Shit. Here comes that co-worker, I better pretend I’m busy with some important emails or something. Or better yet I can hide out in the supply closet. No, no, he always goes there to get someone extra supplies as a “favor.” Yeah, some favor, now I have to talk to him for twenty minutes. Oooo, bathroom, yeah the bathroom is a safe place. Wait, no, last time he followed me and did a Sorkin walk and talk, then proceeded to wait outside the stall. I even tried to fake diarrhea, but he wouldn’t budge.
What? Don’t look at me like that through your computer screens. I’m talking about that over exuberant co-worker who greets you like a father coming back from war every time he sees you. The co-worker who lingers by your desk like a wizard with a twisted sense of humor cast a spell on him just to fuck with you. Or he is playing a game of freeze tag, but no one else is participating. I can’t stand this guy.
I don’t trust anyone who goes out of their way to be nice all the time. What are you hiding? Are you a cannibal? Are you sizing up my skin to see if it would make a nice set of curtains in your new living room? Just tell me because nobody can possibly be this nice all the time. Stop, just stop.
The worst part is that these people always asking what’s going on with you or how you’re doing. Then as you speak, just nod with a shit eating grin on their face. They might as well hold up a neon sign saying, “I’m not listening. I’m just nodding and waiting for your lips to stop moving, so I can tell you about my life.” And they always open with some dumb shit, like how they’re doing really well in pottery class or just bought the perfect frame for their Donnie Darko poster. If I ever open up my Monday with how great my trip to pottery barn was, just do me a favor and shoot me in the head.
These people get even worse as they get older. Instead of bragging about some stupid shit about themselves, they just babble about the stupid shit their kids did. “I was at Kevin’s little league game on Saturday. He’s becoming quite the ball player. He had a double and made a catch in the outer field.” Guess what, I don’t give a shit about little Kevin. His .250 batting average in Pony ball has zero effect on my life. He’s not on his way to the big leagues. No, instead he will just carry on your shitty deoxyribonucleic acids and continue this cycle of suck.
Why can’t these people leave me alone? Don’t they have work to do? No, of course not, they are the product of the broken American work environment. Politicians like to talk about the broken education system, but I’d like to get a lobbyist to help change a work environment that over employs people with nothing to do 90% of the day. It leads to people having too much free time and breeds soul sucking employees.
I constantly get complimented on my work ethic, shameless plug, but every time I feel guilty cause I do not feel like I’ve earned it. My job allows me to spend half my time scrolling through list after list on Buzzfeed, read my favorite TV critic, Alan Sepinwall, and even Zach Lowe’s anthology length breakdown of the NBA. During the football season, my free time at work led to me dominating two different leagues and becoming a double champion. Yet, my work ethic stands out enough to warrant compliments.
What has happened, America? All I can say is thank God there are no more undiscovered territories because we would never settle it. 150 years ago people packed up their families and traveled by wagon thousands of miles because it was their destiny, their Manifest Destiny. People plowed through rough terrain, terrible weather, and forged rivers, with almost no food while half of them died of dysentery. Or at least that is what I learned from the game, Oregon Trail.
This idea is mind blowing to our generation. We order pizza’s to be delivered even when it is only a half mile away. Hell, I stopped seeing a girl cause she lived in Los Feliz and I’m in Venice. I know, a little too LA with that reference. For Chicago people, it would be like living in River North and dating someone from Waukegan. For people from any other city, go fuck yourselves. Alright, a little harsh, I just do not know the geographic layout of any other city to make an apt analogy. Back to my point, not even sex is enough for me to drive 25 miles, yet manifest destiny was enough for thousands of people to travel thousands of miles via Covered Wagon. For the record, sex is enough, but after a few times, I mean we get it. It runs its course, lets move forward.
Our rapidly decelerating work ethic is the major reason why so many Americans are afraid of the Chinese taking over. I’m not one to promote fear mongering, but in this case the fears are very real. China is taking over, it is only a matter of time. We shouldn’t even bother fighting it, not like we could anyway. Let’s embrace it. Isn’t it time for a change? It gets boring having the same country on top of the world. Right, John Cena? China as the top world power just allows for so many new world story lines. Is Russia a
potential partner or will they get jealous and try to stab China in the back? How does this affect turmoil in the Middle East? How long till Japan attempts a full nation kamikaze on Bejing? It is all a great mystery. The only thing I know for sure is that we will embrace our first Chinese President and history will never allow anyone to say a bad word about him ever. Right, George Washington?
Shit, he’s still standing next to my desk. Someone come and tag this guy, so he can move on to bothering some other cynical asshole.