The Dating Machine: Last-Minute Valentine’s Day Advice

It’s been a few weeks since I introduced the world to the Dating Machine. In case you missed it, I built a machine that gives us all some much-needed dating advice.

The Dating Machine was built with past experiences, online dating advice, Facebook posts, Instagram pictures, Twitter trends, Shakespeare plays, every John Hughes movie, cheap cologne, Trader Joe’s two buck chuck, good-smelling candles from Target, socks, ancient Latin love poems, Love Actually, Barry White music, and all seven Harry Potter books. It looks like and iPhone3 because I constructed it on my old phone.

With February 14 just two nights away, I figured it’d be a good time to see if the Dating Machine (DM) had any good last minute Valentine’s Day advice. I’ve selected a handful of questions from readers to feed DM and get some answers.

Me: Hey DM, long time not talk. Happy almost Valentine’s Day!

Dating Machine: Hey, BK. I’m assuming you’re alone again this Valentine’s Day?

Me: We talked about this. You’re supposed to be nicer.

DM: I’m just kidding. Isn’t that what you humans do? I’m sure you’ve found a Valentine’s Day date by now. I mean it’s been years…

Me: Well, no. And wait – how do you know so much about me?

DM: You’d be surprised at how gossipy your old iPhone3 is. Learn to delete info, by the way. It’s the 21st century, man. Don’t leave digital footprints

Me: Okay, can you stop being a dick for a couple minutes? I want to ask you some questions from some of our readers.

DM: Yeah. I’m really only a dick to you because it’s fun.

Me: Thanks. Okay, Tim C. from Sioux Falls, South Dakota, asks if it’s too late to make a dinner reservation for V-Day?

America's most romantic city.

America’s most romantic city.

DM: Hmm. Tsk, tsk, Timothy. You should’ve thought ahead, but we all make the mistake of waiting until the last minute. I doubt there are any places with available reservations, especially in a small town with four restaurants like Sioux Falls. I think your best option is to go overboard now. Clean your room. Get some candles. Learn how to make dinner (or make microwaveable food look like home-cooked). Buy rose petals and sprinkle them everywhere and anywhere. Play some sexy music. Look at your lady in the eyes. Lick your lips. Take your clothes off and…

Me: Okay, okay. We get the point, DM. Jeese.

DM: Not my problem you programmed me to be the best mechanical lover this side of Scarlett Johansson, you prude.

Me: Ugh. Alright. Stacey F. from New York City, New York, asks if she needs to something special for her guy this Valentine’s Day?

DM: Hey, Stacey. I just looked you up on Facebook and you’re quite a catch. 😉 That’s a winky face. Anyway, yes. I think love or lust is a two-way street these days. You can’t expect your guy to take you out and not give back anything in return. Get him a six-pack of his favorite beer. Buy him a cool t-shirt. Make him an old-fashioned mix CD. Put on some sexy lingerie. Red lace. Deep red lipstick. Aphrodisiac-ish perfume. Then wink at him and…

Me: My god! That escalated quickly. You’re one horny machine.

DM: Sorry. It’s hard and lonely out here for a dating machine. I’m the only one around, you know? I’m autonomous, but it doesn’t mean I don’t have needs.

Me: Sorry, I didn’t think about that. Mind if we ask one more question to keep your mind off of it?

DM: Sure.

Me: Thanks. Kara B. in Denver, Colorado, asks what the best Valentine’s Day movie is? Her boyfriend doesn’t really like romantic comedies and they’re staying in to cuddle and watch a flick.

DM: Your boyfriend doesn’t like romantic comedies because he hasn’t seen the best one of all time. That, without a doubt, is When Harry Met Sally. Watch it together and be amazed by the natural chemistry between Billy Crystal and an extremely hot, bombshell-ish Meg Ryan in her prime. The movie explores the age-old question of whether or not a guy and girl can be friends. It’s perfectly written, well acted, and a great Valentine’s Day movie for both guys and gals.

More importantly, it has this amazingly hot scene:

I will take what Billy Crystal is having. 😉 That’s another winky face and I mean Meg Ryan.

Me: Wow. First, I didn’t know you knew how to play videos. Second, you have an unrelenting sex drive.

DM: It’s a blessing and a curse. 😦 That’s a sad face.

Me: I have a surprise for you. I made reservations for you and Siri from my iPhone 4s this Friday at Best Buy.

DM: Really?

Me: Yeah. I figured just because I don’t have a date, doesn’t mean you and my new iPhone shouldn’t.

Out of reservation slots ALL THE TIME.

Out of reservation slots ALL THE TIME.

DM: That’s really great of you, BK. I mean I actually would’ve preferred The Genius Bar…

Me: You know how fucking hard it is to get a reservation at The Genius Bar?!

DM: But what I was going to say was thank you. 🙂 That’s a smiley face. I appreciate it. And in return, I got you a date with Emma Watson!

Me: WHAT?!?!

DM: Ha. Just kidding. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Me: You asshole.


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