Thirsty Thursdays: The Super Bowl

Pull up a seat at the bar. As is the case every Thursday, I’m bartending. There’s no better place to be right now than at The Millennial Man. Every time this week, I teach you how to make a brand new drink to try out when you get home from work. 

Please remember:

  1. I have no formal bartending training.  
  2. Mixology means nothing to me. 
  3. I tend to stick to the bottom shelf.

This week’s drink is THE SUPER BOWL. Right now, you’re probably looking back at last week (The Justin Bieber) and thinking, “Man these guys really just make drinks based on social media trends.” Damn, you’re smart.

Anyway, let’s see what I have behind the bar here today. We have a fairly large, clean bowl that we normally use for popcorn. Perfect. This will be our “Super” Bowl.

Since there are two teams in every Super Bowl, I say we combine the ingredients of two hard-hitting drinks and find out which one wins out. Seeing as how we have a very limited selection down here in the bar – I found rum, vodka, tequila, gin, sour mix, brandy, syrup, Sprite, lime juice, and pineapple juice – there are only two drinks we can combine.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, your two 2014 Thirsty Super Bowl drink teams are The Zombie and The Adios Mother F*$%er!

Here's one version of the Zombie. Real brain included.

Here’s one version of the Zombie. Real brain included.

According to this, the Zombie is “a cocktail made of fruit juices, liqueurs, and various rums, so named for its perceived effects upon the drinker.” So, for the Zombie Super Bowl team let’s add a shot of dark rum, white rum, spiced rum, half a shot of brandy, one dash of sugar syrup, a half a shot of lime juice and a half a shot of pineapple juice. Thanks to hub pages for the advice.

Have to say, not a huge Walking Dead fan, but this Zombie drink is quite tasty. Doubt it will make Andrew Lincoln a better actor though. The only thing that could do that is Keira Knightley in Love Actually.

One team down. Now we need to bring in the Adios Mother F*$%er, which is so strong that Wikipedia doesn’t even have a definition for it. Let’s go straight to the ingredients: one ounce of vodka, one ounce of gin, one ounce of white rum, two ounces of sweet and sour mix, and two ounces of Sprite. The recipe also calls for Blue Curacao liqueur, but I do not own a bourgeoisie bar and thus do not have this swanky elixir. So let’s just put the leftover Jameson from last week in there. Thanks to Drinks Mixer for the advice.

Adios, amigo.

Adios, amigo.

As you probably could have guessed, this Super Bowl looks pretty freaking nuts. The Zombies and Adios Mother F*$%ers are locked in a tight one for who will ultimately own this championship drink.

There’s only one way to decide who the true winner is: I must taste it. This smells like straight up rubbing alcohol. Yikes. Alright. Here goes nothing…

***

Billy had two sips of “The Super Bowl” and immediately got intoxicated, passed out, and woke up two days later with no knowledge of what had just happened. It took him fifteen minutes to remember his middle name.

The Millennial Man in no way, shape, or form suggests following this recipe. It is hazardous to your personal health and your relationships with your family, friends, and neighbors.

Please drink responsibly this Super Bowl Sunday, and if you find Billy’s wallet anywhere, please inform the authorities. 

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