Olympics.
MASK: Maybe if swimmers had to deal with whirlpools or sharks I’d be interested.
Gus: Kerri Strug nailing the vault with a broken leg to win U.S. the Women’s Gymnastics team gold.
MASK: Women’s gymnastics? Have you gone around your neighborhood yet to inform the neighbors you’re a pedophile?
Gus: The Dream Team running train on the rest of the world on its way to Gold in Barcelona. The winter games can’t put Jordan, Magic, Bird, Pippen, and Barkley on the same team.
MASK: No, but it does bring us hockey, a much more exciting sport. And what was that event that happened in hockey back in the 80s? Oh yeah, the motherfucking Miracle on Ice. Bitch!
Gus: Alright, I didn’t want to do this, but you brought out the big guns and it is Black History Month. The Winter Olympics are racist. Like Birmingham 1950s racist.
MASK: What are you talking about?
Gus: Name one black athlete on the US team?
Gus: Besides Shani Davis.
MASK: Damn. You’re right it is kind of racist.
Gus: Kind of racist? There are more black people at a KKK meeting than there are in Sochi. It is not only the US, all of the countries who compete in the Winter games make a Mumford Sons concert look like open mic night at the Apollo.
MASK: Races are made up of more than black and white. Every nation brings its own unique ethnicity. Your love of the Summer games is xenophobic, which is also racist.
Gus: Why can’t you get my America like Cadillac does?
MASK: God I hate you.