Alright, so technically this subjective ranking is for the last two weeks of television since I skipped last week’s. It may also have to wait another two weeks considering the Winter Olympics really neuters the TV schedule for the next two weeks.
Here we go:
1,389. Bob Costas’ Left Eye – Seriously Bob? You decided to go on air with your eye look like Lance Armstrong’s surgically removed nut? Unless you wanted to spread the word to Russian prostitutes, “Old Bobby likes it when you fart in his face, so eat some beans ladies,” this was not a good idea. Is your desire to pontificate your bloated rhetoric on the Olympics, the corrupt Russian government, and protests against homophobia, so strong that you couldn’t take a weekend off? For shame, Bob. For shame.
15. Audi Super Bowl commercial – There are three ways to have a successful Super Bowl advertisement. Cameos of celebrities poking fun of themselves, tugging at our heart strings ala Mean Joe Green Coke ad, or coming up with a ridiculous concept that makes people laugh. The best of this last format was this Audi ad, plus it throws in a the celeb cameo for good measure.
14. Last Sunday Fox aired a competitive battle between two fierce and bitter rivals. It was highly entertaining from start to finish. Unfortunately for America, it was not the Super Bowl. It was the pre-game Bill O’Reilly interview of President Barack Obama. It was quite a joy to see old Papa Bear get his shot to represent Fox News and deliver all of its hate directly to the face of the President instead of just on air. If you haven’t seen it, please do, you’ll not be disappointed.
13. Raising Hope – I might be the only person left watching this show or that even knows it is still on the air, but I don’t care. Virginia and Burt are my favorite married couple on TV. Sorry April and Andy, I give the nod to seniority since they’ve been married longer.
The show has become a bit cartoonish in its later years, but unlike Dan Harmon and Community it does not rub our noses into how awesome they are by doing things so differently. It just enjoys being what it is and allows the audience to join in on the fun. Raising Hope is not appointment TV by any stretch of the imagination, but it is a great show to let build up on the DVR and when you need a laugh or pick me up, rattle off a few episodes.
12. Muppets Super Bowl Commercial – Remember what I said about celebrity cameos? Well they do not always have to poke fun of themselves especially when they were the biggest celebrities in the world to 5 year old Tommy.
11. Budweiser Tear Jerker – Final Super Bowl Commercial in this ranking. I couldn’t get myself to put a commercial in the top 10. Mainly out of punishment to the American public. Every year we get excited for the Super Bowl commercials. In fact, the anticipation has gotten so high that advertisers now release trailers for the ads as if they’re summer blockbusters.
Then the Monday after the Super Bowl is spent complaining about how bad the commercials were this year. What the hell happens in the 364 days between this bitch fest and the next Super Bowl, America? Is there a collective amnesia that spreads? Shouldn’t we have our top Doctors looking into this? Look, the ads are what they are. It is an equally good and bad experience each year.
It is another example of how we tend to romanticize past events in hindsight and then get disappointed in the moment. Just stop anticipating these ads and stop complaining about them afterwards. Everyone just looks like fools as a result of this stupidity.
Alright, enough of this diatribe, back to this tear jerker. No, not this one. This one:
Yes, the puppy and Clydesdale one got more buzz the next day and caused more tears to be shed. And I know this won’t be a popular choice since people love puppies more than returning soldiers. But I just hate that song too much to be emotionally moved by it at all. It’s like the dude decided, “Hey, you know what will help me get over my broken heart? Coming up with a bunch of crappy analogies and metaphors, then setting it to one chord and calling it a song.” I’m sorry, but I care too deeply about my analogies to let him get away with it. Go fuck yourself, Passenger. And never piss on my sweet, sweet analogies ever again.