Month: January 2014

90s Movie Review: Liar Liar

Millennials talk about the 90s too much. But who cares? Our parents reminisce about how things were so much different when they were growing up as baby boomers. Our grandparents talk about how hard they had to work to get where they are today. The generation younger than us doesn’t even talk about anything; they just send their thoughts straight to their iPads and communicate wirelessly.

To celebrate our ongoing love affair with the greatest decade in history, I’ve decided to retroactively review famous 90s movies. I will not attempt to be unbiased or professional in any way, shape, or form. I love these movies.

Jim Carey owned the 90s.

Jim Carey owned the 90s.

This week’s movie is LIAR LIAR.

Budget: $45 million

Worldwide Gross: $302-$306 million

Stars: Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney, Justin Cooper, Carly Elwes, and Jennifer Tilly

Director: Tom Shadyac                 Producer: Brian Grazer

IMDB Summary: A fast track lawyer can’t lie for 24 hours due to his son’s birthday wish after the lawyer turns his son down for the last time.

Quick Review: Jim Freaking Carrey in a 90s comedy. Not much more needs to be said, but I’ll say it anyway. Carrey is phenomenal as Fletcher Reede, a lawyer good enough at his craft to earn the respect of our own Justice Demetrio. The only problem with Fletcher is that he continually breaks the heart of his kid son, Max (Cooper), and conversely his ex-wife Audrey (Tierney). Sick of heartbreak, Max wishes that his dad can’t lie for just one day, and since this is a 90s movie, his wish is granted. Unfortunately for Fletcher, it’s one of the biggest days of his career.

The whole cast performs admirably, but it’s Carrey’s movie and they all know it. Tommy talked about the importance of knowing where you fit in as part of his well-written Role Play post, and everyone in this cast certainly knows his or her job. At 86 minutes long, this movie is probably one of the funniest film under 90 minutes of all-time.

Funniest Scene: So many choices. But there’s something about Carrey’s maniacal tirade in the boardroom – and his coworkers’ reactions – that assaults my funny bone.

A close second is the bathroom scene. I’m kicking my ass, do ya mind?!

Best Supporting Actor/Actress: Cary Elwes. You probably know him best as the main character from The Princess Pride. He is wonderfully lame as Jerry, Audrey’s boyfriend. Watch out. The claw’s gonna get ya.

Why This Movie Should Have Won An Oscar: I still believe that Jim Carrey should have been nominated for his portrayal of Fletcher. The way Carrey contorts his face and body is sickeningly delightful and hilarious. Imagine not being to lie as a lawyer? I couldn’t act it out as well as Carrey did – could you?

This scene where he is getting dragged out of the courtroom is all at once heartbreaking and hilarious.

Overt 90s Messages Learned: Don’t lie. Love and spend time with your family. Be nice to the people you work with. Divorced parents are likely to get back together. It’s okay to break every rule at an airport and steal a stair car if it means you can stop your son from leaving Los Angeles. Give money to homeless people. Treat your assistant well. This pen is royal blue.

Interesting Movie Fact: A friend of the Millennial Man’s uncle directed this film. Michael Juettner, thank your uncle profusely for me and our whole generation.

Millennial Man Movie Grade: A+

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Super Bowl Prop Betting

Let’s gamble. It may not be appropriate to promote gambling, but appropriate can go to hell. We should all gamble more, responsibly of course. Last night I played poker with a few buddies. We each threw in $20 and could cash out at any time. Side note: throwing in cash is a rare occurrence for millennials. We’ve got so used to having everything on plastic cards that the only bills we have on us or $20s from the ATM. It is very difficult to cash out with only $20 bills on the table. I do want to bring the large money roll back. 

I highly recommend starting a regular Poker game.

I highly recommend starting a regular Poker game.

It was a fun couple hours of competition mixed with a couple beers, cigars, sharing stories, and of course some offensive jokes. NSFW. I ended up losing $10, but it was well worth the time spent. Especially when I consider the times I bought a round of shots for $60 and only ended up with a massive hangover the next day. Everyone over spends somewhere, cut out that spending and using the extra money on gambling. It is a fun competition that engrosses you in a game or sport for a couple hours. Sure, losing money sucks, but the gamble itself is worth the price of admission as long as a hard budget is set. Plus there is always the chance that you can win money and it is a lot higher than the chances of getting laid after buying a round of shots.

Now that I’ve convinced you of the merits of gambling, the Super Bowl of gambling is happening on Sunday, the Super Bowl. Everyone does squares at their Super Bowl party and avid sports gamblers will have a lot of action riding on the game. However, the real gambling fun is had with Prop Bets. What’s a prop bet? This isn’t Wikipedia, look it up. Instead of providing a definition, I’ll provide something much more valuable, the best prop bets on Sunday and where to put your money.

National Anthem Over/Under 2:25:

The most fun you’ll have while listening to our nation’s anthem. Vegas oddsmakers demonstrate their skills every year by being within seconds of the over/under every year. The most epic victory in this bet came when Christina Aguilera forgot a line of the song and came in a couple seconds under.

Belt it out Renee and hold those high notes. Daddy's got a lot of skin riding on the over.

Belt it out Renee and hold those high notes. Daddy’s got a lot of skin riding on the over.

This year’s singer is Renee Fleming. I’m going to be honest, before today you could’ve told me Renee Fleming was the name of the barber with the tattoo sleeves who cuts my hair at Floyd’s Barbershop and I wouldn’t blink an eye. A quick Google search reveals that Fleming is an American soprano opera singer. No idea how she found out where the bodies are buried, but it clearly got her this gig and I’m eternally grateful. An opera singer? Vegas couldn’t set this over/under high enough, take that over baby. Alicia Keys record of 2:35 is in grave danger. Flemming might hold the final note for 30 seconds alone. The big voice combined with the big stage, and the opportunity to make an impression on America makes this an easy bet this year.

Coin Toss – Heads or Tails

Tails never fail.

Who Will be Shown First After Kickoff – Erin Andrews (-140) Pam Oliver (Even)

I like the underdog in this fight. Andrews may be the Golden Girl of sports, but I think Fox goes with the veteran on this one. Plus Oliver is on the Seahawks sideline, which is much more likely to have some crazy incident happen to it that requires a trip down to the sideline. If nothing else there is the inevitable Percy Harvin injury update. Speaking of…

Percy Harvin Will Leave the Game With an Injury (3/1)

Take this to the bank.

Peyton Manning Omaha’s Over/Under (27.5)

No matter who wins on Sunday the real winner will be the city of Omaha.

No matter who wins on Sunday the real winner will be the city of Omaha.

He hit 31 in the AFC Championship against the Patriots, and the popularity has only grown. I think Peyton might want to downplay the Omahamania and also throw off an aggressive Seahawks defense with a whole new snap count. I’m going with the under.

Will Michael Crabtree Mention Richard Sherman In A Tweet During The Game? Yes (+150) No (-200)

Vegas thinks much more highly of Crabtree than I do. The joy of twitter is that it gives us access to celebrities and athletes in honest and vulnerable moments. Typically alcohol is involved.

Crabtree knows he shouldn’t mention Sherman and put this thing to bed, but I’m banking on him not being able to help himself. Take yes.

How Many Times Will Archie Manning Be Shown on TV Over/Under (2.5)

I learned my lesson from the last two Manning Super Bowls, Archie Manning does not want TV time. I’m not sure if he pays off the networks or is a sorcerer whose only power is to avoid TV cameras, but we’ll only see Archie once, max.

"Your cameras are no match for my mystical wizard powers."

“Your cameras are no match for my mystical wizard powers.”

The Announcers Mention Marijuana During the Game (7/2)

The Super “Bowl,” featuring the two states that have legalized the use of recreation marijuana. It has been a big conversation for fodder over the past two weeks, but would broadcasters dare to bring it up.? Anyone besides Joe Buck, and the answer is no, but Buck cares so much about his apathetic, dickish, cool guy persona in the booth that I don’t think he can help himself. I’m taking, yes.

What Color Will the Gatorade Dump Be – Orange 1/1, Water 5/2, Yellow 15/4, Red 15/2, Blue 10/1, Green 15/1

Always fun and always a crap shoot. Not sure what Orange did to be the betting favorite other than assuming the Broncos have orange to match its jerseys, but outside of Green this is really a gut pick. I’m liking Blue this year, don’t ask me why.

These are just a fraction of the prop bets available for this game. Get a list together with your friends and bet away.

As for the game itself, I lean towards the defense in these types of games. Despite all the rule changes favoring offenses, I still believe defenses win championships.

Prediction: Seattle 24 Denver 20

MVP: Earl Thomas

 

Friday: Dance Like No One’s Watching

It’s Friday. Time to cheer up. Wake up from your weeklong coma. Pull a Whitney Houston and dance with somebody. You don’t have to go out and find a stranger if that’s not your thing. You can take Billy Idol’s advice and dance with yourself.

Imagine this in my Rav4. Keep your clothes on, ladies.

Imagine this in my Rav4. Keep your clothes on, ladies.

Whether I’m having a good or bad week, I try to dance at some point on Friday. Most of the time, this takes the form of me blasting music in my soccer mom-ish Rav4 on my way to work and doing that white boy dance that some people mistake for an epileptic seizure. Let’s just say I get a lot of googly eyes from ladies as I cruise down the PCH on my way to El Segundo. And by googly, I mean concerned.

I know why I use awkward dancing as therapy. I watched a lot of John Hughes movies growing up. Johnny H. taught me that sometimes the only way to free yourself from your frustrations is to hop on the good foot and do the bad thing. For you less cool cats, I mean dance.

Remember this scene from The Breakfast Club?

There’s no better way to throw your worries into the infinite ether and say, “Fuck it, I’m going to just be right now.” I agree that it’s healthy to talk your problems out with close friends, families, professionals, a bum on your corner, or whoever your therapist of choice is. But sometimes we just need to boogie. I’m not talking the weird dancing your bum therapist does when he or she is high on a lot more than life. I’m talking that I’m-so-frustrated-and-bummed-I-just need-to-cut-a-rug-before-I-bug-out dance.

That’s why there are so many famous movie scenes where a protagonist lets loose and goes on a dancing spree. Kevin Bacon in Footloose is a prime example. He’s frustrated about being the out-of-towner who just wants to break it down in a buttoned-up conservative farm city. Naturally, the only way to alleviate this frustration is to take part in a shameless 80s-dancing scene. It’s ridiculous. But I bet Bacon’s character feels ten times better after doing it.

Tom Cruise breaks it down in Risky Business. Matthew Broderick leads all of Chicago in a sing and dance along of “Twist and Shout” in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. The Dude, Jeff Bridges, gets jiggy with it in The Big Lebowski. Christopher Walken even boogies his brains out Fatboy Slim’s “Weapon of Choice” music video. I could go on forever.

I know real life isn’t like the movies, but maybe it should be once in a while. The weight of life can drag you to deep, dark depths if you let it. There are a lot of ways to combat sadness, frustration, and fatigue, but taking some time out to cut a rug is one of the most human ways to feel alive and remember what this whole thing is about.

Also – don’t forget to dance when you’re happy, too. I’m talking to both girls AND guys. Fellas, NFL players start dancing after they score a touchdown, get a sack, interception, or make any play of any kind these days. I’d say they’re pretty manly and they dance about every other play. They can’t help themselves.

This Friday, and every Friday from now on, I challenge you to break it down at least once. It can be in your car, in the vacated hallway at your office, as you get ready to go out, after your therapy session with your bum, at a club, or wherever the hell you want. Sometimes talking can only mean so much.

No one gives a crap if you dance like a combination of Mick Jagger and a chicken with a broken leg (like me). Sometimes you just have to dance like no one is watching. You’d be surprised at how good it feels.

Right, JGL?

Why Do I Have To Thank God It’s Friday?

It is a phrase that launched a reasonably priced, awkward first date hot spot restaurant chain, “Thank God It’s

Hhhhmmm I can taste the loaded potato skins from here.

Hhhhmmm I can taste the loaded potato skins from here.

Friday.” Friday has served as a harbinger of hope seemingly since the dawn of time. No matter how shitty life gets or how beat down and depressed we are, there is always Friday.

Friday office banter is the same every week. “Hey, how’s it going?” “Alright, but at least it’s Friday.” Phone calls answered with the salutation, “Happy Friday,” instead of the traditional hello. This morning in the elevator a co-worker prayed to God to make every day Friday. We love Fridays so much we allowed Loverboy to produce a gaudy rock hit.

Instead of working for the weekend, maybe they should have been working on not desecrating rock n’ roll or finding another career.

As kids, Friday meant Boy Meets World, pizza, video games, and movies. It was a fun day, but then so was every other day. As we get older Fridays become a religious experience, something we praise and offer sacrifice. The problem is I’m starting to resent, no despise Fridays. Not the day itself, it had no choice of where the Romans placed it on our calendar, but this dependence on it to provide all happiness in our lives.

If I’m coming into work in five years saying “Oh, thank God for Friday,” or even worse, “Is it Friday yet,” then shoot me in the fucking skull. I’m serious, anyone who reads this article has my full permission to kill me. Let this be admissible in the court of law. It is time to ween ourselves off the sweat teat known as Friday. The thought of the rest of my life being totally dependent on Fridays for happiness with the occasional holidays is just totally depressing. I want to wake up and say “Thank God it’s Monday!” Or better yet, not even know or care what day of the week it is because each one brings me happiness and fulfillment.

There is more than one way to achieve this fulfillment, but the best way is to find a career that fulfills a passion. Certainly finding someone to build a fulfilling relationship can also bring joy into our everyday lives, but eventually we all have to find a way to provide for our basic needs. However, the right person is capable of getting us through a shitty job that we hate going to day in and day out.

It doesn’t matter how we do it, but we should strive to become less Friday dependent. Hopefully someday we’ll drop the “It’s Friday” from T.G.I.F.

P.S. But let’s never get rid of the restaurant chain. Daddy needs his half priced apps.

Angry Bird

It’s video Friday, people!

Have you ever had a friend who doesn’t  deal well with you getting into a serious relationship? Are you the friend who gets upset when your buddy devotes less time to you after he finds a lady to fly away with?

This video is for you.

The fine actors in this sketch:

Jordan Merimee as Pauly
Peter Rosemeyer as Scott
Liz Colwell as Susie

This is a Rose Land Trio Entertainment production.

On Break Ups and Moving On

Hey guys! It’s me, Eastyn!  Remember me from last week?  Well I’m back, and I should be pulling up a fresh female perspective for you every Friday!  Keep an eye out.  Or both if ya nasty.

eastyncazin@outlook.com  | As always, no dick pics.

Heartache is an undeniably terrible part of the human experience. It brings forth the worst in you. Not the part of you that robs banks and murders people, but the part of you that will stoop to levels so low just to get an ounce of recognition from a person you once held close emotionally. You’ll get drunk, you’ll make some phone calls you regret. The texts you send will be the only ones auto correct doesn’t dismember, so you’ll be held at full responsibility for your heartbroken rant.

I had spent the better part of 2013 in a steady decline in what was previously a really wonderful relationship. When that final bit of stitching in our relationship came undone, and I was sick of trying to haphazardly push it all back together, I came to a realization that really helped me to visualize what exactly I was going through.

I’m going to break it down into parts that really kept me on track emotionally, and to not rush into filling that relationship void with an emotional rebound.

Part I: Fade Into You

Inspired by Fade Into You from Nashville's Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio

Inspired by Fade Into You from Nashville’s Clare Bowen and Sam Palladio

When you initially meet a person, let’s assume you start holding hands. As you grow closer, and reach those milestones (moving in, first pregnancy scare, etc.) your hands, wrists, and arms slowly start to meld together until the two of you are sharing one arm. It’s great! You have that added strength that the other person lends to you, and you can collaborate through the difficult times together.

Part II: Severance

Sometimes, unfortunately, things go south. For whatever reason, mutual or not, there needs to be a separation, and to do so, that shared arm needs to go. You can’t just give it to one person or the other, you have to shear it off at the shoulder, leaving both of you free to wander away, but missing an arm. Caution: Listening to Adele’s “Some One Like You” is sooooo satisfying in that scratching a scab kind of way, but just limit it to four times a day at most.

Part III: Filling the Void

I opted for cats.

I opted for cats.

This is the part that is the most difficult, always. When all is said and done, you have this huge and previously functional part of you that is just gone. You’ll go to reach for something with that arm, and realize that you’re just flailing a shoulder nub about. You’ll try to fill that void the best you can.  Sometimes it will be trying to attach your sad little nub onto other people, drugs, or objects. Anything that will just make that space a little bit less empty.

Part IV: Healing

One day, maybe not as soon as you thought, you will notice that you’re gaining some arm back. Your nub is starting to increase to your shoulder. It’s growing back on its own. How neat!  You’re starting to be able to do things again. You didn’t need your partner to be fully functional! As you continue through time, and as you heal, your arm will start to grow little by little. You’ll see an elbow form. The days are a little bit brighter, and your desire to send drunk texts are slowly ebbing.

Part V: Welcome Back

Sooner than you think, you’ll wake up, stretch out both of your arms, and you’ll realize that your fingers are back. They might be a little weird and misshapen, but they are there. You can grab things, and most importantly, you can find another hand to hold and merge into. You’ll notice the grasp is stronger and genuine, and you’re not just trying to push your nub arm into another person in vain. You can be part of a functional relationship again.

Part VI: “But I’m Scared.”

Nevermind, I'll get more cats.

Nevermind, I’ll get more cats.

So now your fingers can hold things. You don’t remember Whatstheirname, and you’ve maybe decided that one girl at the coffee shop is pretty nice and she always makes little foam hearts in your lattes. However, you’re very aware of what a relationship can mean, and that feeling of being left without an arm if it does indeed end and you’re forced to sever it again. Here’s the thing… It is okay. You know it grows back.  It may hurt, but there’s something a little satisfying in working through it.  Adele will be there for you next time too.

It’s important to remember not to try to push yourself into something before you’re done healing completely. It’s hard to hold hands with a nubby little wrist. If you know somebody you feel might be at that point, then just keep giving them time, help their arm grow back with no ulterior motives, and be the best friend you can be.

Chin up, dear readers. It will all be okay. Hugs all around.

Thirsty Thursdays: The Super Bowl

Pull up a seat at the bar. As is the case every Thursday, I’m bartending. There’s no better place to be right now than at The Millennial Man. Every time this week, I teach you how to make a brand new drink to try out when you get home from work. 

Please remember:

  1. I have no formal bartending training.  
  2. Mixology means nothing to me. 
  3. I tend to stick to the bottom shelf.

This week’s drink is THE SUPER BOWL. Right now, you’re probably looking back at last week (The Justin Bieber) and thinking, “Man these guys really just make drinks based on social media trends.” Damn, you’re smart.

Anyway, let’s see what I have behind the bar here today. We have a fairly large, clean bowl that we normally use for popcorn. Perfect. This will be our “Super” Bowl.

Since there are two teams in every Super Bowl, I say we combine the ingredients of two hard-hitting drinks and find out which one wins out. Seeing as how we have a very limited selection down here in the bar – I found rum, vodka, tequila, gin, sour mix, brandy, syrup, Sprite, lime juice, and pineapple juice – there are only two drinks we can combine.

Therefore, ladies and gentlemen, your two 2014 Thirsty Super Bowl drink teams are The Zombie and The Adios Mother F*$%er!

Here's one version of the Zombie. Real brain included.

Here’s one version of the Zombie. Real brain included.

According to this, the Zombie is “a cocktail made of fruit juices, liqueurs, and various rums, so named for its perceived effects upon the drinker.” So, for the Zombie Super Bowl team let’s add a shot of dark rum, white rum, spiced rum, half a shot of brandy, one dash of sugar syrup, a half a shot of lime juice and a half a shot of pineapple juice. Thanks to hub pages for the advice.

Have to say, not a huge Walking Dead fan, but this Zombie drink is quite tasty. Doubt it will make Andrew Lincoln a better actor though. The only thing that could do that is Keira Knightley in Love Actually.

One team down. Now we need to bring in the Adios Mother F*$%er, which is so strong that Wikipedia doesn’t even have a definition for it. Let’s go straight to the ingredients: one ounce of vodka, one ounce of gin, one ounce of white rum, two ounces of sweet and sour mix, and two ounces of Sprite. The recipe also calls for Blue Curacao liqueur, but I do not own a bourgeoisie bar and thus do not have this swanky elixir. So let’s just put the leftover Jameson from last week in there. Thanks to Drinks Mixer for the advice.

Adios, amigo.

Adios, amigo.

As you probably could have guessed, this Super Bowl looks pretty freaking nuts. The Zombies and Adios Mother F*$%ers are locked in a tight one for who will ultimately own this championship drink.

There’s only one way to decide who the true winner is: I must taste it. This smells like straight up rubbing alcohol. Yikes. Alright. Here goes nothing…

***

Billy had two sips of “The Super Bowl” and immediately got intoxicated, passed out, and woke up two days later with no knowledge of what had just happened. It took him fifteen minutes to remember his middle name.

The Millennial Man in no way, shape, or form suggests following this recipe. It is hazardous to your personal health and your relationships with your family, friends, and neighbors.

Please drink responsibly this Super Bowl Sunday, and if you find Billy’s wallet anywhere, please inform the authorities. 

Unrequited Love – The Loves of My Life

Love, when I fall it is hard and it is often. Billy may be prudent and loyal with who he gives his heart to, Emma, but my love is like a sub-prime mortgage pre-2008, handed out to anyone and doomed to fail.

I can’t help myself. There are just too many amazing, beautiful, funny, and talented women in this world to simply love one. It doesn’t take much to sweep me off my feet, much like Carrie Bradshaw getting into Mr. Big’s limo or FDR without his wheelchair, I fall easily.

It would be weird and highly awkward to post about women I know in this blog. As much as I love painfully awkward moments, it just cannot be done. However, I can post about female public figures that have stolen my heart and all the reasons they are amazing.

Kacey Musgraves

The gorgeous and talented Ms. Musgraves just took home Grammys for Country Album, Same Trailer Different Park, and best Country Song, “Merry Go Round.” Musgraves is like Taylor Swift without all the tabloid garbage and holier than thou attitude. An amazing song writer, both for on her own material, as well as for other artists, combined with a sweet, soothing voice. She may not be able to belt it out like former queens of country, Shainia Twain and Faith Hill, but her voice suites her poetic, lyrical style.

Sane Trailer Different Park is an incredible album and always makes things better, no matter how tough things are that day. It is available on Spotify, as well as a complete, exclusive, interview album where she discusses each song on the album. If you fall for her as hard as I have, then it is an enjoyable, if slightly embarrassing, listen. Here a few of my favorite.

And finally, her performance from the Grammys. Everyone might’ve been talking about Beyonce and Jay-Z, and so was I, but this was also a terrific performance.

Katie Nolan

I’m going to be honest, I had no idea The Crowd Goes Wild is still on the air. I watched an episode from its first week and wrote it off as the worst show, sports or otherwise, to ever be put on the air.

Thank God for the gigantic balls on the Fox Sports 1 executives for keeping this show on the air as it paid off with this delightful treat.

My goodness, she nailed it. An easy way to win my heart is to verbally lampoon a giant blowhard like Rick Reilly. Even the Omegas from Animal House think Reilly is a bit much. If I’m Fox Sports 1 I immediately give Ms. Nolan her own TV show. I know that FS1 has no clue what buzz is, but she’s got it right now and it is time to capitalize.

Whether the much maligned sports network actually does or not, Katie Nolan has earned a place in the overcrowded Pantheon also known as my heart.

Letter to Emma (Watson) – Week 2

Dear Emma (Watson),

It has been a week since I last wrote you. I’ve yet to hear from you. I understand that you’re probably busy shooting a movie or something, and that these kinds of letters need to go through the proper channels to get to you. You’re a big star. I get it. But I can’t help but feel a little sad.

This whole unrequited love thing is starting to take its toll on me. Shakespeare wrote so eloquently about it in a variety of different publications, but there’s nothing eloquent about the actual thing: Unrequited love sucks.

Ask Professor Snape. He loved Lily forever to no avail. Then he had to take care of Harry after she died, the kid produced by James Potter, who banged Lily after she spurned poor Severus.

Poor Snape.

Poor Snape.

Remember this quote?

“Snape’s patronus was a doe,’ said Harry, ‘the same as my mother’s because he loved her for nearly all of his life, from when they were children.” 

I don’t want to have a sad patronus of you from The Bling Ring.

The other thing about unrequited love is that it’s unoriginal. Look at literature, film, and television over the years and there are millions of stories of guys like me who helplessly hope to have “popular” girls like you in our arms.

The Hollywood ending to this kind of story is that another girl in my life – whom I currently underappreciate – gets frustrated with me and tells me she won’t be my friend anymore. Then, just as she heads to the airport, I realize that all this time it was her who I should have loved and that I was wasting my time on you. I hail a cab to the airport, burst through TSA security checks, make it to my friend-girl’s gate, and get tazed by policemen as I give a heartwarming speech to her entire flight.

I say fuck that ending. Let’s create our own brand-new narrative. You’re creative, smart, and most importantly, original. Do you really want to be the movie star who only dates other high profile peeps with ridiculously high net worths?

I’m starting to wonder if I even want to know that answer to that question.

I don’t know my net worth. If you factored in my college debt, I’d probably be in the negative net worth section. But I’d still pay for your dinner, drinks, and movie tickets. I’m not above you paying either. But that’s beside the point.

Listen, you’re at a level of cool that most people can never reach. But everyone can be better. You seem like someone who is into constantly improving and growing. You know what could bring you to interstellar levels of coolness? Dating an average Billy like me.

I promise to be the furthest thing from K-Fed, Britney Spears’s infamous average Joe husband. That guy didn’t get how to play the fame game. I understand your level of stardom. In our relationship, you’d be the sun and I’d be one of the nine planets. Hell, I’d be Pluto for all I care. Wait, what? Pluto’s not a planet? Doesn’t matter. I’m Pluto.

You’ll find that for a planet – or whatever the hell it is – so far away from the sun that Pluto’s not as cold as you think. Pluto is actually a really warm, caring, thoughtful, and somewhat attractive planet. Many people say Pluto kind of looks like Nick (Jake Johnson) from New Girl without as crooked of a nose. Pluto can live with that, and takes it as a compliment.

Pluto kinda looks like this guy.

Pluto kinda looks like this guy.

I really should have paid attention in astronomy. Anyway, you get the point, Emma. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. Why not give me a chance? Let me be your hero, baby. Sorry, I was feeling an Enrique reference today.

Ugh. Unrequited love sucks. It’s like reading poems to a wall. Oh well. I’ll be waiting with a rose, a bottle of the finest champagne (Andre), and a sweet mixtape in my backyard whenever you decide to give me a shot.

Until next week,

Nick Pluto

The Power of Why

It is always amusing to see female politicians like Sarah Palin and Michelle Bachman praise the Nation’s Forefathers as a guiding light for all people lucky enough to live in God’s greatest country, America. Assuming of course that your first ancestor arrived circa 1950; everyone else is scum, attempting to suck away all that is righteous in this world.

Ben Franklin would be confused why a woman was allowed outside of his bedroom, let alone to speak in public.

Ben Franklin would be confused why a woman was allowed outside of his bedroom, let alone to speak in public.

The irony of praising men who would never let them vote or speak in public, let alone run for office, remains lost on them. Misogynistic behavior, unequal wages, and vile, sexist language, the Forefathers’ would find our behavior friendly. I joke, but sexism is still an issue in America, unequal wages and the glass ceiling is a painful reality for women, not to mention the shame that a woman has yet to reach the White House. Cue to Old White Men: “We let a black in there, now you want a vagina bleeding woman?”

Similar to MLK, I have a dream where wage inequality is a distant memory and everyone is properly compensated for the work they do and not the random distribution of a Y-chromosome. However, there is one profession that I must insist is dominated by one sex over the other, journalism.

Any time I see a male reporter, I immediately discredit him, knowing full-well there are dozens of women within a hundred foot radius of him that could do a better job. It is nothing personal to male reporters, they are at a biological disadvantage. Men simply cannot ask enough questions to dig out all the necessary details to fill out a story.

Compliments on the hair, but a woman could do your job much better.

Compliments on the hair, but a woman could do your job much better.

Women are naturals at asking questions; there are never enough answers to satisfy their insatiable quench for details. A man just needs, who, what, where, and when, the standards.Women ask that pesky, never-ending question, why. Anyone who has been or interacted with a 6-year old knows the old curiosity phase and “the why game.” A cute little routine for 10-seconds, before it takes every fiber of morality to prevent punching a little kid and spending some time in jail as a guy named Cockroach’s bitch.

Somehow the memo on the annoyingness of this routine never got distributed to women since it is still a significant part of women’s routines. They love to ask “why this” and “why that” because details actually matter to them. Women strive to know as much as possible about the people in their lives, what they are doing, how they are feeling, why they choose to do this, why they choose to put up with that, etc. It has a significant impact on whom they choose to let into their lives as friends, lovers, or even acquaintances.

On the other hand, men simply ask one question, does this person annoy me? If the answer is no, we hang out with him or her, yes, and we avoid them from here to eternity. The details are insignificant to us.No woman makes me realize how few details I know about my friends than the one who gave me life. Conversations with my Mom often, inevitably lead to her asking how all of my friends are doing, where they are working, do they like their jobs, where are they living, are they happy there, etc. The best answers I can come up with are “good, something in money, I don’t know, Chicago, and yeah, I guess.”
The truth is outside of where they are living or what grad school they are attending, I really do not know what my friends are doing. The details have never mattered to me. It is easy to chalk this up to be a “guy” thing and rationalize that we do not share emotions with another, but rather
drink beer, watch sports, and grunt just like the great leader of men, Tim “the Toolman” Taylor.
If you have 15 minutes to kill, I highly recommend watching the following clip of every grunt from Home Improvement. You will not be disappointed.

The problem is that I’m starting to change my attitude as I get older. I realize that details are important. We live in an incredible digital age, where everyone in the world  is connected through the internet and social media sites. Internet connection required. I’m sure starving people in the deserts of Africa and streets of America do not feel very connected to anyone.

They must be searching for a stronger Wifi signal.

They must be searching for a stronger Wifi signal.

As much as I love to hate-read all those annoying Facebook posts about, how blessed someone’s life is or how every day is a new challenge we must all strive to overcome, there is no denying that it has never been easier to stay in touch with friends and family. We have no excuses for being unable to keep up with or contact people who do not live near us. It is a luxury not afforded to generations before us.
Older people may complain about our modern technologies ruining human interactions and how young people cannot get their face out of a
phone to appreciate the world around them. While I find those points valid, those phones and new social media devices are easy ways to contact people we care about who are sometimes thousands of miles away.We should strive to send emails, texts, and messages to one another. Do not let cynical bastards like me prevent you from posting good or bad news on Facebook that you want everyone to know. Just please try to avoid flowery language and excessive hashtags. But let’s also try to remember that taking the time to call someone or video chatting with them can mean a lot.
If people truly matter to us than it should never be an inconvenience to take the time out of our day, instead of sitting on the couch Youtubing best Arnold Schwarzenegger One-liners. I’m certainly not promoting that we all start playing “the why game,” please for the love of God, no. I just hope this article one, inspires men to be more proactive in engaging each other and not be afraid of sharing with one another, two, ends wage inequality forever, and three, reminds us of how truly oblivious Michelle Bachman and Sarah Palin are, something that, like the teachings of the Forefathers, should never be forgotten.