Justice Demetrio

The Justice bypassed a round of golf with dentists, those brilliant bastards who take Wednesdays off, in order to rule on this very special case.

Case #000000004 – Single People vs Valentine’s Day

This Friday brings the holiday that all single people despise, Valentine’s Day. Some hate because the thought of sharing their life with one person disgusts them to the point of vomiting. Others dread it since it serves as a reminder of their lonely existence. They will be spending Friday night with a bottle of wine, watching Love Actually and shredding a lake of tears about the fact that true love has yet to find them. single people

It is a difficult holiday for these people to get through, but for people in a relationship it is the day to go out and celebrate not being one those people. It is a chance to showoff how lucky they are to have found each other to the rest of the world. An opportunity to be showered with gifts: flowers, chocolates, and giant teddy bears. Valentine’s Day serves as the reward for putting up with each other for the past year as it sticks the knife deeper into the backs of all the suffering single people.

Let’s get to the verdict since this ruling needs to be rushed.


The Justice rules to eliminate Valentine’s Day as a holiday. It is not in support of these poor, suffering single people, of whom the Justice may or may not be. No, this ruling is for all people in relationships, especially the sappy romantics of the world.

Why exactly do we need a holiday to celebrate loving a person? Isn’t that a little sad and pathetic? It speaks terribly to relationships that they need one day to celebrate the person rather than doing it every single day. Valenetine’s Day promotes laziness in relationships and allows an out for everyone who treated their partner like crap the rest of the year. A holiday that allows for grand, romantic gestures to replace 364 days of being under appreciated by your partner.

Why do we need a holiday to do something this cute?

Why do we need a holiday to do something this cute?

The Justice can no longer let people get away with this. Every day should be Valentine’s Day for people in a relationship. And if you want an excuse to send the person you love flowers or a special gift, then make it be that it is a Wednesday and not a date determined by Hallmark to sell more cards.

Actually, while we’re on the subject, the Justice is also eliminating Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, President’s Day and Thanksgiving. It is just as sickening that we need special days to thank our parents for giving us life and raising us. This should happen every single day. We can no longer let shitty sons and daughters get away with simply sending their mother’s and father’s cards once a year. Plus, not all mothers and fathers deserve a holiday celebrating them. There are plenty that deserve to go to jail or get Chinese water tortured for all their sins rather than a coffee mug that says”World’s Best Dad.” Let the free market decide how to celebrate our parents. If they are good parents than they should be celebrated all the time, unless their children are too lazy to do so.

If I had unyielding power, all holidays should be eliminated. They all celebrate things that we should be honoring every day. Should there only be one single day where we celebrate the men and women who served our nation in battle? Do have to have one dinner where we invite friends and family over to tell them how we’re thankful for them? And the Justice already ruled on the stupidity of President’s Day.

The truth is that all holidays should be eliminated. However, the Justice respects the separation of church and state, so all religious holidays must remain. Don’t make a joke about Christmas not being a religious holiday. Keep it together. At least The Fourth of July commemorates the birth of our nation and getting rid of birthdays is not an option. At least until March 15th passes. Memorial Day is needed to kick-off summer, and Labor Day is needed to remind everyone when they have to stop wearing white.

In order to make the proper impact, a significant holiday must be eliminated and Thanksgiving is the obvious choice. The only thing it commemorates is a dinner between Pilgrims and Indians with very vague historical details. It is really just a big dinner with family and friends, something we can do any night of the year without inviting those relatives who always get drunk and spew rhetoric about immigrants ruining our country. The Justice rules that it is a dumb holiday that would better serve the public by being eviscerated off the face of the earth.

This ruling may seem harsh, but it will help make the world a better place. Instead of depending on one day to celebrate the people we love, let’s try to make every day a holiday. Let’s make everyday one where we tell the person we love how much he or she means to us. A day where we call our parents and say “I love you,” and thank them for all they sacrificed for us. A day where we share a meal with friends and family and thank them for the blessings they bestow upon our lives. As Tony Soprano once said, “every day is a gift.” We should appreciate this gift by celebrating it every day instead of waiting once a year to do so.

Happy Everydat

Happy Every Day people!

Court adjourned.



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