MM: What is it like being so amazing?
RW: I can’t speak to being amazing. All I can do is wake up each morning and strive to improve myself a little every day. Life throws a lot of obstacles at us, but a person is measured by how he or she overcomes them and grows stronger.
MM: What an amazing answer, you are the perfect man. You make me believe in a god.
MM: Madison, Mad Town. Have you found a more fun place on this planet?
RW: No, simply the best.
MM: Just like you. How many games did you have a Mickie’s scramble before?
RW: All of them. It is just too delicious. I believe it gave me an extra boost and has led to much of my success.
MM: What’s most challenging about this week?
RW: Avoiding Bill Simmons. The guy is relentless. I’ve had to change my number a dozen times cause he won’t stop calling. There is nowhere that I feel safe taking a shower. The guy is harder to scramble away from than the Niners D.
MM: I think you’re safe today, only reporters are allowed here.
RW: Classic Simmons slam!
MM: What’s it like playing for Pete Carroll?
RW: He actually doesn’t do any coaching.
RW: Yeah, his headset isn’t plugged into anything, but don’t let him know that. We let him pretend he is doing something besides some gnarly gum chewing.
MM: What about game planning? Is he involved in coming up with the gameplan at all?
RW: I don’t think he has ever watched a second of tape this season. Every time he calls me into his office I think he’s about to show me some game film, but he always just wants me to see some explicit college porn site.
MM: Dirty Petey. What’s he into?
RW: Sorority sluts, Dorm Rules, Party sex, Exploited Teens, Desperate College Girls, and so many more disgusting sites I cannot name. He’s really big on webcams, but one that he showed me it didn’t even seem like the girl knew she was on camera. He’s a really disgusting guy.
MM: My goodness, what a difficult challenge to overcome.
RW: It’s the best way to get stronger, remember.
MM: You make me feel so safe.
RW: I get that a lot.
MM: What concerns you the most about Sunday’s game? The Broncos D, Peyton Manning, Percy Harvin lasting more than one play, or the weather?
RW: Golden Tate making it to the game. He’s been hitting the clubs pretty hard this week. But he keeps striking out and coming back with hookers. He’s a concern every week though, like Will Hunting in reverse, I pick him up every morning and just pray he hasn’t been arrested for stealing a bicycle. I don’t get his obsession with stealing bikes, I keep telling him, “You make millions of dollars, stop stealing bikes.” He never listens though.
MM: He probably never will. What are you going to do if you win on Sunday? Disney World?
RW: I leave on a month long mission to build homes in the Syrian desert next Monday. Then I head up to Israel to negotiate peace talks with Palestine.
MM: Final question, are you doing anything for dinner tonight?
RW: Don’t go all Simmons on me.
MM: Right, right. Stupid, stupid.
RW: Don’t beat yourself up, it happens to the best of us.
MM: You think I’m the best?
RW: No, but you’re also not the worst.
MM: I’ll take it. Thanks and good luck on Sunday.
RW: Thanks, but I’ve got special support on Sundays.
MM: I knew you were the son of God!
RW: From my teammates. I’m leaving before this gets any weirder.