Filling the Football Void

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

I feel ya buddy. Life is tough without football.

The weekend between the Conference Championships and the Super Bowl is limbo defined for a football fan. A streak of 20 straight Sundays with NFL Football suddenly comes to a crashing halt. Where do we turn in order to fill this void? The Pro Bowl game? Get the fuck out of here, a glorified touch football game with disinterested star players, many of who are still reeling from a painful playoff elimination, is an embarrassment to the game. It must be avoided at all costs in order to not allow its stink to ruin the sweet taste of Super Bowl Sunday.

Well, what about the Grammy Awards? As tempting as live performances from the biggest musical acts of the past year sounds, as well as Queen Beyoncé on my Television screen, it is too early to start counter programming. We need to save that for the post-Super Bowl blues when football needs to be forgotten in order to save us from depression.

Sorry, B! I'm still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

Sorry, B! I’m still not ready for this jelly. Hopefully some day.

No, this weekend we need to keep the adrenaline from an epic Championship Weekend going into next week. What the hell on TV this weekend could possibly do that? I’ll tell you my friends, the WWE Royal Rumble PPV.

WWE? Who watches that over the age of 10, besides hicks or nerds who live in their mother’s basements? It’s easy to be skeptical, nobody knows that better than me, but everyone needs to trust me on this. The Royal Rumble is the perfect filler to this weekend absent of football.

It has so many of the same qualities that we love about football, hard-hitting action, extraordinary athleticism, bitter rivalries, cliche announcing, and men rolling around on a mat in speedos covered in baby oil.* Football is popular for two reasons, gambling and blood thirst. WWE definitely fulfills one of those requirements:

*Maybe this one only happened in a weird dream I had.

For what it lacks in gambling ability, it makes up for in crazy stories and character turns. Imagine if in the Bears-Packers Week 17 game, instead of catching the game winning touchdown with less than a minute to go, Randall Cobb purposely dropped Aaron Rodgers pass, then ripped off his Packers jersey to reveal a Bears’ one underneath, then went on to celebrate with the rowdy Soldier Field faithful, and signed with the Bears in the offseason to go on and dominate the Packers for years to come.* Unfortunately for me, this would never happen in the NFL, but in the WWE it is a possibility on any given night.

*Dear Lord how I wish this happened. Why didn’t this happen? It should’ve, if only Vince McMahon ran the NFL. 

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The only thing that pleases Vinny Mac more than money, his bronzed, Adonis like, muscles.

The Royal Rumble is the kickoff to Vince McMahon’s most lucrative time of year and as a borderline sociopathic billionaire, McMahon loves to make money, so he usually pulls out all the stops. The event is always headlined by the Royal Rumble match, always one of the most exciting matches of the year. It is a match where two superstars start in the ring and 28 more follow one at a time in 90 second intervals. Wrestlers are only eliminated from the match when they are tossed over the top rope and both feet hit the ground. It is a match filled with incredible athletic feats, memorable returns from legends, and winner who is guaranteed a shot to main event Wrestlemania, the Super Bowl of wrestling.

In addition to all of the exciting aspects of the Rumble match itself, the PPV also has an exciting drinking games, which is an added bonus as we await the super bowl of drinking weekends, the Super Bowl. Here’s how it works, courtesy of the immortal Paul Kresge, never claim that I LeBeufed him out of his credit, who turned me on to this game.

Get your friends together, preferably an amount that is divisible with 30, so 2, 3, 5, 6, 10, or 15, but I suggest you limit it to 10 at most. Then put 30 pieces of paper, numbered 1-30, in a hat and let all of the participants select an amount of numbers that multiply with the amount of people participating and equals 30. For the slower of our readers let me use an example, if five people are participating, then each would select six numbers. Each participants’ numbers represents the wrestler who enters the Rumble match at that corresponding position. The last number selected by each participant is a wild card, which doubles all drinking values.

Here’s a breakdown:

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

Get ready to do a lot of this on Sunday.

You Drink One

  • When your wrestler enters

  • If he is accompanied by someone

  • Wears a mask

  • Has a shirt on when he enters

  • Is making a debut or return to the WWE

  • If your wrestler is abnormal size or clearly on steroids

  • A member of a group of tag team

Everyone Drinks One

  • When a champion enters the match

  • For a legend and/or Hall of Famer

  • When an announcer mentions how long someone has been in the ring (happens more often than you’d expect)

  • Both members of a tag team are in the match at the same time

    There's a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

    There’s a good chance of this guy showing up, so get ready for Pastamania to run wild.

You Drink 5

  • When your guy is eliminated

  • You selected both members of a tag team

  • If another wrestler avoids elimination at the hands of your wrestler in a cool way (player’s discretion)

  • Your wrestler is eliminated before the next number comes out

  • Another wrestler uses his or her finisher on yours

  • Your wild card fails to eliminated anyone

  • None of your wrestlers reach the final 6

Everyone Drinks 5

Watch out for foreign objects!

Watch out for foreign objects!

  • When 10 or more wrestlers are in the ring at once

  • Someone not in the match interferes

  • A foreign object is used to eliminate a wrestler

You Finish Your Beer

  • If you get a female or someone over 50

  • One of your wrestlers gets eliminated by a female or someone over 50

  • Once all your wrestlers are eliminated

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

    Booom Shakka Lakkkaaa!

One special rule to note, if at any point in the match one of your wrestler’s eliminates three or more guys, then he or she is in NBA Jam mode, which means each wrestler eliminated by said wrestler has to drink double, until the wrestler on fire is eliminated. It may seem a little complicated, but feel free to get rid of and simplify whatever you like. Or simply watch the match and drink at your discretion.

If I’ve convinced you to fill the void of no football this weekend by watching the Rumble this Sunday, then come back tomorrow to check out a rundown of all the storylines and matches, heading into the event. And if I haven’t convinced you, then I’m sorry, no not for wasting your time, I’m sorry that your life will never be completely fulfilled because you’ve made this decision.

This Post Written By Tom Demetrio


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