It’s the biggest day of the year for the internet, Super Bowl Media day. The Millennial Man scored some VIP Press Passes and has been conducting interviews all morning in NYC. These are all exclusive and deeply informative, a must read.
Millennial Man: A pleasure to meet you Mr. Manning. Thanks for sitting down and talking with me.
Peyton Manning: No, thank you for interviewing me. Before we start, I have to say you’re one good looking man.
MM: Wow, thanks Peyton, of course you know all about looking this good.
PM: It is like I’m looking into a mirror and being interviewed by myself, only with a smaller penis.
MM: I’ll take it. You’ve had a record breaking year. What allowed you to have such great success?
PM: As soon as I heard about marijuana being legalized in Colorado I knew that the time was now to get in the pizza game. I contacted my financial adviser and told him to buy as man franchise stores as possible. He told me that Papa Johns was the only one selling, so we should wait for something better to come along, but I told him that I’m the one who calls the audibles around here, buy. See I knew that even though it is total crap pizza, used as a ploy to get rid of an excess of peppers, it didn’t matter cause these potheads would eat anything. Honestly we could sell them old tires covered in ketchup and cheese spray, they would still eat it.
MM: I was referring to your on the field success, but I’m happy to hear the pizza business is going well.
PM: I stopped caring about my football success after the injury.
MM: Really? How come? Did you realize what really mattered in life, like family and friends?
PM: Hell no, my family is Eli Manning, he never matters.
MM: Classic Eli slam.
PM: No, I had to stop caring due to doctor’s orders.
MM: Doctor’s orders?
PM: Yes, no one knows this, but I didn’t sit out a year due to a neck injury.
MM: You didn’t?
PM: No, I sat out because too much blood was rushing to my massive Touchdown Boner. They were afraid I could die on the field if I kept playing at that level, getting erections all the time. It was getting difficult to play that’s why I have so many early playoff exits, all those regular season touchdowns made it hard to walk straight, let alone play football.
PM: I know. I took the year off to get my mind straight and stop caring about throwing touchdowns. Although I have to admit I’m getting excited for this Sunday’s big game.
MM: Legacy definer, you win your second ring and the debate over greatest QB is over.
PM: Actually, I know I shouldn’t admit this, but you’re a great reporter and the truth has to come out eventually. I’ve never legitimately won a Super Bowl.
PM: Yes, it’s true, the entire 2006 Colts were pumped full of HGH and horse testosterone. Especially Dwight Freeney and Reggie Wayne, who had his supplier from the U hook up the entire team.
MM: This is unbelievable.
PM: Even worse, before Super Bowl 41 we stole the Bears entire playbook and gameplan. We knew everything they were going to run. As great as I am that defense was better, I’d never seen anything like it on tape. We had no other choice, but to cheat. The 2006 Colts don’t deserve that Super Bowl trophy, it is a sham.
MM: Wait, are you saying that the Chicago Bears are the rightful champions?
PM: Absolutely, best defense I’ve ever seen and that Grossman guy, very underappreciated.
MM: This is amazing. Thank you so much for admitting the truth Peyton. It means a lot to us Chicagoans. We can finally make like Marty McFly and move on from 1985.
PM: I couldn’t lie to a man as good looking as you.
MM: You’re right, you can’t. Good luck on Sunday, I hope you can win your first Super Bowl.
PM: Thanks, but I won’t need it, after playing the 2006 Bears, this one will be a cakewalk.