Justice Demetrio

(Newscom TagID: ndxphotos003239)     [Photo via Newscom]

The world is filled with problems that require people of sound judgment and infinite wisdom to solve them. As the son of a Judge, I’ve been raised to believe that the Judicial system houses all of these special minds. Since I was raised in the Judicial system I’ve been molded into one of these great problem solvers. Unfortunately becoming a Judge requires one to be a lawyer first, which requires passing the Bar exam, that only a person with a law degree can take, a degree that can only be achieved by graduating from an accredited Law School, an accomplishment saved for those who study 80 hours a week to avoid failing out, and schools which require you to apply with a successful LSAT score, which is typically achieved by taking the LSAT exam. I’ve not taken the LSAT exam, therefore I cannot be a judge. See, I’m a natural.

However, I do not want my lack of a law degree to prevent me from solving the world’s problems, my higher calling; therefore I will use this website as a platform to solve the problems that do not get a day in court. I’m the only man capable of solving these problems and with each case the world will become a better place.

The first case on the docket has been filed by NFL fans around the world. By “around the world” I really mean America since most people around the world are fans of the more appropriately named football. But since America is greater than all other nations combined, they can all go fuck themselves with their logic.

Another wildly successful and entertaining NFL season will come to a close next week with Super Bowl XLVIII or 48 for our anti-Roman readers. However, there is a dark spot on the league that fans have been clamoring to be fixed since its inception and lucky for America, Justice Demetrio has been listening and is here to find a solution. All rise, the Honorable Thomas Augustus Demetrio presides, Case #000000001 The People vs. Thursday Night Football.

Defendant: Thursday Night Football

Football is America’s game, not for pageantry and tradition like baseball, but rather because it hits all the major desires we look for in a sport: Gladitorial, easy to gamble on, a good excuse to drink like a Frat star, and the ultimate fantasy sport. America is football hungry and we flock to our TVs to watch as much as possible. Television is designed to get a large number of eye-balls glued to a TV set at an exact time and place, so they can sell commercial slots to advertisers who are looking to push Beer and boner pills on the American public.  The NFL and TV go together like Wall Street and corruption, a perfect match.

It is interesting that Beer/alcohol is the common enemy to the male erection, which makes the two such a perfect pair. Why haven’t beer companies come out with their own erectile dysfunction pills? Miller Lite can just reverse its beer slogan: Less taste, More Filling.

Television’s changing landscape, more channels and time shifting devices, has fractured audiences. It is rare to have a program draw more than five million viewers let alone 20-30 as the top shows of a couple of decades ago regularly did.

This makes football such a valuable commodity to broadcasters, not only does it draw in that audience, it is also something viewers have to watch live, even rarer. This has led to a desire to put as much football on TV as humanly possible.

Normally I would slap the person who came up with the phrase, “too much of a good thing is bad.” I mean it just makes no logical sense, I can never have too much of a good thing, but alas she gets the last laugh as Thursday Night Football encapsulates the phrase perfectly.

The concept of Thursday Night Football makes sense on paper, let’s slide in another night of Primetime Football, and bring in even more ad revenue.

Even the decision to put it on the NFL Network makes sense, why let these other networks benefit from our product when we have our own, exclusive 24 hour channel we’re trying to get off the ground.  But like many great concepts it fails to calculate the limits of human beings.

The games are sloppy, penalty-filled bore fests that only end up infuriating fans when their teams get stuck playing on a short week with a banged up roster. It has failed to bring in good ratings, averaging around 6 million viewers a week, which is less than half of the Monday Night football ratings.

The NFL has pushed the blame on the NFL Network’s inability to draw a bigger audience and is looking to move Thursday Night Football to another network, NBC is the front runner. However, this is the proverbial band-aid on a bullet hole and the Shield is ignoring the larger issue at hand, not to mention looking like huge hypocrites.

Player safety has been the hottest topic in the NFL over the last few seasons. It strikes up multiple, passionate arguments. The former players are upset that they were lied to about the dangers of the game for years and are seeking proper retribution. Some fans and other players, mostly defensive, have complained about how soft the game has become in response to protecting the players.

A popular argument is that there was never ever anything wrong with how the game was played in the past, so long as everyone who enters the league is fully informed of the danger. Then it is just a group of consenting adults going out on Sundays to maul each other.

Anyone who surfs Youtube and comes across old highlights of big hits throughout the years, may tend to disagree with the idea that nothing about the game needed to change. But regardless of a person’s views on player safety, there is no arguing that sending teams back onto the gridiron four days after a game is certainly not enhancing a player’s health.

If the NFL is so worried about player’s safety, maybe they should re-examine the practice of Thursday Night games instead of throwing penalties and fines at players who land on a quarterback funny.

Part of the reason America loves football is the danger involved in the game, but it is not fun to watch our favorite legends of the game lose their minds due to CTE or be unable to walk up a single step. There is no way to take all the danger out of the game, but eliminating playing on three day’s rest would certainly help.

The Verdict:

It is quite simple, expand the NFL season by two weeks, but keep the number of games played the same, giving each team two extra bye weeks.  This means 19 weeks to play 16 games, since every team has extra bye weeks they will all play on Thursday Night Football following one of its byes.

The Thursday Night games will start in Week 3 and run through Week 18, meaning byes will start in Week 2. The extra byes serve to both prevent teams from ever having to play on three day’s rest and give them extra weeks off to heal up nagging injuries. It will also make the Thursday Night games less sloppy and better television viewing for whichever network gets it next.

Why add two extra weeks, when the issue could be solved with one? Fair question counselor, besides the obvious reasons of providing two extra weeks of football programming to TV Networks desperate for those huge Football ratings, and two extra weeks to shit on your buddies in a fantasy league,  I’ll give you an even more compelling reason.

Mondays suck. An argument that never needs to be settled in court, but some Mondays suck harder than others, such as one’s that follow vacations or weddings. One Monday that sucks ever single year, without fail, is the Monday after the Super Bowl.

Sundays in the fall are built around NFL football. It is a glorious day that serves as the last bastion of joy before another week of work has to begin. The Super Bowl is the last of these Sundays and it encompasses the entire season in one day, which means a lot of partying.

If everyone loves football, then everyone and their mama loves the Super Bowl. It is watched by over 100 million people in America each year, do you realize how outrageous that is? Two-thirds of people who own a television are watching the Super Bowl, nearly half our country is watching the Super Bowl.

Is there any one day where that much of the country is doing the same thing, besides the Fourth of July and Christmas? No way, so why isn’t the Super Bowl a national holiday? It is celebrated far more than Memorial Day, Labor Day, and especially President’s Day.

President’s Day: what is it? Why do we celebrate it? It was originally decreed a National Holiday celebrating Washington’s birthday by an Act of Congress in 1879. The first attempt to create a generic President’s Day was in 1951, but it was not till the mid-80s when advertisers started pushing the idea that President’s day became a holiday. The third Monday of February was settled on as the date of observance as it falls between Lincoln’s birthday on the 12th and Washington’s on the 22nd.

Outside of the insubstantiality of its origin, the mere idea of celebrating Presidents should be something reserved for our communist brethren. Isn’t the Presidency an honor and a privilege for any man or woman who holds the position? Doesn’t a democracy support the power of the people and the right to vote, over the individual who holds the office.

All holidays come packed with commercialism, but at least the others have sturdier legs to stand on as the righteous attempt to kick them down. President’s Day just seems to be a blatant attempt for car dealerships to get in the black.

Where the hell is all of this going? I thought this was about Thursday Night Football? Shut up! I’d hold you in contempt, but when I complete my prestige you’ll feel like such a dummy you’ll hold yourself in contempt.

Two extra weeks of the regular season means everything in the post-season gets pushed back two weeks as well. A quick look at a calendar will show that two weeks after the Super Bowl is the third Sunday of February. What happens on the third Monday of February? I feel like something always happens then, but for the life of me I cannot remember what it is.

Want to help diminish that Super Bowl hangover? Put the big game on the Sunday before President’s day, a meaningless and messed up holiday. America can use that day off to sleep in, pop Advil, drink  water and cry over the loss of football and all the money in our savings account from betting big on the under for the National Anthem.

How many years do you think it will take for the third weekend in February to be recognized as Super Bowl weekend instead of President’s day? Give it a year, two tops, and no one will even remember President’s Day existed.

The people demanded a solution to Thursday Night Football and not only did I solve it, but I also cured our Nation’s massive Super Bowl hangover and eliminated a fascist holiday. Boom, you just got what Charlie Sheen has always wanted to hear when he walks into his favorite whorehouse, three for the price of one.

Court adjourned.

Article by: Tom Demetrio, Co-founder of Millennial Man
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