Dear Emma (Watson),
Is this starting to get a little sad? Maybe. But I press on. I’m pretty sure that guy in The Notebook that looks like Ryan Gosling wrote letters to Rachel McAdams every day for years. He even built her a house. I’m only writing you once a week, and I can guarantee I will not build a house. Wouldn’t know where to start. I’d probably go to the house store and just ask for carryout.
I’m sure you’ve heard the most recent Harry Potter news. Actually, you definitely have because you are the one who interviewed J.K. Rowling when she said that she regrets pairing Hermione with Ron. I have to say, I agree with her, Emma.
Hermione shouldn’t have ended up with Harry either, though. J.K. totally dropped the ball on that one. What Emma, er, I mean Hermione needed was an American wizard. That’s right. Not some fellow Hogwarts classmate. She, Harry, and Ron were just friends. And since we’re all millennials here, we can agree that just because a guy and girl are friends doesn’t mean they need to end up together.
Imagine if a somewhat dashing, yet highly approachable, 5’9” American wizard from Chicago transferred into Hogwarts right around Year 6 when he was finally starting get rid of most of that boyish acne.
Let’s say he gets into Gryffindor, starts chumming up to Harry and Ron and makes the Quidditch team as a backup seeker. He catches Hermione’s eye because he’s charming, somewhat clever, and kind of looks like Nick from New Girl (Hermione watches this on Magic Netflix in between studying). Harry introduces this American wizard – let’s call him William – to Hermione and the two hit it off.
William teaches Hermione some cool American customs like football, beer pong, and grilling awesome cheeseburgers. Hermione shows William how to make tea, teaches him why Brits add “u” in words like colo(u)r, and how to find all the secret Hogwarts passageways… Insert winky face here.
Sure, Ron might get jealous at first, but soon he can’t deny that there’s something amazing going on between Hermione and William. Before anyone can help it, William is part of Dumbledore’s Army, kicking ass and taking Death Eaters names American-style. His killer catchphrase becomes “Hippogriff-ay, motherbowtruckle!” Everyone loves it. They begin to love it so much that J.K. can finally do something she said she always wanted to do: kill Ron.
Sorry, Weasley. I loved you as much as the next guy, but William and Hermione have something bigger going on. We will, er, I mean they will name their first kid Ron after your tragic death at the hands of Lucius Malfoy. Don’t worry, William immediately avenged your death in slow motion as Bruce Springsteen’s “Born in the U.S.A.” played. Hippogriff-ay, motherbowtruckle!
Hermione and William would move wherever the former wanted after Harry killed Voldemort. William is a supporting husband and knows how lucky he has it with Hermione. Oh, yeah, they get married right after Ron croaks. It only seems right. Isn’t there a British movie about funerals and weddings?
Anyway, you get my point. We can both agree that J.K. really missed a wonderful opportunity. But that doesn’t mean you have to, Emma. Just follow the “Born in the U.S.A.” music and you’ll find a better ending than the one that’s written for you.
Until next week,