Here’s three more interviews I did with some Seattle Seahawks.
MM: I promise to make this more than a “Crabtree” interview.
RS: Good one, I’m not sick of those jokes at all.
MM: You’re right. I apologize. Speaking of apologizing, you’ve done a lot of it in the past week, but would you like to receive some apologies from all the people who spewed hateful, racist remarks towards you on twitter and Skip Bayless who did it on TV?
RS: Not at all, I think they deserve to say whatever they want. Besides, those are just words typed out on a computer screen. The real pain is the awful lives all those people have to live, working a low paying job, living in shabby homes with spouses who have grown to despise them, and children who will just continue this cycle of failure. It must be miserable, a living hell, I wish them all the best as they strive to stay alive every day.
MM: It has to bother you that people have this “thug” image of you when you’re a Stanford graduate.
RS: Their perspective of me doesn’t take away from all that I’ve accomplished. Besides, it is fun to respond to them with words they do not understand.
MM: Such as?
RS: Precocious, ghastly, portly, callous, mortgage, sober, attractive, and intelligent.
MM: Well played.
RS: Thank you.
MM: We’ve heard your evaluation of Michael Crabtree…
RS: Sorry and pathetic.
MM: And your evaluation of the Broncos receiving core…
RS: Talented and challenging.
MM: But what about an evaluation of your own receivers?
RS: Man that is tough because I only evaluate NFL level receivers and no one on our team qualifies as such.
MM: Come on, they’re not that bad.
RS: Have you watched them play? Doug Baldwin gets knock off his routes by the wind and couldn’t catch a STD at Charlie Sheen’s house. Golden Tate has zero concept of the route tree, I’m pretty sure his playbook is just filled with pictures of himself, mostly from some place called Club Fever in South Bend.
MM: What about Percy Harvin? He’s scheduled to be back for the big game, has to be a boost, right?
MM: Percy Harvin, the guy you traded for last off-season.
RS: I don’t know who that is.
MM: Very funny, yes, he has basically missed the entire season due to injury, but maybe he can redeem himself this Sunday.
RS: I’m not joking around. I have never met a Percy Harvin in my entire life.
MM: Alright, well thanks for sitting down with us. You’re an intelligent man and I hope you get a chance to prove all your haters wrong.
RS: Categorically, translation, yes.
MM: I need to know, how would you rate the Skittles we left for you in our green room?
MM: Out of 5?
MM: Alright, fair enough. Second question, how could you leave the Bills high and dry after sucking for three years, you bastard?
ML: Excuse me?
MM: You heard me? Where was this in Buffalo, “Beast Mode?”
ML: Buffalo is a hell hole. If I had a choice between having someone saw off one limb per day or living in Buffalo, I’d take the saw.
MM: How dare you rip the great city of Buffalo that brought us wings, Jim Kelly and Thurmon Thomas, and of course Patrick Kane.
ML: Is this an interview or bitch fest, let it go, man.
MM: You’re right, you’re right, I’m sorry. Let’s get back to questions.
ML: Thank you.
MM: Why is running through NFL defenses so much easier for you than driving on an open road?
ML: You little bitch.
MM: What? Marshawn, don’t knock over our set like that. Come on man, let it go.
MM: It must be very exciting, after the difficult season you’ve had, to get the opportunity to play in the Super Bowl?
PH: Yes, I’m very excited to…
MM: Excited to? Excited to what? Percy? Can you hear me? Are you alright? Can we get a medic up here? This man needs a medic. Thank you. What’s happened to him? Is he alright? Anabolic shock, man, tough break. Sorry Seattle, maybe you’ll get to see Percy Harvin play next year.